Dragon Share

@Sanchow

Hm, first off I admire how consistent your voice is. You stay to one voice, the passive, throughout the entire piece of lore. Your sentence structure is varied nicely and there are good breaks in the paragraphs that keep the writing visually appealing. This also keeps the writing easy to read and flowing.

Thematically, I respect your integration of the Emperor with what almost feels like a psychological thriller. It is not easy to integrate an Emperor into lore and that is just the nature of the beast. I would not try to integrate this character into a clan, the existing lore surrounding Emperors just does not lend itself for that. So, the fact that you ended the lore with the Emperor waltzing off into the unknown after leaving a wake of destruction is an excellent move on your part as the author.

I am curious. Does the red grasp in Vasuki’s apparel represent the Red Imperial?

thank you for your review of cloudhopper! i really appreciated your opinion, it was very well thought out and helpful! i'll make sure to break actions and dialogue up better in the future, and to correct that in his snippet as well :)

[url=http://flightrising.com/main.php?dragon=55238799] [img]http://flightrising.com/rendern/350/552388/55238799_350.png[/img] [/url] Can you review his?

[url=http://flightrising.com/main.php?dragon=24577970] [img]http://flightrising.com/rendern/350/245780/24577970_350.png[/img] [/url] Symmon's lore isn't completed, but I do hope you're able to review it. Of course, take your time! No rush

@Killunia

That rule of keeping the macabre stuff to a minimum is my way of helping other users who may be more easily triggered than me. Plus, it also is there to protect my sanity. I’m fine with one or two edgelords every now and again but a parade of them becomes repetitive, boring, and depressing.

Anyway, I would say your lore is making good progress. The flow is good, you use an active voice that brings in the reader, and there is sufficient breaks in the paragraphs and dialogue that make it a clear read. This next comment I would say is more on format style and nitpicky in nature. The application of a list of traits right after his name and role is more for your use as the author. Strong writing doesn’t need a list of traits beforehand because those traits should be shown in the story. In my experience, I’ve seen that trait list actually conflict with the behaviors shown in the story. I didn’t notice any conflict when I was reading but it is something I felt warranted consideration.

Thematically I like your boy’s curious and playful nature. It makes him fun to read about and also has immense potential. That curiosity of his can get him into serious trouble, which will only make readers more satisfied when he gets out of it with his wit. I would say his strongest trait is his intelligence but also his greatest weakness. Continue to use that and I’m sure you will have a fun piece of lore when it is all complete. On a side note, I would actually keep the subspecies stuff out of the lore. It’s more trivial and doesn’t have much bearing on the plot. I’m also not to sure if a hatchling would be thinking about that kind of thing. To them, their family is just family. I mean, you probably could get away with it being introduced by Baldwin’s comment. Which could interestingly introduce the concept of different species to your lad and could further explain his curiosity and desire to explore. From what I’ve seen, he has been very sheltered and exposed to only others of his subspecies or prey species.

Overall I say keep up the good work. It was really nice to be able to read about your boy. Thank you for giving me something fun to read.

@PurpleIsAFruit

It is wonderful to see you again. Thank you for the kind words.

Ah, Tybalt. His character type is definitely of the persuasion that everyone loves to hate. But that is a good thing and it is a classic. We need characters like that because it adds some sarcastic humor to overall stories. We can see that he has a high sense of self-preservation, which at the heart of it everyone can relate to. The reason a lot of people love to hate his character type is because he will do absolutely everything to look out for number one, definitely even abandon his adopted daughter mid-fight if the tides of fortune changed. This selfish behavior is basic and animalistic, which is perfectly suited toward the Mirror breed, since they are defined by very animalistic characteristics.

Your lore as it stands is an excellent framework. You have the beginnings of your format outline. All that it needs is rebalancing. I would embellish the actual story into a scene that shows readers who Tybalt is. It will in turn diminish the description which will only need to touch on things that the story could not. The goal is to have your readers drawn in and feel like they are in the story, to feel like they understand Tybalt and can cheer him on when he has a witty remark or shout at him when he turns tail and flees. Truly he is a breath of fresh, sarcastic air when surrounded by the passionate believers that the other members of the clan seem to be.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to look at Tybalt. It was fun to read. Hopefully you found my advice helpful.

@RhythmSong

Fun fact, when I first read through Mother’s lore I was totally getting Sabrina, the psychic gym leader, vibes. Good grief she was creepy in that Pokémon animated series.

Which leads me onto Mother’s lore. I absolutely love it that you have made Mother so creepy without her actually spilling a drop of blood. It is powerful characterization because it still captures what it means to be a mother but still provides that creepy spin. I really appreciate it since we are getting so close to October. I feel like there are legends that feature spirits or creatures that behave similarly to Mother, I just wish I could actually remember what they are called.

The style of your writing and format are also really pleasant and fun to read. I like the legend/fairy tale style that you have. It is very suitable and aids in Mother’s overall creepiness because it holds the reader further away. Just like how a cautionary tale should.

Thank you for introducing Mother and letting me take a look at her lore.

@Countessoffire wow thank you for such nice feedback!! Yes, the red apparel is to represent Vasuki's "other half", I splurged on the ruby set as soon as it came out because it just felt perfect for him!

@Sanchow

You’re welcome. I’m glad that you enjoyed the review. I think it was worth the splurge. The apparel works as a nice visual to go with the lore.

"Read my lore and tell me what you think" is literally at the top of my Wishlist, thank you so much for this thread. It would be lovely if you could read Valyria! I've fallen out of love with the surrounding story, so I'm hoping that some feedback on the part I do have written will rekindle the idea <3 [url=http://flightrising.com/main.php?dragon=39317327] [img]http://flightrising.com/rendern/350/393174/39317327_350.png[/img] [/url]