@
CountessofFire
Thank you! I'll work on him some more :3 I have a couple of vague ideas I can expand upon for backstory and motivations and stuff. And I'll definitely have to consider clanmate interactions for a story - I try to put a story of some kind in every dragon's bio and I haven't had inspiration for Farlander's yet.
@
CountessofFire
Thank you! I'll work on him some more :3 I have a couple of vague ideas I can expand upon for backstory and motivations and stuff. And I'll definitely have to consider clanmate interactions for a story - I try to put a story of some kind in every dragon's bio and I haven't had inspiration for Farlander's yet.
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Snekly
Oof. I should’ve just said no. To be honest, I really regret reading this lore.
I do not like this macabre genre. It’s gross. It’s why I didn’t major in anything medical in college or go with the Plague Flight when I joined Flight Rising.
That being said, I will try to provide some useful feedback since I actually did read Spinel’s lore. The lore is directed for a specific audience and it does its job well. The pacing is good, it flows, and there is characterization present. We can see that transformation of Spinel’s mother, as she is mildly invested in her children and a liar in the beginning but by the end she has mostly wasted away from despair. In a way, Spinel also has a similar character transformation which I would classify as a tragic character arc. She goes from hopeful and dedicated to proving herself to her mother, until she spirals into despair and her body physically reflects it by the...plague-ness. Her mother’s final words seal the lore in a good finale, that admission that she’d been harboring for years. Finally speaking candidly to her daughter.
Sorry, hopefully that little bit of feedback is helpful to you.
@
Snekly
Oof. I should’ve just said no. To be honest, I really regret reading this lore.
I do not like this macabre genre. It’s gross. It’s why I didn’t major in anything medical in college or go with the Plague Flight when I joined Flight Rising.
That being said, I will try to provide some useful feedback since I actually did read Spinel’s lore. The lore is directed for a specific audience and it does its job well. The pacing is good, it flows, and there is characterization present. We can see that transformation of Spinel’s mother, as she is mildly invested in her children and a liar in the beginning but by the end she has mostly wasted away from despair. In a way, Spinel also has a similar character transformation which I would classify as a tragic character arc. She goes from hopeful and dedicated to proving herself to her mother, until she spirals into despair and her body physically reflects it by the...plague-ness. Her mother’s final words seal the lore in a good finale, that admission that she’d been harboring for years. Finally speaking candidly to her daughter.
Sorry, hopefully that little bit of feedback is helpful to you.
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Can you look at either Tempest or Mephistopheles, because their lore is kinda intertwined
[url=http://flightrising.com/main.php?dragon=53964304]
[img]http://flightrising.com/rendern/350/539644/53964304_350.png[/img]
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[url=http://flightrising.com/main.php?dragon=55159235]
[img]http://flightrising.com/rendern/350/551593/55159235_350.png[/img]
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Can you look at either Tempest or Mephistopheles, because their lore is kinda intertwined
@Countessoffire
[url=http://flightrising.com/main.php?dragon=11350577]
[img]http://flightrising.com/rendern/350/113506/11350577_350.png[/img]
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Maybe Vasuki?
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Countessoffire
Maybe Vasuki?
How long will it take to get an XXX when every colour is a possibility? Follow the journey here:
I know my lore might be a bit too long, but I just... love to write. Love to write stories for my dragons. So... how does my style read?
[url=http://flightrising.com/main.php?dragon=22838015]
[img]http://flightrising.com/rendern/350/228381/22838015_350.png[/img]
[/url]
It's not finished, he's going to have more story, but it's a... nice start, I guess?
I have much more recent dragon lore in my clan, but that might be very uncomfortable to read for you, as it includes a lot of death/undeath, so I chose something much more lighthearted. ^^
I know my lore might be a bit too long, but I just... love to write. Love to write stories for my dragons. So... how does my style read?
It's not finished, he's going to have more story, but it's a... nice start, I guess?
I have much more recent dragon lore in my clan, but that might be very uncomfortable to read for you, as it includes a lot of death/undeath, so I chose something much more lighthearted. ^^
I had a hard time deciding who I wanted you to look at, but I think it's Tybalt, here. I love your lore and your dragons, so having you look at mine is exciting for me!
[url=http://flightrising.com/main.php?dragon=52322958]
[img]http://flightrising.com/rendern/350/523230/52322958_350.png[/img]
[/url]
I had a hard time deciding who I wanted you to look at, but I think it's Tybalt, here. I love your lore and your dragons, so having you look at mine is exciting for me!
@Anchoram
First off, Happy Starfall Celebration! Very cool that you wanted to get into the spirit. :)
That being said, why a permababy? :’) Cute game mechanic, not exactly good for lore though. They appeal to such a specific audience, and I don’t fall into it. I can’t stand child characters, it doesn’t matter if it is in a book or on television, because they can be so annoying.
So, I will focus on the writing itself. We’re not here for a rant. xD Structurally your writing flows wonderfully. I was able to follow the lore all the way through. The formatting of the bio is nicely done, simple, so that the main focus is the dragon that it describes. Thematically, bar the permababy, I like how you’ve combined the lore of the Gaolers to the Arcane influence. Since the Gaolers are the children of the Icewarden, it is tricky to work other Flight influences into them. It makes a lot of sense that an Arcane horrorbeast would be the instrument for Astra’s predicament, seeing as there are so many oddities lurking in those prisons.
I would watch out for some of the pitfalls that come about with child characters if you plan on expanding his lore more. He may be an Oracle, but don’t flaunt it. In my experience this is one of my biggest pet peeves with child characters. I can’t stand know-it-all’s, it is especially bad in child characters. There is no room for growth, no development, no lessons learned. As of right now, I would keep his lore where it is in that category. You mention his sight, but it isn’t flaunted so it isn’t annoying. Another pitfall would be physical abilities. Do not let him seem infeasibly strong. His body is small and all of the muscles have not developed. Be sure to remember that.
Overall you have a solid piece of lore. You could probably improve it by having a scene where we actually see him talking or interacting with someone in his clan. That kind of thing shows readers that he is in fact a part of the clan, which is certainly a good thing.
Thank you for bringing your little boy by. He’ll make a wonderful Arcane rep when he has all of his genes. I really admire the love you’ve put toward him. [emoji=guardian laughing size=1]
@
Anchoram
First off, Happy Starfall Celebration! Very cool that you wanted to get into the spirit. :)
That being said, why a permababy? :’) Cute game mechanic, not exactly good for lore though. They appeal to such a specific audience, and I don’t fall into it. I can’t stand child characters, it doesn’t matter if it is in a book or on television, because they can be so annoying.
So, I will focus on the writing itself. We’re not here for a rant. xD Structurally your writing flows wonderfully. I was able to follow the lore all the way through. The formatting of the bio is nicely done, simple, so that the main focus is the dragon that it describes. Thematically, bar the permababy, I like how you’ve combined the lore of the Gaolers to the Arcane influence. Since the Gaolers are the children of the Icewarden, it is tricky to work other Flight influences into them. It makes a lot of sense that an Arcane horrorbeast would be the instrument for Astra’s predicament, seeing as there are so many oddities lurking in those prisons.
I would watch out for some of the pitfalls that come about with child characters if you plan on expanding his lore more. He may be an Oracle, but don’t flaunt it. In my experience this is one of my biggest pet peeves with child characters. I can’t stand know-it-all’s, it is especially bad in child characters. There is no room for growth, no development, no lessons learned. As of right now, I would keep his lore where it is in that category. You mention his sight, but it isn’t flaunted so it isn’t annoying. Another pitfall would be physical abilities. Do not let him seem infeasibly strong. His body is small and all of the muscles have not developed. Be sure to remember that.
Overall you have a solid piece of lore. You could probably improve it by having a scene where we actually see him talking or interacting with someone in his clan. That kind of thing shows readers that he is in fact a part of the clan, which is certainly a good thing.
Thank you for bringing your little boy by. He’ll make a wonderful Arcane rep when he has all of his genes. I really admire the love you’ve put toward him.
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[url=http://flightrising.com/main.php?dragon=51801305]
[img]http://flightrising.com/rendern/350/518014/51801305_350.png[/img]
[/url] How bout Mother? She's really the only one i have real 'lore' for aside from another, but that one's connected to Mother, so I'll just throw her in instead.
How bout Mother? She's really the only one i have real 'lore' for aside from another, but that one's connected to Mother, so I'll just throw her in instead.
hello! feel free to message me! no need to ping me on any thread i make, i'm following it!
@
Countessoffire
Thanks a lot!
To be completely honest, he's mostly a permababy for aesthetical reasons. Special eyes just look so much better on hatchlings than on adults, haha.
I'm really glad to hear that you like the writing! English isn't my first language which makes longer texts more prone to choppiness, so it's good to hear that wasn't the case this time around. I like mixing the 'official' FR lore with my clan's so I'm happy you appreciated that.
I'll make sure to keep him from being overpowered as that certainly is a valid concern of yours. His permabab state is meant to be a disadvantage, and maybe I should write a snippet where he talks about this to either Valkyrie or Freyr like you suggested.
Thank you so much for an extremely thoughtful review!
@
Countessoffire
Thanks a lot!
To be completely honest, he's mostly a permababy for aesthetical reasons. Special eyes just look so much better on hatchlings than on adults, haha.
I'm really glad to hear that you like the writing! English isn't my first language which makes longer texts more prone to choppiness, so it's good to hear that wasn't the case this time around. I like mixing the 'official' FR lore with my clan's so I'm happy you appreciated that.
I'll make sure to keep him from being overpowered as that certainly is a valid concern of yours. His permabab state is meant to be a disadvantage, and maybe I should write a snippet where he talks about this to either Valkyrie or Freyr like you suggested.
Thank you so much for an extremely thoughtful review!
If you do not mind looking at my boy here, I revamped his lore not too long ago. Thank you so much for running this thread.
[center][url=http://flightrising.com/main.php?dragon=4860543]
[img]http://flightrising.com/rendern/350/48606/4860543_350.png[/img]
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If you do not mind looking at my boy here, I revamped his lore not too long ago. Thank you so much for running this thread.
