Dragon Share

@Irony

Oh, no worries about me. I’m good with the pace I have. Thank you.

Hm, maybe a little repetitive, but that is not exactly a bad thing. I had made comments about the fun of an unreliable narrator in another review and I think Beatrice would make a hilarious unreliable narrator for her own lore. I suggest changing the point of view into first person, where Beatrice can be introducing herself to Adriana or another dragon. Honestly, I would suggest Adriana. It is a good opportunity to show off just how childish and awkward Beatrice can be. You have a lot of potential to make a fun and light-hearted piece of lore.

Overall I would say keep up the good work. It is an interesting concept to get into the mind of a simple beast that was suddenly magicked into a dragon. All of that brainpower and perception would be quite dizzying.

@Liatai

I feel your pain. I have dragons in my lair with far better lore than others but they are overlooked because their genes or apparel are more on the humble side. I took a glance at your lair and thought that maybe having more pages or tabs might help you separate the dragons? It might help people not feel as overwhelmed by a wall of dragons. Just a thought. Anyway, onto your girl’s lore.

You have a good framework and we get a good idea of who your Preachan is. We get a solid transition from her days as a hatchling to some of the things that she does now. Perhaps breaking the lore up a little more will allow you to expand in sections. I feel like we can see more of her personality through dialogue and interactions with her coven. That way we can see the actual relationship that she shares with her mate. It is a good idea to bring the reader in and show them versus just telling them. Here’s a quick example with one of my dragons.

Tell:

Noctis Timore is an arrogant individual with designs for taking over the throne of the Gods.

Show:

Noctis Timore tossed his head, violet eyes glittered behind his bleak headdress. He spat, “It is my destiny to lead this measly Pantheon! My bleeding-hearted little brother is too weak!”

This is a small example and maybe exaggerated but we can see the difference. Our eyes glaze over the first sentence with little regard. It’s like, ok sure. Whatever you say author. The second section expands our writing naturally. We can imagine this dragon tossing his head haughtily and hear the derisive tone in his voice. We also learn an extra detail which is that he thinks his brother is pathetic. It is more open to interpretation, yes, but the reader will feel more invested in the story.

Overall I believe you have an excellent framework to work with. Thank you for brining your witch by. It was nice to read her lore.

Ah, okay! So you'd rather see a story than a quick "character summary" style of lore. I getcha! :D

I tend to default more toward "character summary" because I don't want things to get too long, but I agree, a more story-style lore section DOES tend to draw readers in at first glance and stick with them longer. It would be handy if there was a dedicated "lore" section of the lair on the site... A single place where lore-minded folks can collect the various stories about their clan instead of sprinkling it about in bios and forum posts.

I mean, if a story contains multiple dragons, whose page do you put it on?

I face a similar problem with lair tabs -- my dragons often serve multiple roles in the clan, so it's hard to break them up into distinct categories. Preachan is the de-facto ruler of the Witches' Garden, but she's also the clan Plague representative, and also an alchemist, and also a politician, and... I can't put the same dragon on multiple tabs! x3; I'll have to do some more thinking about it.

Thank you for your feedback!

@Liatai

You’re welcome. My work around for organization is organizing my dragons by their “hey-day” in historical ages. I get it though, it can be very tough to organize.

Character summaries are ok, but I wouldn’t say that they grip an audience as well as a narrative does. When I have dragons that have interconnected stories, I leave links for their names in their bios. For overall lore, I see users write it all on google documents. I plan on doing that myself eventually. You put the story on the “main character” bio because more often than not there is a focus character that is interacting with all of the others in one way or another.

Hello! I was wondering if you could review my lore for Astrea? She’s a fandragon of a character from a video game, so I tried to make her backstory share similar roots to who she’s based off of! Thanks! [url=http://flightrising.com/main.php?dragon=53330519] [img]http://flightrising.com/rendern/350/533306/53330519_350.png[/img] [/url]

@ArcticEira

That is a very unique skin combination with that apparel. I’ve never seen anything like Atrox before.

Hm, something to consider when you are creating a character's lore is the style of lore you are looking for. Are you looking for something that grabs attention quickly but may not stay with readers? Or are you looking for something that will take time to build but may stay with readers longer?

At the moment your Atrox's lore would be considered a character description. It has some brief notes about him(I'm going to refer to them as him since it is easier and isn't as prone to convoluted writing), a small blurb that tells the reader a little bit about him, and then multi-media artwork of him. It is flashy in it's darker, and slightly macabre, themes that appeal to a specific audience.

I would say it is going for shock factor. Which is a strategy that works really well for a lot of movies and TV shows but I wouldn't say it goes very well for written work. At the moment, by making him practically mute, you are cutting away a very important tool that drives written stories. That tool is dialogue. Dialogue brings readers into the action because it is very active language.

Now if you plan on just keeping a character description, what you have is fine. Character descriptions aren't meant to be very in depth so that it is quick and easy to look over.

If you are going for something more in depth, I would recommend stepping away from conventions that work in television. A practically mute character in a written story is boring because a lot of their communication relies on visuals. Which if we're looking at some sort of vengeful, murder spirit, then there isn't really going to be a whole lot of communication anyway.

You also need to keep in mind that as he stands right now, Atrox is not really main character material. He strikes me more as a secondary minion to a main antagonist. Maybe some super powerful obstacle to overcome, but again he isn't really the type to drive a story. He doesn't have any qualities about him that I would consider relatable or redeeming. Again, that does fall onto the reader's preference however.

If you do plan on expanding on him in a narrative style lore, I would recommend considering these questions. I find them helpful when building a character.

What is it about my character that I love?
What personality traits do I admire in my character?
What is my character's goal in life?
How does my character achieve that goal? What motivates them?
How does my character respond to danger?
How does my character approach obstacles? Are those obstacles often self inflicted or do they come from an outside source?
What are my character's weaknesses?
Does my character try to overcome their weaknesses in their personal story arc?
How does my character connect to those around them such as clan, friends, or family?

Hopefully these thoughts help you with building up his character. Unfortunately he is going for an aesthetic that I am not very strong in. I'm sorry. Thank you for bringing your Atrox by.

@Maplestarthecat

Right now you have a decent framework to develop and expand. The first thing you should consider is whether you are going for a narrative style piece of lore or a character description. A narrative style lore takes longer but it has the ability to bring the readers into the story and they can feel more invested. A character description is faster and readers can look over it quickly. They may not feel as invested in the character however.

What will benefit Frodo's lore the best is some formatting to his lore. Right now it feels very cramped and choppy because everything is in one paragraph. You don't have to get fancy but don't be afraid of some spaces. Spaces can be a writer's friend.



For example, and forgive me if he seems out of character, after all you know him better than me:

Frodo is a gentle soul that has not seen his litter mates, his brothers, ever since they left on their own adventures. In all honesty, they can have their adventures. Adventures are gross, icky, and fraught with peril. Peril that he absolutely abhors.

Many in the clan will whisper, some out of concern while others more out of annoyance, about how the leaders' son barely lifts his paws even to just sustain himself. Oh how much outrage erupted when he adopted a wayward Plantation Pincher! That large crab could've fed several in the clan for days!

He ignores their outcries. The only voice that matters is his beloved mother's voice. Her gentle tones can soothe him better than any minstrel's lullaby. Not even the voice of Evan captures his attention as much as his mother. Frodo loves his mother. Despite this fact, he also found something else to love.

Or perhaps someone else to love. One day he discovered an abandoned egg. He took it back home with him and nurtured the egg until it hatched. The precious little grey and blue hatchling that came from that egg reminded Frodo so much of a stormy sky. Thus, Storm earned his namesake; granted to him by Frodo.



You see how I broke the lore up with a little bit of spacing? A little touch of font manipulation in the header? It isn't much but it lets you expand a little more and gives the eye a nice flow to follow. Hopefully this helps. Thank you for bringing Frodo by.

Could you review Octavius's lore? I'm not finished quite yet. The first half of his lore is the one I'm currently working on. Not anywhere near finished yet. The second is just a brief overview of his history, what I plan on covering in the polished version. (Just more in depth, haha) I haven't worked on a project like this in years, so bear with me. I'd appreciate any feedback! [url=http://flightrising.com/main.php?dragon=18776387] [img]http://flightrising.com/rendern/350/187764/18776387_350.png[/img] [/url]

@Dragonfire546

I like that you have worked some formatting into his lore. I would stay away from changing the font color of your main text so drastically. That pale blue was starting to hurt my eyes. Blue falls into the faster light spectrum with shorter distance between crests. It strains our eyes when looking at it. Keep the main body of your text as close to black as you can, it is important so you don’t want to strain your reader’s eyes. It is ok to see in the header.

Which leads me to the header. I would move the tarot card information into a “Trivia” or “Statistics” kind of section. As the reader, and personally not knowing any of that tarot stuff, it is extraneous and means nothing. This next comment is more stylistic in nature. Having three personality traits listed is more for your convenience as the author. It doesn’t bring in the reader. I would suggest also removing that and let your writing guide the reader to those conclusions.

I understand this is a work in progress so hopefully my thoughts help. I suggest bringing that background up and being the first block of text. It will be your narrative that should bring in the interest of the reader. Use dialogue and show just how taciturn he is. Bring the reader in and show them the action.

A character description is nice enough, it gets the job done, but rarely do I find myself remembering a character description better than a narrative. That is just my experience. There are plenty of readers out there who prefer something short that they can glance over. As a reader I appreciate it when I see so much thought and effort going into crafting a piece of lore. As a writer I find it so satisfying when I’ve finally finished a piece that took longer.

Overall I say keep up the good work. You’re making a lot of progress on your boy there. Thank you for bringing him by.

I’d love to know how you feel about Bojangles. [emoji=tundra happy size=1] [url=http://flightrising.com/main.php?dragon=44655849] [img]http://flightrising.com/rendern/350/446559/44655849_350.png[/img] [/url]