Dragon Share

@Countessoffire [url=http://flightrising.com/main.php?dragon=31450204] [img]http://flightrising.com/rendern/350/314503/31450204_350.png[/img] [/url] I think you will like this one Himiko's Lore is long but you will like her story. She is in my Council of Crowns Tap. She is a Queen.

@Luca20

I can see what you mean. You’ve definitely had your girl for a long time. All of that artwork is quite amazing.

Her lore is hard to read. It is because it is written in the second person point of view, which is a tricky beast to tackle. By using the second person, you are assuming that readers are going to accept the behaviors and actions made by “themselves” since they take the role of the narrator.

Personally I’m not going to be boneheaded enough to travel until I’m ready to collapse in the middle of nowhere, so immediately that disconnects me as the audience. I think you would be better served by writing in third person, following Requiel as she is lying in wait for her next target. It brings the focus back onto Requiel and will still allow you to show readers how unstable and evil she is.

Overall I think with a little TLC your lore for Requiel will be pretty strong. It might be a good idea to show readers how connected she is to the rest of her clan too, since you said she is the centerpiece and heart of your clan lore.

@CountessOfFire So I like to give lore to my fandragons, and for three of the four that have it written out so far, I'm pretty happy with it. But Farlander's lore is older, and feels a bit... clinical, I guess? I've tried improving it before half-heartedly abandoning it... Do you think it needs help? If so, what can I do to fix it? [url=http://flightrising.com/main.php?dragon=20219118] [img]http://flightrising.com/rendern/350/202192/20219118_350.png[/img] [/url] The double line break kind of separates the original lore (below) from my attempt at revision (above).

@crowbot

Hm, that was a difficult read. I am going to do my best to break the lore themes down and explain the elements that I liked and didn’t like.

First off, I liked the repetitiveness of the days. It is very much like everyday life, going to work, and then coming away from work tired but still having a lot to do. It is a very relatable theme which is excellent.

The oppressive entity of the government reminds me very much of George Orwell’s 1984. I feel like a lot of the elements in this lore was similar. Did you ever read that book?

The thing that I didn’t like was how little Grace really showed up. This is meant to be her lore but we don’t really get very much about her. We know she is a reporter and we kind of know that she is secretly leaking information to the public but in the end gets caught. That is about it. Why is she leaking information? If she’s a reporter and knows all of these stories of people being attacked, why would she have such a serious lack of self-preservation to go into a suspicious alley instead of walking with her team? Does she not like her team very much? There are a lot of questions for sure.

The writing itself is alright. It might look better with some formatting changes but that really isn’t much of an issue.

Overall I think Grace has a lot of potential. She has a mundane profession that is more modern and relatable to readers. Some little tweaks here and there should make her lore pretty solid. Hopefully this helps. I really appreciate it that you brought Grace by for me to read about.

[url=http://flightrising.com/main.php?dragon=43462578] [img]http://flightrising.com/rendern/350/434626/43462578_350.png[/img] [/url] I’d love for you to read Spinel’s story, since out of all the dragons in my clan, she’s probably had lore the longest

@PearlConnor

Sorry, I don’t really want to read her lore. The concept with just her name is too macabre for my taste.

Oof. Thats like the only lore I thought about for a while but whatever...

@Countessoffire Hmm. The most recent lore I've written is Astra's, so perhaps him? What with it being starfall celebration and all haha [url=http://flightrising.com/main.php?dragon=53184445] [img]http://flightrising.com/rendern/350/531845/53184445_350.png[/img] [/url]

@EmpressSectonia

Hm, you were right, I quite enjoyed Himiko's lore. I'll admit, I was curious to see how her lore would be structured and how she would connect to Sornieth. When I saw her name, my mind immediately went to the newer Tomb Raider movie and the new-ish game.

The lore is long, but it reads well. The sentence structure is well balanced between exposition and dialogue. I feel like I am in the action, but I also have a sense of where that action is taking place.

Himiko herself unfortunately does suffer a little bit as a character from there being so much build up. The reader is first introduced to her when she is created by the Lightweaver then it transitions into her training years of being a Lumen Sage initiate. She is brash, sassy, and arrogant. She spends so much of her time training that we really don't get exposed to how she is in more interactions between characters. The reason I say that she suffers as a character is because it is difficult to connect to her as the reader.

I believe the issue is that we don't get to see the personality shift, the maturation of Himiko. During her training she is almost unbearably sassy and arrogant, a teenager. After a break, she is suddenly more reserved and respectful of her father, an adult. I feel like there should have been an event that would've sparked that kind of personality shift.

As to what that event could have been, that is tough to say. It would be important to make sure the addition of that event ties into the overall flow of the story arc but does not rob the climax which would be the conflict between the Sages and the Witches. As for Himiko's characterization, I would classify her as a positive arc. She starts out with immaturity but then ends up far more mature by the end, a positive change for the better.

Overall I thoroughly enjoyed reading Himiko's lore. It is interesting to see that there were so many other users involved in crafting it. Thank you for bringing Himiko to this thread.

@Leopardmask

I think it is amazing that you are writing lore for your fandragons. It just makes them seem so much more unique in my opinion. Plus, it is a fun challenge to tie them into Sornieth and make them actually seem like they belong.

The revision is definitely better, although I’d say on the whole it feels like a description. It gives a little insight to Farlander but I am not connecting to him as a character. Is he affected by Mirror traits? Does he have any goals or aspirations? What motivates him? Are there any notable interactions with his clan mates that would make a good story to write about and reveal who he is?

My advice is to not give up. I know it can be hard but you have a good framework to work with. Keep it up!