Dragon Share

I’d love it if you could review this girl’s lore! [url=http://flightrising.com/main.php?dragon=53548150] [img]http://flightrising.com/rendern/350/535482/53548150_350.png[/img] [/url] It’s still a work in progress and I think it’s a bit messy, but I’d love some input :)

@BlackSherruk

What would I get if I took Rumpelstiltskin's deal making powers from fairy tales, Lelouch's love for chess and keen strategic mind from Code Geass, the creepy demonic influence of a mask similar to Majora's Mask from Legend of Zelda, and rolled it all into a Phantom of the Opera Aesthetic? You answered that for me by introducing me to Arbiter. It's ok if you don't know the references, that isn't the important part. The important part is that I found traits in Arbiter that I could associate to.

I like the progression of Arbiter's story arc. I would classify it as a positive character arc because he starts out in a bad place but slowly transitions into a better dragon by the end. He has to endure the distrust of others, endure the malicious intent of the voices from the mask, and despite it all he finds a hint of decency when he discovers that he can't live without his little buddy's company.

You grasp the importance of the choice, the moment where the character is struck by an epiphany that may change his outlook and demeanor. It forces him to examine himself and decide whether he can live with himself as he is or change. This is the moment where a character arc will be defined as a positive arc or negative arc moving forward.

Arbiter's story is strong. If it weren't, you wouldn't evoke such a passionate comment from the user crowworm. You should be proud of yourself to inspire such an invested and passionate response from someone. That is what we all strive for as authors. We want our audience to be invested in the story and take interest. Normally I would suggest trying to incorporate more active language, such as dialogue, to pull the reader in but I feel like the passive language does the job very well. We are after all looking at a character that is meant to be somewhat of an enigma despite everything. So keeping the reader out a little is a good move to keep that.

There are some minor grammar errors, but most of them are stylistic in nature. There isn't anything that a little proofreading won't fix.

Overall I would say well done. You have a strong piece of lore. Thank you for introducing me to Arbiter.

@Apolli

Thank you for the kind words. I'm glad that you are enjoying the reading material here and find the comments helpful.

Since you were able to read Arbiter's bio already this here is his little assistant I am a little unsure of how well this one came so any help or opinions would be appreciated. [center][url=http://flightrising.com/main.php?dragon=4763625] [img]http://flightrising.com/rendern/350/47637/4763625_350.png[/img] [/url][/center]

Would you mind taking a peek at this girl? I need to make sure my favorite is as good as she can be :) [url=http://flightrising.com/main.php?dragon=36957843] [img]http://flightrising.com/rendern/350/369579/36957843_350.png[/img] [/url]

@myriadofstars

I wouldn't say there was anything real macabre about this lore. It is mildly creepy, but not very much. The setting is really the only moody element to this piece. Which my first topic I would like to discuss is the setting. It is well described and I get a good sense of where the character is at. You've done well with that.

One of the things that first stands out is the second person however. Second person is a very hard point of view to work with. You are making a large assumption that your audience will go along with the decisions that the narrator makes, that the audience is supposed to make as they read. Fortunately, you aren't making them do anything really drastic. Well, maybe except for following some stranger into the unknown. Which I mean, I can't really speak for everyone, but I'm not very liable to find myself in this kind of situation.

Which brings me onto the topic of relating to the story. I understand that you want to emphasize that Alruccabah does not associate with a gender pronoun but that takes away the strength of the writing. By using so much of the "they" pronoun, it makes the writing convoluted. Sometimes it is difficult to tell who is being described. The work around I would suggest is to have a "description" section where you can list off those specific preferences such as "Alruccabah prefers gender neutral pronouns but will respond to the occasional feminine pronoun." It is also a great way to test people to see if they have read Alruccabah's lore all the way through. Anyone making comments on Alruccabah will see that description section and know to use the gender neutral pronouns when making a comment or the like. By doing this, it will allow you to transition the point of view into the third person. I recommend third person because it will allow Alruccabah to stay mysterious as that seems to be your goal but you won't be dictating to your audience about their actions.

One of the best questions I think really helps me when I'm writing is asking myself, why do I care about this character? Because in the end, you want your readers to care about your character in the lore. I find myself as the reader not feeling as connected to Alruccabah and subsequently, not really caring. I find that there are too many unanswered questions and very little that is actually about Alruccabah to analyze. They have a mate, but what is that relationship like? How did they come to be together? They are living in a dilapidated library? Does that make them a spirit of knowledge? Or are they just that bad at housekeeping?

I really enjoyed reading your description of the setting overall. It was beautifully crafted to give me a sense of where this lore was taking place. You also used active language such as dialogue, which is great for including the audience in. My best advice for this lore is to show the readers the traits about Alruccabah that are admirable or important to an overall clan lore. You have a lot of potential here. Thank you for introducing me to Alruccabah. I hope my feedback was helpful.

:D how about my boy Sepulchre [url=http://flightrising.com/main.php?dragon=53850884] [img]http://flightrising.com/rendern/350/538509/53850884_350.png[/img] [/url]

Can you review Mirth's lore please? [url=http://flightrising.com/main.php?dragon=49713853] [img]http://flightrising.com/rendern/350/497139/49713853_350.png[/img] [/url]

@Kodiene

Short is ok. All that matters is that we are able to bring our audience in. One of the things I liked was that initial italicized quote. It sounds like it was based off of that one quote “Float like a leaf, sting like a bee” except it had a lightning spin on it.

It is clear that we are looking at an assassin or maybe a mercenary. One of the things about these character archetypes is that the reader always needs to take the words with a grain of salt. It is a sort of unreliable narrator scenario, which can be fun to write and read about. For this idea, I would suggest using first person. This will allow you to dive further into your ferocious noodle’s unstable mind and lead the reader into a world of mayhem and action.

Just remember to show off your character’s traits and other aspects of their life. The reader wants to know what makes your character unique. So having that balance of action and dialogue is important.

Thank you for brining your fearsome noodle by! You have a lot of potential to play around with an unreliable narrator and an interesting variety of warrior.

Could you please look at her? Sorry it's a bit short. [url=http://flightrising.com/main.php?dragon=10551159] [img]http://flightrising.com/rendern/350/105512/10551159_350.png[/img] [/url]