General Discussion

Um, hi. I'm pretty new to this whole thing and really unsure about whether I should actually post here cause this is kinda making me really anxious, but I'm curious about the community and how (other?) neurodiverse people live. I like to learn and understand things, and I also think understanding and empathy are the only path towards progress.

Now, I want to stress this a lot before I say anything else: I have not been diagnosed or even examined by a therapist or mental health professional in any way, ever. In fact, the closest I've really ever gotten to talking to a mental health professional is like this 5 minute period of time I had to talk to my (normal) doctor, who was definitely not prepared, about feeling bad (and that was like... a year and a half ago) and this one 18 minute conversation I had with someone from a local covid mental health hotline about, ironically, whether I should see a therapist. Therefore, I am very tentative about claiming anything about being mentally ill or neurodiverse (or... ? I don't know what word I'm trying to use, I just really don't want people to be offended).

That being said, I think I may be. Specifically, I think I may have depression and social anxiety, and I've been considering that I might have adhd. And yes, I do actually try to read things from reliable sources such as NIMH and Mayo Clinic because, by gosh, my English teachers taught not to use Wikipedia (even tho I really love reading Wikipedia for non-medical things ;w;). I do have to admit, despite fearing what it means, that I might have depression and social anxiety at least. I think I've been depressed since 6th grade, when I was about 11-12. I moved from a Montessori school to public school that year, and on top of he stress of moving schools and changing friends, I had a terrible teacher who yelled at everyone. I used to cry a lot back then, and I had a lot of terrible thoughts about doing bad things to myself that I won't talk about here. I think it got better at some point, but I've had what might be episodes of it in years since. One of these "episodes" caused me to fail an extracurricular genetics class I took before highschool, and another caused me to fail a grading period of my WHAP class my freshman year of highscool with a 48 because I literally just gave up. And now I think I'm having another one of these, what with the Rona and quarantine and the stress of being stuck with my parents all of the time.

As for the possible social anxiety, I tend to be really scared of people judging me, so much that it makes me paranoid that people around me are watching me and what I'm looking at/doing. In some of my classes, we have rows of computers, like a computer lab, and everyone sits next to someone else unless they managed to get the one corner spot remaining. While I do like that I have friends to talk to because of this, it can make me really anxious. Especially in classes like my animation class, where we're supposed to do things with creativity, I find this particularly challenging. I have this big story in my head that I've been working on for two years, and I love it dearly. I like to use characters from this story in creative projects because I already have this connection with the story and it also kills two birds with one stone and makes me feel like I'm making progress on the story. Unfortunately, as much as I love it, I'm scared that other people will think it's weird and I get embarrassed, making it harder for me to actually work on the projects and just effing draw the characters because I'm so paralyzed by what my "cool friends" or my religious teacher will think. My other friend who has a lot of OCs and makes art like me has no problem sharing her stuff with our teacher, but I can't bring myself to do the same. I also worry so much about peoples' perceptions of me, so much that I low-key had a mental breakdown at one of my friends' birthday parties because we we're reading zodiac stuff on pinterest. All the stuff for my sign is always either the most bada$$, or the worst, it seems. Basically, I got scared that everyone was going to think I was gross and inappropriate and a pervert because of my zodiac sign (it also doesn't help that I'm a lesbian, and it was an all girls party haha. Although there was only one straight girl out of us four). I spent like the entire night freaking out and trying not to cry and I somehow managed to keep it under wraps because nobody noticed. Ironically, I don't even believe in zodiacs, cause they're all so vague and I can relate to literally any of them, given the right reading or whatever. Wow that was really long winded haha oh my god I'm so sorry about freaking wall of a paragraph

Um, I'm not real sure on the possible adhd. I read the list of symptoms you have to have, and that there have to be like 5-6 depending on how old you are, and I'm not sure whether I actually qualify. Recently, I've been having a lot of issues focusing on the books my dad's been having me read over the summer. Also, I've thought back a bit, and I realized sometimes I have this difficulty in school too. It's like, I understand how to do the thing, but actually putting it into practice... sometimes I just stare at my paper trying to think. I've also noticed that my mind tends to wander during this time, and I get distracted thinking about that shiny gen1 I saw on the AH yesterday, or about this character So-and-so who accidentally got stuck on a chandelier half-drunk, or about how I'll be this famous comic artist someday... and then ruin it all and fail miserably. Sometimes I get distracted thinking about how I haven't talked to my friends in ages and I probably won't, or about how no one is ever going to want to read my sh*tty story, or about how I'm probably a terrible person. Sometimes I even get distracted thinking about whether I'm "actually" mentally ill or whatnot, or whether I am, in fact, faking it for attention/so I can feel special. Which is... kind of ironic and sad. I also get kind of philosophical sometimes. jesus christ how do I write so much?!?! I also really hate doing homework or anything that requires mental effort unless I chose to do the thing. It takes me hours to complete homework assignments that shouldn't take near as long, and that's just on things I'm more comfortable with, like math and science. If I have a big english assignment, it's pretty much a given that it'll take at least an entire night. Also I seem to daydream a lot, which is something I had forgotten about until I read through this thread. I mean, I guess it's daydreaming. I sometimes just think of these ideas that are oh so great, and it's like I've got this little video playing in my mind of this idea. It can be helpful for creativity, but it's literally not helpful in any other way. I do notice as well that sometimes I move a lot or I have like a lot of energy haha. I seem to have issues starting and doing things too, like some people said earlier in the thread, but I don't know if for me that's add/adhd, or because I just get anxious and procrastinate so I don't have to deal with it.

I'm sorry, I feel like some of the last part of this makes less sense than the first part. There was like a 2 hour long period that I stopped writing this because my dad started talking, and the last half-ish of the last paragraph was written after wards. It's also almost 3:30 am here, and that's probably contributing too.

Also, if you wouldn't mind, I'd like to maybe join your discord server, please. I seem to have a hard time making friends online, especially on FR. I think it's probably because the main way of socializing is the forums, and coincidentally meeting people a few times doesn't build much of a friendship, at least for me. I could also just be bad at making friends. I realize though if you're uncomfortable letting someone who's undiagnosed or whatever on a server for neurodiverse ppl. I suppose, if nothing else, I could be kind of like an... ally? Like how there are straight allies for the LGBT+ community? I do want to understand what life is like for other people, so I can better my understand and myself as a person, and hopefully help to end stigmas and sh*t like that. I totally understand though if you'd rather not, I'll totally respect that if that's your choice.

Have a nice day! Also, again, I am sorry about the freaking book I just wrote. And the fact that this is like half rant, too. Honestly, I want to delete this so much.

@OpalTitanium not sure if you wanted to be pinged or not, sorry if not.

posting this is high-key really stressing me out haha