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TOPIC | harsh writing critiques (open)
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I’m not really sure if this is a thing or not. I was just reading through an art critique thread and I thought, hey, can’t I do this with writing too?

Tips are appreciated but not required! Please try and limit your writing to under a thousand words. If it’s been over a week and I haven’t responded, I probably missed your post by accident. Just send me a ping!



i’m not feeling so great: I’m very nice and use a lot of exclamation marks! Just a short little blurb on my overall impression of your writing and some areas you can improve.

i feel ok: A paragraph or two of critique. I’m very mean and I tell you exactly where your writing sucks and how you can improve.

just mess me up: The whole nine yards. Everything is scrutinized. Every single little punctuation and typo is put under the magnifying glass. Your carefully crafted characters cower under me. You think you’ve got nerves of steel? Think again.
I’m not really sure if this is a thing or not. I was just reading through an art critique thread and I thought, hey, can’t I do this with writing too?

Tips are appreciated but not required! Please try and limit your writing to under a thousand words. If it’s been over a week and I haven’t responded, I probably missed your post by accident. Just send me a ping!



i’m not feeling so great: I’m very nice and use a lot of exclamation marks! Just a short little blurb on my overall impression of your writing and some areas you can improve.

i feel ok: A paragraph or two of critique. I’m very mean and I tell you exactly where your writing sucks and how you can improve.

just mess me up: The whole nine yards. Everything is scrutinized. Every single little punctuation and typo is put under the magnifying glass. Your carefully crafted characters cower under me. You think you’ve got nerves of steel? Think again.
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@Egg

Eyy, I'm always looking for some critique!

I have six stories posted here, and would love some criticism for one of those stories. I've already got some critique for 'A first meeting' and 'The Great Fire', and I already edited 'Let your first move be your last'', but feel free to critique that one too. Whatever story you want. And if you don't, that's fine too!
I've just started writing, and English is not my first language, so don't expect too much, lol.

Go all out, don't hold back!
@Egg

Eyy, I'm always looking for some critique!

I have six stories posted here, and would love some criticism for one of those stories. I've already got some critique for 'A first meeting' and 'The Great Fire', and I already edited 'Let your first move be your last'', but feel free to critique that one too. Whatever story you want. And if you don't, that's fine too!
I've just started writing, and English is not my first language, so don't expect too much, lol.

Go all out, don't hold back!
mpVzeK8.gif l19-m29-m29-book.pngl19-m29-l19-book.pngs8-book.pngm2-book.pngl4-book.pngm23-book.pngs18-book.pngT16.png
ASbXVY4.png
BgfbVh5.gif • She/her
• Fr +9
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@Maevepanda For [i]A Burning Request[/i], part one [b]Overall:[/b] I’m really impressed with the quality of your writing! You said English isn’t your first language? You have an amazing sense of character—from Venetia to Deirdre and even the few I saw of Charity, I had an acute sense of the characters and their feelings. You made me care about them too, which is crucial in an author! Your flow was also impeccable. Each scene and dialogue flowed naturally from one to another. The storyline you created is also really interesting. There honestly isn’t a lot to critique. The only thing you need to work on is phrasing. Sometimes your phrases sound awkward and don’t fit into a sentence well. Also use em dashes instead of dashes! And with some adjectives you end up missing adding a -ly at the end of it. If you’d like me to explain anything I mentioned in the comments here or below, please just ask. [b]Detail:[/b] [quote]Deirdre did not mind the heat - she was born a Fire dragon, after all. And let’s not forget that time she was burned alive. [/quote] In this sentence make sure to use an em dash (—) rather than a dash (-). Also, the second part of the sentence sounds abrupt, especially with the change in tone and tense—you switched from third person to second person (let’s expands to let us) and the tone became more sardonic. [quote]“Hello there, Deirdre. Is there anything-”[/quote] Again, em dash instead of dash [quote]The floor was made of brown redwood, just like the furniture. The walls were decorated with a Victorian-era flower pattern. A round table stood in the middle of the room, surrounded by six wooden chairs. An open book lay on the table. [/quote] Not bad, but could be improved. Currently the description sounds a little wooden. You can add some life to it by tossing in longer sentences, descriptions, and actions. For example: Deirdre stepped into the room, observing the room for the first time. The floor was a dark brown redwood that was reflected in the furniture, while the walls were cheery and bright, the floral pattern harkening back to an older age. [quote]Venetia looked at Deirdre suspicious. [/quote] Two options: ‘Venetia looked at Deirdre, suspicious’ or ‘Venetia looked at Deirdre suspiciously’ [quote]“What is it you need help with, Deirdre?” Venetia still eyed Deirdre distrustful. [/quote] Same thing here. Two options: ‘Venetia still eyed Deirdre, distrustful’ or ‘Venetia still eyed Deirdre distrustfully’ [quote]It was the kind of smile she had seen once before - the day she had witnessed a murder.[/quote] Em dash instead of dash. [quote]It felt like a thin layer of ice – one wrong move, and she would be ducked under. [/quote] Ducked under is a bit of an odd statement, because to duck mean to knowingly put yourself lower. ‘Thrown under’ might be a better term. [quote]She started mumbling to herself, but still hearable to Venetia.[/quote] Should be: “but was still audible to Venetia” [quote]The process of searching for the wisdom she needed can’t be expressed in words, so Venetia never tried to explain it to anyone. [/quote] ‘Couldn't be expressed’ instead of ‘can’t’ [quote]Betrayal pained Venetia’s heart, feeling stupid that she fell for Deirdre’s tricks again.[/quote] Split this into two sentences for a more dramatic effect. ‘Betrayal pained Venetia’s heart. She felt stupid for falling for Deirdre’s tricks again.’
@Maevepanda

For A Burning Request, part one

Overall: I’m really impressed with the quality of your writing! You said English isn’t your first language? You have an amazing sense of character—from Venetia to Deirdre and even the few I saw of Charity, I had an acute sense of the characters and their feelings. You made me care about them too, which is crucial in an author! Your flow was also impeccable. Each scene and dialogue flowed naturally from one to another. The storyline you created is also really interesting.

There honestly isn’t a lot to critique. The only thing you need to work on is phrasing. Sometimes your phrases sound awkward and don’t fit into a sentence well. Also use em dashes instead of dashes! And with some adjectives you end up missing adding a -ly at the end of it. If you’d like me to explain anything I mentioned in the comments here or below, please just ask.


Detail:
Quote:
Deirdre did not mind the heat - she was born a Fire dragon, after all. And let’s not forget that time she was burned alive.

In this sentence make sure to use an em dash (—) rather than a dash (-). Also, the second part of the sentence sounds abrupt, especially with the change in tone and tense—you switched from third person to second person (let’s expands to let us) and the tone became more sardonic.

Quote:
“Hello there, Deirdre. Is there anything-”

Again, em dash instead of dash

Quote:
The floor was made of brown redwood, just like the furniture. The walls were decorated with a Victorian-era flower pattern. A round table stood in the middle of the room, surrounded by six wooden chairs. An open book lay on the table.

Not bad, but could be improved. Currently the description sounds a little wooden. You can add some life to it by tossing in longer sentences, descriptions, and actions. For example: Deirdre stepped into the room, observing the room for the first time. The floor was a dark brown redwood that was reflected in the furniture, while the walls were cheery and bright, the floral pattern harkening back to an older age.

Quote:
Venetia looked at Deirdre suspicious.

Two options: ‘Venetia looked at Deirdre, suspicious’ or ‘Venetia looked at Deirdre suspiciously’

Quote:
“What is it you need help with, Deirdre?” Venetia still eyed Deirdre distrustful.

Same thing here. Two options: ‘Venetia still eyed Deirdre, distrustful’ or ‘Venetia still eyed Deirdre distrustfully’

Quote:
It was the kind of smile she had seen once before - the day she had witnessed a murder.

Em dash instead of dash.

Quote:
It felt like a thin layer of ice – one wrong move, and she would be ducked under.

Ducked under is a bit of an odd statement, because to duck mean to knowingly put yourself lower. ‘Thrown under’ might be a better term.

Quote:
She started mumbling to herself, but still hearable to Venetia.

Should be: “but was still audible to Venetia”

Quote:
The process of searching for the wisdom she needed can’t be expressed in words, so Venetia never tried to explain it to anyone.

‘Couldn't be expressed’ instead of ‘can’t’

Quote:
Betrayal pained Venetia’s heart, feeling stupid that she fell for Deirdre’s tricks again.

Split this into two sentences for a more dramatic effect. ‘Betrayal pained Venetia’s heart. She felt stupid for falling for Deirdre’s tricks again.’
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@Egg
I'm not ready for this
just mess me up
Make my inner muse quiver with fear
I'd love to get of a critique of this kid's bio. I'm super happy with it for now and I'd love to get some feedback on it!
@Egg
I'm not ready for this
just mess me up
Make my inner muse quiver with fear
I'd love to get of a critique of this kid's bio. I'm super happy with it for now and I'd love to get some feedback on it!
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@Egg

Well, that was unexpected. I was preparing myself with ice cream and pillows to cry in. But look at that, I'm better at writing than I thought lol.

Thanks for the feedback! I noticed I have some trouble with the phrasing while I write, so I'll practice that more often. And I didn't know about the em dash, so thank you for that too!

Again, thank you for taking your time to read the story and criticize it ^^
@Egg

Well, that was unexpected. I was preparing myself with ice cream and pillows to cry in. But look at that, I'm better at writing than I thought lol.

Thanks for the feedback! I noticed I have some trouble with the phrasing while I write, so I'll practice that more often. And I didn't know about the em dash, so thank you for that too!

Again, thank you for taking your time to read the story and criticize it ^^
mpVzeK8.gif l19-m29-m29-book.pngl19-m29-l19-book.pngs8-book.pngm2-book.pngl4-book.pngm23-book.pngs18-book.pngT16.png
ASbXVY4.png
BgfbVh5.gif • She/her
• Fr +9
Wishlist
@Egg

aaa this is so cool!!

Do you also critique things off fr? I have a page on TH i wanted to show ;v; ?

If so, would you be interested on reading my character's page?

Since english isn't my first language, it would be lovely to get some help with my stories!!

((Also i'm all up for the just mess me up level yeeeee))
@Egg

aaa this is so cool!!

Do you also critique things off fr? I have a page on TH i wanted to show ;v; ?

If so, would you be interested on reading my character's page?

Since english isn't my first language, it would be lovely to get some help with my stories!!

((Also i'm all up for the just mess me up level yeeeee))
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Also I have an art shop
@Egg Just mess me up, man. I wrote a short story that I’m stashing in this dragon’s bio for now, but I haven’t written in awhile and definitely need to have my writing whipped back into shape !!
@Egg Just mess me up, man. I wrote a short story that I’m stashing in this dragon’s bio for now, but I haven’t written in awhile and definitely need to have my writing whipped back into shape !!
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@DragonJade [b]Overall: [/b] Really great work! I love the dialogue between the characters. It seems really lively and flows naturally from one to the other. I especially liked the ending of the short story, where she decides to keep the jewel for herself. You've truly made her come to life. There really isn't much to critique, but one thing you can work on is varying your sentences. I noticed you tend to start your sentences a lot with 'she did this' or 'Eigr did that'. Also, try and use conjunctions more within a sentence (but, and, that) instead of splitting a sentence into two, otherwise you end up with a comma splice. [b]Details:[/b] [quote]She considered it one of her best traits after all.[/quote] You can get rid of the 'after all'. It sounds like it's been tacked on at the end. [quote]So, yes, Eigr was a patient dragon. Which meant perching herself at the top of one of the tallest trees in the forest in the depths of winter didn’t seem to bother her all that much. [/quote] 'Which' is a conjunction, which you shouldn't start a sentence with. You have two options: '... Eigr was a patient dragon, which meant perching...' or '...Eigr was a patient dragon. That meant perching ...' [quote]She flicked her tail absentmindedly as she heard the sounds of several pawsteps coming up the hidden, but well-traveled path. [/quote] Dragons are reptiles, so they don't have paws. Just using 'footsteps' is fine. [quote]The grey one did not answer. The impact with the spines had left it bleeding nastly, and it wouldn’t be long before too much of his red blood poured out onto the snow. [/quote] 'Nastly' should be 'nastily'. The sentence also seems incomplete. Too much of his blood will pour onto the snow... and? He'll lose consciousness? He'll die? [quote]She tapped on the thing’s scale, not looking at the skydancer, but clearly addressing him when she spoke.[/quote] First part of the sentence sounds awkward. Try: 'She tapped on its scales...' [quote]Eigr spread her neck band forwards towards her chin and flared her frills in a devious smirk.[/quote] This wording is a bit odd. Do you mean she flared her frills, and that action itself is as if she's smirking? Or do you mean she flared her frills and then smirked? [quote]She slashed open the satchel with one quick swipe and pulled out a red jewel the size of her.[/quote] 'Size of her body' would work better. [quote] If her client wanted to try and take it from her. Well, let him try.[/quote] You need to resolve the 'if' in the sentence. Try: 'If her client wanted to try and take it from her... well, let him try.
@DragonJade

Overall: Really great work! I love the dialogue between the characters. It seems really lively and flows naturally from one to the other. I especially liked the ending of the short story, where she decides to keep the jewel for herself. You've truly made her come to life.

There really isn't much to critique, but one thing you can work on is varying your sentences. I noticed you tend to start your sentences a lot with 'she did this' or 'Eigr did that'. Also, try and use conjunctions more within a sentence (but, and, that) instead of splitting a sentence into two, otherwise you end up with a comma splice.


Details:
Quote:
She considered it one of her best traits after all.

You can get rid of the 'after all'. It sounds like it's been tacked on at the end.

Quote:
So, yes, Eigr was a patient dragon. Which meant perching herself at the top of one of the tallest trees in the forest in the depths of winter didn’t seem to bother her all that much.

'Which' is a conjunction, which you shouldn't start a sentence with. You have two options: '... Eigr was a patient dragon, which meant perching...' or '...Eigr was a patient dragon. That meant perching ...'

Quote:
She flicked her tail absentmindedly as she heard the sounds of several pawsteps coming up the hidden, but well-traveled path.

Dragons are reptiles, so they don't have paws. Just using 'footsteps' is fine.

Quote:
The grey one did not answer. The impact with the spines had left it bleeding nastly, and it wouldn’t be long before too much of his red blood poured out onto the snow.

'Nastly' should be 'nastily'. The sentence also seems incomplete. Too much of his blood will pour onto the snow... and? He'll lose consciousness? He'll die?

Quote:
She tapped on the thing’s scale, not looking at the skydancer, but clearly addressing him when she spoke.

First part of the sentence sounds awkward. Try: 'She tapped on its scales...'

Quote:
Eigr spread her neck band forwards towards her chin and flared her frills in a devious smirk.

This wording is a bit odd. Do you mean she flared her frills, and that action itself is as if she's smirking? Or do you mean she flared her frills and then smirked?

Quote:
She slashed open the satchel with one quick swipe and pulled out a red jewel the size of her.

'Size of her body' would work better.

Quote:
If her client wanted to try and take it from her. Well, let him try.

You need to resolve the 'if' in the sentence. Try: 'If her client wanted to try and take it from her... well, let him try.
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@Silverhame You weren't kidding about the length! This is part one. I'll post the next part in a little bit, with the overview coming at the end instead of the beginning. [b]Details:[/b] [quote]At his hands many have died, but it is the gentle, inexorable and breathtakingly beautiful sleep of falling snow and a still winter night. [/quote] 'Many have died at his hands...' is better. It uses active voice rather than passive voice. [quote]I am the Ender of All Paths, his soft cloudy breath declares. And his noiseless feet, I am the Weary One, and his mouth, Yet I must go on for I have not yet done the right thing. And his heart says, I long to love and be loved, but also not.[/quote] This entire paragraph is confusing to read. I get what you're trying to do, but it needs to be formatted/written differently. Try: 'I am the Ender of All Paths, his soft, cloudy breath declares. I am the Weary One, his noiseless feet whisper, while his mouth says, 'I must go on, for I have not yet done the right thing'. Yet his heart longs to love and be loved, and yet at the same time, not. [quote]A slip, and a crack of ice, and crashing snow and a white world. And everything he knew was gone beyond saving. In his ears rang a dragon’s cries for his mate, and in turn a mother’s cries for her son.[/quote] Remember that you're writing for an audience (unless you're writing for yourself only, in which case, feel free to disregard). As a reader, I'm not sure what's happening here. Did [i]he[/i] slip and cause an avalanche? Was it someone else? Are the dragons that are crying out his clan mates, or his family? Wording wise, try: 'A slip, a crack of ice, and then snow is crashing down all around, burying his world in white. It only took a moment, and yet everything he knew was beyond saving.' [quote]He would always remember their first meeting — tiny and fluffy, gazing up at the great, grand Imperial who looked like she could squash him with a claw.[/quote] Try: 'He had been tiny and fluffy'. [quote]Unfortunately, right from the start it was evident that though he threw his heart into his studies, his mind and his paws could never match up.[/quote] Change 'though' to 'while'. [quote]When she told him a spell to repeat forwards and backwards, he said it backwards and forwards and sneezed halfway through.[/quote] Wording is awkward in the first half of the sentence. Try: 'When she told him to repeat a spell forwards and backwards...' I would also use 'then' in place of 'and', because the spell in in a sequence. [quote]It could not be long before he drove himself to disaster. [/quote] Change 'could' to 'would'. [quote] "Is that you, Ginkgo? Quick, it’s an emergency. My daughter’s been hit by a Centaur arrow."[/quote] Centaur doesn't need to be capitalized. Also, how does she know him when he calls her a stranger? [quote]He heard the little dragon’s moans before he saw her, and flinging down the bag, searched through her blood-soaked fluff for the projectile.[/quote] Comma should be placed after the 'and' and not before. [quote]"Shush," murmured Ginkgo, "it’s okay. We’ll fix you up right away," and dug through the bag, and went cold.[/quote] Separate into two sentences: "We'll fix you up right away." He dug through the bag and then went cold. [quote]The scent of healing magic was thick on the air.[/quote] Change 'on' to 'in'. [quote]...but the entrance had become a wall of pink-grey stone without trace or crack. [/quote] Should be: '... without a trace or crack.' [quote]Ever afterwards Ginkgo would wonder if Snow wept with him on the other side of the wall. And the phantom sound of her tears echoed in time with his feet as he walked, everywhere and nowhere. [/quote] Should be: 'Even afterwards...' You can get rid of the 'and' at the beginning of the second sentence too. [quote]Whatever he did, too many times he felt his patient sink down in his arms and saw their life melt away before his eyes.[/quote] Change 'whatever he did' to 'no matter what he did'. [quote]Snow would have mourned to see him struggling along with the rudest of country-healing, after all those hours of poring over scrolls and constructing lovely spells.[/quote] Is 'rudest' a typo? Did you mean 'crudest'? [quote]But he was Ginkgo after all, Ginkgo the Fool, Ginkgo the Useless.[/quote] Switch all commas for periods. [quote]And he was also Ginkgo Chaser of Ghosts, for as time went on...[/quote] Two options: 'And he was also Gingko, Chaser of Ghosts...' or 'And he was Gingko the Chaser of Ghosts...'
@Silverhame

You weren't kidding about the length! This is part one. I'll post the next part in a little bit, with the overview coming at the end instead of the beginning.


Details:
Quote:
At his hands many have died, but it is the gentle, inexorable and breathtakingly beautiful sleep of falling snow and a still winter night.

'Many have died at his hands...' is better. It uses active voice rather than passive voice.

Quote:
I am the Ender of All Paths, his soft cloudy breath declares. And his noiseless feet, I am the Weary One, and his mouth, Yet I must go on for I have not yet done the right thing. And his heart says, I long to love and be loved, but also not.

This entire paragraph is confusing to read. I get what you're trying to do, but it needs to be formatted/written differently. Try: 'I am the Ender of All Paths, his soft, cloudy breath declares. I am the Weary One, his noiseless feet whisper, while his mouth says, 'I must go on, for I have not yet done the right thing'. Yet his heart longs to love and be loved, and yet at the same time, not.

Quote:
A slip, and a crack of ice, and crashing snow and a white world. And everything he knew was gone beyond saving. In his ears rang a dragon’s cries for his mate, and in turn a mother’s cries for her son.

Remember that you're writing for an audience (unless you're writing for yourself only, in which case, feel free to disregard). As a reader, I'm not sure what's happening here. Did he slip and cause an avalanche? Was it someone else? Are the dragons that are crying out his clan mates, or his family?

Wording wise, try: 'A slip, a crack of ice, and then snow is crashing down all around, burying his world in white. It only took a moment, and yet everything he knew was beyond saving.'

Quote:
He would always remember their first meeting — tiny and fluffy, gazing up at the great, grand Imperial who looked like she could squash him with a claw.

Try: 'He had been tiny and fluffy'.

Quote:
Unfortunately, right from the start it was evident that though he threw his heart into his studies, his mind and his paws could never match up.

Change 'though' to 'while'.

Quote:
When she told him a spell to repeat forwards and backwards, he said it backwards and forwards and sneezed halfway through.

Wording is awkward in the first half of the sentence. Try: 'When she told him to repeat a spell forwards and backwards...' I would also use 'then' in place of 'and', because the spell in in a sequence.

Quote:
It could not be long before he drove himself to disaster.
Change 'could' to 'would'.

Quote:
"Is that you, Ginkgo? Quick, it’s an emergency. My daughter’s been hit by a Centaur arrow."

Centaur doesn't need to be capitalized. Also, how does she know him when he calls her a stranger?

Quote:
He heard the little dragon’s moans before he saw her, and flinging down the bag, searched through her blood-soaked fluff for the projectile.

Comma should be placed after the 'and' and not before.

Quote:
"Shush," murmured Ginkgo, "it’s okay. We’ll fix you up right away," and dug through the bag, and went cold.

Separate into two sentences: "We'll fix you up right away." He dug through the bag and then went cold.

Quote:
The scent of healing magic was thick on the air.

Change 'on' to 'in'.

Quote:
...but the entrance had become a wall of pink-grey stone without trace or crack.
Should be: '... without a trace or crack.'

Quote:
Ever afterwards Ginkgo would wonder if Snow wept with him on the other side of the wall. And the phantom sound of her tears echoed in time with his feet as he walked, everywhere and nowhere.
Should be: 'Even afterwards...' You can get rid of the 'and' at the beginning of the second sentence too.

Quote:
Whatever he did, too many times he felt his patient sink down in his arms and saw their life melt away before his eyes.

Change 'whatever he did' to 'no matter what he did'.

Quote:
Snow would have mourned to see him struggling along with the rudest of country-healing, after all those hours of poring over scrolls and constructing lovely spells.

Is 'rudest' a typo? Did you mean 'crudest'?

Quote:
But he was Ginkgo after all, Ginkgo the Fool, Ginkgo the Useless.

Switch all commas for periods.

Quote:
And he was also Ginkgo Chaser of Ghosts, for as time went on...

Two options: 'And he was also Gingko, Chaser of Ghosts...' or 'And he was Gingko the Chaser of Ghosts...'



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