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TorisLaurinaitis
I’m so sorry for the delay! Life got kind of hectic and then I had no time to do this for a while. But here you are!
Overall: So there are two components to this little blurb so I’ll address the separately. I’ll start off with your descriptions. This comprises the first couple of paragraphs where you’re describing the forest. Overall, this is where you excel. Your writing is gorgeous! You know how to spin language in a picturesque and dreamy way. The one thing you need to be careful of is to make sure there’s sustenance to that type of writing and that it’s not just empty. While ‘replenishing the life that had been drained from the restless forest’ sounds gorgeous... what does a restless forest mean? Why is it being replenished? I have a tendency to do the same. I need to constantly tell myself: ‘These words are put together in a nice sounding way, but what are they actually describing and why?’
The next component of your writing is how you describe people and their actions. I find that you tend to use double descriptors in one sentence. For example ‘triumphantly and satisfactory smile’ or ‘harmonically with bright smile’. If you just stick the one descriptor the sentences would have a lot more punch, since they’d be a lot more concise.
And this is just general feedback, but maybe consider keep the text left aligned instead of center aligned?
Details:
Quote:
Rain glides off the leaves in the deep forest, replenishing the life that had been drained from the restless forest.
This is a pretty abrupt way to start your story. Try and help position the reader somehow. It’s a pretty minor issue though, so this is up to your discretion if you’d like to change it or not.
Quote:
Sparrows soar from tree to tree, darting between the falling raindrops.
You might want to change to a different kind of bird. I did a quick Wikipedia search and apparently sparrows generally live in open habitats, so they wouldn’t be found in forests.
Quote:
It seemed to calm you, with everything so soundless, yet wonderfully orchestrated.
You switched from present tense to past tense here. Change ‘seemed’ to ‘seem’. Or, I would actually do away with the word altogether, because ‘seem’ is such a vague word.
Quote:
You reach a small clearing where the sun soaks the ferns and the wings of small insects glitter with the sun’s rays.
I’m a little confused about the weather change. It was raining previously, so when did the sun come out? Try and mention, perhaps, the sun breaking out between the clouds.
Quote:
A dragonfly-- no, a damselfly, small and delicate, flitters in front of you to catch up with the others sitting on the sign posted among the bushes.
Use an em dash (—) instead of two dashes put together. Instead of ‘the others’, try and use another descriptor. For example: ‘...flitters in front of you to catch up with its fellow members sitting upon the sign posted in the bushes.’
Quote:
The sign read “Damselfly Wings - Art and Lore”, with an additional “Deals!” sprawled on the bottom.
You’ve switched tense from present to past again. Change ‘read’ to ‘reads’.
Quote:
You curiously walk into the doorless entrance, looking around at the art that hung on the walls and the countless scrolls on shelves.
Try and change up the sentence structure a bit, just to add a little more interest. You can’t technically walk ‘into’ an entrance as well, so change it to ‘through the entrance’.
All together, it might look like: ‘Curious, you walk through the doorless entrance to look at the art hung all over the walls...’
Also, just before this sentence, you might want to add a little sentence about the exterior of the store itself. You only mention a sign, and then immediately afterwards the character is walking through a door.
Quote:
A Spiral flies in after her and sits on the desk and starts rummaging through her stuff for a treat.
Too many ‘ands’. The part about the spiral sitting on the desk is unnecessary so you can just cut the middle part right out.
As well, you don’t need to capitalize the word ‘spiral’. Think of it as an animal name. If you were writing about tigers, you wouldn’t capitalize the word tiger in a sentence.
Quote:
The spiral lifts up it's little cookie triumphantly and eats it right down with a satisfactory smile.
Try: ‘...it’s little cookie triumphantly and downs it with a satisfactory smile.’
Quote:
A boy quite taller than Kes stumbles in, obviously missing his cue yet not wanting to miss his part.
Should be: ‘quite a bit taller’
Quote:
A Skydancer pokes its head through the door he came through and snapped at the the pencil in his hand, and Celadon consequently drops it and scowls at the Skydancer before stroking it's head.
Same thing as above. No need to capitalize skydancer.
You changed tenses again from present to past. ‘Snapped’ should be ‘snaps’.
The sentence runs a little long. You can probably cut it in half when Celadon drops the pencil.
I’m also not sure if you should be using Celadon’s name before he’s introduced himself, but of course, that’s up to your discretion!
Quote:
“Kes’ business partner of sorts,” he says picking up his fallen pencil and continues to pet the curious dragon's head.
Two ways to fix this. ‘...picking up his fallen pencil and continuing to pet...’ or ‘...picking up his fallen pencil as he continues to pet...’
Quote:
“So I also run this shop,” he says with a slight pout at Kes for not being mentioned before, “and I draw human OCs and humanoids with paper pencil as well. I also write bios and lore as well.”
Do you mean ‘paper and pencil’?
Quote:
They stand in silence for a second both thinking of what they could have missed.
Comma after ‘second’
Quote:
Um… For all services we need details and specifics depending on what you would like.
No need to capitalize after an ellipse.