Creative Corner

@Egg Thank you! The thing is, Unnatural Hatred was my very first piece that wasn't a fanfiction, and so I was a lot less experienced back then, even after writing two books, so... Yeah! Thanks!

Thank you so much!!! I really love the feedback and it helps a lot :D

open again! get y'all critiques

Yo yo yo @egg mess me up with this I was planning to rewrite anyway. Please only look at the writing ignore the cringy art
https://scratch.mit.edu/projects/295044150

@Egg hi, is it ok to PM you my writing? I don't like it getting out in the open, haha.

@ArowanaPrincess

Yup!

@fridaeicecream [b]General: [/b] Kudos on creating your own Boku no Hero Academia character! I absolutely loved the last line of this first chapter. However, please use lowercase whenever you use the word 'quirk'. Think of it as the same as the word 'superpower'. For example: "She had a superpower." As you can see in this sentence, you wouldn't capitalize the word. Where I think you can improve is actually in your description of how quirks work. I'm assuming you're writing for an audience that knows nothing about quirks. In that case, they would be confused about quirks and the role of heroes in the world. Your description doesn't need to be super long, but it needs to be concise and clear, especially considering this is the first chapter. Think about how someone with absolutely no knowledge of quirks would need it to be described. Try something simple like: "Quirks were a genetic mutation that most people in the population were born with. They ranged from [example] to [example], but they had the ability to completely define a person's life. A person with a quirk who could control minds was feared and looked down upon far more than a person with, say, super strength." I'd also encourage you to try and vary your sentence lengths and use longer sentences. [b]Details:[/b] [quote]She decided this one day, as she sat alone in the janitor’s closet for, what was it now, the fifty-third day in a row?[/quote] As a general rule, numbers above ten should use numerals rather than be spelled out. So: "... what was it now, the 53rd day in a row?" [quote]Yes, there was no such thing as friends, or at least not for one so exploitable as herself.[/quote] Your use of 'one' in this sentence is really vague. I suggest using 'person' or 'someone' instead. So: "... or at least for someone as exploitable as herself." [quote]They did not define their personality, per say, but defined how others viewed them, which was, in Iro’s opinion, more important.[/quote] Should be 'per se'. [quote]For example, anyone with a blood Quirk or manipulative Quirk was deemed “probably a villain”. People with faint quirks were “soft”, or “weak”. [/quote] As far as I'm aware, there aren't categories of quirks in Boku no Hero Academia, which is why I'm confused about your grouping of quirks into "blood", "manipulative", and "faint". These descriptors are super vague. Perhaps consider providing examples of specific quirks, which I feel like you have some in mind already? [quote]Besides that, most quirks had little to no real impact, but could be used for a specialty job or hobby.[/quote] Try: "Other than that, most quirks..." [quote] Her “superpower” was to change the color and or pattern of whatever she touched. Whether she wanted it to or not. [/quote] Change to: "Her superpower was that she could change the color or pattern of whatever she touched—whether she wanted it to or not." I'm also a little confused about her quirk. As far as I'm aware, quirks in Boku no Hero Academia are activated or deactivated at will. The [b]only[/b] quirk where that fact might be contested is Hagakure, whose invisbility seems activated constantly. Is there a reason Iro's quirk is not controllable? [quote] Because of this she wore gloves almost 24/7, except when she was showering. [/quote] Try not to start sentences with "because". You can reorder the sentence to avoid this. Try: "She wore gloves almost 24/7 because of this, except when she was showering." [quote]The gloves’ fabric swirled in an ever-changing color shift, which drew a lot of attention she really didn’t want, so she sometimes wore a second pair of gloves over her first.[/quote] "Ever-changing color shift" is a little bit awkward. [quote]When she was little, Iro had the tendency to talk about her Quirk a lot. [/quote] Change 'little' to 'younger'. [quote]She wasn’t bragging, and most other kids were talking about them, because everyone’s quirks were manifesting around that age, but her chatter attracted the attention of a nearby group of trope girls. [/quote] I suggest just changing this to: "She wasn't bragging—most other kids were talking about their quirks too, because everyone's quirks manifested around that age—but her chatter..." [quote]So Nise and her posse sauntered over to Iro, and introduced themselves.[/quote] Delete the comma. [quote]“Yeah! Wanna see?” Iro replied. “Of course,” Nise said. Iro slipped off her tiny glove and patted her sweater. The pink sweater became a light yellow. “Amazing,” Nise muttered, before looking Iro in the eyes and saying, “Can you make my dress purple?” “Sure!” Iro beamed, happy to help. She reached over, and as soon as her finger touched the fabric, a shade of lavender spread all over it. “Wow,” Nise said. “Do you wanna be friends?” Nise asked. “Yeah!” Iro cheered. [/quote] Whenever the speaker changes, make it into a new paragraph. [quote]And so they were “friends”, for around 5 years. [/quote] Delete comma. [quote]But, at the start of fifth grade, things went downhill.[/quote] Delete first comma. [quote]Iro never really spoke her opinion, out of fear of losing Nise’s friendship. But this was too much. Iro invited Nise and her group to her birthday party. None of them came. [/quote] I would suggest getting rid of the first two sentences and going straight to the birthday party incident. It's more impactful that way. [quote]“Why didn’t you come to my birthday party?” Nise simply sighed, looked at her nails and said, “Because we had a spa day, alright?” Iro looked baffled. “Well why didn’t you tell me about it? I wouldn’t’ve had my party on the same day!” “Because we didn’t want you there. You’re not cool.” “Then why am I your friend?” But Nise and her girls sashayed away. One of them turned around and said,[/quote] Again, different speakers should be on different paragraphs. Also, please change "would't've" to "wouldn't have had" and change that last comma to a colon, since the following dialogue is on a new paragraph. [quote] She looked down, and the first thing that looked out of place was her hands.... her gloves.... her quirk! [/quote] All ellipses should be three dots instead of four. [quote]Because for Iro Henka, there was not such thing as “friends”. [/quote] Same thing as earlier - try not to start your sentences with 'because. Just: "For Iro Henka, there was..." works just as well.

@Dynami [b]General:[/b] I love your characters! They really come alive in your writing, and it's definitely the strongest part of your writing. You also have a really great sense of flow while writing. As for the critique, you've been formatting your dialogue incorrectly, but more details on that below. I suggest that you try not to "overwrite" or over explain. Some of your sentences can get kind of unwieldy with extra words and adverbs like "mostly". Also, try to avoid using the word "got"! I noticed you use it quite frequently, but other words could be utilized better, and to a greater effect. I've pointed it out in a few key instances below. [b]Details:[/b] [quote]She heard a grunt, then purple eyes.[/quote] The verb here is "heard", so the last bit of sentence is confusing because you switch to sight all of a sudden. Try: "She heard a grunt, then glimpsed purple eyes." [quote]“What is it? It’s a little early.” Katryna asked.[/quote] Dialogue is actually supposed to be formatted differently! You use a comma instead of a period. The correct method is this: "What is it? It's a little early," Katryna asked. I'll leave you to correct the rest of the dialogue on your own. [quote]The only sound they heard was the sound of ringing bells.[/quote] Try to avoid using the same word twice in the same sentence. In this case, it's "sound". [quote]Even after the days they've been here, it's been hard to get used to the large hallways, pillars, paintings, and glass stained windows.[/quote] You switched to present tense all of a sudden here. Should be: "Even after all the days they'd been here, it'd been hard to get..." [quote] There were lots of rooms like dining rooms, individual chambers, meeting chambers, the throne room...[/quote] Try and make your descriptions more dynamic rather than just listing them. For exampe: "The rooms in the castle were large and extensive, so numerous that she'd lost count while trying to keep track of them all. Even the ceilings in the individual chamber rooms towered over her head, not to mention the dining room, or the throne room." [quote]But when Katryna and Arneya reached the exit, the doors were closed and some guards blocked the way, some holding weapons.[/quote] Change to: "... the doors were closed, with guards blocking the way?..." [quote]The two Guardians had seen dragons like them before in the capital, but they never knew what breed they were.[/quote] Change to "... but they had never known" [quote]The Gaoler glanced at another guard next to him for a moment.[/quote] Since in the sentence previously, the two sisters are wondering about what breed they are, I'd hold off on using the term 'Gaoler'. [quote]In a small place like their home, all she had was her family, books, and imagination.[/quote] I would change this wording. When I first read it, I thought she was describing the castle as small, which confused me because it was originally described as very large. Then I realized she meant 'home' as in the place she and her sisters came from. [quote]Arneya had never had to handle any sort of attacks[/quote] 'Attack' should be singular not plural. [quote]The most she’d seen was their father’s kills when he went hunting for them, but that was about it. [/quote] This sentence is a little vague. Try: "The only violence she'd been exposed to were her father's kills when he went off hunting..." [quote]Katryna seemed to notice her trembling, because she got closer and whispered to her.[/quote] Try to avoid using 'got' if you can, since it's such a non-descriptive word. 'Moved' would be used better here. [quote] Standing with his fellow guards on the front lines nearby the palace, Calemvir kept an eye out for any signs of the Serthis. He waited for any signal to get moving as well as any word from the sentries in the watchtowers.[/quote] You used 'any' three times in two sentences. Maybe consider rewording these sentences? [quote]According to the sentries in the West, the Serthis managed to climb over the trees and found the entrances somehow, breaking through and invading.[/quote] 'West' should be in lower case. [quote]He didn't know too much about the Serthis, but he did know that their groups had been growing and changing their dynamics.[/quote] 'Changing their dynamics' is a really vague description. What does it mean? [quote]As they got closer, he recognized them as Chara and the Chief Guard, Clawrake.[/quote] Same as above. 'Got' is a pretty bland word. In this case, "... as they flew closer..." is a better term. [quote]She was a guard in the capital, after all.[/quote] You could probably delete this sentence. [quote]He was one of the dragons that were charged with guarding the dragons of authority, specifically the leader.[/quote] Change the comma to an em dash (—) [quote]He'd been on the field before, but he was given that position later on.[/quote] This sentence is just a little awkward. Try: "Before he was given this position, he'd just been a regular field soldier." [quote]Shadarsia was with Umbra in her own chambers near the throne, and guards were standing in front of the door to the throne room both inside and outside [/quote] Comma before "both inside and outside". [quote]While the clan had many guards fighting for them, they sometimes hired mercenaries. Due to that, debts happened.[/quote] I'm a little confused why that second sentence is there. It seems like an irrelevant detail to the seige/attack that is going on. [quote]During attacks, the weaker dragons in the palace like servants were hidden away in guarded cellars. [/quote] Delete "the weaker dragons in the place like" [quote] "We have reports that some Serthis made it into the palace.[/quote] Change to: "We have reports that some Sethis have made it into the palace." [quote] "Perhaps it's so hard for someone to simply close a window."[/quote] Your use of the word 'perhaps' is a little odd. I suggest you change it to: "How is it so difficult for dragons to close a window?" [quote] She faced the door again, "Is that all?"[/quote] This should be a period, not a comma. [quote]Serthis had hidden in the room with them.[/quote] Change to: "A group of Sethis had hidden in the room with them." [quote]Shadarsia could hear her telling the guards what was going on. Not that it mattered, because they were ordered to stay in their position. [/quote] Change to: "... was going on—not that it mattered, because they were..." [quote]Shadarsia swung her sword horizontally at the Serthis, but only managed to hit one. [/quote] 'Horizontally' isn't a typical sword description. I suggest removing it. [quote] She noticed one of them had a bottle of toxins which were blue.[/quote] Comma after 'toxins' [quote]Strong enough to take down a Guardian. Shadarsia thought.[/quote] Comma rather than a period. [quote]The one with the toxins were behind the other Serthis, so she would have to get past them in order to target him. [/quote] Change to: "The one with the toxins was behind..." [quote]The Beastclans were smaller and quicker, though.[/quote] Delete comma. [quote]The bad thing about armor is that it slows you down if it's too heavy.[/quote] You switched to present tense again. "The bad thing about armor was that it slowed you down if it was too heavy." [quote] But there wasn't a large number of them in the room, so it was something Shadarsia could handle.[/quote] Delete "in the room" [quote]But what ticked Shadarsia off the most was how these snakes dared to try and sneak up on her and her daughter. [/quote] If you're looking for a stronger adjective, I'd suggest 'enraged'. For example, "What enraged Shadarsia the most..." [quote]As far as she was concerned, Umbra was the first daughter she actually raised.[/quote] Change to: "The first daughter she had actually..."

@Egg [size=2][s]This has been a long time coming but I think it's time to actually...ask people what they think of my OCs instead of hiding them[/s][/size] https://toyhou.se/2065763.falco ^A lot of the stuff in this particular boyo's little corner of existence stems from RPs going back since 2012 (during which he was rewritten A LOT) that weren't always...connected universally. In an effort to connect them all into a coherent backstory I made up this...clusterheck of something... I want to be more confident in my characters but at the same time I want to know that they're terrible? So yeah feel free to shred him >:D [url=http://flightrising.com/main.php?dragon=33173802] [img]http://flightrising.com/rendern/350/331739/33173802_350.png[/img] [/url] He has an OC dragon too in case that's easier lmao^