Creative Corner

@Silverhame Part two! [quote]And then he looked again at the hard lines of the fortress and knew it to be the dwelling place of the Icewarden, god of ice.[/quote] Capitalization needed because it's a title: 'God of Ice'. [quote]Barrels of various sizes loaded it, filled with grain by the scent of them.[/quote] You're using passive voice here, but active voice is better: "It was loaded with barrels of various sizes..." [quote]With a sigh, he settled himself on the lip of the tail and adjusted the pack around his neck.[/quote] The lip of what tail? His tail? [quote]In the southern winter, sniffles and wheezes were abundant, and though dragons were quick to exchange country cures for coins and food, Ginkgo backed away from their offers until his stomach could stand it no longer.[/quote] I'm confused about what's happening here. Is he sick or are other dragons sick?Are they asking him to heal? If so, why would he say he's a healer instead of a mage, like he told the brown tundra? [quote]And then, a Tundra bursting in, her armor clattering...[/quote] Where is he now? You need to mention it so the reader has a clear idea of the transition between when he wanders and when he's at a place. [quote]Speaking a spell still left a sick feeling in his stomach, but what could he do?[/quote] 'Chanting spells' instead of 'Speaking a spell'. [quote]For reach back too far, and he would rediscover the first day….[/quote] Change to: 'If he reached back too far...' Also, an ellipse has three periods not four. [quote]And here Ginkgo’s memory flinched away still harder, not from the sentence but the judge who proclaimed the sentence….[/quote] Again, three periods for an ellipse, not four. [quote]He smelled the acrid tang of sauter, and a guard with a wicked file sawed through his bonds and pushed a packet into his paws, wrapped in a dirty cloth.[/quote] Sauter? Do you mean solder? [quote]“Go. You’re free.”[/quote] I don't understand why him and other prisoners are being set free, especially after pleading guilty. Unless there's been a time skip and after years and years, they're being set free? If so, you need to indicate this time shift. [b]Overall:[/b] Is this based on Gingko from Mushishi? If not, then don't worry about it. I think the strongest part of your writing is that you can really utilize your writing to set a distinct tone of the story. The descriptions you use in the story are hauntingly beautiful. However, even though your writing is beautiful, you need to know how to write it in a way that is grammatically correct. Only then will you be able to really craft a world and a story that impacts the reader. For example, you utilize a lot of fragmented sentences. these are sentences that are just a statement. It's okay to use one or two of these, but you need to use them sparingly. In a similar vein, you start your sentences a lot with 'and', which should also be used sparingly. The last thing is that you need to be clear with what he's doing, especially during transition scenes. You're really good with describing his inner thoughts, but his outer actions—what he's doing, where he's going, where he is currently sitting—are unclear and downright confusing at times. I pointed it out where I could. And favourite line: When this herb had to be diced and those books stacked, he diced the books and stacked the herbs.

@Maevepanda

You're great at writing! And you're very welcome for the feedback. The great thing about writing is that you can only improve the more you write.

@Egg
could you do an inbetween "i’m not feeling so great" and "im feeling ok" ? for Smog?

if you find any odd idioms, it's probably bc i translated it directly from another language by accident hfhsdjfhjs

@Egg

Hello! Thanks for offering free writing critique! Just mess me up xD for this pretty's bio. Grammar isn't my strong suit and maybe phrasing too, so it always feel like something is lacking so any feedback is very much appreciated!

@Gif [b]Overall:[/b] I love this character you’ve created! Also, I’m amazed you’re able to write this well in a second language. God knows if I attempted to write anything in Mandarin it’d be a disaster. I also absolutely love the design of them. There are a couple things I’d like to address in terms of critique. Your writing tends to have very long sentences. Try cutting these into shorter, more digestible bits. And try to use less lists. Sometimes it’s better to just list one of two traits and then expand on them heavily, rather than to list a bunch of traits. Please let me know if you’re confused about any of the things I mention here or below! [b]Details:[/b] [quote]The family with the biggest "public image" on the Daemon territory, being one of the most privileged family, holding charities, gala events, art shows, and being overall the loved family by the daemons, appearing on television, magazines, news, tabloids. [/quote] A couple things to unpack here. First, this sentence is way too long. You can split it into three sentences, with each break happening when you start listing things. Try: ‘The family with the biggest “public image” in the Daemon territory. They’re one of the most privileged families, often holding charities, gala events, and even art shows. This beloved family often appears on television, magazines, news, and tabloids as well.’ You also made a typo. It should be ‘families’ not ‘family’. Also be careful not to get too list-y. At some point it starts reading as monotonous. The last thing is that ‘biggest public image’ sounds awkward. ‘This family is constantly in the public eye’ sounds more natural, or even something about their presence in the public. [quote]Being the only daughter of the Sempronia family, Aster was the target of the press and was seen as the perfect example of a lady, politeness, and beauty. [/quote] Two things. The first is that there are two conflicting statements here. The term ‘targeted by the press’ has negative connotations, as if the press was looking to slander his name, but then you follow it up with ‘he was seen as perfect’. Logically, it would make more sense if the sentence was constructed like ‘despite being targeted by the press, he was always a perfect example of a lady’. Unless by ‘targeted by the press’ you mean that he was seen in the press as a perfect example of a lady, then you need to clarify that. The second thing involves the list. The three items in the list need to be consistent with each other. In this case, ‘lady’ isn’t consistent with ‘politeness’ and ‘beauty’. You can alter it a couple different ways, but I’d recommend getting rid of the list altogether, like: ‘... was the perfect example of being a lady, with both politeness and beauty.’ [quote]Learning how to have a perfect posture, to sing, paint, and dance, so he could perform to other people and get a nice picture in a magazine [/quote] This is a fragmented sentence. To fix, just change to ‘He learnt how to...’ at the beginning. [quote]Since he was a child, he was always surrounded by people, so he got used to put up a nice smile so everyone could take a photo or two. [/quote] Change to: ‘... putting up a nice...’ [quote]Not being able to cry in public or throw a tantrum; Aster was heavily reprimanded by his parents. [/quote] Do you mean if he threw a tantrum he was reprimanded? If so, you really do need to add that ‘if’ at the beginning. [quote]Living as someone people looked up to, and admired, it sure made a big effect on his actual personality, having a feeling of not being his own person. [/quote] Change to: ‘Living as someone people looked up to and admired had a big effect on his personality, giving him the feeling of not being his own person.’ [quote]Aster learned to treasure every alone moment he could get... [/quote] Switch ‘alone moment’ to ‘moment alone’ [quote]Aster loved his own art, his surreal paintings that passed a sad feeling. [/quote] ‘Passed’ isn’t quite the right term. Perhaps use ‘contained’ instead? Also, melancholy might be a better word to use instead of sad. [quote]Of course, his parents made him paint "better" stuff for the charities events, where they auctioned his paintings, but Aster kept his own personal art to himself. [/quote] Typo. ‘Charity events’ not ‘charities events’ [quote]Being always "loved" by the daemons, Aster always seen this love as something superficial and fake. [/quote] Change to: ‘Aster has always seen...’ [quote]When someone doesn't like him, Aster gets really anxious looking where did he "got it wrong". [/quote] Try: ‘... Aster gets really anxious, asking himself where did he “get it wrong”.’ [quote]Sadly, Aster is someone with serious depersonalization problems, anxiety, panic, and depression. [/quote] Again, this list has items that don’t quite match with each other. Try: ‘... with serious depersonalization problems and also suffers from anxiety, panic attacks, and depression.’ [quote]But of course, the midia doesn't know that, nor his friends. [/quote] Typo! Media not midia.

@Egg
I recently wrote something for my gal Cleopatra (it's at the bottom of her bio in quotes) I'm trying to improve my writing, so honestly, just mess me up. And thank you for doing this! It's really helpful :D

@Egg aaaaaa thank you so much ;v; I fixed the things! I should've proof read more sgovsidgovsgs the media one was stupid of me, i think it's because i often mix things in portuguese with english,,, midia is portuguese and media is english aaa im a dum dum OTL

it's really nice to learn how sentences work n the english language, so i really really really appreciate the help! You are amazing and I'm glad you liked Aster ;v; Thank you so much for your help!! ;v;

@Adaris [b]Overall:[/b] Oh my gosh. This was such a delight to read! Around halfway through the short story I got so immersed in the story that I actually stopped checking for errors and was just reading for the sake of it. You're a wonderful storyteller. I couldn't even tell you were rusty! The story hits all the right emotions—fun and delightful at times, but painfully melancholic at others. Each scene flowed well into the next, and the ending was heartwarming and brilliant. Very well done! In terms of critiques, I only have one, and it's in the beginning half of the story. I noticed that you tended to start your sentences with 'so' and 'then'. If you removed these from the beginning of your sentences, the sentence would still have the same effect. However, you dropped this habit halfway into the story, so I really have no complaints. [b]Details:[/b] [quote]So I dropped through the clouds, cool and intangible, flattened a few trees, and had probably the best time I'd had in about three hundred years.[/quote] I think the sentence would flow more naturally if you switched 'had' and 'probably' around. It's not really a SPaG error, but personal preference, so do with it what you will. [quote]An ugly limbed thing, completely scale- and featherless, with a flat, pushed-in face—maybe it was diseased.[/quote] Changed to 'scaleless and feather-less'. [quote]Then Littlest Beast flapped one paw at me and bares its teeth at me as I retreated into the waves of my lake.[/quote] Typo. 'Bared' not 'bares'.

@crowworm

I think the strongest part of your writing is that you're able to build a narrative and a proper hook to draw the reader in. Not a single sentence in that bio is wasted, so good on you for that! I really like the way you wrote their journey—it almost reminded me of the style of the old fairy tales.

As for things to improve on, your dialogue could use a bit of tweaking. The wording is rather awkward at times. Also, I'm a little confused about why they would take a bite out of the mushroom if they knew it was parasitic.

Other than that, fantastic job! :)