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@Karika Prompt:A lick of frost
The legend was that Leafbare was brought by Winterfrost. Newleaf came with Springflower. Greenleaf was in sync with Summerwind. And Leaffall was brought by Autumnchill. Yearkit didn't believe in all that stuff, though. How could a CAT bring the seasons? After all, what would Springflower do during Autumnchill's time? It was just a bunch of mumbo-jumbo. "Now now, kits, remember not to be awake in the night. You never know when Leafbare will be here." So then, Yearkit had an idea. He would stay up all night, to prove Mother wrong. Time went slow, but around Moonhigh a rustling was heard. Yearkit ventured out to see who it was. And the leaves were being licked by a white cat with icy blue eyes. The cat looked at him, and he saw that the leaves were decorated by frost. Surely this was just some invader. A cold wind rushed through Yearkit's bones. He curled up, afraid, as the cat approached. And so he died, in a lick of frost.

Sky93

0

787

August 11, 2017 17:10:13

@Karika Prompt:A lick of frost
The legend was that Leafbare was brought by Winterfrost. Newleaf came with Springflower. Greenleaf was in sync with Summerwind. And Leaffall was brought by Autumnchill. Yearkit didn't believe in all that stuff, though. How could a CAT bring the seasons? After all, what would Springflower do during Autumnchill's time? It was just a bunch of mumbo-jumbo. "Now now, kits, remember not to be awake in the night. You never know when Leafbare will be here." So then, Yearkit had an idea. He would stay up all night, to prove Mother wrong. Time went slow, but around Moonhigh a rustling was heard. Yearkit ventured out to see who it was. And the leaves were being licked by a white cat with icy blue eyes. The cat looked at him, and he saw that the leaves were decorated by frost. Surely this was just some invader. A cold wind rushed through Yearkit's bones. He curled up, afraid, as the cat approached. And so he died, in a lick of frost.

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@Karika

Warnings: Death

His boots were heavy as he trudged through the thick snow. What was heavier was the unconscious body that hung loosely from his shoulders.
They had come prepared for the climb, with thick jackets, provisions, winter boots, and oxygen masks but they could never have been prepared for the horrors that faced them now.

He remembered it so clearly. It was just after his wedding when they decided that their honeymoon would be somewhere that they've never gone before. He was a journalist who'd travel the world and she was an actress who'd starred in blockbusters in the most unimaginable places. They both agreed that it should be memorable, fun, exciting. Maybe even a little dangerous. She was the one who wanted to climb the mountain and he was up for the thrill. They hired a professional, personal guide and one who'd climbed the mountain numerous times before. It wasn't enough. They were just passing by a small creek to set up camp for the night. They were all weary and exhausted, but she glowed with enthusiasm and cheer, enough to warm them both. The creek seemed like a good place to set up at the time. He went outside to go get a few pictures for his journal while she watched the water. When the earthquake struck, that's where all the snow went. And she was swept up in it.

He remembers her calling his name to save her, and he tried. Oh, he tried but he couldn't. When it stopped, when the rumbling, relentless, thundering noise stopped he searched for her everywhere. And when he found her cold and lifeless, all of her joy and all of her warmth sapped--stolen-- from her, he cradled her. And he gave her his warmth. And he gave her all of his love because that's all he had left to give.

He never imagined to find a heartbeat in her, but he did. She wasn't conscious, and he knew that positively. The guide was nowhere to be found.

So, he traveled through the thick snow with his wife on his back, hoping his love could melt the lick of frost shrouding both of their hearts.

(I usually only write fantasy or war stories, never romance. So this was very new.)

NameChanged334

0

75

80

6487

August 11, 2017 21:36:42

@Karika

Warnings: Death

His boots were heavy as he trudged through the thick snow. What was heavier was the unconscious body that hung loosely from his shoulders.
They had come prepared for the climb, with thick jackets, provisions, winter boots, and oxygen masks but they could never have been prepared for the horrors that faced them now.

He remembered it so clearly. It was just after his wedding when they decided that their honeymoon would be somewhere that they've never gone before. He was a journalist who'd travel the world and she was an actress who'd starred in blockbusters in the most unimaginable places. They both agreed that it should be memorable, fun, exciting. Maybe even a little dangerous. She was the one who wanted to climb the mountain and he was up for the thrill. They hired a professional, personal guide and one who'd climbed the mountain numerous times before. It wasn't enough. They were just passing by a small creek to set up camp for the night. They were all weary and exhausted, but she glowed with enthusiasm and cheer, enough to warm them both. The creek seemed like a good place to set up at the time. He went outside to go get a few pictures for his journal while she watched the water. When the earthquake struck, that's where all the snow went. And she was swept up in it.

He remembers her calling his name to save her, and he tried. Oh, he tried but he couldn't. When it stopped, when the rumbling, relentless, thundering noise stopped he searched for her everywhere. And when he found her cold and lifeless, all of her joy and all of her warmth sapped--stolen-- from her, he cradled her. And he gave her his warmth. And he gave her all of his love because that's all he had left to give.

He never imagined to find a heartbeat in her, but he did. She wasn't conscious, and he knew that positively. The guide was nowhere to be found.

So, he traveled through the thick snow with his wife on his back, hoping his love could melt the lick of frost shrouding both of their hearts.

(I usually only write fantasy or war stories, never romance. So this was very new.)

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(sorry another long one but I hope you like it. )

Chances in the Snow

There is a special mystery to snow. It was frozen water yet ranges from fluffy and soft to heavy and wet. It comes in all sorts of kinds and is both a child's ancient toy and favored playground and the silent monster that even the greatest of men count not slay. In the same gentle embrace that it holds a child as they make snow angels it envelops a grown adult as they breath their last still holding that same white hue. The lands of snow and ice there is both great wonder and great cruelty. It is fitting in many ways that such a place is the setting. After all love and romance is a thing that is both as cruel as it is lovely.

Snow as far as the eye could see heaping on every surface. The sparse trees were laden with it, their boughs sagging with the heavy weight. An icy shield and a careful dusting of snow covered even the swift river. What little found that could be found in the frozen land was hardy and tough to survive in such a harsh land. But to Yuki there was no better home. After all where else would a person with the name of snow be at home but along such friends? She did not bother with the heavy garments that many wore to hide their tender flesh from the harsh winds. Nor did she mark her face with grime and ash to hide from the blazing light reflected upon the snow. No to her this was home. A playground a palace beyond all price. She move with light steps over the frozen land leaving hardly a trace to her passing. Yet she knew every inch of this land as well as one would know the body of their longtime lover. She was at home here. Even if she was a bit lonely. After all as far as she knew she was the only person here for unseen miles. She had no idea that she was now wrong.

"Just a little bit of snow he said. Nothing to worry about he said. Just pack warm and extra food he said. Lovely little vacation spot he said. I wonder what he is going to say when I get my hands on him for getting me into this." Lily growled. "Just a short hike to the fully stocked cabin my sweet little nothing. Unless my clock and compass has frozen which IS possible it has been two hours of hiking and I STILL don't see anything remotely like a cabin." She shivered "And that cold wind goes right through you long johns and snow gear or no long johns and snow gear. If I have any fingers left after this I am going to take my time strangling him." Anger made her feel just a touch warmer. Even if it did precious little else. But it gave her something to do as she kept up moving following the direction of the compass. "There had better be firewood when I get there." She grumbled as she at last sighted something that might possibly be the cabin. "Because those trees don't exactly look close or smart to cut down and I am no lumberjack."

Yuki however was not nearly as upset or worried. After all this was her home. She was moving to gather pine needles to make into a broth. That and some bark as well. She also was going to be exploring another ridge to set out snowshoe hare traps as well as check those she had laid. Meat was a nice treat after all. She soon was on her trap line and had bagged two hares. That was good enough for now and she was not going to lay out more and took up the rest. She hummed as the wind tossed her hair in the cold breeze. The wind contained many secrets and this one came with the hint of wood smoke. Now that was interesting. Who was close enough to light a fire? It was not like it could have started on its own in this land. She soon set out to find out. In a few pleasant hours journey she would know. After all it could not be too far if she could smell it quite so strongly.

Lily on the other hand was not in quite such a cheery mood. She finally had made it to the cabin and lit a fire. She shivered by it as she looked at her meager pickings. Well actually the pickings were decent enough but that assumed you actually knew how to cook them. So far the salted meat was not too horrible. But her attempts at making stew were well creative. Still food was food and she needed it for sure. Waste was not to be done. however she nearly jumped out of her skin when she heard a knock on the door. She answered because she was pretty certain that bears broke down doors rather then knocking.

She was shocked to see what was waiting for her. A women her hair the silver of the stars and eyes the pure green of the pine trees. Her skin was fair and seemed almost angelic. But what startled Lily the most was that she did not seem to be wearing much in the way of warm clothes. Her garments seeming to favor those who would let her move easily. Her hair unbound and tumbled freely in the wing. She seemed to have a pack at least. Lily stared wondering if she was still in the snow and having her final dream. The women smiled "You must be new around here." Her voice was soft yet cut deep like that of the cold wind carrying a load of gentle snow. "I did not know anyone was here. I am Yuki." She offered a fair and Lily took it. "I am Lily." She finally said as she managed to find her voice.

Nothing had prepared her for this. Lily finally managed to find more words then her name. "Are you real? Are you not cold wearing so little?" A gentle laugh and a kind smile was her answer. "Why would I fear my own name? If one becomes a part of the land then the land itself will sustain them. The wind is no hardship the cold a gentle touch of a loved one." Now that sounded a more then a little romantic and more then a lot crazy. Still Lily could not find it in her to argue. "Do you want to come in?" She found herself offering. She was letting a stranger who may be more then a bit mad inside her house. Great survival plan. But if she was going to have her last dream she might as well make it memorable.

Yuki smiled and said "I caught two hares today we can cook one if you want." Her voice a gentle question, a hopeful offer. She entered "So this is what they did with the place. I guess it suits those who think they have to fight the land rather then embrace it." She looked at Lily "However you don't seem like you have chosen to do either. What brings you to these parts?" Lily paused before answering, "An idiot who convinced me this was a good idea who does not seem so dumb right now if this is real rather then a dream."

Yuki laughed again. "You are not dreaming. I am quite real." She reached out and kissed Lily on the cheek. "See quite real." Though judging from the effect of the kiss it might be safe to call it a lethal weapon as it pretty much took the legs right out from Lily and she sagged on the floor staring. "If this is a dream please don't wake me up. Because this is the best I have had in years."

Yuki laughed "Did not convince you then? Yet I don't really go for the pinch and tell way of doing things. So I guess I will have to convince you otherwise." She moved in, took control of the kitchen, and started skinning the rabbit. And just like that Yuki became a part of Lily's life in the snow.

Time passed and winter raged yet even as Lily would want to curse at the harsh land she wanted to sing its praises for sending her Yuki. While Lily seemed to struggle Lily danced her way through things always showing up and lending a hand proving herself real yet hardly leaving a trace behind. The snow hardly even showed her tracks so light was her step. Yet the pull was strong between them and grew stronger in time. Yet Lily could never exactly place where Yuki came from and there was something odd about her. She always seemed somewhat more then human yet like a friend that she had known for a long time.

Time seemed to flow differently out there yet Lily seemed to know only peace and wonder, and love. She would not trade this for anything. After all why would she give up Yuki, the lovely maiden of the snow? The played games and did chores and Lily was shown a world in which she had never guessed existed. She watched the antics of the animals the gentle romance of the land and she felt at home. This felt so right. Perhaps more then she had ever known. It seemed like it would always be that way. Yet it was not to be so. One day a harsh blizzard blew in and not even fair Yuki could make her way through. And once it passed came something else, man.... her 'idiot' had gotten worried and raced his way on snowmobile to her cabin to find Lily find and well tended. He however was worried about her state of mind because she insisted she was fine and that there was another person out there. Yet he knew that there was no other human around for miles. Or at least no living human. He dragged Lily with him refusing to heed her wishes.

Lily finally made her way back to the cabin yet things were different. She was different. It had been many years before she had managed to get back up here in this harsh land and the world had changed. She spent weeks looking out for Yuki but while there were people here now they had not heard of a person like her and kept telling Lily that she must have been delirious. Sometimes your mind played tricks on you when you were alone. It just happened. Yet none of it convinced Lily. Finally she asked an old woman if she knew of a woman named Yuki. She women smiled "Yes I do... I knew her once as well. Or at lest I thought I did" She rocked in her chair. "You see she comes and goes giving her fortune to those who earn her favor. Yet she is a fickle maid as cruel as she is lovely and kind." She slowly got up and moved slowly to point. "She lives in there, in the glade. But whether she is there when you go looking for her no one knows. Nor if she will receive you kindly or with the harshness of the land she was born in. Be careful you might not make it back at all. Because even if you reach her if she is too fond of you she won't let you leave."

Lily was heedless to the warnings and soon was traveling to the glade on foot. A gift with her of a book filled with pressed flowers. She had wanted to come back sooner but she had not been allowed. It was several days trek before she reached the glade yet the journey seemed to come easily when she remembered Yuki. Her steps grew lighter and her body stronger. The wind no longer seemed as cold and she eventually took off her hat. Her hair seemed lighter as it brushed her face. She was at the clearing. And in the center of it was Yuki with open arms. "I waited a long time for you to come lover. Welcome back." Lily's answer was simple "Glad to be home." She would not be returning to the others.

And that was the last anyone heard of Lily. She was assumed dead though no one could find any trace her of. Yet if you stood in certain places you could hear what sounded like the singing and laughing voices of two women. And time upon time one could almost make out their figures that teased the corners of the eyes. Yet they disappeared upon closer looking. Yet no one else met a strange woman named Yuki. But people who had wandered away and had gotten lost snow would swear that they have been saved by a pair of women who called themselves Yuki and Lily who had guided them back to the path home.

Drusha

0

74

177

84

August 11, 2017 22:57:47

(sorry another long one but I hope you like it. )

Chances in the Snow

There is a special mystery to snow. It was frozen water yet ranges from fluffy and soft to heavy and wet. It comes in all sorts of kinds and is both a child's ancient toy and favored playground and the silent monster that even the greatest of men count not slay. In the same gentle embrace that it holds a child as they make snow angels it envelops a grown adult as they breath their last still holding that same white hue. The lands of snow and ice there is both great wonder and great cruelty. It is fitting in many ways that such a place is the setting. After all love and romance is a thing that is both as cruel as it is lovely.

Snow as far as the eye could see heaping on every surface. The sparse trees were laden with it, their boughs sagging with the heavy weight. An icy shield and a careful dusting of snow covered even the swift river. What little found that could be found in the frozen land was hardy and tough to survive in such a harsh land. But to Yuki there was no better home. After all where else would a person with the name of snow be at home but along such friends? She did not bother with the heavy garments that many wore to hide their tender flesh from the harsh winds. Nor did she mark her face with grime and ash to hide from the blazing light reflected upon the snow. No to her this was home. A playground a palace beyond all price. She move with light steps over the frozen land leaving hardly a trace to her passing. Yet she knew every inch of this land as well as one would know the body of their longtime lover. She was at home here. Even if she was a bit lonely. After all as far as she knew she was the only person here for unseen miles. She had no idea that she was now wrong.

"Just a little bit of snow he said. Nothing to worry about he said. Just pack warm and extra food he said. Lovely little vacation spot he said. I wonder what he is going to say when I get my hands on him for getting me into this." Lily growled. "Just a short hike to the fully stocked cabin my sweet little nothing. Unless my clock and compass has frozen which IS possible it has been two hours of hiking and I STILL don't see anything remotely like a cabin." She shivered "And that cold wind goes right through you long johns and snow gear or no long johns and snow gear. If I have any fingers left after this I am going to take my time strangling him." Anger made her feel just a touch warmer. Even if it did precious little else. But it gave her something to do as she kept up moving following the direction of the compass. "There had better be firewood when I get there." She grumbled as she at last sighted something that might possibly be the cabin. "Because those trees don't exactly look close or smart to cut down and I am no lumberjack."

Yuki however was not nearly as upset or worried. After all this was her home. She was moving to gather pine needles to make into a broth. That and some bark as well. She also was going to be exploring another ridge to set out snowshoe hare traps as well as check those she had laid. Meat was a nice treat after all. She soon was on her trap line and had bagged two hares. That was good enough for now and she was not going to lay out more and took up the rest. She hummed as the wind tossed her hair in the cold breeze. The wind contained many secrets and this one came with the hint of wood smoke. Now that was interesting. Who was close enough to light a fire? It was not like it could have started on its own in this land. She soon set out to find out. In a few pleasant hours journey she would know. After all it could not be too far if she could smell it quite so strongly.

Lily on the other hand was not in quite such a cheery mood. She finally had made it to the cabin and lit a fire. She shivered by it as she looked at her meager pickings. Well actually the pickings were decent enough but that assumed you actually knew how to cook them. So far the salted meat was not too horrible. But her attempts at making stew were well creative. Still food was food and she needed it for sure. Waste was not to be done. however she nearly jumped out of her skin when she heard a knock on the door. She answered because she was pretty certain that bears broke down doors rather then knocking.

She was shocked to see what was waiting for her. A women her hair the silver of the stars and eyes the pure green of the pine trees. Her skin was fair and seemed almost angelic. But what startled Lily the most was that she did not seem to be wearing much in the way of warm clothes. Her garments seeming to favor those who would let her move easily. Her hair unbound and tumbled freely in the wing. She seemed to have a pack at least. Lily stared wondering if she was still in the snow and having her final dream. The women smiled "You must be new around here." Her voice was soft yet cut deep like that of the cold wind carrying a load of gentle snow. "I did not know anyone was here. I am Yuki." She offered a fair and Lily took it. "I am Lily." She finally said as she managed to find her voice.

Nothing had prepared her for this. Lily finally managed to find more words then her name. "Are you real? Are you not cold wearing so little?" A gentle laugh and a kind smile was her answer. "Why would I fear my own name? If one becomes a part of the land then the land itself will sustain them. The wind is no hardship the cold a gentle touch of a loved one." Now that sounded a more then a little romantic and more then a lot crazy. Still Lily could not find it in her to argue. "Do you want to come in?" She found herself offering. She was letting a stranger who may be more then a bit mad inside her house. Great survival plan. But if she was going to have her last dream she might as well make it memorable.

Yuki smiled and said "I caught two hares today we can cook one if you want." Her voice a gentle question, a hopeful offer. She entered "So this is what they did with the place. I guess it suits those who think they have to fight the land rather then embrace it." She looked at Lily "However you don't seem like you have chosen to do either. What brings you to these parts?" Lily paused before answering, "An idiot who convinced me this was a good idea who does not seem so dumb right now if this is real rather then a dream."

Yuki laughed again. "You are not dreaming. I am quite real." She reached out and kissed Lily on the cheek. "See quite real." Though judging from the effect of the kiss it might be safe to call it a lethal weapon as it pretty much took the legs right out from Lily and she sagged on the floor staring. "If this is a dream please don't wake me up. Because this is the best I have had in years."

Yuki laughed "Did not convince you then? Yet I don't really go for the pinch and tell way of doing things. So I guess I will have to convince you otherwise." She moved in, took control of the kitchen, and started skinning the rabbit. And just like that Yuki became a part of Lily's life in the snow.

Time passed and winter raged yet even as Lily would want to curse at the harsh land she wanted to sing its praises for sending her Yuki. While Lily seemed to struggle Lily danced her way through things always showing up and lending a hand proving herself real yet hardly leaving a trace behind. The snow hardly even showed her tracks so light was her step. Yet the pull was strong between them and grew stronger in time. Yet Lily could never exactly place where Yuki came from and there was something odd about her. She always seemed somewhat more then human yet like a friend that she had known for a long time.

Time seemed to flow differently out there yet Lily seemed to know only peace and wonder, and love. She would not trade this for anything. After all why would she give up Yuki, the lovely maiden of the snow? The played games and did chores and Lily was shown a world in which she had never guessed existed. She watched the antics of the animals the gentle romance of the land and she felt at home. This felt so right. Perhaps more then she had ever known. It seemed like it would always be that way. Yet it was not to be so. One day a harsh blizzard blew in and not even fair Yuki could make her way through. And once it passed came something else, man.... her 'idiot' had gotten worried and raced his way on snowmobile to her cabin to find Lily find and well tended. He however was worried about her state of mind because she insisted she was fine and that there was another person out there. Yet he knew that there was no other human around for miles. Or at least no living human. He dragged Lily with him refusing to heed her wishes.

Lily finally made her way back to the cabin yet things were different. She was different. It had been many years before she had managed to get back up here in this harsh land and the world had changed. She spent weeks looking out for Yuki but while there were people here now they had not heard of a person like her and kept telling Lily that she must have been delirious. Sometimes your mind played tricks on you when you were alone. It just happened. Yet none of it convinced Lily. Finally she asked an old woman if she knew of a woman named Yuki. She women smiled "Yes I do... I knew her once as well. Or at lest I thought I did" She rocked in her chair. "You see she comes and goes giving her fortune to those who earn her favor. Yet she is a fickle maid as cruel as she is lovely and kind." She slowly got up and moved slowly to point. "She lives in there, in the glade. But whether she is there when you go looking for her no one knows. Nor if she will receive you kindly or with the harshness of the land she was born in. Be careful you might not make it back at all. Because even if you reach her if she is too fond of you she won't let you leave."

Lily was heedless to the warnings and soon was traveling to the glade on foot. A gift with her of a book filled with pressed flowers. She had wanted to come back sooner but she had not been allowed. It was several days trek before she reached the glade yet the journey seemed to come easily when she remembered Yuki. Her steps grew lighter and her body stronger. The wind no longer seemed as cold and she eventually took off her hat. Her hair seemed lighter as it brushed her face. She was at the clearing. And in the center of it was Yuki with open arms. "I waited a long time for you to come lover. Welcome back." Lily's answer was simple "Glad to be home." She would not be returning to the others.

And that was the last anyone heard of Lily. She was assumed dead though no one could find any trace her of. Yet if you stood in certain places you could hear what sounded like the singing and laughing voices of two women. And time upon time one could almost make out their figures that teased the corners of the eyes. Yet they disappeared upon closer looking. Yet no one else met a strange woman named Yuki. But people who had wandered away and had gotten lost snow would swear that they have been saved by a pair of women who called themselves Yuki and Lily who had guided them back to the path home.

Last edited on Aug 12, 2017 12:15:14 by Drusha

Judging in process. Please be patient~
14 entries is a lot to get through and comment on.

Mythantos

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48

376

2962

August 12, 2017 00:31:26

Judging in process. Please be patient~
14 entries is a lot to get through and comment on.

You lot know that these are supposed to be 10 minute sprints, right? They seem to be getting longer and longer…

Anyway, I’m going to give some actual constructive criticism for these, because I feel like it. Sorry, I don’t sugar-coat.

Please note, this is only my opinion. I mean to cause no offence, only aid. But if you want to ignore it, that’s fine too. Everyone has their own style and way of doing things. I just know what I like. (And I’m certainly not qualified to judge with any seriousness).

Besides, there’s always room for improvement, right?

I’m also willing to help people improve if they want to PM me about it later.

Here we go:

@ladylilitu
I actually find this well written, enough so that it triggers a couple of my personal demons. I did enjoy it once I read it through the second time however. I think it’s a good glimpse into the mind of someone who is suffering. There’s a couple of small things I’d note though.

The repetition of the word ‘window’ in the first sentence throws me off a little, straight off the bat. You could try something like “as I turn away from it.” Since we already know you’re talking about the window. You do the same with the word ‘tongue’ in the last sentence of the third paragraph.

With the last sentence in the first paragraph, I feel it might flow better if you said “I stare at the ceiling” and then go on to describe it?

@Reiyn
This was a very dark story, and from your build up I had not expected that ending at all. It was rather abrupt, and startled me somewhat. But I liked how you portrayed the dragon’s personality. That was well done.

Firstly, this would have been easier to read if it hadn’t been centred and if you put a line between the paragraphs so that it wasn’t so bunched~

You mention Sam’s name a lot, and it breaks the flow of the story a bit. Also your sentences are short and clipped. Maybe try to make them flow into each other a bit more, so that the reader doesn’t feel like they’re rushing through the whole thing. Alternating long and short sentences can add better effect.

You contradict yourself a little in the second paragraph where you say “a lick of frost climbs up the stone walls” but then “she huddles against the warm wall.” Also, “with the large egg cocooned within her body” – is ‘within’ the right word there? It sounds as if she’s cut a hole and actually put it inside her stomach or something.

I don’t want to pick your story to pieces. It has potential, and I would actually enjoy reading a larger portion of it, if you were to add onto it, but it does need a bit of editing.

@TidalMoonrise
I liked the way this ended. Immortal beings that crave death feels like the way things would actually be, if immortality was real. Your story feels post-apocalyptic, and it makes me wonder what it would be like to live in that world.

You have one too many “and the” in that first sentence. “ashes, stone dust and salt” would be better. “seems a lake” throws me a little. Does it appear to be a lake of crystal? It’s a little like slang.

“but I wondered, ---, how much of our soul had they left in us” might work better as ‘they had’, or put a question mark at the end.

The boy’s eyes were full of vitality but then he died soon after? This confused me. Maybe vitality was not the word you wanted? I don’t see anything full of vitality being on the edge of death.

“could see his eyes go dark” might flow better as ‘I saw his eyes –‘

@humanityxpeople
Dogs in a story equal instant warmth in my heart. You’ve got me there. I like the way you describe things, especially in that first sentence. It paints a gorgeous picture. The fact that the dog is old and on his last years makes me sad though. All up, it’s not bad. A little jerky in places, but not bad.

I feel like some of your commas could be replaced by ‘and’ to make it flow smoother. “I looked at the little farmhouse that waited for me every year and noticed the lights in the downstairs living room.” For example.

“Snow was beginning to fall on the snow that I would soon step in when I got out of the car.” Is a bit of a weird sentence that makes me have to really think about it before I get its meaning.

@Mypilot
I love how I gave you a prompt about the winter and you write mainly about the burning heat. I love that there’s a clear border between the heat and the cold, no in between. But I’m confused to how your character got into the cold. Is there more to this story? Did someone help them across? Why am I left with questions that I have no answer? It frustrates me.

“bear heels” – I think you mean ‘bare’.

I had a hard time finding something to critique. It could be improved, but not by anything I could form into words. Well done.

@Chrisondra
Dragons make for a good story, but this one seemed somehow empty, also, because there are so many questions left unanswered. It feels like you’ve given me an excerpt from a story without any context. Why can Whisper’s sister never know? How does she know that the human’s family is all buried? Why couldn’t they have just not been with her? Does Whisper simply touching the girl give the human some of her essence?

It has so much potential, if I knew more of the story.

You also change tense in a weird way between the first and second paragraph. I can see how you meant it to work, but it doesn’t flow properly. Maybe if you left off the “But”? I’m not sure, honestly.

“white cloak, likely polar bear” made me think for a moment that Whisper was approaching an actual bear.

@riseandshine
I like the way that this is written, the way that you form your sentences and paragraphs. I enjoyed reading it, but I’m not sure I understand what it’s about. Is there more to the story? Why does he kill his father? What is it that turned his mother to Ice? So many questions.
It’s well written, just a confusing subject.

@Kesler
I like the way that you break up a poem between paragraphs. It’s a very cool technique. You have a couple of spelling and punctuation errors in your work, but we all do that at times so it’s no big deal. I like how you’ve set your character to be the one on the outside looking/listening in. I don’t think that’s done as much as the other way, with people looking out of windows.

I like the idea of what you have there. The part about time passing in the manor, I feel would be better as an introduction, in the first paragraph? Simply because it changes the perspective, and then switches back. It would make sense as an introduction, but is a little out of place when it’s in the middle of the rest.

@Kiradog234
I do really like stories about wolves, and yours has some potential. Your paragraphs could stand to be broken up somewhat, however. There’s a lot of text in a small space. Spreading it out more would both make it look better, and improve ease of reading.

A few spelling errors here and there. No big deal, but probably could have been caught if you read through again?

The emphasis you put on the word ‘snap’ is good, and a nice way to break up the tension (or add to it).

I’d like to know why the pack is hunting her. It’s not really normal wolf behaviour. Is there something supernatural about these wolves that makes them act differently? Why do they go to such lengths to make sure that they get her?

@PixieKnight3264
I really like how you’ve given two very different perspectives on how these people view the winter, one happy for it and the other not at all. That you started off with the darker one and then worked to the lighter one made it feel as if I was coming in from the cold to warm myself by a fire.

In the second perspective, the use of “go off” and then “shut off” so soon after breaks the flow of things a little. It might work better if one was changed? Maybe, “the alarm began to sound”?

I can’t find much to criticise with this. It’s well done.

@demonslayr62
Not bad. A lot of your description is well done, though some of your sentences could be broken up a little. Quentin seems like an interesting character, and I’m curious to know what it is that they’re looking for.

“Where she pointed was what appeared to be a crevice in the ground” – this sort of thing could benefit from rephrasing a bit. Something like “She pointed to what appeared to be a crevice in the ground.” There’re several similar instances throughout.

@Sky93
I’m assuming this is inspired by Warriors? I do rather like that series. I really like the thought of a cat bringing the seasons. It actually reminds me of the fairies in the Tinkerbell movies who paint the leaves and such.

I suggest breaking up the text so it’s not just one big paragraph though, and put the speech of the mother cat on its own line.

The ending is very sudden and odd. Did Yearkit die of fright? Why? Did the other cat kill him? It’s not really what I was expecting, and there was no hint that there was true danger in him seeing the cat.

I did like the rest of the story, however.

@Everyone
This is a good story, if somewhat heartbreaking. I really like the way you ended it by giving the reader a small ray of hope for the couple.

I think this would have been better without the italic text, even though it’s a memory. You make it clear enough that the italics aren’t really needed in this case. I think the second paragraph could be broken in two, and halfway through it you switch your tense to present.

“They were just passing by a small creek to set up camp for the night.” – This sentence doesn’t really make sense. Were they looking for a place to set up camp for the night? Or…

@Drusha
This was indeed very long.

I like the idea of the story, which reminds me of those tails of the travellers who have been led astray of some mythical creature or another.

You have written it somewhat poetically, which is nice, but I feel like the words aren’t connecting smoothly to form the imagery that you had in mind. A lot of the sentences run on and should probably be broken up a bit.

This sentence, for example. “What little found that could be found in the frozen land was hardy and tough to elk out a living in such a land.” I can see what you’re trying to say, but the words make little sense when strung together.

The paragraphs would definitely benefit from being broken up, especially having the speech separated into its own line for each time it switches characters.

There’s several spelling errors and such that I feel like you probably could have caught if you’d re-read before posting?

At the start of the story it sounded like Yuki was the one in the cabin and Lily was the one searching for some place to rest, but then Lily was suddenly in a home and Yuki was knocking on her door? I’ll be honest, I’m very confused. It’s also hard to tell who is saying what.

----

Okay, so that took me about 2 hours to read through and critique. Sorry if you find my words too harsh. Feel free to ignore, and or give me a taste of my own medicine when it’s your turn to judge, because I certainly need to improve, also.

And now that I’ve come to the end of my novel of a post… The results:

Winner: Kesler – could use some editing, but I really liked the idea of this.

Runner up: ladylilitu – You did a great job of capturing the emotions involved in a thought process like this.

Yeah. That about does it. Good job everyone. It was hard picking my favourites. I’ll go back to my corner now.

Mythantos

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August 12, 2017 02:51:04

You lot know that these are supposed to be 10 minute sprints, right? They seem to be getting longer and longer…

Anyway, I’m going to give some actual constructive criticism for these, because I feel like it. Sorry, I don’t sugar-coat.

Please note, this is only my opinion. I mean to cause no offence, only aid. But if you want to ignore it, that’s fine too. Everyone has their own style and way of doing things. I just know what I like. (And I’m certainly not qualified to judge with any seriousness).

Besides, there’s always room for improvement, right?

I’m also willing to help people improve if they want to PM me about it later.

Here we go:

@ladylilitu
I actually find this well written, enough so that it triggers a couple of my personal demons. I did enjoy it once I read it through the second time however. I think it’s a good glimpse into the mind of someone who is suffering. There’s a couple of small things I’d note though.

The repetition of the word ‘window’ in the first sentence throws me off a little, straight off the bat. You could try something like “as I turn away from it.” Since we already know you’re talking about the window. You do the same with the word ‘tongue’ in the last sentence of the third paragraph.

With the last sentence in the first paragraph, I feel it might flow better if you said “I stare at the ceiling” and then go on to describe it?

@Reiyn
This was a very dark story, and from your build up I had not expected that ending at all. It was rather abrupt, and startled me somewhat. But I liked how you portrayed the dragon’s personality. That was well done.

Firstly, this would have been easier to read if it hadn’t been centred and if you put a line between the paragraphs so that it wasn’t so bunched~

You mention Sam’s name a lot, and it breaks the flow of the story a bit. Also your sentences are short and clipped. Maybe try to make them flow into each other a bit more, so that the reader doesn’t feel like they’re rushing through the whole thing. Alternating long and short sentences can add better effect.

You contradict yourself a little in the second paragraph where you say “a lick of frost climbs up the stone walls” but then “she huddles against the warm wall.” Also, “with the large egg cocooned within her body” – is ‘within’ the right word there? It sounds as if she’s cut a hole and actually put it inside her stomach or something.

I don’t want to pick your story to pieces. It has potential, and I would actually enjoy reading a larger portion of it, if you were to add onto it, but it does need a bit of editing.

@TidalMoonrise
I liked the way this ended. Immortal beings that crave death feels like the way things would actually be, if immortality was real. Your story feels post-apocalyptic, and it makes me wonder what it would be like to live in that world.

You have one too many “and the” in that first sentence. “ashes, stone dust and salt” would be better. “seems a lake” throws me a little. Does it appear to be a lake of crystal? It’s a little like slang.

“but I wondered, ---, how much of our soul had they left in us” might work better as ‘they had’, or put a question mark at the end.

The boy’s eyes were full of vitality but then he died soon after? This confused me. Maybe vitality was not the word you wanted? I don’t see anything full of vitality being on the edge of death.

“could see his eyes go dark” might flow better as ‘I saw his eyes –‘

@humanityxpeople
Dogs in a story equal instant warmth in my heart. You’ve got me there. I like the way you describe things, especially in that first sentence. It paints a gorgeous picture. The fact that the dog is old and on his last years makes me sad though. All up, it’s not bad. A little jerky in places, but not bad.

I feel like some of your commas could be replaced by ‘and’ to make it flow smoother. “I looked at the little farmhouse that waited for me every year and noticed the lights in the downstairs living room.” For example.

“Snow was beginning to fall on the snow that I would soon step in when I got out of the car.” Is a bit of a weird sentence that makes me have to really think about it before I get its meaning.

@Mypilot
I love how I gave you a prompt about the winter and you write mainly about the burning heat. I love that there’s a clear border between the heat and the cold, no in between. But I’m confused to how your character got into the cold. Is there more to this story? Did someone help them across? Why am I left with questions that I have no answer? It frustrates me.

“bear heels” – I think you mean ‘bare’.

I had a hard time finding something to critique. It could be improved, but not by anything I could form into words. Well done.

@Chrisondra
Dragons make for a good story, but this one seemed somehow empty, also, because there are so many questions left unanswered. It feels like you’ve given me an excerpt from a story without any context. Why can Whisper’s sister never know? How does she know that the human’s family is all buried? Why couldn’t they have just not been with her? Does Whisper simply touching the girl give the human some of her essence?

It has so much potential, if I knew more of the story.

You also change tense in a weird way between the first and second paragraph. I can see how you meant it to work, but it doesn’t flow properly. Maybe if you left off the “But”? I’m not sure, honestly.

“white cloak, likely polar bear” made me think for a moment that Whisper was approaching an actual bear.

@riseandshine
I like the way that this is written, the way that you form your sentences and paragraphs. I enjoyed reading it, but I’m not sure I understand what it’s about. Is there more to the story? Why does he kill his father? What is it that turned his mother to Ice? So many questions.
It’s well written, just a confusing subject.

@Kesler
I like the way that you break up a poem between paragraphs. It’s a very cool technique. You have a couple of spelling and punctuation errors in your work, but we all do that at times so it’s no big deal. I like how you’ve set your character to be the one on the outside looking/listening in. I don’t think that’s done as much as the other way, with people looking out of windows.

I like the idea of what you have there. The part about time passing in the manor, I feel would be better as an introduction, in the first paragraph? Simply because it changes the perspective, and then switches back. It would make sense as an introduction, but is a little out of place when it’s in the middle of the rest.

@Kiradog234
I do really like stories about wolves, and yours has some potential. Your paragraphs could stand to be broken up somewhat, however. There’s a lot of text in a small space. Spreading it out more would both make it look better, and improve ease of reading.

A few spelling errors here and there. No big deal, but probably could have been caught if you read through again?

The emphasis you put on the word ‘snap’ is good, and a nice way to break up the tension (or add to it).

I’d like to know why the pack is hunting her. It’s not really normal wolf behaviour. Is there something supernatural about these wolves that makes them act differently? Why do they go to such lengths to make sure that they get her?

@PixieKnight3264
I really like how you’ve given two very different perspectives on how these people view the winter, one happy for it and the other not at all. That you started off with the darker one and then worked to the lighter one made it feel as if I was coming in from the cold to warm myself by a fire.

In the second perspective, the use of “go off” and then “shut off” so soon after breaks the flow of things a little. It might work better if one was changed? Maybe, “the alarm began to sound”?

I can’t find much to criticise with this. It’s well done.

@demonslayr62
Not bad. A lot of your description is well done, though some of your sentences could be broken up a little. Quentin seems like an interesting character, and I’m curious to know what it is that they’re looking for.

“Where she pointed was what appeared to be a crevice in the ground” – this sort of thing could benefit from rephrasing a bit. Something like “She pointed to what appeared to be a crevice in the ground.” There’re several similar instances throughout.

@Sky93
I’m assuming this is inspired by Warriors? I do rather like that series. I really like the thought of a cat bringing the seasons. It actually reminds me of the fairies in the Tinkerbell movies who paint the leaves and such.

I suggest breaking up the text so it’s not just one big paragraph though, and put the speech of the mother cat on its own line.

The ending is very sudden and odd. Did Yearkit die of fright? Why? Did the other cat kill him? It’s not really what I was expecting, and there was no hint that there was true danger in him seeing the cat.

I did like the rest of the story, however.

@Everyone
This is a good story, if somewhat heartbreaking. I really like the way you ended it by giving the reader a small ray of hope for the couple.

I think this would have been better without the italic text, even though it’s a memory. You make it clear enough that the italics aren’t really needed in this case. I think the second paragraph could be broken in two, and halfway through it you switch your tense to present.

“They were just passing by a small creek to set up camp for the night.” – This sentence doesn’t really make sense. Were they looking for a place to set up camp for the night? Or…

@Drusha
This was indeed very long.

I like the idea of the story, which reminds me of those tails of the travellers who have been led astray of some mythical creature or another.

You have written it somewhat poetically, which is nice, but I feel like the words aren’t connecting smoothly to form the imagery that you had in mind. A lot of the sentences run on and should probably be broken up a bit.

This sentence, for example. “What little found that could be found in the frozen land was hardy and tough to elk out a living in such a land.” I can see what you’re trying to say, but the words make little sense when strung together.

The paragraphs would definitely benefit from being broken up, especially having the speech separated into its own line for each time it switches characters.

There’s several spelling errors and such that I feel like you probably could have caught if you’d re-read before posting?

At the start of the story it sounded like Yuki was the one in the cabin and Lily was the one searching for some place to rest, but then Lily was suddenly in a home and Yuki was knocking on her door? I’ll be honest, I’m very confused. It’s also hard to tell who is saying what.

----

Okay, so that took me about 2 hours to read through and critique. Sorry if you find my words too harsh. Feel free to ignore, and or give me a taste of my own medicine when it’s your turn to judge, because I certainly need to improve, also.

And now that I’ve come to the end of my novel of a post… The results:

Winner: Kesler – could use some editing, but I really liked the idea of this.

Runner up: ladylilitu – You did a great job of capturing the emotions involved in a thought process like this.

Yeah. That about does it. Good job everyone. It was hard picking my favourites. I’ll go back to my corner now.

@Karika thanks for the feedback! I know my sentence structure could use a lot of work, which is why I went back and re-edited that post about a dozen times to make it flow better. Thank you for pointing out the mistakes I missed and I'm glad you're enjoying Quentin. Probably won't be bringing him back for a while as I'm still working him out.

demonslayr62

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August 12, 2017 05:06:22

@Karika thanks for the feedback! I know my sentence structure could use a lot of work, which is why I went back and re-edited that post about a dozen times to make it flow better. Thank you for pointing out the mistakes I missed and I'm glad you're enjoying Quentin. Probably won't be bringing him back for a while as I'm still working him out.

@Karika it was of cold, he is a kit after all. Yes, it is a sort of Warriors fanfic thing, and thanks for the feedback!

Sky93

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August 12, 2017 06:10:08

@Karika it was of cold, he is a kit after all. Yes, it is a sort of Warriors fanfic thing, and thanks for the feedback!

Heyo, I am Sky! I'm 2 hours ahead of FR time.
Click \/ to get to my wishlist.
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To Yuki anywhere in the land is her home. It is not just the house. Sorry I did not reread it because I was trying to finish it at midnight my time. If I was more awake I would have caught a few of those things. Nice tips will work on them.... at least some of them. of course writing so late when I got up at 6 am might not have been the best idea.... but I had to finish it. @karita thanks anyways. Honestly you give pretty detailed and good criticizem. I like it. Don't feel bad about that. Would love you looking over them like that every time you judge. Though your guess was actually correct. I was basing Yuki on the snow women. I just did not want to go out and saying it. Maybe I will try italics for speech? or something. Will play with my rewording as well.

Drusha

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August 12, 2017 09:52:26

To Yuki anywhere in the land is her home. It is not just the house. Sorry I did not reread it because I was trying to finish it at midnight my time. If I was more awake I would have caught a few of those things. Nice tips will work on them.... at least some of them. of course writing so late when I got up at 6 am might not have been the best idea.... but I had to finish it. @karita thanks anyways. Honestly you give pretty detailed and good criticizem. I like it. Don't feel bad about that. Would love you looking over them like that every time you judge. Though your guess was actually correct. I was basing Yuki on the snow women. I just did not want to go out and saying it. Maybe I will try italics for speech? or something. Will play with my rewording as well.

Last edited on Aug 12, 2017 12:16:27 by Drusha

@Karika

I always seem to forget to reread my pieces! I went back over it and sorted some things that you brought up. Thank you for the criticism! It was much appreciated

Kiradog234

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August 12, 2017 10:45:46

@Karika

I always seem to forget to reread my pieces! I went back over it and sorted some things that you brought up. Thank you for the criticism! It was much appreciated

@Karika I appreciate this critique a lot. Also, I appreciate your compliment about description. :)

I've had multiple people tell me that I have awkward sentence structure, and I should get in the habit of reading my stuff out loud to try and combat some of that. I knew some of the sentences were a little wonky since I wasn't sure how to phrase them, but I got lazy and didn't bother to read through it.

Jerkiness is something I've noticed on my own by reading past works. I want to have that kind of smooth flow all the way (or most of the way) through style (something similar to Pilot's who I think has a really good flow about their work).

hume

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August 12, 2017 11:21:36

@Karika I appreciate this critique a lot. Also, I appreciate your compliment about description. :)

I've had multiple people tell me that I have awkward sentence structure, and I should get in the habit of reading my stuff out loud to try and combat some of that. I knew some of the sentences were a little wonky since I wasn't sure how to phrase them, but I got lazy and didn't bother to read through it.

Jerkiness is something I've noticed on my own by reading past works. I want to have that kind of smooth flow all the way (or most of the way) through style (something similar to Pilot's who I think has a really good flow about their work).