General Discussion

@zipcat
it's okay to be questioning; many people stay in the questioning phase for years before they figure out which labels suit them best, and even then, labels can change. if you don't feel like any labels are right for you right now, that's fine!
I'm asexual and nonbinary, and thought for the longest time that I was just not a girly-girl, so I can relate. it took me a long time to find my flags. I have some advice I can give:

• asexuality is a spectrum. you can be repulsed asexual (be grossed out by the thought of naughties), neutral asexual (don't care one way or the other), high drive asexual (gets in the mood for naughties but doesn't feel attracted to people in that way), demisexual (only attracted after you already have a strong emotional connection), or a variety of options in between that I don't know the names for. there's also something called a 'gray ace' which I must admit I don't fully understand since I never felt like that label suits me.
• similarly, aromanticism is also a spectrum and is something entirely separate from asexuality; you can be asexual but not aromantic, or aromantic but not asexual, and it's really difficult to tell romantic attraction apart from platonic feelings sometimes so this is very difficult to figure out. take your time; there's no rush and it doesn't matter if you never land on a label!
• attraction is weird! there are several types of attraction; the main four are sexual, romantic, platonic, and aesthetic. there are a lot of good resources out there to explain how this works, I mostly just want to note that they are different types of attraction and any person may feel any of the four towards anyone. for example, I don't feel sexual attraction and only feel romantically attracted to my partner, I feel platonic attraction towards several of my friends, and I can appreciate how nice someone looks even if they aren't my type but don't really feel aesthetic attraction otherwise.
• I recommend reading the webcomic Aces Wild by Sally Vinter for more basic information about asexuality and a decent jumping off point to start your research. WARNING: it contains not-safe-for-FR topics, humor, and some imagery. it's very respectful and not nearly as bad as something you'd see in a good biology textbook, but I still have to put a warning here in case you are reading this in public.
• also, this is going to sound very dumb, but, if you feel you are ready to explore naughty topics in fiction, I recommend you read some mildly naughty fanfiction if you are in a position where it is safe to do so (in other words; not in public and not when your friends or family can walk in at any moment). be sure to always read the tags ahead of time, and if something makes you uncomfortable, click away right away, taking care of yourself is more important than curiosity. why do I think this will work? because fiction gives a safe avenue to explore whether naughty topics do anything for you at all, be it positive, negative, or otherwise. it worked for me, I discovered through reading naughty fanfiction that I didn't really care for any of the topics and didn't like seeing imagery but was able to read them if I was expecting them ahead of time, which later allowed me to safely read A Song Of Ice And Fire without upsetting myself. basically, fanfiction helped me find out that I'm a neutral and mildly-repulsed ace.

as for gender...

• gender is also a spectrum, and 'nonbinary' is really just an umbrella term for not strictly male nor strictly female. there are many, many labels out there, and it's honestly just a matter of finding the one(s) that suit you best. this can take a very long time! don't worry if you can't find one that suits you. when in doubt, umbrella terms are always there to give you something to stand with.
• also, there's labels for feeling like you aren't always the same gender! the main one is "genderfluid" but there are others as well.
• a more specific recommendation: if you feel like you are girl-adjacent, you might want to look into the label "demigirl". the prefix 'demi-' is derived from Greek and means 'half' or 'partial'; the prefix 'semi' as in 'semicircle' has the same root. basically, a 'demigirl' is someone who is close to being a girl but not quite a girl.
• pronouns =/= gender. I use she/her even though I usually present neutrally and sometimes feel and present more masculine. if you feel comfortable with your current pronouns, stick with them.

long explanation short, it's perfectly fine to be questioning, do some research, do a lot of soul searching, and take your time to figure yourself out. don't worry if your labels change over time, that is perfectly normal, too. I hope this long explanation gave you some jumping off points to start looking into things!

louckykoneko said pretty much everything i was going to, but much more articulately haha! basically yes, it is 100% okay to be questioning and both gender and sexuality are wide spectrums. your identity may change and evolve over time and that is a-okay! what matters is that you are happy and comfortable with what you call yourself.

edit: a bit about my journey - i thought i was a lesbian at first, then i identified as bi for many many years, before realizing that i was onto something the first time around and lesbian is truly how i identify. i thought i wasn't ace at all, but about two or so years ago i started realizing that i'm probably somewhere on the ace spectrum and now identify as gray-ace. my gender identity has fluctuated greatly! i've identified as cis, nonbinary, genderfluid, bigender, demigirl, trans, and pangender at different points throughout my life. these days what i know for sure is that i'm not cis and i'm nonbinary in some way - i usually ID simply as nonbinary or trans, but genderfluid pangender might be the most exact label for me. even then, i'm not entirely positive! my identity might keep changing over time and that's alright.

Genuine question: I’m a cis woman, but I am comfortable with she/they pronouns. Would that be considered a contradiction or no?

[quote name="DragonsOfLegend" date="2024-03-26 22:36:20" ] Genuine question: I’m a cis woman, but I am comfortable with she/they pronouns. Would that be considered a contradiction or no? [/quote] seconding this question-- I've been in the same dilemma for a few days now... I have noticed I'm comfortable with they/them, too, but would it be too weird to have pronouns just because it feels comfy? i know gender doesnt equal pronouns but yknow still

@DragonsOfLegend, @colorscapes

Not at all! If you're comfortable with the label of cis woman, your pronouns don't mean you have to rethink that. I think it's great that you're discovering more about what pronouns you're comfortable with even though you're cis--it's a step not a lot of people take, but it's really healthy.

I also think the larger deal of 'gender label' preference has something to do with how you're viewed by others who don't know you, or presentation. If you want to be called they because you want to be seen as androgynous or more masc, it might be a good idea to experiment a bit. But I can't emphasize enough that the labels you choose are only tools to introduce you and your experience to others. If you want something as vague as 'gender nonconforming' or more hyperspecific, it boils down to what your idea is, and it's probably gonna change if you find out more about yourself. That's one of the big reasons I chose Genderqueer--it's so nonspecific that anyone hearing it might tilt their head and go "hm, that doesn't tell me much", so it opens the door for more discussion. And even then I'm thinking about changing it as I'm figuring out more about my experience

I hope this helps <3 gender can be weird and confusing, but you don't have to speedrun your identity. No need for everything to change because a new pronoun gave you euphoria/didn't give you dysphoria unless you feel it's right. It's totally natural and I have a few cis friends who are fine with they/them. If they decide later that it's something more, I trust that they'll tell me if/when they figure it out

[quote name="CinnamonThief" date="2024-03-06 02:29:03" ] Got a general question I've been curious about. When you play games do you feel your orientation affects your choices (ex. gender of protagonist you prefer, which people you date) and is this something that happened even before you realised you were LGBT+? [/quote] to be honest?? a lot of things would be obvious about me to the outside observer if they would peek into my old saves in the sims games, haha.

@CanofOof348 I see! Thank you for telling me! To be honest, I’m still learning about aspects of the Alphabet Soup community. Heck, I only found out about the Asexual and Aromantic labels when I was in college! So when it comes to gender identity and pronouns, I’m still trying to wrap my little lady lizard brain around it. [emoji=guardian tongue size=1]

[quote name="colorscapes" date="2024-03-26 22:43:51" ] [quote name="DragonsOfLegend" date="2024-03-26 22:36:20" ] Genuine question: I’m a cis woman, but I am comfortable with she/they pronouns. Would that be considered a contradiction or no? [/quote] seconding this question-- I've been in the same dilemma for a few days now... I have noticed I'm comfortable with they/them, too, but would it be too weird to have pronouns just because it feels comfy? i know gender doesnt equal pronouns but yknow still [/quote] We don't personally see it as contradictory at all. People, cis or not, should use whatever pronouns they like. We've known cis women who've used he/him and cis men who've used she/her, usually when they're part of the butch lesbian or femme gay parts of the community, but sometimes just because they feel like it. The rules are fake and the points don't matter, do what you want. - V.

[quote name="colorscapes" date="2024-03-26 22:43:51" ] [quote name="DragonsOfLegend" date="2024-03-26 22:36:20" ] Genuine question: I’m a cis woman, but I am comfortable with she/they pronouns. Would that be considered a contradiction or no? [/quote] seconding this question-- I've been in the same dilemma for a few days now... I have noticed I'm comfortable with they/them, too, but would it be too weird to have pronouns just because it feels comfy? i know gender doesnt equal pronouns but yknow still [/quote] i don't think that's a contradiction, like colorscapes said gender doesn't equal pronouns! i know a few she/they people who identify as cis women. labels are labels, they're helpful to some people and you can use them how you wish! i'm nonbinary and some nb people identify as trans as well, but i personally don't, and that's fine. whatever! do whatever you want! try they/them for a bit and see how it feels for you! mess around with other labels if you think they might fit! you are you and the point of pronouns and labels is to feel comfortable with who you are