Thanks for making this thread, @
AlpineHell! It's kind of reassuring to know I'm not alone on FR, but at the same time it really sucks just how many of us went through this :(
I'm an ACoN, mother descended from a psycopath, brought a lot of that to the table...I'm still not 100% where she sits between "psycopathy" and "clinical narcissism," though there's enough overlap (and she's far enough out of my life) that the distinction's not too important. Father was an angry doormat. I don't want to go bringing back anyone else's bad memories with stories, but I do want to say:
1. You can remove these people from your life, no matter how important to you they tell you they are.
2.
It feels ******* fantastic
Thanks for making this thread, @
AlpineHell! It's kind of reassuring to know I'm not alone on FR, but at the same time it really sucks just how many of us went through this :(
I'm an ACoN, mother descended from a psycopath, brought a lot of that to the table...I'm still not 100% where she sits between "psycopathy" and "clinical narcissism," though there's enough overlap (and she's far enough out of my life) that the distinction's not too important. Father was an angry doormat. I don't want to go bringing back anyone else's bad memories with stories, but I do want to say:
1. You can remove these people from your life, no matter how important to you they tell you they are.
2.
It feels ******* fantastic
WOW this got a few responses ;;
@
Toasted Ack, i'm sorry to hear about that, and Very much congrats to you for getting treatment now :3 hugs and good luck to you!
@
Dessoestma Ah, you and I have very similar stories here :P the Narc in my life is my mom as well, and she has the worst attitude I've seen in anyone irl, keeps/hides/steals things from me and the whole 9 yards. Conveniently "forgets" or claims that I'm lying about things that have actually happened if they relate to my mental health/episodes/bad experiences in the past. Can't take criticism for the life of her. >:U
@
derpyhooves101 Good on ya for breaking off the vicious cycle! Now the challenge of keeping him from trying to break the silence begins, as with any N. I wish you good luck :) (and dang, there are so many narc kids coming out of the woodwork lately. worried about it.)
@
Lesley That sounds like a real nightmare, and you've got every right to be angry with the school for being so dang negligent... Maybe he was misdiagnosed or had parents that didnt give much of a care to do any different? o:
@
Jua It could apply to both, i suppose o: the group on Reddit uses "narcissist" to describe folks who act crappy but might not have an official diagnosis to explain their behavior. I honestly totally forgot about actual bonafide NPD;; whoops!
WOW this got a few responses ;;
@
Toasted Ack, i'm sorry to hear about that, and Very much congrats to you for getting treatment now :3 hugs and good luck to you!
@
Dessoestma Ah, you and I have very similar stories here :P the Narc in my life is my mom as well, and she has the worst attitude I've seen in anyone irl, keeps/hides/steals things from me and the whole 9 yards. Conveniently "forgets" or claims that I'm lying about things that have actually happened if they relate to my mental health/episodes/bad experiences in the past. Can't take criticism for the life of her. >:U
@
derpyhooves101 Good on ya for breaking off the vicious cycle! Now the challenge of keeping him from trying to break the silence begins, as with any N. I wish you good luck :) (and dang, there are so many narc kids coming out of the woodwork lately. worried about it.)
@
Lesley That sounds like a real nightmare, and you've got every right to be angry with the school for being so dang negligent... Maybe he was misdiagnosed or had parents that didnt give much of a care to do any different? o:
@
Jua It could apply to both, i suppose o: the group on Reddit uses "narcissist" to describe folks who act crappy but might not have an official diagnosis to explain their behavior. I honestly totally forgot about actual bonafide NPD;; whoops!
@
AlpineHell thanks! and yea, i am worried that the future generations are going to drive themselves to war with their behavior :T
@
AlpineHell thanks! and yea, i am worried that the future generations are going to drive themselves to war with their behavior :T
I had made this on 7/11/2015
I obviously, do not edit this very often :P
https://discord.gg/nG5Ah4KpVR Please come and join us!
@
Jua
Wow, that sounds so similar to my last (albeit only a year-long, and long-distance) relationship! We even had a similar age difference (he was only 28 though). Really shocked me how he could seem so sweet at the beginning but turn so toxic over time. I got out of the relationship last July, when he basically stopped talking to me for good after several weeks of torturing on-off silent treatment. In any case, I truly wish you strength and a swift recovery.
@
Jua
Wow, that sounds so similar to my last (albeit only a year-long, and long-distance) relationship! We even had a similar age difference (he was only 28 though). Really shocked me how he could seem so sweet at the beginning but turn so toxic over time. I got out of the relationship last July, when he basically stopped talking to me for good after several weeks of torturing on-off silent treatment. In any case, I truly wish you strength and a swift recovery.
(Sorry if I ramble or if this post is super long. I don't have anyone to talk to about this, so...)
TW for emotional abuse, violence, and animal abuse.
I'm like 100% sure that my brother-in-law has NPD. His personality just fits the description/symptoms of it so well that I'd be surprised if he didn't. On top of that, he's a pretty violent person when he's angry, and he is almost ALWAYS angry. I'm pretty sure his dad has it, too, as he is very emotionally abusive/manipulative and thought everyone in his household should do everything for him. He literally wouldn't eat at all if someone didn't make his food for him.
I had to live with my in-laws for about a year when my husband and I lost our apartment a few years ago because we just couldn't afford it. They were the absolute last people we wanted to live with, because last time we lived with them we had to move in with my husband's grandparents because of the problems we had with his father. But unfortunately my mom has a super tiny house, and my dad already had my brother and his family moving in. My in-laws were the only people who had any room for us. Things seemed to go relatively okay at first. My husband and I had just decided to avoid his father to try to minimize drama. But things quickly spiraled downhill with the rest of the family, and I still have no idea why.
The more time that went by, the worse things got. My brother-in-law wanted us out of *his* house (his own words), and he was always convinced that we were talking bad about him behind his back. Well, yeah, if you call talking about all the bad sh*t you did to us "talking bad about you". He would throw our cats outside (they were indoor only, 2 of them were terrified of being outside). He would use the excuse that his boyfriend was allergic to cats, but his boyfriend didn't live with us and he had never shown signs of allergies all the times he'd been there. I know he was just hoping they would run away. He stole our kitten once, too, and tried to give it to his friend. Thankfully we got it back. Eventually, he put rat poison in our cat's food and in their favorite hiding spot. My husband caught it in time, but after that I was too afraid to ever leave the house for fear that my cats would end up dead or missing.
My sister-in-law was incredibly manipulative. I'm pretty sure she's a legitimate sociopath. She acted friendly enough, and we felt comfortable around her, like we could blow off some steam by taking a walk and talking about all the drama. After a while, I realized that everything my husband or I said somehow got back to my brother-in-law, but my words would be twisted to make them seem as bad as possible. And she wasn't just doing this to me, she was doing it to everyone in the house. Anything that anyone said about anyone got twisted and told to whoever was being talked about. All she ever did was stir everything up. :/
My mother-in-law just let all of this happen. She never disciplined the two of them, and they got pretty much everything they wanted. Her son would even take her car regardless of whether or not she said he could. But there were never any consequences for them. When my brother-in-law physically attacked my husband one night, she yelled at my husband for defending himself, and I heard her laughing about the incident with his brother the next day. She spent most of her time holed up in her bedroom, ignoring everything that was going on.
Eventually, things got so bad... My brother-in-law gathered up a group of his friends, about 5 or 6 of them, with the intent to attack me while everyone else was gone. I woke up to the sound of loud banging on my bedroom door. (I had locked it because I never felt safe.) They were literally breaking the door in. I tried to hold it shut, but I'm very small and weak and they were not. I was honestly afraid that they were going to beat me to death and kill my cats. I think the only reason they didn't is because one girl that was with them spoke up. What they did do, though, was hold me down on my bed while they threw my stuff on the front lawn. After that awful day was finally over, I went to live with my mom until my husband and I could get the money for a new apartment. It took us another four months. Four months of being forced apart from my husband, only able to see him once a week; four months of being terrified that I might not get my cats back alive because my mom didn't have room for them. Needless to say, I cried a lot when we finally found an apartment.
It's been 2 years since then. I still have flashbacks of being pressed up against that bedroom door, trying to keep it shut, while my oldest cat was practically screaming at me in terror. And I still have nightmares of horrible things happening to my cats. I never had nightmares like that before. I want so badly to go to therapy, but we can't afford it right now. And I want more than anything for that entire family to be out of my life completely. Our car broke down recently, and literally the only person who can give my husband a ride to work and to the grocery store is his mother because she doesn't have a job. We have to save up for a new car, and I have no idea how long it's going to take. Thankfully we don't ever have to see my brother-in-law at least, but I don't want to see any of them. I feel like I'll never fully get them out of my life, and that terrifies me.
Omg, this was much longer than I thought it would be. This thread just made me think of all that, and I really needed to talk about it.
(Sorry if I ramble or if this post is super long. I don't have anyone to talk to about this, so...)
TW for emotional abuse, violence, and animal abuse.
I'm like 100% sure that my brother-in-law has NPD. His personality just fits the description/symptoms of it so well that I'd be surprised if he didn't. On top of that, he's a pretty violent person when he's angry, and he is almost ALWAYS angry. I'm pretty sure his dad has it, too, as he is very emotionally abusive/manipulative and thought everyone in his household should do everything for him. He literally wouldn't eat at all if someone didn't make his food for him.
I had to live with my in-laws for about a year when my husband and I lost our apartment a few years ago because we just couldn't afford it. They were the absolute last people we wanted to live with, because last time we lived with them we had to move in with my husband's grandparents because of the problems we had with his father. But unfortunately my mom has a super tiny house, and my dad already had my brother and his family moving in. My in-laws were the only people who had any room for us. Things seemed to go relatively okay at first. My husband and I had just decided to avoid his father to try to minimize drama. But things quickly spiraled downhill with the rest of the family, and I still have no idea why.
The more time that went by, the worse things got. My brother-in-law wanted us out of *his* house (his own words), and he was always convinced that we were talking bad about him behind his back. Well, yeah, if you call talking about all the bad sh*t you did to us "talking bad about you". He would throw our cats outside (they were indoor only, 2 of them were terrified of being outside). He would use the excuse that his boyfriend was allergic to cats, but his boyfriend didn't live with us and he had never shown signs of allergies all the times he'd been there. I know he was just hoping they would run away. He stole our kitten once, too, and tried to give it to his friend. Thankfully we got it back. Eventually, he put rat poison in our cat's food and in their favorite hiding spot. My husband caught it in time, but after that I was too afraid to ever leave the house for fear that my cats would end up dead or missing.
My sister-in-law was incredibly manipulative. I'm pretty sure she's a legitimate sociopath. She acted friendly enough, and we felt comfortable around her, like we could blow off some steam by taking a walk and talking about all the drama. After a while, I realized that everything my husband or I said somehow got back to my brother-in-law, but my words would be twisted to make them seem as bad as possible. And she wasn't just doing this to me, she was doing it to everyone in the house. Anything that anyone said about anyone got twisted and told to whoever was being talked about. All she ever did was stir everything up. :/
My mother-in-law just let all of this happen. She never disciplined the two of them, and they got pretty much everything they wanted. Her son would even take her car regardless of whether or not she said he could. But there were never any consequences for them. When my brother-in-law physically attacked my husband one night, she yelled at my husband for defending himself, and I heard her laughing about the incident with his brother the next day. She spent most of her time holed up in her bedroom, ignoring everything that was going on.
Eventually, things got so bad... My brother-in-law gathered up a group of his friends, about 5 or 6 of them, with the intent to attack me while everyone else was gone. I woke up to the sound of loud banging on my bedroom door. (I had locked it because I never felt safe.) They were literally breaking the door in. I tried to hold it shut, but I'm very small and weak and they were not. I was honestly afraid that they were going to beat me to death and kill my cats. I think the only reason they didn't is because one girl that was with them spoke up. What they did do, though, was hold me down on my bed while they threw my stuff on the front lawn. After that awful day was finally over, I went to live with my mom until my husband and I could get the money for a new apartment. It took us another four months. Four months of being forced apart from my husband, only able to see him once a week; four months of being terrified that I might not get my cats back alive because my mom didn't have room for them. Needless to say, I cried a lot when we finally found an apartment.
It's been 2 years since then. I still have flashbacks of being pressed up against that bedroom door, trying to keep it shut, while my oldest cat was practically screaming at me in terror. And I still have nightmares of horrible things happening to my cats. I never had nightmares like that before. I want so badly to go to therapy, but we can't afford it right now. And I want more than anything for that entire family to be out of my life completely. Our car broke down recently, and literally the only person who can give my husband a ride to work and to the grocery store is his mother because she doesn't have a job. We have to save up for a new car, and I have no idea how long it's going to take. Thankfully we don't ever have to see my brother-in-law at least, but I don't want to see any of them. I feel like I'll never fully get them out of my life, and that terrifies me.
Omg, this was much longer than I thought it would be. This thread just made me think of all that, and I really needed to talk about it.
@
Pombei oh my god that sounds horrifying, I'm really sorry you had to go through all of this! I can't comprehend how people can be so cruel and how people around you just turned a blind eye on what your in-law "family" did to you, your husband and your cats. I mean like what on earth made this whole group of people think it was ok to break into your room, hurt you and throw your stuff out?! These aren't people, these are monsters, I hope they get locked up.
I'm happy for you that you got away from them though and I hope your situation will get better soon so you don't have to see any of them ever again! *sends good vibes*
@
Revival thanks a lot and I wish the same for you! And yeah the silent-treatment seems to be their favourite way of dealing with stuff and maybe it's even better this way, because every time I tried to "talk things out" with my ex it just left me shaking and questioning my sanity. I can't describe the feeling properly, it was kinda like falling into an abyss, not being able to tel right from wrong, the total conviction that I'm just a lunatic and therefore utter dependence on him and whatever he told me was "real", what I was allowed to feel, think and do.
@
AlpineHell oh ok. It's just that I don't throw the term "Narcissist" around lightly bc the actual personality disorder is pretty severe and shares a huge amount of symptoms with Sociopathy/Anti-Social Personality Disorder. Both personality disorders share at least this one symptom: the complete lack of the ability to experience empathy.
They have no consideration of other people whatsoever unless they are useful to them, but again this consideration is only centered around the profit of the narcissist/sociopath. I am mentally ill myself so I feel like I
should have so sympathy for them, but something about them is just so utterly rotten and evil that I'm not able to do that.
Not all people that are crappy to you have these severe disorders that hinder them from feeling any empathy, most crappy people are in fact "just" ignorant brats who are very well able to feel empathy, they just choose not to. But such people usually have at least one person, a pet ar whatever they truly love and care about, but unfortunately it's just not you. Whereas narcissists and sociopath lack the ability to care for anyone and anything but themselves whatsoever, other people mean completely nothing for them and are just things to be used, abused and thrown away.
I got to know a diagnosed narcissist one or two months ago. He was hitting on me and after all the crap I had to deal with in the past I'm extremely upfront about my needs and also mentioned I had mental problems. He saw that as an invitation to come out as an narcissist who is in therapy.
And sorry my post is already so super long and I'm tired of writing so much I may post a more detailed version of the story later if there's some interest!
But long story short: Basically our whole interaction went like this, he was all like "waah wäääh I'm a little poor narcissist, everybody hates narcissists, I'm so lonely and I don't deserve the hate, I'm in therapy!! I'm a good narcissist, I'm not like the others, I'm a nice guy and still no one likes me! please let me get in your pants!" all while showing the whole spektrum of disgusting, evil and manipulative narcisstic behaviour "everyone hates" and when I called him out on that, the situation got ugly.
@
Pombei oh my god that sounds horrifying, I'm really sorry you had to go through all of this! I can't comprehend how people can be so cruel and how people around you just turned a blind eye on what your in-law "family" did to you, your husband and your cats. I mean like what on earth made this whole group of people think it was ok to break into your room, hurt you and throw your stuff out?! These aren't people, these are monsters, I hope they get locked up.
I'm happy for you that you got away from them though and I hope your situation will get better soon so you don't have to see any of them ever again! *sends good vibes*
@
Revival thanks a lot and I wish the same for you! And yeah the silent-treatment seems to be their favourite way of dealing with stuff and maybe it's even better this way, because every time I tried to "talk things out" with my ex it just left me shaking and questioning my sanity. I can't describe the feeling properly, it was kinda like falling into an abyss, not being able to tel right from wrong, the total conviction that I'm just a lunatic and therefore utter dependence on him and whatever he told me was "real", what I was allowed to feel, think and do.
@
AlpineHell oh ok. It's just that I don't throw the term "Narcissist" around lightly bc the actual personality disorder is pretty severe and shares a huge amount of symptoms with Sociopathy/Anti-Social Personality Disorder. Both personality disorders share at least this one symptom: the complete lack of the ability to experience empathy.
They have no consideration of other people whatsoever unless they are useful to them, but again this consideration is only centered around the profit of the narcissist/sociopath. I am mentally ill myself so I feel like I
should have so sympathy for them, but something about them is just so utterly rotten and evil that I'm not able to do that.
Not all people that are crappy to you have these severe disorders that hinder them from feeling any empathy, most crappy people are in fact "just" ignorant brats who are very well able to feel empathy, they just choose not to. But such people usually have at least one person, a pet ar whatever they truly love and care about, but unfortunately it's just not you. Whereas narcissists and sociopath lack the ability to care for anyone and anything but themselves whatsoever, other people mean completely nothing for them and are just things to be used, abused and thrown away.
I got to know a diagnosed narcissist one or two months ago. He was hitting on me and after all the crap I had to deal with in the past I'm extremely upfront about my needs and also mentioned I had mental problems. He saw that as an invitation to come out as an narcissist who is in therapy.
And sorry my post is already so super long and I'm tired of writing so much I may post a more detailed version of the story later if there's some interest!
But long story short: Basically our whole interaction went like this, he was all like "waah wäääh I'm a little poor narcissist, everybody hates narcissists, I'm so lonely and I don't deserve the hate, I'm in therapy!! I'm a good narcissist, I'm not like the others, I'm a nice guy and still no one likes me! please let me get in your pants!" all while showing the whole spektrum of disgusting, evil and manipulative narcisstic behaviour "everyone hates" and when I called him out on that, the situation got ugly.
@
Jua
Sorry for pinging you but that story of yours hits home so hard ;_;
Most of that is exactly what happened during my first relationship and it's almost like I was just reading something I had written myself. ( -the part where he contacted you again because my ex is still convinced I was the horrible evil person who made him feel bad by pointing out what he had or hadn't done)
If you don't mind me asking, is there anything specific that helped you get out of the mind set that you were the one doing things wrong?
Even though I know I wasn't the one to do anything wrong most of the times, I can't help but feel like I did and that I was the one who failed him.
I managed to get out of it a while ago but have since fallen back and gotten stuck and it has just been screwing with my head and even my current relationship which I might even abandon since I just don't feel ready anymore.
@
Pombei
I'm also so sorry to hear what happened to you and your husband. Will you guys be pressing charges against your brother in-law?
Your husbands father, mother and sister might just be ****** people but what his brother has been doing is absolutely *******up and that guy should be thrown into jail.
He has literally proven himself to be dangerous to the people around him and apparently most of his friends aren't much better either. (multiple guys attacking a small girl, really now?)
I really hope all of you (the cats included ofcourse) will get out of this situation as soon as possible and that your future will be a whole lot better. *hugs*
@
Jua
Sorry for pinging you but that story of yours hits home so hard ;_;
Most of that is exactly what happened during my first relationship and it's almost like I was just reading something I had written myself. ( -the part where he contacted you again because my ex is still convinced I was the horrible evil person who made him feel bad by pointing out what he had or hadn't done)
If you don't mind me asking, is there anything specific that helped you get out of the mind set that you were the one doing things wrong?
Even though I know I wasn't the one to do anything wrong most of the times, I can't help but feel like I did and that I was the one who failed him.
I managed to get out of it a while ago but have since fallen back and gotten stuck and it has just been screwing with my head and even my current relationship which I might even abandon since I just don't feel ready anymore.
@
Pombei
I'm also so sorry to hear what happened to you and your husband. Will you guys be pressing charges against your brother in-law?
Your husbands father, mother and sister might just be ****** people but what his brother has been doing is absolutely *******up and that guy should be thrown into jail.
He has literally proven himself to be dangerous to the people around him and apparently most of his friends aren't much better either. (multiple guys attacking a small girl, really now?)
I really hope all of you (the cats included ofcourse) will get out of this situation as soon as possible and that your future will be a whole lot better. *hugs*
@
Jua
I really appreciate your reply, you have no idea. I've tried to talk to a couple of people in my life about this before, but I just never felt heard. They don't really get how bad it actually was, I guess. I mean, even my husband doesn't fully understand what I experienced because he was usually at work.
Now, I'm just trying to get by until the day I can finally go to therapy. It's something I look forward to.
@
Velenco
No, I never even called the cops on him because I knew what would happen if I did. Either he wouldn't get arrested, or he would get arrested and spend no more than a night in jail. Both outcomes would only result in him being even more p*ssed off at me, which would have resulted in some sort of retaliation. I just really wasn't willing to risk that.
We've had our own place for a couple of years now, though. I haven't really recovered from it, I'm pretty sure I have some mild PTSD, but thankfully my cats are happier than they've ever been.
@
Jua
I really appreciate your reply, you have no idea. I've tried to talk to a couple of people in my life about this before, but I just never felt heard. They don't really get how bad it actually was, I guess. I mean, even my husband doesn't fully understand what I experienced because he was usually at work.
Now, I'm just trying to get by until the day I can finally go to therapy. It's something I look forward to.
@
Velenco
No, I never even called the cops on him because I knew what would happen if I did. Either he wouldn't get arrested, or he would get arrested and spend no more than a night in jail. Both outcomes would only result in him being even more p*ssed off at me, which would have resulted in some sort of retaliation. I just really wasn't willing to risk that.
We've had our own place for a couple of years now, though. I haven't really recovered from it, I'm pretty sure I have some mild PTSD, but thankfully my cats are happier than they've ever been.
@
Velenco you don't have to be sorry :)
It's actually still extremely hard for me to be really convinced that it wasn't my fault and that he was just using me. I get thrown back to the mindset that it's all my fault quite often to be honest or that I should have known it from the start, so it's a tough road to recovery. Our abusive exes were both "training" us so we blame ourselves and not them and it's hard to get rid of that thought pattern that was forced onto us for such a long time. So it's ok and normal that you still have these thoughts, healing takes time.
My therapist helps me a lot, though I just recently opened up to her with the whole story because it took me so long to accept that no, I wasn't making things up, the situation was bad and scarred me, I didn't deserve this and that he was the one in the wrong not I. Before I just downplayed the whole situation and blamed it all on me so I never brought it up in therapy or even if I did I made excuses for him.
So yeah I'm aware not everyone can afford therapy (I'm from germany and here everyone has insurance and it covers therapy), but also your therapist can't help you with stuff you don't tell them about anyway.
What really helped me change my mind so I could open up to my therapist was when I found radical feminism blogs on tumblr - please don't stop reading here, I know it sounds stupid and that they are often problematic!
The thing is that women who have been abused in this way mostly by men (sorry these are actual statistics) often turn to radical feminism and these blogs are full of storys like ours and reading these storys helped me understand that I'm not alone and that this behaviour isn't ok and it's really often the same pattern. So yeah I started seeing patterns and was like "ugh that sounds a lot like what my ex did!" and read more about mental illnesses, socialization, how abuse works, what it does to your brain, why you become so "addicted" to your abuser and can't leave him etc.
So yeah what really helped me change my mind was reading storys similiar to mine and science, mainly psychology and behavioural biology, but to some extent also biochemistry, neurology and sociology.
And when I get these creeping thoughts "it's all my fault, I want him back" I go to these blogs and try to tell myself "see this person was hurt in a very similiar way to you and you would NEVER blame them, you would tell them they deserve better, so why do you blame yourself?" But again, it's hard, sometimes it doesn't work and I feel very bad, but that's ok, it takes time so don't beat yourself up over it.
@
Pombei you're very welcome and I know what you mean, people who haven't experienced similiar stuff themselves often have difficulties to understand it, but you're not alone and there are people who understand you :) A good therapist can really help a ton so I wish you the best and that you'll find a good one!
@
Velenco you don't have to be sorry :)
It's actually still extremely hard for me to be really convinced that it wasn't my fault and that he was just using me. I get thrown back to the mindset that it's all my fault quite often to be honest or that I should have known it from the start, so it's a tough road to recovery. Our abusive exes were both "training" us so we blame ourselves and not them and it's hard to get rid of that thought pattern that was forced onto us for such a long time. So it's ok and normal that you still have these thoughts, healing takes time.
My therapist helps me a lot, though I just recently opened up to her with the whole story because it took me so long to accept that no, I wasn't making things up, the situation was bad and scarred me, I didn't deserve this and that he was the one in the wrong not I. Before I just downplayed the whole situation and blamed it all on me so I never brought it up in therapy or even if I did I made excuses for him.
So yeah I'm aware not everyone can afford therapy (I'm from germany and here everyone has insurance and it covers therapy), but also your therapist can't help you with stuff you don't tell them about anyway.
What really helped me change my mind so I could open up to my therapist was when I found radical feminism blogs on tumblr - please don't stop reading here, I know it sounds stupid and that they are often problematic!
The thing is that women who have been abused in this way mostly by men (sorry these are actual statistics) often turn to radical feminism and these blogs are full of storys like ours and reading these storys helped me understand that I'm not alone and that this behaviour isn't ok and it's really often the same pattern. So yeah I started seeing patterns and was like "ugh that sounds a lot like what my ex did!" and read more about mental illnesses, socialization, how abuse works, what it does to your brain, why you become so "addicted" to your abuser and can't leave him etc.
So yeah what really helped me change my mind was reading storys similiar to mine and science, mainly psychology and behavioural biology, but to some extent also biochemistry, neurology and sociology.
And when I get these creeping thoughts "it's all my fault, I want him back" I go to these blogs and try to tell myself "see this person was hurt in a very similiar way to you and you would NEVER blame them, you would tell them they deserve better, so why do you blame yourself?" But again, it's hard, sometimes it doesn't work and I feel very bad, but that's ok, it takes time so don't beat yourself up over it.
@
Pombei you're very welcome and I know what you mean, people who haven't experienced similiar stuff themselves often have difficulties to understand it, but you're not alone and there are people who understand you :) A good therapist can really help a ton so I wish you the best and that you'll find a good one!
