Gildenstein

[Moonstone] ran and ran and ran until he finallt reached another MESSED UP PLACE. It was green and horrible and still really gross in here but he didnt even care because he had NO HAND!??!?!? And he BONKED right into a freaky lady.

"WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, NITWIT" said she "DON'T YOU KNOW BETTER THAN TO DISTURB THE GREAT AND POWERFUL DOCTOR GILDENSTEIN??!"

"OH THANK GOD A DOCTOR" said Moonstone ignoring the rest of that sentence "MY ARM FELL OF MY HAND I TOUCHED A WEIRD THING AND IT TURNED INTO GOLD AND FELL OFF."

"Gold?!!" said Gildenstein suddenly very interested "you didn't say anything about gold. Tell me more."

"MY HAND IS A STUMP OH MY GOD PLEASE HELP ME ."

"Oh, do be quiet, it's just a flesh wound. Listen. I am the greatest doctor, genius, alchemist, visionary, et cetera et cetera, this world has ever seen. I will, with my expertise, fashion you a new hand if you tell me where the old one is."

"ANYTHING PLEASE!!!"

"Alright deal. Come to my laboratory." She pronounced it lah-BORE-a-tory.

When moonstone got to Da Lab, his eyes were blinded by the sheer amount of shiny gold that assaulted their retinas. Seemingly every surface was covered in the stuff, the walls, the floors, the mug that said "#1 WORLD'S BEST ALCHEMIST", everything. it was almost enough to distract him from his freshly-severed hand stump, for a second.

"Standby," said dr gildenstein. "I've done this before but it takes a lot of concentration. I can't have you blathering like an idiot while I work my genius." As she said this, suddenly moonstone could not tear his eyes away from her solid gold and very mechanical looking hands.

"You're a scientist," breathed Moonstone levelly, trying to not think about the fact that his own arm ended at the wrist right now, "do you know anything about-"

"Alchemist," corrected Gildenstein sharply. "Science is for loonies."

"Alchemist," conceded Moonstone. "Do you know anything about-"

"SHUT UP!!!" hissed Gildenstein. "IT'S WORKING!!!!" the alchemist broke into peals of crazed laughter as a blinding light (more blinding than usual) filled the laBORatory and assaulted moonstones senses.

Moonstone woke up.

He groaned. what kind of horrible dream was....

HIS HANDS!!!!

it all came flooding back as he looked at them. No longer a wrist stump, he now flexed the fingers of an articulated golden hand not unlike that of his dubious benefactor. two of them, actually.

"It's about time you woke up," grumbled gildenstein from the golden coffee machine across the room. "Your snoring is atrocious."

"Why do i have two golden hands," said moonstone shakily. "Where is my other hand."

"Oh!! Consider that a gift from me to you. Your old flesh hand was impossibly ugly, so I improved it for you. Can't walk around with mismatched hands, now, can we?"

"Oh my god," said Moonstone.

"Now about that old hand, of yours....or, rather, the old-er one. Ahaha! Ahem. You wouldn't happen to know-"

"That's what I'm asking YOU!!" exploded moonstone, now exhausted from all the crap he just went through. "I don't know anything about anything that just happened to me!!! I literally just touched a random statue and suddenly my hand fell off!!!! If you're such a SUPER GENIUS can't you tell me anything about that?!?"

Gildenstein recoiled at the implication that she was not a super genius. "So you don't know where it is, then? That was part of the deal, you know."

"OF COURSE I DONT KNOW!!!" spluttered moonstone. "I RAN AWAY SCREAMING CAUSE MY HAND FELL OFF!!!"

"OOOOHHH you NINNY!!!! Leave it to a CARBON dragon to lose a whole chunk of gold!!!" Gildenstein paced frantically a bit and then whipped back around to face moonstone. "Well, you're no help to ME, are you?!! GET OUT!!!! Getoutgetoutgetout!!!"

Moonstones head was still whirling by the time he was unceremoniously kicked out of dr. Gildenstein's La Bor A Tory. He had just lost and gained and lost and gained a hand in less than a day. Moonstone buried his head in his gold, cold hands. He didnt care about adventuring or visiting or discovering anymore. He just wanted to go home.

Goldstone lazily opened one eye a sliver as she watched a figure come trampling over the horizon. The statue had long since become accustomed to her stationary existence, and she wasn't too torn up about it anyways; she had never been a fan of hard work. Nevertheless, situations like this made her wish she could at least move out of the way. As the wild figure approached closer, Goldstone's eyes focused more clearly on a clanking, panting flurry of lab coat and goggles and...is that gold...?!

"AT LAST!!!!!!" hissed the screaming maniac breathlessly wheezing into her face. "I'VE FOUND IT!!!!! THIS STATUE SHALL AID ME IN SCULPTING MY GILDED UTOPIA!!!!!"

That was a lot of crazy to take in. But what piqued her interest was the fact that this looney bin seemed to be specifically looking for Goldstone.

"This statue has a name, you know."

The creature did a double-take at Goldstone's reply. "You're...?! I, uh...are you a statue...?"

"Maybe, maybe not. But I might be who you're lookin' for," the statue said slyly. "Goldstone's the name, gold stones are my game. And you are...?"

She posed dramatically. "I am Doctor Gildenstein, master of alchemy and sole performer of the Great Work!!! All bow before my unparalleled genius...but you, Goldstone, will be my accessory in GREATNESS!!!"

"Goldstone, Gildenstein...heh. Seems we've got some things in common, friend." Goldstone knew that their names are where their similarities ended, though. While she herself was only made of pyrite, she recognized in Gildenstein a body of pure authentic gold. It was flabbergasting, really, but Goldstone wasn't one to ask questions. There was business to be done.

"Oh, we have much in common," grinned Gildenstein nefariously, "for I have heard rumors that you are able to turn anything to gold. As you know, I myself have mastered this power. My own glorious golden scales are proof of that! Although I am the best in the business, I graciously extend an offer to combine our powers for the greater gold. Hahah! With my vast intellect and your developing abilities, we could turn the WHOLE WORLD into GOLD!!! And, who knows, perhaps I could teach you a thing or two."

"Charmed," said Goldstone dryly. But despite this weirdo's unregulated ego, a plan brewed within Goldstone's shrewd metal brain. If what Gildenstein said was true, this could bring Goldstone a fortune. As long as she kept her con up, she was as good as...well, not gold, but something close enough.

"Well, what do you say?" said Gildenstein giddily. "Will you help me cleanse this world of the base metals that plague its golden ideal?"

"It's a deal, partner," smirked Goldstone. But to her horror, the idiot before her went in for the handshake. "WAIT!!!" Goldstone exclaimed. But it was too late.

The effect was immediate. Gildenstein, being already made of metal, was not immobilized the way a flesh dragon would be. But the feeling of something wrong, something impure, crawled over her hand like a thick film. Gildenstein's face contorted into pure horror and disgust. This wasn't gold at all, this was--

"PUH-PYRITE!!!!!!!" Dr. Gildenstein sputtered, shaking her hand vigorously as if she had just removed it from a pile of manure. "DISGUSTING!!!" Gildenstein leapt into the air and began to gracelessly hop and scramble back from whence she came, yelling insults and minced oaths all the way.

Well, so much for a solid business opportunity. No matter. There were plenty more fish in the sea...who cares if she lost one little goldfish?

Curculio's traumatic dry-heaving experiences still left her feeling completely shot. She barely had the energy to haul herself out the door but she tried to drum up the resolve to leave the plaguelands for good, it was a horrible reminder of her drippy flesh curse and she just wanted to be anywwhre but here. Unfortunately once she actually began her trek she didnt get very far. After pushing herself to her limits she began to drip and drip until she finally had no choice but to collapse on the plagueland floor, defeated.

"Hello there, flesh lump," she heard hazily over the sound of her ears churning, "are you sapient?"

"What??" She managed to gurgle. Who would say something like that??! When she looked up to see the answer to her question she almost had to close her eyes again. The reflection of sunlight off this rude individual felt blinding, and as her eyes focused Curculio realized that it was reflecting off of pure gold.

"Ah, so you are," concluded the creature. "You never can tell around these parts. Not everyone is, you know."

Curculio struggled to get up. "You don't need to insult me. I already know I'm disgusting."

"Oh, no more disgusting than any other carbon-based nitwit," dismissed the stranger, "all the same, the lot of you. I wish I didn't have the misfortune of living in a carbon-based land, but, such is the luck of Dr. Gildenstein."

"Doctor?" Curculio managed to choke out. "You said you're a doctor?!"

"The very best," preened Gildenstein, perking up at the opportunity to talk about herself. "I am the greatest alchemist in the world, a master at my element, and that element is GOLD! I can transform any inferior substance into the stuff, including yours truly! I actually renewed my glorious golden scales just a few weeks ago, do you like it?" She posed a little and rapped the metal on her arm for effect. Curculio was not as impressed as the gold doctor hoped she'd be.

"Alchemy," she said, "so like magic?"

Gildenstein scoffed derisively. "Shows what you know. Alchemy is far-"

"Can you remove curses?"

Gildenstein frowned. She didn't like the constant diversions. "Depends on what the curse is."

Curculio looked at her incredulously, gesturing wordlessly to her body.

"You don't want to be made of organic molecules...?"

"I don't want to be dripping with rotting meat," Curculio said exasperatedly. "Is that within your area of expertise?"

"Everything is within my area of expertise," said Gildenstein quickly. "And I agree that your flesh situation is quite problematic. We'll have to do something about it. Luckily for you, I have just the solution."

Curculio allowed herself to be led back to Dr. Gildenstein's laboratory (she pronounced it "la-BOHR-a-tory"). This wasn't the first time she'd been led to the lair of a dubious medical professional with no manners, but she desperate for any progress on her curse and, at the very least, a place to stay. It's not like she could get any worse.

---

"You know, you're not the first meatling to desperately seek my genius remedies," said Gildenstein nonchalantly as she casually swung some levers and giant switches.

"You don't say," Curculio said from the giant machine she was strapped into, although she wasn't fully secured what with her more liquid parts oozing through the cracks. She looked idly around the room. It was entirely covered in gold from ceiling to floor; the only thing that broke the monochromatic sea of shiny yellow besides herself was the firetruck-red stone that crowned the contraption she was currently hooked up to. "Were you able to help them?"

"Of course I helped them," scoffed Gildenstein. "In fact, every last one of them walked away in a better state than they had been in before they needed me. There have been a few ungrateful buffoons, to be sure, but they were simply too foolish to realize how I had improved them."

"I see," mused Curculio. "And they all came out in one piece?"

"And they all-?!" Gildenstein sputtered incredulously. "Of COURSE they came out alive!! What kind of alchemist do you think I am??! Are you insinuating that I am a QUACK?!!"

"No," said Curculio coolly, after some consideration. "Not at all."

"I should hope not," huffed Gildenstein. "Now, do be quiet. This part requires concentration."

Curculio obeyed, listening intently to the sound of metal parts slamming and clanking behind her. Dr. Gildenstein had also launched into a bout of maniacal cackling, but she tried to ignore that part. The only sound more disconcerting was when she heard the laughing stop.

"What's wrong...?" she said nervously over her shoulder.

"Ahem, nothing a genius can't fix," said Gildenstein unconvincingly. "Only a minor setback!"

Curculio said nothing, hoping she hadn't tempted fate by trusting this lady. She had thought her situation couldn't get worse, but there was a lot that could go wrong right now. And was that SMOKE..?!

"LOOK OUT!!!" shouted Gildenstein over the sounds of the machine, and a flash of blinding light of filled the room. When Curculio opened her eyes, she checked herself expecting to see a pile of charred goop, but instead looked down to see a remarkably solid surface of...metal...

She wasn't sure what she had been expecting.

Gildenstein came out from behind the machine, rubbing her chin in thought. "Ahh, just as I feared," she said dejectedly, "your curse is remarkably strong. As brilliant as I am, I was only able to aurify the outer layer of skin. The rest, I'm afraid, is still just meat and bones."

"This is...actually not terrible," she observed. She had never felt so...clean before. Her insides still felt sick, but it was all contained within her golden shell. No more dripping, no more skin sloughing off...and she finally looked normal. "Wow. I...thank you, Doctor Gildenstein."

"Oh, don't thank me, you're still just a flesh dragon on the inside. What a disgrace!" she fussed. "But at least you are golden on the outside. Do be careful, though," warned Gildenstein, "for I am not sure how that perfect golden shell is going to interact with the putrefaction behind it. I can assure you that I have never failed so spectacularly before, and so I have no frame of reference for a creature like yourself."

"Well, it's good enough for me," said Curculio firmly. "Thank you again, but I must be off."

And with that, Curculio set off to her next destination with renewed confidence. It felt wonderful not having to worry about literally keeping herself together as she flew, as all her loose rotting bits were safe and secure inside her shell. And no one would be the wiser! She had been looked upon with disgust and pity her whole life, so she was eager to finally, maybe, be treated like a normal dragon. Or even, she thought with cautious optimism, a beautiful one...her heart reeled at the thought. Maybe that Gildenstein had a point. Gold was pretty nice after all!

Deep within the bowels of my forge, the flames of war lapped at my unfeeling metal arms as I crafted the destroyer of nations. To tirelessly forge the machinations of war and death can really work up an appetite, so I went to my fridge to get a snack. Unfortunately, I forgot to get the groceries this week. So I set aside my unforgiving crucible to go to the store.

I saw someone strange across the produce aisle. She was a woman my age, I think, but she was also made entirely out of metal.

I started picking up some peaches, because they were on sale and I really like peaches but I don't usually get them. It was silent and kind of awkward until the woman spoke.

"How curious it is," she tested, "to see another metal dragon out and about. I must ask, though, why bronze, of all things?"

"Bronze is the foundation on which power is built. I have built myself through this power, and in shedding my mortal flesh I have become invincible. I am Brontion, harbinger of war and forger of cataclysms. And uh, I use they/them pronouns."

"Well, Brontion. Although I must disagree with your choice in garb, I'd say you are quite well-met. I am Doctor Gildenstein, master alchemist and gilded luminary, sole performer of the Magnum Opus of alchemy. You may have heard of me."

"I have not."

"Oh," she frowned. "Well. We are very much alike, you and I. While you have forged yourself in bronze, I have transmuted myself into the superior metal, gold. With my vast expertise in alchemical transmutation, I intend to transform the whole WORLD into GLITTERING GOLD!!!" She began to laugh, and I felt a little self-conscious, but mostly annoyed. "I don't suppose you possess such lofty ideals for the world?"

"Not really," I said. "I was just going to blow it up."

She sputtered in shock and disbelief. "WHAT?!" I did not respond. I just wanted to get my peaches.

"Well, Brontion, let it be known that I, Doctor Gloria Gildenstein, will stop at NOTHING to create a purely golden world! And if that means I must cross you in the throes of battle, so be it!"

"Okay," I said.

The peaches were really good.