Zantana » Clan | Lair | Nesting Grounds

Zantana's Clan

"slatt."

Venerable Lair

near the

Frozen Sanctum

Clan Info

what am i? a pain to deal with! when am i a pain to deal with? ALL DAY! 🌈✨

♦ Lore ♦

SHREK: (Reading a storybook) Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. (Laughs, tears out a page of the book) Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of - (toilet flush).

"Allstar" by Smash Mouth begins to play. Shrek exits an outhouse and goes about his day in the swamp.

In a nearby village, an angry mob gather up to go after Shrek. At night, the villagers head into the swamp and wait outside Shrek's home.

NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME

Villager 1: Think it's in there?

Villager 2: All right. Let's get it!

Villager 1: Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

Villager 3: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.

SHREK: Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin...

Villagers: No!

SHREK: They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.

Villager 1: Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (Waves the torch at Shrek.)

Shrek licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The men shrink back away from him. Shrek terrifies the mob with a frightening roar, his spit extinguishing all the remaining torches.

SHREK: (Whispering) This is the part where you run away.

The men drop their torches and pitchforks and flee as fast they can.

SHREK: And stay out! (looks down and picks up a wanted poster. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairytale creatures." (He sighs and drops the paper on the ground.)

THE NEXT DAY - FOREST

Lines of fairy tale creatures are put in chains and are led into wagons by Duloc Guards. The Captain of the Duloc Guards sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairytale creatures in. Waiting in line is Donkey on a leash and his owner. Some of the others in line include Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Geppetto who is carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer carrying the Three Little Pigs.

GUARD: All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!

THE CAPTAIN: Next!

GUARD: (Taking the witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half)

THE CAPTAIN: That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

GUARD: Get up! Come on!

Mama Bear and Papa Bear are locked inside giant cages, with Little Bear in his own cage.

LITTLE BEAR: (crying) This cage is too small.

DONKEY: (To his owner) Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

OLD WOMAN: Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)

DONKEY: Oh!

THE CAPTAIN: Next! What have you got?

GEPPETTO: This little wooden puppet.

PINOCCHIO: I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows)

THE CAPTAIN: Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

PINOCCHIO: Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! (Geppetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table.)

THE CAPTAIN: Next! What have you got?

OLD WOMAN: Well, I've got a talking donkey.

THE CAPTAIN: Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

OLD WOMAN: Oh, go ahead, little fella. (Donkey stays silent).

THE CAPTAIN: Well?..

OLD WOMAN: Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. (Smacks Donkey) Talk, you boneheaded dolt, talk!

THE CAPTAIN: That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

OLD WOMAN: No, no, he talks! He does. (Moving Donkey's lips) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

THE CAPTAIN: Get her out of my sight.

OLD WOMAN: No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and starts floating upwards.

DONKEY: Hey! I can fly!

PETER PAN: He can fly!

THREE LITTLE PIGS: He can fly!

THE CAPTAIN: He can talk?!

DONKEY: Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (The pixie dust's effects begin to wear off) Uh-oh. (He drops out of the air and hits the ground with a thud.)

THE CAPTAIN: Seize him!

Donkey dodges the guards as they try to grab him and runs deeper into the forest.

GUARDS: He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn!

Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs head first into Shrek's backside. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him and glares down at Donkey. Donkey looks scared of Shrek for a moment, but he quickly hides him after seeing that the guards have caught up to him.

THE CAPTAIN: You there. Ogre!

SHREK: Aye?

THE CAPTAIN: By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest and...(Shrek slowly approaches the group of guards, the guards visibly frightened by him) transport you to... a designated...resettlement...facility?

SHREK: Oh, really? You and what army? (Smiles)

The Captain looks behind himself and sees that all the other guards have abandoned him. The Captain tucks tail and runs off. Shrek shakes his head and starts walking back to his swamp. Donkey, impressed by Shrek, follows him.

DONKEY: Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!

SHREK: Are you talkin' to...(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.) Whoa!

DONKEY: Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back there? Man those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.

SHREK: (Annoyed) Oh, that's great. Really.

DONKEY: Man, it's good to be free.

SHREK: Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?

DONKEY: But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.

Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before loudly roaring in is face.

DONKEY: Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day.

SHREK: Why are you following me?

DONKEY: I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me, But you gotta have friends...

SHREK: Stop singing! (Picks up Donkey by his ears and tail) It's no wonder you don't have any friends (drops him).

DONKEY: Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

SHREK: Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

DONKEY: (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh...really tall?

SHREK: No! I'm an ogre! You know, "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?

DONKEY: Nope.

SHREK: Really?

DONKEY: Really, really.

SHREK: Oh.

DONKEY: Man, I like you. What's you name?

SHREK: Uh, Shrek.

DONKEY: Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of "I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me" thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. (They come over a hill overlooking Shrek's home.) Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?

SHREK: That would be my home.

DONKEY: Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. (Looks at Shrek's "keep out" signs) I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

SHREK: I like my privacy.

DONKEY: You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You'retrying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. And there's that big awkward silence you know? (awkward silence) Can I stay with you?

SHREK: Uh, what?

DONKEY: Can I stay with you, please?

SHREK: (sarcastically) Of course!

DONKEY: Really?

SHREK: No.

DONKEY: Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. (Donkey pushes Shrek up against the door) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

SHREK: Okay! Okay! But one night only.

DONKEY: Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the hut)

SHREK: What are you...No! (Donkey hops up onto a chair.) No!

DONKEY: This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin'... I'm makin' waffles.

SHREK: Oh!

DONKEY: Where do, uh, I sleep?

SHREK: (irritated) Outside!

DONKEY: Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek slams the door, shutting Donkey outside) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's no one here beside me...

SHREK'S HOME - NIGHT

Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits down and lights a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a noise. He stands up with a huff.

SHREK: (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside!

DONKEY: (from the window) I am outside!

Shrek hears a noise from inside and turns to find the source. He sees several shadows moving and looks around, spotting the Three Blind Mice on his table.

MOUSE 1: Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?

MOUSE 2: It's not home, but it'll do just fine.

GORDON: (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.

SHREK Got ya. (Grabs Gordon, but he escapes and lands on his shoulder.)

GORDON: I found some cheese. (bites into Shrek's ear)

SHREK: Ow! (tries to grab him)

GORDO: Blah! Awful stuff. (jumps down to the table)

BLIND MOUSE: Is that you, Gordon?

GORDO: How did you know?

SHREK: Enough! (he grabs all three mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey!

Shrek turns around and sees the Seven Dwarves have put Snow White, sleeping in her glass coffin, on the table.

SHREK: Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table!

DWARF: Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

SHREK: Huh?

Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at him.

BIG BAD WOLF: What?

Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door.

SHREK: I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy?

He opens the front door to throw the Wolf out and he sees that a horde of fairytale creatures have set up camp in his swamp.

SHREK: Oh, no. No! No! (He dodges out the way of a group of witches flying on broomsticks)

The Three Bears (minus Mama Bear) sit around the fire, the Pied Piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.

SHREK: What are you doing in my swamp?!! (this echoes throughout the camp and everyone falls silent.)

Gasps are heard all around. The Three Good Fairies hide inside a tent.

SHREK: All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more dwarves run inside the house) No, no! No, no. Not there! Not there! (they shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to look at Donkey)

DONKEY: Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

PINOCCHIO: Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

SHREK: What?

PINOCCHIO: We were forced to come here.

SHREK: (flabbergasted) By who?

LITTLE PIG: Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an eviction notice.

SHREK: (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where this... "Farquaad" guy is?

Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.

DONKEY: Oh, I do. I know where he is!

SHREK: Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

DONKEY: Me! Me!

SHREK: Anyone?

DONKEY: Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

SHREK: (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention all...fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Pause. Then the crowd cheers wildly.) Oh! (to Donkey) You! You're comin' with me.

DONKEY: All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

DONKEY: (singing) On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get on the road again.

SHREK: What did I say about singing?

DONKEY: Can I whistle?

SHREK: No.

DONKEY: Can I hum it?

SHREK: All right, hum it.

Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.

DULOC - DUNGEON

A masked man is pouring a glass of milk. Another man is shown walking down the hallway towards the room. As he is let into the room by two guards, we can see that the man is abnormally short. The masked man is dunking a small person into the glass of milk.

FARQUAAD: (stepping forward) That's enough. He's ready to talk.

The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk by Thelonious and is slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad manically laughs as he walks over to the table. When he reaches the table we see that it only goes up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.

FARQUAAD: (he picks up the Gingy's severed legs and plays with them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!

GINGY: You're a monster.

FARQUAAD: I'm not the monster here, you are. (throws one leg at Gingy) You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world (crumbes his other leg into dust). Now, tell me! Where are the others?!

GINGY: Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's eye.)

FARQUAAD: I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...(he grabs one of Gingy's gumdrop buttons)

GINGY: No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons!

FARQUAAD: All right then. Who's hiding them?

GINGY: Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

FARQUAAD: The muffin man?

GINGERBREAD MAN: The muffin man.

FARQUAAD: Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

GINGERBREAD MAN: Well, she's married to the muffin man.

FARQUAAD: The muffin man?

GINGERBREAD MAN: The muffin man!

FARQUAAD: She's married to the muffin man...(A door opens and the Captain announces himself)

HEAD GUARD: My lord! We've found it.

FARQUAAD: Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in!

More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror.

GINGERBREAD MAN: (in awe) Ohhhh...

FARQUAAD: Magic mirror...

GINGERBREAD MAN: Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks him up and dumps him into a trash can with a lid.) No!

FARQUAAD: Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?

MIRROR: Well, technically you're not a king.

FARQUAAD: Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist.) You were saying?

MIRROR: What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.

FARQUAAD: Go on.

MIRROR: (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are!

Using himself as a screen, the Magic Mirror presents a dating show to Farquaad, Thelonious, the Captain, and a few Duloc Guards.

MIRROR: Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows picture of Snow White) And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows picture of Princess Fiona) So will it be: bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?

GUARDS: Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!

FARQUAAD: Three? One? Three?

THELONIUS: Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three, my lord!

FARQUAAD: Okay, okay, uh, number three!

MIRROR: Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.

"Escape (The Piña Colada Song)" by Rupert Holmes begins playing. The crowd cheers.

FARQUAAD: (Gazing at her portrait) Princess Fiona...she's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go...(Farquaad starts braintstorming)

MIRROR: But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

FARQUAAD: (Talking to himself, ignoring the Mirror) I'll do it.

MIRROR: Yes, but after sunset...

FARQUAAD: Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. (smiles evilly)

DULOC KINGDOM - EXTERIOR

Shrek and Donkey come out of the field just outside the Duloc parking lot.

DONKEY: But that's it. That's it right there. That's Duloc. I told ya I'd find it.

SHREK: (Gazing up at Duloc Castle, a building that towers over the rest of the kingdom) So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

DONKEY: Uh-huh. That's the place.

SHREK: Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? (He laughs, but then groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. He continues walking through the parking lot.)

DONKEY: Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

MAN: Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.! (The man and his wife hurry into the entrance)

SHREK: Hey, you! (

A mascot, who is wearing a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, screams and begins running through the rows of rope to get to the front gate to get away from Shrek.

SHREK: Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just- - I just - -

Shrek sighs and then begins walking straight through the rows. The mascot runs into a wall and falls down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then continue on into Duloc.)

DULOC - INTERIOR

They look around but all is quiet and there is not a person in sight

SHREK: It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?

DONKEY: Hey, look at this!

Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing.

WOODEN PEOPLE: Welcome to Duloc such a perfect town / Here we have some rules let us lay them down / Don't make waves, stay in line and we'll get along fine / Duloc is perfect place / Please keep off of the grass / Shine your shoes, wipe your... face / Duloc is, Duloc is / Duloc is perfect place.

Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture, both of which are dumbfounded.

DONKEY: Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready to run over and pull the lever again)

SHREK: (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still) No. No. No, no, no! No.

They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.

FARQUAAD: Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove himself...

As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena Donkey is humming the Duloc theme song.

SHREK: All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

DONKEY: Sorry about that.

COURTYARD

In the center of a stadium-like courtyard, Duloc Knights are gathered as a large crowd of citizens watches on from the stands. Horses, kegs of beer, arrow targets, and other equipment are scattered about. Farquaad is atop a high up balcony, flanked by two guards, addressing the crowd. Shrek and Donkey step out onto the courtyard but don't seem to be noticed.

FARQUAAD: That champion shall have the honor-- no, no -- the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. (cheers) Let the tournament begin!

Shrek marches through the Duloc Knights, who back away in disgust upon noticing him.

FARQUAAD: (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is that? (The crowd gasps) It's hideous!

SHREK: (Looks at Donkey and then back at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey (Donkey looks confused, the joke is once again lost on him).

FARQUAAD: Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him! (Points at Shrek)

The Duloc Knights draw their weapons and slowly approach Shrek as he backs up, the crowd cheering them on.

CROWD: Get him!

SHREK: Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps into a table where there are mugs of beer)

CROWD: Go ahead! Get him!

SHREK: (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just settle this over a pint?

CROWD: Kill the beast!

SHREK: No? All right then. (drinks the ale in one gulp) Come on!

Shrek takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out, knocking the knights down and wetting the ground into mud. Shrek slides past the knights and uses a spear like a hockey stick to knock one of his feet. Donkey hops up onto one of the larger beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll. Donkey manages to squish two knights into the mud and rolls over another group of knights running after Shrek. Shrek uses the ropes of the wrestling ring to launch himself at two knights and knocks them over. The crowd Shrek jump kicks a knight, and then body slams another. A knight comes from behind Shrek with his spear ready to attack. The crowd gasps, but before he can make a move Shrek puts him in a full-nelson hold.

DONKEY: Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!

Shrek brings the knight over to Donkey, who leans on the ropes and headbutts the knight. Shrek gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd, who have now begun to cheer for Shrek and Donkey.

SHREK: Yeah!

A knight tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but he turns in time to sees him and jumps on him.

WOMAN: The chair! Give him the chair!

Shrek uses a folding chair to smack the knight lying on the ground. Shrek dispatches a few more knights with ease. Shrek picks up the last knight, spinning him over his head and then throwing him into the wrestling ring. Donkey kicks his helmet, and the ding sounds the end of the match. Finally all the knights are down. The audience goes wild.

SHREK: Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)

Farquaad motions to the guards, who then aim their crossbows at Shrek and Donkey. The crowd gasps and goes silent. Shrek stops laughing.

GUARD: Shall I give the order, sir?

FARQUAAD: No, I have a better idea. People of Duloc, I give you our champion!

The crowd cheers and a fanfare plays.

SHREK: What?

FARQUAAD: Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.

SHREK: Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back.

FARQUAAD: Your swamp?

SHREK: Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures!

FARQUAAD: Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

SHREK: Exactly the way it was?

FARQUAAD: Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

SHREK: And the squatters?

FARQUAAD: As good as gone.

SHREK: What kind of quest?

DULOC - EXTERIOR

Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the fields heading away from Duloc. Shrek is munching on an onion.

DONKEY: Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?

SHREK: You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

DONKEY: I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip.

SHREK: Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

DONKEY: Uh, no, not really, no.

SHREK: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.

DONKEY: Example?

SHREK: Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. (he holds out his onion)

DONKEY: (sniffs the onion) They stink?

SHREK: Yes - - No!

DONKEY: They make you cry?

SHREK: No!

DONKEY: Oh, you leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.

SHREK: No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. (he throws away the onion and walks off)

DONKEY: (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

SHREK: I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes.

DONKEY: You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

SHREK: (Yelling) No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

DONKEY: Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

SHREK: You know, I think I preferred your humming.

DONKEY: Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering.

They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek burns his foot trying to stomp out the campfire, so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out. They arrive at the outskirts of a giant, ominous volcano.

DONKEY: (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything.

SHREK: Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We must be getting close.

DONKEY: Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.

They climb up the side of the volcano.

DRAGON'S KEEP - EXTERIOR

They reach the top of the volcano and gaze out into the crater. An immense, dilapidated castle sits upon a large rock surround by boiling lava in the center of the crater. The only way forward is over a precarious wooden bridge. A single light can be seen in the window of the tallest tower. Thunder strikes and crows circling the castle can be heard. Its all very ominous.

SHREK: Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. (laughs)

DONKEY: (chuckes along nervously) Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said that ogres have layers?

SHREK: Oh, aye.

DONKEY: Well, I have a bit of a confession to make (Gasps, seeing the skeleton of a horse). Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

SHREK: Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.

DONKEY: You know what I mean.

SHREK: Oh you can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

DONKEY: No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!

SHREK: Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support. We'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. DONKEY: Really?

SHREK: Really, really.

DONKEY: Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

SHREK: Just keep moving. And don't look down.

DONKEY: (Nervously to himself) Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. (he steps through a rotting board and ends up looking straight down into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please!

SHREK: But you're already halfway.

DONKEY: But I know that half is safe!

SHREK: Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

DONKEY: Shrek, no! Wait!

SHREK: Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? (bounces and sways the bridge)

DONKEY: Don't do that!

SHREK: Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces the bridge again)

DONKEY: Yes, that!

SHREK: Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge)

DONKEY: No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

SHREK: You said do it! I'm doin' it.

DONKEY: I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground) Oh!

SHREK: That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks towards the castle)

DONKEY: Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

SHREK: Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. (chuckles)

DONKEY: I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

DRAGON'S KEEP - INTERIOR

Shrek and Donkey wander through the halls of the castle in search of the princess. The castle is in ruins and not a sound can be heard.

DONKEY: You afraid?

SHREK: No. But...Shh. (Shushes Donkey)

DONKEY: Oh, good. Me neither. (Get spooked and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire. It sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

Donkey crashes into a pile of knight remains, knocking over a skeleton whose helmet lands on Donkey's head. The skeleton head falls off and Donkey gasps.

SHREK: Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs (Grabs the helmet and puts it on).

DONKEY: Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

SHREK: (Picking up pieces of armor) The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.

DONKEY: What makes you think she'll be there?

SHREK: I read it in a book once. (walks off)

DONKEY: Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.

Donkey wanders off into another room, still talking to himself as he looks around.

DONKEY: I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.

Behind a broken wall, a giant eye opens to see an unaware Donkey. Elsewhere, Shrek spots a light in the window of a tower.

SHREK: Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the...

DONKEY: Dragon!

Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars and breathes fire. The dragon chases after Donkey, stomping on the pile of knight remains in its way.

SHREK: Donkey, look out!

Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon breathes fire. The dragon is just about to eat Donkey when Shrek grabs agold of its tail.

SHREK: Got ya!

The dragon begins to swing it's tail back and forth with Shrek still holding on, then launces him into the air. Shrek crashes through the roof of the tallest tower and into Fiona's room. Fiona wakes up and looks at him lying on the floor unconscious.

DONKEY: Oh! Aah! Aah!

The dragon now focuses its attention on Donkey, breathing fire at him and forcing him onto a stone bridge. The dragon knocks down portions of the bridge until Donkey is left staying on a lone pillar.

DONKEY: No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon growls) Oh, what large teeth you have. (the dragon roars) I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness?

The dragon appears to be flattered by Donkey's compliments.

DONKEY: And you know what else? You're-- You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes at him) What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye?

Dragon blows a heart-shaped smoke ring at Donkey.

DONKEY: Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh...(coughs) I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. Shrek! (She picks him up with her teeth and happily carries him off) No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

FIONA'S TOWER - INTERIOR

Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor, his back to the princess. Fiona, ecstatic to see her knight-in-shining armor, straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off the side table. She lays back down and pretends to be asleep. Shrek turns and walks over to her. He bends down over Fiona for a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and forcefully shakes her.

FIONA: Oh! Oh!

SHREK: Wake up!

FIONA: What?!

SHREK: Are you Princess Fiona?

FIONA: I am... (smiling) awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

SHREK: Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

FIONA: But wait, Sir Knight! This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? (she tosses the bouquet and lays back down)

SHREK: Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. (Yanks Fiona out of bed towards the door)

FIONA: Hey, wait. What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

Shrek fiddles with the door lock only for it to snap off.

SHREK: You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

FIONA: Mm-hmm.

Fiona screams as Shrek suddenly smashes the door down, still holding onto her arm. He rushes down the tower's staircase with Fiona in town and grabs a torch.

FIONA: But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! (pulls her arm away)

DRAGON'S KEEP - INTERIOR

Shrek and Fiona have crossed the lone bridge connecting the tallest tower to the rest of the castle.

SHREK: I don't think so.

FIONA: Can I at least know the name of my champion?

SHREK: Uh, Shrek.

FIONA: Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds out a handkerchief) I pray that you take this favour as a token of my gratitude.

SHREK: (Consfused) Thanks!

Shrek uses her favour to wipe off his sooty face and hands it back to an appalled Fiona. Suddenly they hear the dragon roar and she drops it to the floor.

FIONA: (Angry) You didn't slay the dragon?!

SHREK: It's on my to-do list. Now come on! (takes off running and drags Fiona behind him.)

FIONA: But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did!

SHREK: Yeah, right before they burst into flame. (gestures at the skeleton of a knight)

FIONA: That's not the point! (Fiona yanks her arm free) Oh! (Shrek looks around and heads for a wooden door.) Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there.

SHREK: Well, I have to save my ***.

FIONA: Ugh. What kind of knight are you?

SHREK: One of a kind. (opens the door into the throne room)

THRONE ROOM

The floor of the room is littered with a horde of gold coins and jewels. In the center of the room, Dragon has Donkey wrapped up on her tail

DONKEY: Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs worriedly) (we see him up close and from a distance as Shrek sneaks into the room) I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude-- (Dragon slides her finger over him) Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? (Dragon looks up to like chandelier above them) Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals.

Shrek grabs a chain connected to the chandelier and swings over Dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head.

DONKEY: I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards -- I'd really love to stay, but -- (Dragon tugs at Donkey's tail with her mouth) Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission-- What are you gonna do with that?

Dragon purses her lips and gets ready to kiss Donkey. Shrek starts pulling at the chain until it releases and begins to fall.

DONKEY: Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

Shrek lands on Donkey and bumps him out of Dragon's grasp just as she is about to kiss him. Instead the dragon kisses Shrek's butt. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto her head, which forms a collar around her neck. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey take off running. Shrek grabs Donkey in one arm and then grabs Princess Fiona with the other as he runs past her.

DONKEY: Hi, Princess!

FIONA: It talks!

SHREK: Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

They all gasp as they suddenly stop, having reached the end a cliff. Shrek spots a fallen column that has formed a sort of slide. He jumps on it just as Dragon tries to bite them and slides down it. Unfortunately there is a crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles off and walks lightly.

SHREK: Oh!

Dragon chases after them, the chain of the chandelier still unraveling. They are chased by Dragon through a large hall, her chain passing between multiple columns of stone. Dragon ends up in front of them and breathes fire. Shrek dodges the fire and runs away. He comes to a halt.

SHREK: Okay, you two, head for the exit! (setting down Donkey and Fiona) I'll take care of the dragon.

Shrek grabs a sword and throws it down in between several overlapping chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that is still around the Dragon's neck. Shrek runs back to catch up with Donkey and Fiona.

SHREK: Run!

They all take off running for the exit with Dragon close behind. Dragon breathes fire at them but the three outrun it. As they reach the middle of the bridge the fire burns the bridge and it snaps in half. They hang on to the bridge as they are swung to the other side. Donkey, unable to grab on, falls off but Shrek catches him by the tail. Fiona screams in terror as Dragon flies over the boiling lava to get them. Suddenly the chandelier jerks Dragon back, the sword having lodged itself into a stone column and getting the chain stuck. The group quickly climbs up to safety. Dragon looks angrily roars, then gives a sad whimper.

VOLCANO - EXTERIOR

FIONA: (sliding down the volcano hill) You did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. (behind her Donkey falls down the hill) You're - - You're wonderful. You're... (turns and sees Shrek fall down the hill and crashes into Donkey) a little unorthodox I'll admit. But...thy deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears his throat.) And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

DONKEY: I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.

Fiona chuckles while Shrek rolls his eyes.

FIONA: The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

SHREK: Uh, no.

FIONA: Why not?

SHREK: I have helmet hair.

FIONA: Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

SHREK: No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

FIONA: But, how will you kiss me?

SHREK: What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the job description.

DONKEY: Maybe it's a perk (raises his eyebrows).

FIONA: No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.

DONKEY: Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?

FIONA: Well...yes.

Donkey and Shrek stare at each other and then burst out laughing.

DONKEY: (Laughing) You think Shrek is your true love!

FIONA: (Annoyed) What is so funny?

SHREK: Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?

Fiona: Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.

SHREK: Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

FIONA: Just take off the helmet.

SHREK: I'm not going to.

FIONA: Take it off.

SHREK: No!

FIONA: Now!

SHREK: Okay! Easy. As you command,,,your Highness. (takes off his helmet)

Fiona looks at him in shock. Shrek awkwardly grins.

FIONA: You...you're...an ogre.

SHREK: Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

FIONA: Well, yes, actually. (tries to laugh) Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre! (walks off)

SHREK: Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He's the one who wants to marry you.

FIONA: Well then why didn't he come rescue me?

SHREK: Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

FIONA: But I have to be rescued by my true love! Not by some ogre and his-- his pet.

DONKEY: Well, so much for noble steed.

SHREK: Look princess you're not making my job any easier.

FIONA: I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. (takes a seat on a nearby rock)

SHREK: Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? (Gets up in Fiona's face) I'm a delivery boy.

FIONA: You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

Shrek picks Fiona up and slings her over his shoulder like a bag of potatoes.

FIONA: Ah! Put me down!

SHREK: Ya comin', Donkey?

DONKEY: I'm right behind ya.

FIONA: Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!

WOODS

A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She hangs limply while Shrek carries her with Donkey walking behind them.

DONKEY: Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? How do you do that?

FIONA: You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find your...(Shrek gives her quick shake) Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc the better.

DONKEY: Oh you're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

FIONA: And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

SHREK: Let me put it this way, princess (drops her on the ground). Men of Farquaad's stature are in,,,,short supply. (he and Donkey laugh)

Shrek washes his face off with the water of a nearby pond.

DONKEY: I don't know. There are those who think...little of him. (they laugh again)

FIONA: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

SHREK: Yeah, well, maybe you're right, princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

FIONA: (looks at the setting sun, worried) Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

SHREK: No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

FIONA: But there's....robbers in the woods.

DONKEY: Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is definitely starting to sound good.

SHREK: Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.

FIONA: I need to find somewhere to camp now!

Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her.

CLIFFSIDE

Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.

SHREK: Hey! Over here.

DONKEY: Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.

FIONA: No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

SHREK: Homey touches? Like what? (he hears a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona who has torn the bark off of a tree.)

FIONA: A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. (goes into the cave and puts the bark door up behind her)

DONKEY: You want me to read you a bedtime story? Cause I will.

FIONA: I said good night!

Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona still inside.

DONKEY: Shrek, what are you doing?!

SHREK: (laughs) I just--you know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

CLIFFSIDE - LATER THAT NIGHT

Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations to Donkey. SHREK: And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields.

DONKEY: Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

SHREK: The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. (chuckles) DONKEY: Alright now I know you're making this up.

SHREK: No, look. (pointing to the stars) There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.

DONKEY: That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

SHREK: You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.

DONKEY: Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

SHREK: Our swamp?

DONKEY: You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

SHREK: We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. (turns away from Donkey)

DONKEY: You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.

SHREK: No, do ya think? (turns away again)

DONKEY: Are you hidin' something?

SHREK: Never mind, Donkey. (lies on his back)

DONKEY: Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

SHREK: No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things!

DONKEY: Why don't you want to talk about it?

SHREK: Why do you want to talk about it? (turns)

DONKEY: Why are you blocking?

SHREK: I'm not blocking. (turns)

DONKEY: Oh, yes, you are.

SHREK: Donkey, I'm warning you.

DONKEY: Who you trying to keep out?

SHREK: Everyone! Okay?!

DONKEY: (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. (grins)

At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to the cave and peaks out. Neither of them see her.

SHREK: Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and walks over to the edge of the cliff and sits down)

DONKEY: Hey what's your problem Shrek? What you got against the whole world anyway? Huh?

SHREK: Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

It's difficult to see Fiona, but she looks remorseful after hearing Shrek. She closes the door.

DONKEY: You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre.

SHREK: Yeah, I know.

DONKEY: So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

SHREK: Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small...and Annoying.

DONKEY: Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?

SHREK: That's the moon.

DONKEY: Oh, okay.

DULOC - FARQUAAD'S BEDROOM

Farquaad's room is is filled with items prepared for his wedding, including crowns and wedding outfits. Soft music plays in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic Mirror shows him Princess Fiona.

FARQUAAD: Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. (grinning)

MIRROR: Hmph. The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.

FARQUAAD: Ah. Perfect.

Farquaad looks down and pulls the sheet up to cover himself as the covers rise.

CLIFFSIDE - MORNING

Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes across a blue bird. She begins to sing, and the bird sings along with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles to keep up with her. Fiona hits a note so high that it causes the bird to explode. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Fiona is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking in his sleep.

DONKEY: (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. Come on, baby. I said I like it...

SHREK: Donkey, wake up. (shakes him)

DONKEY: Huh? What?

SHREK: Wake up.

DONKEY: What? (stretches and yawns)

FIONA: Good morning. Uh, how do you like your eggs?

DONKEY: Oh, good morning, Princess!

SHREK: What's all this about?

FIONA: You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.

SHREK: Uh, thanks.

Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.

FIONA: Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. (smiling, walks off)

SHERWOOD FOREST

The three continue their journey back to Duloc. They are walking through the forest and Shrek belches.

DONKEY: Shrek!

SHREK: What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. (laughs)

DONKEY: Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess!

Fiona belches, stopping Shrek and Donkey in their tracks.

FIONA: Thanks.

DONKEY: She's as nasty as you are.

SHREK: (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

FIONA: Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into a tree.

MONSIEUR HOOD: La liberte! Hey!

SHREK: Princess!

FIONA: Oh! Wait wait--what are you doing?!

MONSIEUR HOOD: Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses up her arm while Fiona pulls back in disgust)...beast.

SHREK: Hey! That's my princess! Go find you own!

MONSIEUR HOOD: Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

FIONA: (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

MONSIEUR HOOD: Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men! (laughs)

Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merrymen pop out from the bushes. They begin to sing along with Monsieur Hood.

MERRYMEN: Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

MONSIEUR HOOD: I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

MERRYMAN: He takes a wee percentage,

MONSIEUR HOOD: But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels, man, I'm good.

MERRYMEN: What a guy, Monsieur Hood.

MONSIEUR HOOD: Break it down. I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid...

MERRYMEN: What he's basically saying is he likes to get...

MONSIEUR HOOD: Paid! So...When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad.

MERRYMEN: That's bad. That's bad. That's bad!

MONSIEUR HOOD: When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad!

MERRYMEN: He's mad, he's really, really mad!

MONSIEUR HOOD: I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start...

Fiona swings down from the tree limb and kicks Monsieur Hood in the head, knocking him unconscious.

FIONA: Man, that was annoying!

Shrek looks at her in admiration.

MERRYMAN: Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at Fiona but she ducks out of the way)

The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to get out of the way. Fiona demonstrates her martial arts skills and easily beats up every last Merryman. The Merrymen are left on lying on the ground and Fiona walks away.

FIONA: Uh, shall we?

SHREK: Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

FIONA: What?

SHREK: That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

FIONA: (Blushing) Well...(laughs) when one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a...(gasps and points) there's an arrow in your butt!

SHREK: What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you look at that? (he goes to pull it out but flinches)

FIONA: Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

DONKEY: Why? What's wrong?

FIONA: Shrek's hurt.

DONKEY: Shrek's hurt! Shrek's hurt?! Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die!

SHREK: Donkey, I'm okay.

DONKEY: You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die! Keep your legs elevated! Turn your head and cough! Does anyone know the Heimlich?!

FIONA: Donkey! (grabs him by the ear) Calm down! If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.

DONKEY: Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

SHREK & FIONA: Donkey!

DONKEY: Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. (runs off)

SHREK: What are the flowers for?

FIONA: (like it's obvious) For getting rid of Donkey.

SHREK: Ah... (grins)

FIONA: Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. (gives the arrow a little pull)

SHREK: (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

FIONA: I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

SHREK: No, it's tender.

As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and Shrek keeps dodging her hands.

FIONA: Now, hold on.

SHREK: What you're doing is the opposite of help.

FIONA: Don't move.

SHREK: Look, time out. (puts his hand over Fiona's face)

FIONA: Would you...(moves Shrek's hand away) Okay. What do you propose we do?

ELSEWHERE

Donkey is still looking for the special flower.

DONKEY: Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.

SHREK: Ow!

DONKEY: Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a flower off a nearby bush that just happens to be a blue flower with red thorns)

THE FOREST PATH

SHREK: Ow! Not good.

FIONA: Okay. Okay. I can nearly see it. (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just about...

SHREK: Ow! Ohh!

He rolls over and Fiona lands on top of him. For a moment they stare into each other's eyes.

DONKEY: Ahem.

SHREK: Nothing happened. (throwing Fiona off of him) We were just, uh...

DONKEY: (Teasing) Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

SHREK Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just-- (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he turns to look at Fiona who holds up the arrow with a smile) Ow!

DONKEY: Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle) That's...is that blood?

Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue on their way. There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to Duloc. Shrek craws up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a small stream so that Fiona won't get wet. After crossing over, Fiona puts her hand along Shrek's back. Shrek then gets up as Donkey is just about to cross. The tree and the tree swings back into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swats and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers. Shrek catches a frog and blows it up like a balloon to give to Fiona. Fiona catches a snake, blows into its mouth, fashions it into a balloon animal and presents it to Shrek.

WINDMILL - EXTERIOR

The group arrives at an abandoned windmill on a hill overlooking Duloc.

SHREK: (Dejected)There it is, princess. Your future awaits you.

FIONA: That's Duloc?

DONKEY: Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really...(Shrek steps on his hoof)

SHREK: Um, I, uh-- I guess we better move on.

FIONA: Sure. But, Shrek? I'm -- I'm worried about Donkey.

SHREK: What?

FIONA: I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

DONKEY: What are you talking about? I'm fine.

FIONA: (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. (pause) Dead.

SHREK: You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

FIONA: Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

DONKEY: I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, (turns his neck in a very sharp way until his head is completely sideways) Ow! See?

Shrek and Fiona give each happy looks, having made up an excuse to spend more time together.

SHREK: Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

FIONA: I'll get the firewood.

DONKEY: Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! (looks down and yelps) I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.

EVENING

Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while Fiona eats.

FIONA: Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

SHREK: Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.

FIONA: No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

SHREK: Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weed rat stew. (chuckles)

Fiona looks at Duloc and sighs.

FIONA: I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

SHREK: Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare -- you name it.

FIONA: (smiles) I'd like that.

They gaze into each other's eyes longingly.

SHREK: Um...princess?

FIONA: Yes...Shrek?

SHREK: I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs) Are you gonna eat that?

Shrek points to her last piece of food. Fiona, expecting a different question, removes the weedrat while Shrek is annoyed by the words that couldn't come out. Fiona hands it to Shrek and he grabs onto her hand. The two slowly lean towards each other. Donkey interrupts the moment.

DONKEY: (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

FIONA: (jumps up) Sunset?! Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

SHREK: What?

DONKEY: Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here.

Fiona gets worried by what Donkey might say next.

DONKEY: You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?

FIONA: (Relieved) Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. (walks away)

DONKEY: Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until -- Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

Shrek groans and Fiona chuckles.

FIONA: Good night.

SHREK: Good night.

Fiona goes inside the windmill, gives Shrek a look, and closes the door. Donkey looks at Shrek with a new eye.

DONKEY: Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

SHREK: Oh, what are you talkin' about?

DONKEY: I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

SHREK: You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

DONKEY: Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.

SHREK: I--there's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know-- and I'm not sayin' I do, 'cause I don't -- she's a princess, and I'm...

DONKEY: An ogre?

SHREK: Yeah. An ogre.

DONKEY: Hey, where you goin'?

SHREK: To get...more firewood. (sighs)

Donkey looks suspiciously over at the large pile of firewood already piled up. Shrek sits on the hill and gazes out at Duloc until nightfall.

NIGHT

Donkey opens the door to the windmill and walks in. All is quiet and Fiona is nowhere to be seen.

DONKEY: Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess?

Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her clearly.

DONKEY: It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

Fiona tries to sneak away but the platform she is walking on breaks. Fiona falls from the railing and lands on a sack of flour. She gets up only but doesn't look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking out.

DONKEY: Aah!

FIONA: Oh, no!

DONKEY: No, help!

FIONA: Shh!

DONKEY: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

FIONA: No, it's okay. It's okay.

DONKEY: What did you do with the princess?!

FIONA: Donkey, I'm the princess.

DONKEY: Aah!

FIONA: It's me, in this body.

DONKEY: Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to her stomach) Can you hear me?

FIONA: Donkey!

DONKEY: (still aimed at her stomach) Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

FIONA: No!

DONKEY: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

FIONA: (Covering Donkey's mouth) Shh.

DONKEY: (Muffled) Shrek!

FIONA: This is me.

Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he calms down.

DONKEY: Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

FIONA: I'm ugly, okay?

DONKEY: Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now--

FIONA: No! I -- I've been this way as long as I can remember.

DONKEY: What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

FIONA: It only happens when sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

DONKEY: Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

FIONA: It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. (begins to cry)

DONKEY: All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7.

FIONA: But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.

DONKEY: Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

FIONA: I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

DONKEY: But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek-- well, you got a lot in common.

FIONA: Shrek?

OUTSIDE

Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his hand.

SHREK: (to himself) Princess, I-- Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and-- well, I don't really like it but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd-- uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey and Fiona talking.

FIONA: I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.

Shrek steps back in shock, misunderstanding the conversation's meaning.

FIONA: My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks away.

INSIDE:

FIONA: Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.

DONKEY: You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

FIONA: No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

DONKEY: What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

FIONA: Promise you won't tell. Promise!

DONKEY: All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should.

Donkey steps outside.

DONKEY: (to himself) I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'.

Fiona opens the door and watches him walk away. She looks down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back inside the windmill.

MORNING

Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.

FIONA: I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not...I tell him! (she quickly runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want...

Fiona looks and sees the rising sun, and as the sun crests the sky she turns back into a human. Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards her.

FIONA: Shrek! Are you all right? (puts a hand on his shoulder)

SHREK: (shrugs it off) Perfect! Never been better.

FIONA: I --I don't -- There's something I have to tell you.

SHREK: You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night.

FIONA: You heard what I said?

SHREK: Every word.

FIONA: I thought you'd understand.

SHREK: Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?"

FIONA: But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

SHREK: Yeah? Well, it does.

Fiona looks at him in shock, tears welling in her eyes. Shrek looks past her and spots a group approaching.

SHREK: Ah, right on time. Princess, I've brought you a little something.

Shrek gestures towards the group and Fiona stand with her mouth wide, Farquaad has arrived on horseback with an escort of guards. He is also wearing an outfit that disguises his shortness. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the guards march by.

DONKEY: What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (eyes a guard) (muffled) Who said that? Couldn't have been the donkey. (scurries away)

FARQUAAD: Princess Fiona.

SHREK: As promised. Now hand it over.

FARQUAAD: Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind.

Shrek snatches the deed out of the hands of a guard and walks away. Fiona is put off by this exchange.

FARQUAAD: Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I am Lord Farquaad.

FIONA: Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... (Watches as Farquaad is lifted off his horse and set down in front of her. He comes up to her waist.)...farewell (forcefully smiles).

FARQUAAD: Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings.

FIONA: No, you're right. It doesn't.

Shrek is hurt by the comment. Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.

FARQUAAD: Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

FIONA: Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make --

FARQUAAD: (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

FIONA: No!

Shrek suddenly looks back in hopes that Fiona has changed her mind,

FIONA: I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today. Before the sun sets.

FARQUAAD: Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! There's so much to do!

A guard helps Farquaad back up onto the saddle. Another guard offers Fiona assistance, but she jumps on its back by herself. She looks out at Shrek.

FIONA: (Coldly) Fare-thee-well, ogre.

Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to Duloc. Donkey watches them go.

DONKEY: Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.!

SHREK Yeah? So what?

DONKEY: Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - -

SHREK: I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?!

DONKEY: Shrek, I-- I wanna go with you.

SHREK: I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

DONKEY: But, I thought...

SHREK: Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! (stomps off)

DONKEY: Shrek.

Montage of different scenes. Shrek arrives back home. The swamp is a mess but the fairytale creatures are gone. Fiona is being fitted for her wedding dress. Shrek throws a sunflower into the fireplace. Farquaad proudly tries on his crown. Fiona stares at her wedding cake, pushing down a figure of Farquaad to show his actual height. She notices a suit of armor that reminds her of Shrek. Donkey stops by a river where he finds Dragon crying, both of them happy to see each other. Shrek and Fiona both try to eat dinner but start crying

SHREK'S HOME

Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes outside to investigate.

SHREK: Donkey? (Donkey ignores him) What are you doing?

DONKEY: (Pushing some wood around) I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.

SHREK: Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.

DONKEY: It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

SHREK: Oh! Your half. Hmm.

DONKEY: Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.

SHREK: Back off!

DONKEY: No, you back off.

SHREK: This is my swamp!

DONKEY: Our swamp.

SHREK: (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working with) Let go, Donkey!

DONKEY: You let go.

SHREK: Stubborn *******!

DONKEY: Smelly ogre.

SHREK: Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks away)

DONKEY: Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

SHREK: Well, I'm through with you. (walks off)

DONKEY: (follows him) Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

SHREK: Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

DONKEY: Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

SHREK: Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! (goes into the outhouse and slams the door)

DONKEY: Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.

SHREK: Go away!

DONKEY: There you are, doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

SHREK: Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking.

DONKEY: She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.

SHREK: (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

DONKEY: Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?

SHREK: Donkey!

DONKEY: No!

SHREK: Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh) I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?

DONKEY: Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

SHREK: Right. Friends?

DONKEY: Friends.

SHREK: So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

DONKEY: What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

SHREK: The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

DONKEY: Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. (whistles)

Suddenly Dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so they can climb on.

SHREK: Donkey?

DONKEY: I guess it's just my animal magnetism. They both laugh.

SHREK: Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a noogie)

DONKEY: All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ***. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.

They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for Duloc.

DULOC CATHEDRAL - INTERIOR

Fiona and Farquaad are standing at the altar. The church is packed with citizens. A man with a prompter card holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'.

BISHOP: People of Duloc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union....

FIONA: (eyeing the setting sun) Um-

BISHOP: ...of our new king...

FIONA: Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

FARQUAAD: (chuckles and then motions to the bishop to indulge Fiona) Go on.

DULOC CATHEDRAL - EXTERIOR

A large group of guards stand outside the cathedral on watch. Suddenly Dragon lands nearby. The guards all take off running.

DONKEY: (to Dragon) Go ahead, have some fun. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? (she nods and goes after the guards) Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?

SHREK: (At the door) What are you talking about?

DONKEY: There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

SHREK: I don't have time for this!

DONKEY: Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! (pushes Shrek against the door) Look, you love this woman, don't you?

SHREK: Yes.

DONKEY: You wanna hold her?

SHREK: Yes.

DONKEY: Please her?

SHREK: Yes!

DONKEY: (singing James Brown style) Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. (normal) The chicks love that romantic crap!

SHREK: All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

DONKEY: We gotta check it out.

INTERIOR

As the bishop talks we see Donkey through one of the windows as Shrek tosses him up so he can see.

BISHOP: And so, by the power vested in me...

EXTERIOR

SHREK: What do you see?

DONKEY: The whole town's in there.

INTERIOR

BISHOP: I now pronounce you husband and wife...

EXTERIOR

DONKEY: They're at the altar.

INTERIOR

PRIEST: ...king and queen.

EXTERIOR

DONKEY: Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

SHREK: Oh, for the love of Pete!

Shrek runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.

INTERIOR

Fiona and Farquaad are leaning in to kiss when Shrek bursts through the doors.

SHREK: (running toward the alter) I object!

FIONA: Shrek?

Fiona initially looks happily surprised to see him, but quickly becomes upset.

FARQUAAD: Oh, now what does he want?

The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek head towards the altar. They respond positively to him and begin to do "the wave".

SHREK: (to congregation) Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean.

FIONA: What are you doing here?

FARQUAAD: Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding...

SHREK: Fiona! I need to talk to you.

FIONA: Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me--(she leans over to kiss Farquaad)

SHREK: (yanks her away) But you can't marry him.

FIONA: And why not?

SHREK: Because...because he's just marrying you so he can be king.

FARQUAAD: Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

SHREK: He's not your true love.

FIONA: And what do you know about true love?

SHREK: Well, I--uh--I mean...

FARQUAAD: Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. (laughs)

Farquaad gestures to the man with the prompter card holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The whole congregation laughs.

FARQUAAD: An ogre and a princess! (laughs)

FIONA: Shrek, is this true?

FARQUAAD: Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me!

Farquaad puckers his lips and leans toward her, but she pulls back in disgust. She looks towards the window to see the setting sun.

FIONA: "By night one way, by day another." (to Shrek) I wanted to show you before.

Fiona backs up and gives Shrek a sheepish smile. As the sun sets, she changes into her ogre self. The crowd gasps and one person faints.

SHREK: Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona smiles)

FARQUAAD: Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now!

A large amount of guards run in and grab ahold of Shrek and Fiona.

FARQUAAD: Get them! Get them both!

FIONA: No, no! Shrek!

Shrek and Fiona try to grab each other's arms but are pulled away from each other. Farquaad grabs ahold of his crown and puts it on.

FARQUAAD: This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?

FIONA: No, let go of me! Shrek!

SHREK: No!

FARQUAAD: Don't just stand there, you morons.

SHREK: (knocking away a guard) Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

Shrek fights back and knocks out a few of the guards, but they are able to subdue him through sheer numbers

FARQUAAD: I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll beg for death to save you!

FIONA: No, Shrek!

FARQUAAD: (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And as for you, my wife...

SHREK: Fiona!

FARQUAAD: I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I'm king!

Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles.

FARQUAAD: I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have (looks up) -- Aaaah!

Donkey and Dragon crash through the windows and Dragon eats Farquaad, swallowing him whole. Most of the guards run away.

DONKEY: All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. (Dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on the edge!

Dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth and falls to the ground.

DONKEY: Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

The congregation cheers.

DONKEY: Go ahead, Shrek.

SHREK: Uh, Fiona?

FIONA: Yes, Shrek?

SHREK: I -- I love you.

FIONA: Really?

SHREK: Really, really.

FIONA: (smiles) I love you too.

Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes 'Awwww' on the back and shows it to the congregation. Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted up into the air and she hovers while the magic works around her.

WHISPERS: "Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form. Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell and then is slowly lowered to the ground.

SHREK: (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

FIONA: (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

SHREK: But you are beautiful.

They smile at each other.

DONKEY: (chuckles) I was hoping this would be a happy ending.

Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into...

THE SWAMP

...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm a Believer' by Smash Mouth plays in the background. Among the attendees are the fairytale creatures once banished to the swamp, as well as a few Duloc Guards. Shrek and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. They end get into a cat fight and Dragon catches the bouquet instead. Donkey looks nervous, but Shrek and Fiona give him reassuring looks. The Gingerbread Man has been mended somewhat and now has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane.

GINGERBREAD MAN: God bless us, every one.

The guests party and dance as Donkey takes over singing the song. Shrek and Fiona ride away in their carriage. Cut to a storybook that reads "And they lived ugly ever after...THE END".

DONKEY: (as he's done singing and we fade to black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

man.