oh ok thanks!
Creative Corner
Share your own art and stories, or ask for critique.
TOPIC | Lore talk! 1x1 with ofkismetandkalon
Okay, I finished reading your lore, and I really enjoyed it! There are a few spelling and punctuation errors that can make it seem a little sloppy at times, but nothing huge, and you have a lot of really good ideas! I never thought of having filigree as a result of an injury, that's really creative!
Okay, I finished reading your lore, and I really enjoyed it! There are a few spelling and punctuation errors that can make it seem a little sloppy at times, but nothing huge, and you have a lot of really good ideas! I never thought of having filigree as a result of an injury, that's really creative!
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Thanks if you wouldnt mind could you tell me where the mistakes are so I can fix them
Thanks if you wouldnt mind could you tell me where the mistakes are so I can fix them
Yup!
In Dusk's lore:
2nd paragraph "She tried to look around in the dark and was able to see dragons like her they were covered in metal, some were trying and failing to stand while others just laid defeated in the wooden crate."
I don't know if there is anything technically wrong with this, but it might sound a bit cleaner if you reworded it to something like this:
"She looked around the dark space and saw other dragons, also covered in metal. Some of them were trying and failing to stand, while others simply lay defeated in the wooden crate."
There is also a few places where you are missing commas, for example here:
" She remembers the terror she felt as she lay on the unforgiving cart the metal pushing into her sides."
edit would be:
"She remembers the terror that she felt as she lay on the unforgiving cart[b],[/b] the metal pushing into her sides."
and here:
"They were in that cart for what felt like years constantly hitting bumps causing the metal to sink further into her hide."
edit:
"They were in that cart for what felt like years, constantly hitting bumps that caused the metal to sink further into her hide."
But things like that are minor edits, they aren't really a big deal. [emoji=guardian happy size=1]
In Mahira's lore:
The main thing I noticed was when you are referring to the arcanist as god, the g should be lowercase, because he isn't the Christian God. Also not a huge fix.
For wildfire:
Only thing in here was angles should be angels.
For Kladeos:
angles to angels. :)
Once again, none of these are huge problems, and your lore is still really good! You write voice really well!
Yup!
In Dusk's lore:
2nd paragraph "She tried to look around in the dark and was able to see dragons like her they were covered in metal, some were trying and failing to stand while others just laid defeated in the wooden crate."
I don't know if there is anything technically wrong with this, but it might sound a bit cleaner if you reworded it to something like this:
"She looked around the dark space and saw other dragons, also covered in metal. Some of them were trying and failing to stand, while others simply lay defeated in the wooden crate."
There is also a few places where you are missing commas, for example here:
" She remembers the terror she felt as she lay on the unforgiving cart the metal pushing into her sides."
edit would be:
"She remembers the terror that she felt as she lay on the unforgiving cart, the metal pushing into her sides."
and here:
"They were in that cart for what felt like years constantly hitting bumps causing the metal to sink further into her hide."
edit:
"They were in that cart for what felt like years, constantly hitting bumps that caused the metal to sink further into her hide."
But things like that are minor edits, they aren't really a big deal.
In Mahira's lore:
The main thing I noticed was when you are referring to the arcanist as god, the g should be lowercase, because he isn't the Christian God. Also not a huge fix.
For wildfire:
Only thing in here was angles should be angels.
For Kladeos:
angles to angels. :)
Once again, none of these are huge problems, and your lore is still really good! You write voice really well!
In Dusk's lore:
2nd paragraph "She tried to look around in the dark and was able to see dragons like her they were covered in metal, some were trying and failing to stand while others just laid defeated in the wooden crate."
I don't know if there is anything technically wrong with this, but it might sound a bit cleaner if you reworded it to something like this:
"She looked around the dark space and saw other dragons, also covered in metal. Some of them were trying and failing to stand, while others simply lay defeated in the wooden crate."
There is also a few places where you are missing commas, for example here:
" She remembers the terror she felt as she lay on the unforgiving cart the metal pushing into her sides."
edit would be:
"She remembers the terror that she felt as she lay on the unforgiving cart, the metal pushing into her sides."
and here:
"They were in that cart for what felt like years constantly hitting bumps causing the metal to sink further into her hide."
edit:
"They were in that cart for what felt like years, constantly hitting bumps that caused the metal to sink further into her hide."
But things like that are minor edits, they aren't really a big deal.
In Mahira's lore:
The main thing I noticed was when you are referring to the arcanist as god, the g should be lowercase, because he isn't the Christian God. Also not a huge fix.
For wildfire:
Only thing in here was angles should be angels.
For Kladeos:
angles to angels. :)
Once again, none of these are huge problems, and your lore is still really good! You write voice really well!
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Wow thanks for putting the time in to do that I really appreciate it!
Wow thanks for putting the time in to do that I really appreciate it!
No problem! Were there any edits that you saw in mine?
No problem! Were there any edits that you saw in mine?
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Sorry im on my phone and im not at my house so I was going to look at it later
Sorry im on my phone and im not at my house so I was going to look at it later
Hey i finally got the chance to look over your lore and its really good. I really liked your poem! Im awful at stuff like that but yours was really nice to read! I didnt see any mistakes but I wouldnt trust me because Im not always the best at finding stuff like that! Either way A+ from me!
Hey i finally got the chance to look over your lore and its really good. I really liked your poem! Im awful at stuff like that but yours was really nice to read! I didnt see any mistakes but I wouldnt trust me because Im not always the best at finding stuff like that! Either way A+ from me!