Creative Corner

[Center][b][u]Oculto[/u][/b] [url=http://flightrising.com/main.php?dragon=35791753] [img]http://flightrising.com/rendern/350/357918/35791753_350.png[/img] [/url] Oculto is something of an oxymoron, with pastel colors coating his whole body that certainly don't match his dark personality. He has tendrils of black "smoke" that cover his body. Some swear they can even see the tendrils moving and wiggling on the imperial's body. Oculto was born on the night of a Lunar eclipse. Dark clouds even covered the stars, making the only light source around the faintly glowing mushrooms scattered here and there, filling air with pale blue light. There was but a single egg in the nest, the rest seemed... [Url=http://flightrising.com/images/nests/7/1healthy_4dead.png]dead.[/url] The last remaining egg began to hatch. When the baby imperial finally managed to push itself out of the egg, the various shadows in the forest seemed to... [i]Lean[/i] towards the hatchling. His own shadow chuckled, and de-attached itself, choosing to slink up the leg of Oculto, wrap himself around him like a playful spiral. The shadow leaped off of him, and somehow brought him the shadow of a glowshroom, placing it on Oculto's head and laughing. Oculto was blessed by the Lunar Eclipse, and gained the power of Shadow manipulation. As he grew older, he learned that shadows were sentient beings, some playful, like his own shadow. Others were brooding, vengeful, and angry. Oculto has learned how to turn shadows into solid objects, like swords, cages, and even live "shadow animals." Every shadow can talk and communicate to him. He hides his abilities for fear of persecution. Every time he is alone at night, the black smoke unravels from his body, and falls to the ground. The newfound foace of his shadow chuckles as they work their making in the moonlight. ----- [b][u]Mercedes[/u][/b] Unfinished ----- [b][u]Freya[/u][/b] Unfinished ----- @SprectralOasis Apologies for it taking so long, rest assured the other lore will be finished quicker.

@DazzlingSnek Taking a shot at this. Not anywhere near an expert, so be warned. "Oculto is something of an oxymoron, with pastel colors coating his leathery hide that certainly don't match his dark personality. He has tendrils of black "smoke" that twists and turns, creating a nonsensical pattern across him. Some swear they can even see the tendrils moving and wiggling across the imperial. Surly, it's just a trick of the eye." Don't know if you'd like to use that ^, but I wanted to see if I could write it without using "body" myself. It wasn't easy, and I'm still not liking "leathery hide." [quote]Oculto was born on the night of a Lunar eclipse. Dark clouds even covered the stars, making the only light source around the faintly glowing mushrooms scattered here and there, filling air with pale blue light. [/quote] The mushroom bit needs a few words dropped and a few added. Here's my suggestion: "Dark clouds covered the stars; the only lightsource were faintly glowing mushrooms scattered here and there, filling the air with pale blue light." [quote]There was but a single egg in the nest, the rest seemed... dead.[/quote] Just want to say I love that you used egg-rot in your lore. [quote]The last remaining egg began to hatch. When the baby imperial finally managed to push itself out of the egg, the various shadows in the forest seemed to... Lean towards the hatchling. His own shadow chuckled, and de-attached itself, choosing to slink up the leg of Oculto, wrap himself around him like a playful spiral. The shadow leaped off of him, and somehow brought him the shadow of a glowshroom, placing it on Oculto's head and laughing.[/quote] "Lean" is capitalized when it shouldn't be. The shadow goes from an "it" to a "he." Which is fine if that was intentionally done to show that, as the shadow interacted with him, Oculto started thinking of it as a being rather then an object. I don't know about anyone else, but I didn't see the shadow as benevolent when I read it. It seemed creepy and a bit deranged to me with all that laughing. The last laugh must be because it finds the shroom-hat funny, but it's vague and it could just as easily be laughing because it's crazy. Maybe describe the laugh a bit more so it leaves less to the imagination? "His own shadow chuckled—a sound of carefree delight. Detaching itself, it chose to slink up the leg of Oculto and wrap itself around him like a playful spiral. The shadow lept off of him soon after, somehow snatching a glowshroom's shadow as if it were a tangible object. It placed it on Oculto's head and laughed, the shroom-hat looking silly in its flatness. It looked more like a tattoo, really." Rewrote it in my words because I couldn't quite grasp what was bothering me about it before I typed out my last paragraph above this one (two? I don't really count the reword as one). Don't know if you'd have any use for it, but there's no point in just deleting it either. [quote]Oculto was blessed by the Lunar Eclipse, and gained the power of Shadow manipulation. As he grew older, he learned that shadows were sentient beings, some playful, like his own shadow. Others were brooding, vengeful, and angry. Oculto has learned how to turn shadows into solid objects, like swords, cages, and even live "shadow animals." Every shadow can talk and communicate to him. He hides his abilities for fear of persecution. Every time he is alone at night, the black smoke unravels from his body, and falls to the ground. The newfound foace of his shadow chuckles as they work their making in the moonlight. [/quote] Inconsistency, "Lunar Eclipse" is capitalized here where it's only half capitalized in the other paragraph. I'm awful at figuring out what should and shouldn't be capitalized, but I'm pretty sure that shouldn't be. Nor should the beginning of "Shadow manipulation," as that's like capitalizing superstrength or mind-reading. "Foace" is supposed to be "face" too, I'm guessing. "As he grew older, he learned that shadows were sentient beings—some playful, like his own, others brooding, vengeful, and angry." Suggestion! Not sure if this was intentional either, but negative/positive traits ratio is 3:1, and "playful" could be argued as neutral. It makes it seem like, generally, most shadows aren't the benevolent type. All in all, I liked it. It's short but covers his backstory well. As syrups said, keep it up! And feel free to ping me if you'd like some more critique when you finish those other ones I see you're working on. Edit: Caught two more little things rereading your lore. [quote]There was but a single egg in the nest, the rest seemed... dead. The last remaining egg began to hatch. When the baby imperial finally managed to push itself out of the egg, the various shadows in the forest seemed to... Lean towards the hatchling. [/quote] "Egg" is a bit redundant. [quote]Every shadow can talk and communicate to him. [/quote] Awkward sounding. Generally, it's communicate [i]with[/i] and talk [i]to[/i], so the end sounds weird. You could just shorten it to one of the two, but neither by itself captures the whole picture. I'd suggest "Every shadow can talk to and communicate with him." Still doesn't seen quite right to me, but I think it sounds a bit better.

@AnonEclipse
Thank you for the critique! When the next story is finished, is it okay if I ping you?

@DazzlingSnek
No problamo. And yeah, feel free to ping me!

@dazzlingsnek

I love the lore! You did misspell my username as SprectralOasis instead of spectralOasis so it didn't ping me jsyk!