SKATEBOARD

When I was 14 things started to happen to me, I started to adopt alien thoughts and feelings. Ones that were not associated with adult thoughts and maturity, but with pariahs and rejects, incredibly disgusting, wretched, paralyzing thoughts about myself, about what I wanted, about who I was.

Thoughts of abuse, thoughts of harming those close to me, moral diviancy. Thoughts that if i shared them with a close friend it could begin to break the friendship. They started small and i tried to ignore them, but slowly they started to snowball. A suggestive whisper in my head became confident speech, than boisterous shouting, the more I tried to engage with and defuse this voice the more I struggled with it.The more I tried to prove to myself that it was wrong the further its claws sunk into me.

It began to creep into the real world, I started holding my breath during conversations, closing my eyes at sights the voice would latch onto. It started to become more accusatory, it said that not only these thoughts were indicative of a future of bad behaviour, but a past.

It said i was guilty, not soon but now, that i already have completed these misdeeds. Sitting in my basement at my computer that said my shift key on my computer had been contaminated with evil, that if i spent more than 10 seconds with my bare hands on anything that i would be contaminated too, so I listened because there was no other option because arguing with it only made it worse. I began counting down from ten while i was in the basement, if I wasn't out by the time I hit one bad things would happen. Which ones? I'm not very sure, I can't say. I stopped using the shift key on my computer, instead of shift scrolling I would zoom out or drag to another part of the timeline I stopped using photoshop it was a relic of my past sins. These things that heeded within me for too long, they were beginning to boil over, day after day, night after night, trying to pretend i was living a ordinary life

But i wasn't.

His voice was inside of me and isn't anything that's inside of me... me?

It all came to a head one day. I stayed silent for a few minutes then burst into tears, it all started spraying out of me like i was a fire hydrant broken open, I told my mom what I thought I was. I told her i was worried that i was a monster, that a life in my mind may not be worth living.

That i was doomed to fail.