Helianthus

I shouldn't be here. My earliest memory is death. Not mine, but my brother's. Tantalus. I'm sorry, Big Brother, that saving my life cost you yours.

It was so long ago, and I've had so many nightmares about it, that I don't know what's true and what's a dream anymore. But in my mind's eye, it's clear as day.

The sky was a dark, dark blue high above Mistral Bleak. I was playing in the gardens outside Warrior's Rest. Hide and seek with my nestmates in the bamboo. I knew my parents had been worrying, distantly I knew there were extra guards posted. But chiefly, I knew my Big Brother was visiting.

He'd dined with the family the night before, all seven of us around a table in Mother, Father, and Aav's rooms. I was pressed to my Big Brother's side, breathing in the scent of Crow and sky. He told us stories of his travels as we ate, until we nearly fell asleep at the table. And he'd promised to play with us the next day.

So we played hide and seek under the blue sky, oblivious to the danger stalking us. I shouldered my way through the bamboo, ears pricked for any little noise. There! Behind me. The proud child of warriors, I only wobbled a little as I spun around ready to pounce.

But before me was a figure I had never seen before, sunlight gleaming on wide spread wings and dark blades. She lunged for me and I only stared.

Tantalus scooped me out of the way, blade sinking deep into the joint where wing met body. He jerked back, his claws raised. The arm around me tightened, as the assassin came at us again. He caught it in his armored hand and I felt the blow reverberate through his body and into mine. His claw tips scraped along the metal. The blade shifted against his palm. There was a twist and her blade severed his thumb from his hand. It bit into his neck. Blood sprayed my face and I heard my brother choking. His clawed hand lashed out, puncturing between her ribs. The assassin's eyes widened, Tantalus twisted his hand and she fell, her heart shredded.

I remember pressing my small hands to a wound they couldn't possibly cover. I remember his blood squirting between my fingers, fever hot and so bright against the blue sky.

I remember my brother's bloody fingers on my cheek and his smiling green eyes as he told me to be strong. That he would always watch over me.

I remember when those green eyes no longer saw me. Or anything at all.

I don't remember being found, or cleaned up, or how Tantalus' body was laid out in the highest reaches for his soul to fly free before our Aav, Saiful, lit it ablaze. But on the eve of Tantalus' funeral three days later I remember the scents of oil and ash, ink and fire. My Aav, Saiful, carried me on his hip, his pink eyes red-rimmed. He transcribed my sorrow, my childish regret onto a slip of paper. Just the words "I'm sorry, Big Brother."

I knew it wasn't enough then, but I didn't know the words for guilt and grief I do now. All I knew was that it was my fault my brother was gone.

I pulled out my own purplish primary, the same as Father's and so small, so different from the deep red of Tantalus to hang next to my brothers on his funeral lantern. There was a little of my blood on the shaft of the feather. Aav helped me tie my scroll to the lantern. I remember Father's grave face, the tear tracks on Mother's cheeks. I remember how my siblings didn't understand what I knew all too well as they asked where Tantalus had gone. And Aav's bright eyes hollowed with love and pain every time he looked at me.

In the long days after Tantalus' lantern disappeared into the gloaming over the nameless sea, I have better come to understand the events that led to that day. How my mother's mother, a hateful witch, sought revenge against her new family. How Tantalus came to warn us, and was hunting the assassin in the bamboo grove while we played. How he took her life before he fell, though any one of his wounds should have ended his.

Even now, my brother's spirit walks with me. He is in the wind that guides my wings And I will never forget him.