John

TAZ: BALANCE SPOILERS BELOW

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John: Is there something you wanna know, Merle?

Merle: Yeah, there is something I’d like to know. Are you my friend?

Travis: Not what I was expecting.

Griffin: But very f*cking good, give me a minute, I’m reeling a bit…

The smile drops from his face. He stand up and I think he reaches out his hand with the fire, but he pulls it back down, and he kinda shakes his head and says-

John: What am I doing?

To have friendship, Merle, it requires you to… love someone and be invested in your shared happiness and these things, Merle: friendship, love, happiness? They’re all so… small. In the grand scheme of things, they last a second and I just don’t… [sigh] What brings you happiness, Merle? I know the game is over, but what brings you joy? Please Merle, give me this freebie.

Merle: What brings me joy is… life. I think you can find joy anywhere in life, I think it’s a conscious choice. I think you choose joy in life. And no matter how bad things are, no matter how crummy, no matter how dark, no matter how many times some guy named John kills your a**- you find joy. I’ve found joy, honest to God, getting to know you. I’ve found joy playing chess with you. I have enjoyed-I haven’t enjoyed you know, getting my a** killed, but I find joy in whatever I do. I don’t always do things right, and I don’t always do things smart, and I don’t always do a character voice, but whatever I do, I find joy in it.

Because at the end of the day, that’s all you got. It’s looking back on the joy you had, and the joy you found, and the joy you gave other people.

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John: You’re a man of the cloth, Merle, certainly you’ve wondered too about what awaits our consciousness after death or- What am I saying? I’ve given you a first-hand experience a few times in this very room. Perhaps for some people who think about it, there’s nothing but infinite oblivion, the eternal erasure of your consciousness, or for some it’s eternal life and their God’s glorious kingdom, or eternal cycling through all the inhabitants of their world. Any of these options, Merle, any of them are just- erasure, or contentment, or revival, any of them are fine as abstract concepts.

But eternity, Merle, eternity? You can’t possibly conceive the length of eternity, Merle. I have. It’s maddening and hopeless, but it’s this burden we’re all saddled with from the moment of our creation. It’s a finish line that, by its definition, will never arrive. It stretches forever and ever, it’s too ambivalent to even taunt those trapped behind it. It is the cruel price of existence, Merle, and it is too horrible to bear once you’ve seen it. Existence, Merle, life, is horrible. To exist, to live, is horrible.

Merle: I… don’t think I want to hang out with you anymore, John. I think I’m gonna take off. And you can continue wallowing in your sadness and your oblivion, seeing nothing but the negative, and I’m gonna go on my way. And I’ll tell you what, if we ever meet each other somewhere in infinity, you can apologize to me and tell me you were wrong.