Nine

Lore notes:

Anxious and tired all the time. Grapples a lot with the past and the present. The clan is not safe for her, but she cannot leave. Has difficulty talking to others. Spends a lot of her free time being anxious and guilty. In her silence, guilt and fear eats her up from the inside.
Clings onto the past, and she can't let go.

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What are you doing?

Oh, you know. Checking on them again. Guess my guilt never died.

Again? You miss them that much? Damn, you're pathetic. Just let go.

Hah... yeah. I know it's weird as hell, but I can't help it sometimes. I guess that's just how I cope with my feelings.

You hurt them. You recognized your mistake, and you apologized. They may not have forgiven you, but that's the end of the story. Don't try to dig up something that's better off dead.

But...

But what? You know you'll only make it awkward if you try to reach out to them.

I know. But I've been alone with you for so long now. I want to talk to someone, even if it's them. They'd understand. They know the feeling of loneliness so well.

Doesn't matter. You have to grit your teeth and stay away. You've been doing that all your life, anyway. Why are you having such a hard time doing that now?

You know I have guilt over everything.

Look, I know I've been a burden to you emotionally for as long as I've existed. But we're stuck together, no matter what either of us feel about it. It's my responsibility to keep you safe. And right now, I'm telling you to stop mourning over your past with them and move the hell on with your life.

...yeah, I suppose. Even so, that doesn't get rid of the guilt.

Then burn it, tear it down, bury it, forget about it. This is the one time that we can't let guilt win. Both of our lives depend on escaping it.

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I feel... ugh. How would you describe it? Numb? No, I feel quite bitter and sad. I would probably feel almost nothing if I were truly numb. Maybe... disappointment is the best thing to call it. The disappointment I have for myself. The exhaustion I have for the world. The fear I have for what others will say.

I'd like to say that I try. But I stumble so much and make so many mistakes to the point that I think I would be lying if I did. Where is that person who was so diligent with their work? Where is that person who didn't live with constant mental exhaustion? Where did that hope die?

I feel tired. So tired. And I feel like that road I'm on heads on forever and ever, into the fog and out of sight. Whether it leads up or down, I don't know. I don't know if I really care anymore, either. Wherever this road leads, I have to follow it. There's no turning back now.

Ma, if you're still around, I'm so sorry. I don't know what to do.

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Feeling kind of distraught. Not going to say the reason why but... I want to bury my head in my blankets and pretend the world doesn't exist. The future feels dark. So dark. She is long gone, and yet... no, I have to stop myself from thinking like this.
I'm okay. I'm okay.
I'm safe, I'm healthy, and I'm not hurt.
If I need help, there are caring people around me who are there for me.
I'll find a way through this, somehow.
Somehow.
Ugh.
Seven, how do you do this? How do you have the strength to put on a smile- fake as it is- on your face everyday? Even though we're out of the woods, I still feel so trapped. It's like I'm heaving my body towards a future that I can't even see. Seven, do you have any hope for the future? What do you cling onto? Is there anything that you can hold onto?

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