dandumlucem

Despite the fact that my heart was shattered and stomped on by the person I named her after and wrote this about, she still holds a very special place in my heart- although they never will again.

(2022)

It's been four years since I wrote this and three since this person left my life. I've gotten rid of everything else I've ever had from this person, every reminder, every materialistic item, every picture or digital memory but Dandum I hold on to because she means something to me that person never did and never will.

I was naive, wide eyed-innocent, and hopeful even despite everything I had been through and this is a part of me I wish I could've held on to but time and life would never allow me that luxury so I keep Dandum in stead of the person I used to be. Sounds quite jaded, it made me laugh and cringe a little typing it but it's true, I wish for her to embody and represent the pieces of me that I had to put to rest to be okay again and heal. Unfortunately, I viewed much of the time I spent with this person and the person themselves through rose colored glasses- a common mistake- and learned the hard way the hell they put me through and I have continually had to separate myself and my found family from.

At the time I wrote this I never thought I would feel this way and I often pride myself as someone who does not carry hatred and is forgiving but I have learned and had to teach myself that forgiveness is earned, not freely given and I can choose when and how much and that hatred is an emotion that is okay to carry and feel for those rightly deserved- it is also earned and not freely given. To put it simply: this person I will not forgive, they do not deserve that right, and I have made the choice to wipe from my narrative, they have no right to my thoughts nor my life.

But DandumLucem I will work hard to reclaim. For myself now and myself then.

061322

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(written October 06, 2018)

Her name is DandumLucem, which is Latin for light giving. She reminds of someone I like and care for very much who has brought a lot of light to what used to be and still somewhat is a very dark part of my life. To me, she is the embodiment of a sunrise after a dark night of chaotic thoughts and howling winds. Just as this person I love brings light to my darkness, her colors symbolize the rising sun and the light it brings. However, they also represent the setting sun and the demons that follow closely behind its midnight skies. Her accent also depicts the shadows that come with the absence of that light and the chaos and thoughts that come in tow.

The person she reminds me of loves sunsets and the color orange. He has his own fair share of demons and just as he helps me with mine, I try my best to help him and stand by his side. To me, instead of calling him my universe, the stars in my sky, the moon, I tell him he's my sun. The sun gives life to everything here on Earth- without it, we'd basically be nothing. And that's what I feel he does for me. He's my sun- he's given me light, he's given me a new perspective, he gives me life. Without him, I'd never have learned and realized that I am not what others say and I am enough, even when I feel like I'm nothing and the lowest of the low. Without him, I'd never have learned that I am something when others tell me I'm nothing and no one.

As a dragon embodiment of this person, I find her special and I hope to spoil her as much as possible in the future just as I hope to spoil them.

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