Thalia

What we really need is an adaptation of the original 1740 The Beauty and the Beast

So were you aware that the The Beauty and the Beast story we all know is a heavily abridged and rewritten version of a much longer novella by Gabrielle-Suzanne Barbot de Villeneuve? And that a lot of the plot holes existing in the current versions exist because the 1756 rewrite cut out the second half of the novella, which consisted entirely of the elaborate backstory that explains all the weird **** that happened before? And that the elaborate backstory is presented in a way that’s kind of boring because the novel had only just been invented in 1740 and no one knew how they worked yet, but contains a bazillion awesome ideas that beg for a modern retelling? And that you are probably not aware that the modern world needs this story like air but the modern world absolutely needs this story like air? Allow me to explain:
The totally awesome elaborate backstory that explains Beauty and the Beast

Once upon a time there was a king, a queen, and their only son
But while the prince was still in his infancy, in a neat reversal of how these fairy tales usually go, the king tragically died, leaving his wife to act as Regent until their son reaches maturity
Unfortunately, the rulers of all the lands surrounding them go, “Hmm, the kingdom is ruled by a woman now, it must be weak, time for an invasion!”
And the Queen goes, “Well, if I let some general fight all these battles for me, he’ll totally amass enough fame and power to make a bid for the throne; if I want to protect my son’s crown, I have no choice but to take up arms and lead the troops myself!”
(Btw, I want to stress that this woman is not Eowyn or Boudica and nothing in the way her story is presented suggests that she had any interest martial exploits before or in any way came to enjoy them during these battles. This is a perfectly ordinary court lady who would much rather be embroidering altar covers for the royal chapel and playing with her child until necessity made her go, “Oh no, this sucks, I guess I have to become a Warrior Queen now” and she just happened to kick *** at it anyway.)
And the Queen totally kicked ***, but the whole “twice as good for half the credit” thing meant that no matter how many battles she won, potential enemies refused to take her and her army seriously until she had defeated them so no sooner would she fend off one invasion than another one would pop up on a different border.
So she spent the majority of her young son’s life away from the castle leading armies, but it was OK because she left him in the care of her two best friends, who just happen to be fairies! This was an awesome idea because a) fairies have magic, and therefore are like the best people to protect the prince from any threats and b) fairies consider themselves to be so above humanity that the lowest fairy outranks the highest mortal, so they’d have no interest in taking a human throne. Good thing they were both good fairies instead of one good and one evil one!
(Spoiler: they were not both good fairies.)
So the two fairies basically take turns raising the prince until he’s old enough to rule. And on the eve of his twenty-first birthday, the evil older one comes into the prince’s bedroom.
“So listen, kid. You’re about to become king, your mother’s on her way home from the war to see you crowned, and I have a third piece of good news for you! You see, I’ve actually been spending so much time here lately because Fairyland’s become a bit too hot to hold me for reasons totally not related to me being secretly evil. And if I have to hang in the human world, I might as well reside in the upper echelons of it, so even though as a powerful fairy I completely eclipse your puny human status in a staggeringly unimaginable way, since you’re about to be king and since my premonition that I should stick this whole guardianship thing out because you would be hot one day has totally proved accurate (go me), I will graciously lower myself to allowing you to marry me. Please feel free to grovel at my feet in gratitude. (Btw, we can totally start the wedding night now, we’ll tell your mother about it when she arrives tomorrow.)”

Now the prince, being a day shy of 21, doesn’t care about the fairy’s rank so much as the fact that, even though fairies go thousands of years without aging, this particular one has been around for so many millennia that she actually looks like an old woman, and not like Helen Mirren old, but, like, ugly old crone old.
But between his mom’s letters and visits and the influence of the good fairy, he has managed to be raised right, so instead of saying this aloud he goes,
“But … you raised me? Like … almost from a baby? You’re like … my aunt?”
And just like an anonymous dude on an online dating site, the rejection drives her NUTS. She starts flipping tables and screaming about how dare he insult her and finally she transforms him into a hideous beast and puts these stipulations on the curse:
It can only be broken if a beautiful maiden comes to him, of her own free will, fully believing that he is going to eat her (because monster), and then later agrees to marry him, out of duty, again of her own free will and not because he threatened her or bribed her or told her anything about his real identity or what’s actually going on. Oh, and if he uses his charm and courtly manners to woo her and win her over it doesn’t count either, bye!
So then the good fairy shows up the next morning for the coronation, she finds the grounds empty, the court and servants fled, and a hideous monster roaming the halls wailing, “Why did this happen to MEEEEE?” and she’s like, “What the **** did I miss?”
But once she’s caught up, the good fairy is like, “OK, chill, I got this.”
And the Beast is all, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU GOT THIS THIS CURSE IS UNBREAKABLE!”
“No, it’s cool, I have a plan. So first, I’m gonna conjure you some invisible spirits of the air to replace your human servants, because, as a prince, you can’t live without the service due to your station, right?”
And the Beast is all, “Yes, this is the 1700s so having servants is even more vital to my identity than a human body, that is absolutely the top priority I’m glad we’re on the same page here. Also, good thing you’re not turning my human servants into moving furniture, cause that would be weird.” *looks pointedly at 1756 version*
“Cool. So now that we’ve solved the most pressing emergency of you potentially having to feed and dress yourself, the long-term plan: The reason I haven’t been around so much is that I’ve been popping off to look in on this other child of a friend of mine, a half-fairy changeling girl being raised by human merchants, and she’s not only gorgeous, but very dutiful and good and I think she’s just the person to break this spell. Plus if the plan works and she ends up married to you, the king, I will have fulfilled my promise to her mother that I would take care of her. Two birds, one stone.”
“And she’s, like, my age?”
“Yes.”
“Cool, cool, liking the plan. But how do we get her to come here believing that I’m going to eat her?”
“Well, her foster-dad lost all his money a few years back, but he just found out that one of his ‘lost’ ships came in after all and he was about to leave to check it out when I left them. He asked all his girls what they wanted him to bring back for them, and Beauty only asked for a rose. So, I’ll use my magic to make sure he can’t find a rose in the city, and get him lost around here on his way back. You put him up for the night and make sure he leaves past the rose garden - he’ll obviously pick one, then you can freak out and call him a thief and say you’re going to eat him but will let him go say good-bye to his daughters first. When she hears the story, Beauty will definitely come in his place because she’s the one who asked for the rose. But when she gets here, you will instead become such an incredibly good host that she’ll eventually feel obligated to marry you via the rules of hospitality. Oh! And I’ll enchant some of the rooms with, like, self-playing instruments and mirrors that let her watch the opera and stuff so she’ll totally love it here.”
“This sounds great! Thank you, good fairy, I’d never be able to do this alone.”
“Right. The only thing you have to remember is: Don’t Be Charming. No flowery compliments, no witty banter, nothing.”
“But I’m a prince! All I do is charm!”*
“Hold it in.”
And that’s all the backstory, but before we go I just want to mention that the Warrior Queen Mother shows up while all of this is being explained to Beauty and she’s all, “Thank you so much for saving my son, but he can’t marry you, your dad’s a merchant.” And the prince is like, “No, I’m marrying her.” And the fairy’s like, “She’s half-fairy.”
Then it’s all, “No seriously, you can’t marry a peasant.” And “No seriously, my twenty-first birthday passed at like the start of the curse, I’m technically the king now, and you can’t actually stop me.” “Fairies outrank everybody.”
And they’re at a stalemate until the Fairy gives an exasperated sigh and is like, “I stand by my assertion that fairies outrank everybody to the point where in marrying a half-fairy your son would be marrying up, but would it help if Beauty’s biological dad was a lowly human king? Cause he was.” “Yes, that … fixes everything.” “Great. Well, I’m gonna head on back to Fairyland and work on getting that evil fairy arrested and becoming powerful enough to turn into a snake**, so, uh, I’m not coming to the wedding but don’t think I won’t curse you if you don’t invite me anyway, bye!” grumbling: “stupid humans”
Fin

*this is presented as a legitimate plot-point, that charming the pants off Beauty when they meet for dinner is something the prince actively has to resist to the point where he’s eventually afraid to say anything to her other than, “Will you marry me today?” lest something clever or flattering slip out.

**There was a lot of internal politics and machinations of the various fairies that the humans were basically pawns in that I cut out, especially from Beauty’s backstory, and a surprising amount of that revolved around who had and had not become powerful enough to turn into a snake. Lifegoals, apparently