Aurum

Aurum clutches a coffee in one hand and a stack of papers in the other. They’re extremely boring papers that no one wants to read, especially not first thing in the morning. He shuffles into his office and nudges the door closed behind him with his foot. He gets half way to his desk before realising there’s already someone else in here. With a squeal of fright, he hurls papers and coffee into the air. There’s a string of expletives that can be summarised with “who are you and how did you get in here?”

The stranger perched upon the desk jumps to his feet and holds up his hands, “I’m so sorry, your Highness, I didn’t mean to startle you!”

Aurum doesn’t bother picking up his papers, they’re all coffee stained and ruined now. “If that were true, you would’ve made an appointment instead,” he sneers.

“Well, I tried, but your receptionist said it would take months and...” the stranger trails off.

“Yes, I obviously don’t want any bloody knights in here. Get out before I have you arrested.” Aurum crosses his arms and fixes the intruder with a piercing stare.

“I can’t, I’m on a quest to bring you home. It was given to me directly by Her Royal Majesty Herself.”

The armour on this knight seems to be mostly decorative, flimsy and undented. Aurum can’t see any marks or signs of fatigue on either the attire or personage. “Draw your sword,” he commands. The intruder does as he’s told, laying the blade flat across his outstretched palms. There’s not a single knick or scratch on it. This knight has clearly never been in a fight. The sword looks expensive though; it’s amazing that bandits didn’t even try to mug him. Aurum wonders if they left him alone because they felt sorry for him. “Tell me,” Aurum says, “have you ever had any sort of trouble with the Court?”

The knight looks taken aback. “I uhh...” He considers for a few moments, then a sheepish sort of grimace passes over him. “There may have been one incident where I tripped over someone’s robe.”

“And? Whose robe?”

“The Duchess Carmilla, and I may have accidentally pushed her into a punch bowl.” He winces, sheathing his sword.

“Well, there you have it.” Aurum gestures towards the knight as if this explains his entire existence. “This isn’t a real quest, it’s a punishment for your incompetence, and for the insult to an aristocrat.”

“No! Others have been sent to look for you, and I was sent after they failed!”

Aurum cackles.

“The others never returned,” the knight continues, desperate cracks creeping into his voice, “no one knows what happened to them!”

A hand over his heart, Aurum says with the tone of a condescending grandmother, “bless your cotton socks! I know exactly what happened to the others.” He passes the knight and moves to take the chair behind his desk. “This situation right here happened. One became a blacksmith. Another went into banking. I think the last one settled down and had some children.”
The knight splutters. Aurum leans back in his chair, fingers steepled, and carries on. “I mean really, look at you. You’ve clearly never seen combat, so realistically why would my mother send you alone?”

“It-it was a chance for me to prove myself!”

Aurum chuckles. “No, honey. I suggest you start looking for a new job.”

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Gilead

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