Lavellan

Pride in a Mages Power (needs rewriting!! do it hooves, yeesh..)

All she could think about was the blood and the cold and the darkness. The violence that had stolen over him, no. Over them. She had been warned of what may come if she chose to ally with them, if she stayed true to her wanting to save them all.

But she had been too prideful to listen, and too ashamed to look him in the eye and tell him she was not what she seemed. And now as her shackles chafed at her wrists, as the cold, rusted iron bonds kept her from leaving the dank cell she was lost in, she let out a sob as she remembered another.

"Cullen. Find me, please." She begged to the empty air around her, shifting as best she could through her dislocated shoulder and broken wrist, courtesy of her captors. She sobbed once more as she thought on what had happened, of how these Templars had managed to take her. Time was gone where she was, there were no windows to gauge the daylight and no candles that would wick away the hours.

Serris thought it might be better that way, not knowing how long she had been in this pit where they kept her. Cracking an eye when she heard the small scratching of the mice she shared the cell with, she smiled tiredly at her only companions and lifted her good arm, waving her fingers and muttering a few words in Elven, her home tongue. Her mice glowed a shallow blue as she pushed her platinum hair from away from her face, uncaring for the rats nest it had become now.

"Skyhold is far, small ones. The crows know where to go. Find them, and deliver my message, lead them to me. Lead him to me." She whispered, begged, to them, giving the three mice the crumbs of bread she had saved from what felt like days ago.

Looking past the iron cage that housed her, she saw the splintered remains of her staff, once imbued with her magic and that of her clan Keeper, Serris was sad to see the ruin it had become. She could no longer hear the trill that called to her from it, and the loss made her feel so very naked with her magic. But she refocused on the mice, all sitting before her and awaiting her next direction. With a smooth, yet slow wave she bid them off and they skittered along the stone below her as quickly as they could. She soon slumped after seeing them disappear, her chains scritching angrily along the stone floor.

It was just as well, she thought, when the heavy wooden door creaked open just as the mice disappeared into their niches, the armored boots clinking as they slapped against the ground. "You ready to talk now, oh great Inquisitor?" His tone was mocking, and instead of answering with words she had used to encourage those who followed her, she sat as straight as she was able, head held high and chin thrust out defiantly. She no longer cared that they had cut off the tips of her ears to leave them scarred and bleeding, but their laughing and scathing knife-ears resounded in her head and made her all the more proud of her heritage. At least when he was standing over her, but when she was alone again her sorrow would well back up.

The man, his voice heavy Ferelden, growled at her angrily as Serris refused to answer him. Gripping her torn tunic in his hands he lifted her to her feet and thrust her against the stone wall behind them, her head slamming forward against him to break his nose in return. Purple eyes glittered angrily as the man yelled his agony, then dropped her to nurse his bleeding self, but he delivered a swift and brutal kick into her ribs before leaving. She curled into herald, trying to regain her breath, but Serris found it was a losing battle to stay awake then.

Serris was unsure how long he had been gone, but when he returned she defied him, her face even and unmoving as the stone below her. And she bit her tongue as he used his boots to put her in her place, as he so put it. "And yer kind wonder why we beat ya!" He taunted her, and while the anger welled up she did her best to push it down and not react. When she didn't, the man spit on her and left, slamming his boot against her face before leaving.

Not for the first time did Serris wish she had learned to heal from Solas or the other mages at Skyhold. And when she was certain the man was gone did she allow the dark sadness that had begun to cloud her mind take her down, down into the depths of her dreams and into the memories she longed to stay within. Down where she would be whole and the bruises would be gone. Where she could see his face, so caring and gentle.

Serris woke to the sounds of fighting echoing down the hall she knew was outside the door, and she heard the screaming from the door as well. But she lay where she was, feeling the chains around her wrists as though they were so much heavier than the iron they were. A voice bellowed, one she recognized but her tired mind would not put name nor face to it, and a feminine voice called a warning. They were just outside her door, and when she cracked an eye she could see the light of torches from underneath the door becoming brighter.

She saw the mice she had asked help from race to her, avoiding the straw they slept in as they dashed to her. But she could not feel their magic even as she tried to reach out to them, her own depleted and making her exhaustion feel all the worse. The steps that were outside her cell passed on by, and she closed her eyes tightly as tears slipped past her lashes.

"She's here! Fetch Commander Cullen, now!" A voice hazily reached her as the lock on the door was fumbled with, female and oh so familiar to her. The accent was unmistakable and she whispered to the air around her as Cassandra tried to open the heavy door keeping them from her. But when it crashed open and Serris rolled onto her side as best she could, it was not Cassandra she saw but another running through the doorway and sliding to her side in the muck that coated the floor.

She was pulled up from the floor, uncaring for any of her injuries, as strong arms wrapped around her and gripped her as tightly as they could. Serris felt as though she could breath again as his masculine scent roused her further from her dreary state, and she wept with a fervor into the feathers that covered his armor, clenching at the polished metal with her unbroken hand. "I'm sorry!" Cullen apologized over and over as he held her close, his voice strained and relieved all at once.

After Serris had been freed from the shackles, she stood and leaned against Cullen heavily, but refused when he offered to carry her out and to the horses. "Please understand, Cullen. I'm not a soldier that was captured for information, I'm-" she was cut off by his angry sigh, though as they walked further he was still gentle as he helped her, Cassandra at her right also huffing irritably.

"You are a person! Your title matters little in comparison to the weeks you were missing and those who came will care just as little seeing you need help." He told her, frustrated as she adamantly wished to walk to the horses. "Cullen, I do believe we may come to an agreement with the fact she will ride with you back to Skyhold. And if yet more refusals persist we will gladly leave you to balance atop the war horses we all but stole from our own stables in our hurry. Should she fall, we have rope that will keep her seated I am sure." Cassandra muttered a few obscenities as Serris jokingly replied that might be suitable. Her heart felt so unburdened now, and her humor returned as she fought to bulk up a facade for those who awaited her return.

It didn't take long to reach the horses, and Serris smiled as she saw them within the ramparts and not in the courtyard where she would have left them, if only to avoid the angry words thrown at her later should they have been injured. And she chuckled tearfully as she saw Cullen had rode in with her favorite grullo mare, closing her eyes as Cassandra left to gather up her own charge and see that those who would be staying behind were well outfitted for their duration.

Cullen left her with the mare, and she leaned against the tall war mount as tiredly as she had against Cullen, stroking the mares shoulder comfortingly as she pressed her nose against her coat and allowed a few more tears to mix into her shoulder. She hadn't heard Cullen return until he had gently gripped her good shoulder and turned her around to fully take in her condition.

He looked over each and every bruise and cut on her face, cupping her cheek gently in one hand as Serris looked away from him and to the ground. Her heart was both terrified of what he might do or say and wanted to leap into him to spill the darkest moments into his ears to ease the aching within. But when he pushed her hair back to reveal her once pointed ears, she closed her eyes as her chin trembled when Cullen froze at the sight of the gory injuries. "They... They cut your ears off?" He questioned as though he didn't truly believe what was before his eyes.

He pulled her into him gently after Serris refused to answer, holding her carefully now as she wept softly against his chest. He would never understand what it might be like to lose something that made one stand out for who they truly were, but Cullen had always known Serris was so very proud of her lineage, of her elven heritage. "Perhaps the healers can fix them, Serris. We will fix this." He promised her, but she felt in her heart that nothing would fix this as time passed; she would overcome it, yes, but she knew she would never again be who she had been before.

"Cullen, I'm glad it was you. It was your words and my memories of us that held me together. Thank you." She told him quietly, and he hugged her tighter in response before he stepped back and began unbuckling the saddle from the mare. After instructing a few of the soldiers who would be staying behind to bring the saddle back with a pack horse that would be sent to them later, he helped Serris up onto the horses back after leading both to a set of stairs, making it easier for Serris to slide into place behind her withers rather than be all but tossed up and over. Cullen followed suit, sitting close behind Serris and reaching around to grip the reins, leading the mare toward the group that would be heading home as well.

Serris leaned back against Cullen as her exhaustion made her light headed, and she felt him move his head to look down at her. He spoke to Cassandra when she moved up next to them on her own horse. Serris wasn't sure what they said as she let herself fall into the most fitting slumber she had caught in weeks. She felt Cullen wrap an arm around her waist before she drifted through her dreams.

Serris jolted awake as her eyes shot open and looked around her quickly, her breathing labored and quick as her terror slowly dissipated. Closing her eyes as she calmed her breathing, she heard Cullen turning beside her, mumbling something before falling silent once more. Sliding her feet from the sheets and onto the cool ground below she leaned forward onto her knees and placed her face in one hand, reliving her nightmare still as it danced behind her eyes. Her trip back to Skyhold had been slow and agonizing for her, but she knew it was best to take it easy on her return in her condition. That and Cullen had all but shouted when she had requested they press on and return home as quickly as possible.

When they had made it home, she had been ushered off by Josephine to the healers, though she had requested she see Solas if he was available first. Josephine had been about to decline her until Cullen had interceded them, whispering to the Lady Ambassador that he would explain things at another time, and she reluctantly let Cullen and Serris leave to see their other resident Elven Mage. And after Cullen had left them did Serris pull the hood she had been wearing back from her face, revealing the shorn edges of her ears to the man she shared some heritage with.

His words still rang through her mind even now, and tears threatened to fall. It had been three weeks since her return and still she felt so segregated from everyone. "I am sorry, my Lady. I cannot return what.. What they have taken from your physical body. It is not within my power to recreate what the Gods had made. I can heal all else but this." He had been so understanding with her since she had asked his help, and she had allowed him to heal all he could over the next few days, though they had met in her quarters each session. Serris had moreover refused to leave her quarters upon her return, leaving the day to day quandaries to her advisors to handle as she tried her best to recuperate from her ordeal.

Visitors had stopped by, and she was always glad to see Dorian, Varric or Krem, but she was also a bit disheartened when Bull or Cassandra would check in with her. Serris could see the pity they felt for her, as much as they tried to hide it and it made her isolation from the others all the more real despite it being self induced. She had asked Krem about it when he had stopped by one morning, and what he had said did make her feel a bit better.

"You shouldn't worry about the pity. It's not about what you've lost and how you look now. They pity themselves, you know. At least the boss does. He wishes he had been in your place, he wants to have been with you before so it wouldn't of happened. Don't think of it as pity, more like regret."

He had been so matter of fact about it, with one arm thrown over the back of his chair while he sat sideways in it to lean over the arm, so relaxed. Like Serris hadn't felt since she had come home. Varric had said if she ever wanted to tell someone what had happened, he would always be ready to sit down with her, and had left the matter at that, instead choosing to talk about much lighter subjects such as the gossip from within to keep her occupied, as well as play some easy going hands of Wicked Grace. "In preparation when you, me and Curly overthrow the Lady Ambassador. We shall strike as carefully as we can, but only if we get a hand we know we can use." He always said, and if Cullen would stop by in between his duties the three of them would play for a time before one of them left to resume whatever matter called them away first.

When Dorian would come by it was always with some book or another, and he was always so light heartedly serious about helping her get back her Elven ears and help restore some of the magic she hadn't yet managed to control. Neither she nor Solas had managed to unveil the reason behind her magic backfiring whenever she tried to use it, but Dorian had come up with a theory that was linked with the loss of her ear tips and, along with them, the pride she had used her magic with being an elf. "You feel as though you've lost your heritage, so to speak. I'm most certain I can find a way to restore what you feel you've lost, and with it your magic should return to normal! Well, as normal as one gifted with such a thing can be." He would then go on and on about small things, and Serris was quick to join in as they would delve into book after book, try spell after spell.

But now, as Serris sat on the edge of the bed, the moon slowly passing by through the open balcony, she let a tear slip past as the realization she was never to get what she felt made her one of the people back. She would never feel whole like before, but she was still one with her people. As much as they would accept her, at least; Serra had been a bit too forthcoming when she told of an elf she knew whom had his ear tips sliced off as well. The least of his worries had been his human masters, to be kind about his situation.

Closing her eyes she leaned forward fully atop her thighs, her arms wrapped around herself as she used one hand to feel the ragged, healed and scarred edges of one ear. She sobbed loud enough to wake the sleeping man next to her, and he sat up to see his lover all but broken as she looked to be caving in on herself. He reached over and gripped her gently, but he frowned when she pulled away from him. "Serris, you need not hide yourself away from me. I will not begin to try and understand what you have been feeling, the Maker knows I can't, but please don't push away from us, from me." He told her, but when she didn't move further he sighed and stood up, pulling his breeches on over his small clothes and moving to squat before her, hands clasped together as he placed his head against her arms.

"I will love you no matter the stigma you think surrounds you now. Do you remember what you asked when Solas gave you the news you dreaded?" He asked and Serris sighed quietly before dropping her hand from her ear. "You asked what you would become, losing your ear tips. And I said you would become nothing less in my eyes than what I grew to love before. I won't beg you to believe me, just as I know I would never want you to beg me." He told her, and she moved her arms to rest her chin atop his mussed hair, eyes half lidded as she looked out at the balcony.

"I don't think they knew who I was, when they first fell upon us. Had we taken horses I don't think it would have happened either, but we didn't want to risk getting bogged down as you and Leliana had suggested. I never blamed either of you after they...after they took me. A part of me knew you would come for me, but another part doubted I could ever be found. I had tried my magic on the cat they had prowling the corridors, but it was more skittish of me after..." She stopped, not wanting to say aloud what had become of her.

"They broke my staff after I tried to escape once; I had managed to use some of its power to force open the door, but I hadn't been able to slip past the man they sent to question me. He never came at the same time, I don't think. But I didn't even know how long I had been locked away, there was no way to tell how much time might have passed. He would come back, he always came back. Hatred could no better describe what he held toward me than any other, but I'll never know how he came to feel as such now.

"The last thing I remember before your arrival was him. He had thrown me against the wall because I wouldn't speak, and I broke his nose as recompense. It felt.. I felt so tired after he dropped me, and when he kicked my face I honestly felt nothing of the pain I knew had to be there. The mice came back, they always did after he left, and I used all the magic I could to send them to the crows, to get a message out to someone, anyone who was looking. I don't know how long it took, but he did come back at least once that I remember, and that was...that was the worst it had been."

Cullen listened as she told him what happened, and there were times when he had to know what had occurred, but part of him wished she had never told him of the darkness that had taken her captive. He had already said she was missing for four weeks, and in that time he had gone all but mad in his search; she said she truly had no idea how she lived so long. They all had nearly lost their sanity, and Cullen felt as though only Solas was the one keeping them together and grounded as they searched every cave and ruin they came across. But he told her that he had almost given up and she had cried once more for what Cullen felt was the longest time in history.

Serris listened as he had soothed her fears, telling her the Maker had visited him while he slept and told him to be on the lookout for the smallest of messengers. It had woken him in the middle of the night but he had left with the company that had found her, taking with them the horses after Cullen felt drawn to them; her mare had been all but in a rage, pawing at her stall and screaming as she nearly broke down the door to get out. He said that his touch calmed the mare only enough to saddle her but when they had been ready to move out and he had seated himself, she had taken off with the speed of the wind and ignored all attempts to rein her in.

Serris laughed after he explained his rather painful ride atop her favored mount, and she told him she might have to pay her a visit after being cooped up for so long. "Just as long as I don't have to ride her, I believe all will be well in the stables." He told her, and she laughed softly where they sat on the floor, backs against the bed.

She stood up after staying silent for a few minutes, heading out to look over the balcony. The sun was beginning to rise, and she could see some people already beginning their day below her. Bull was awake and sparring with Krem, and Cassandra was nearby speaking with someone she didn't recognize. Leliana was heading back into the keep, a crow perched on her shoulder before it flew off after she gave it a small message, and Solas was speaking with Cole as his large brimmed hat bobbed every few seconds. Cullen joined her soon after, placing a blanket over her shoulders to keep the chill away, and leaned against the banister to watch as well.

"Life will go on, Serris, with or without you. But before we get on, I would like to get a bit more sleep. With you." Cullen told her, and Serris was about to decline before he picked her up, tossing her over a shoulder and all but throwing her on the bed, pinning her softly down before she could get up and smiling against her lips. "If only I could do this every night." He whispered, and she smirked. "You know you can, Cullen, you just forget yourself when you work. How many times have I had to send someone to remind you how long the candles have burned?" She joked with him, and when he smiled against her lips once more she pressed against them in a sweet kiss, one she had missed so very much while captured. She felt her fears pulling her back down, but she ignored them as best she could. This was Cullen, commander of the inquisitions armies, former Templar and someone who had seen the darkest side of the mages across Thedas, but this was also the Cullen she loved with every inch of her being, the Cullen who had cast aside everything he felt for Mages to love her as much as she did him. Her thoughts were soon pulled back to the present as he pulled back from her, smirking.

"Glad to hear your sense of humor has not diminished in the slightest, my dear." He chuckled as he fell to the side, though he shot into a seated position when Serris hissed painfully, her ribs, still rather bruised, being jostled a bit too much what with having been tossed and then lain upon, no matter how careful he had been before. "It's alright, Cullen. I'll be okay, just restrain yourself when you wish to toss me around like a sack filled with vegetables." She played it off with laughter, though inside she felt as though something was so very wrong.

"Why do you not allow one of the healers to help? I've asked Solas and he said you refuse aid, as if you fear something worse than merely bruised ribs. What do you keep from me, Serris?" He asked her quietly, watching as she turned into her side away from him, clutching her elbows in each hand weakly. "I would explain if I knew myself, Cullen." She whispered to him, and was content when he did not press the matter further, instead laying next to her and pulling her back against his chest. "I wish you would tell me what you are looking for, you know. I will always lend my hands if you but ask for them. You have done so much, and you continue to show the Chantry and others you were chosen by the Maker himself, and often we all forget just a little that you are like us, that you bleed as well as we do." He told her, kissing her hair tenderly. "So please, let me help where I am able and willing. I have heard you speaking with Dorian, but I did not enter when he was with you for fear of interrupting what might lead to whatever you seek. Will you tell me what you both do when kept up here, with all those books that Dorian requests night and day?"

But Serris had fallen asleep, exhaustion pushing all else out of her mind. Cullen sighed softly before laying back against the bed, one hand stretched over and twirling a lock of hair in his fingers as he watched her for a few more moments.

When she awoke, Cullen had already left but he had been kind enough to leave a tray of that mornings breakfast, a few sweet rolls and a pitcher of cider by the smell of things, on the table near the hearth. Looking to the stairwell that would lead out of her room, she was surprised to see Solas walking up, and when he noticed she had awoken, his eyes having been reading a scroll, he smiled at her before gesturing for Serris to join him on the balcony. She followed after putting her soft boots on, her steps quieted by the cloth. "Cullen mentioned you have been restless, both in mind and soul. Yet you rest as much you can and gain no benefit. Perhaps I may be able to help where Dorian is unable?" He asked her, and she was unsure how to reply.

"I have thought on Dorian and his search for a spell that may return what once was, and I questioned my friends within the fade about such power. I have only just asked Cole about it this morning, to further my knowledge, and he affirms my findings. We cannot replace what was lost, but you may yet gain something else entirely to make up for it." She was speechless as he turned to her, smiling at the look on her face. "I am sorry I had put the idea out of your mind so soon, but I had never thought to look for a way to restore anything of this magnitude, my lady. You have not just lost your ears, the thing that separates us from the others living upon all of Thedas, but your magic has become unstable as well. I feared the worst, that you would be unable to channel it safely and so... the Chantry might wish to see you made Tranquil. And I would not wish to see such madness upon even my worst enemy, let alone one I call a friend."

She was stunned still, taking in what he had told her slowly and going over each word in her head over again. "I can... I can regain everything?" She asked him, and he nodded quickly. But her next words shocked Solas, surprising him with how humble she sounded. "I do not want to regain everything, Solas. My ability as a Mage is all I wish for, so that I may be who everyone needs me to be. My ears were what I thought set me apart, but it was not that part of me that made me Inquisitor. I did such, my actions and my words did that. My ears only marked me as Elven, and my pride was what threw me into the pit I had been in. I am still proud of who I am, of my people and my role for them, but I did not lose my place among them because my ears have been cut. My magic became as it is now because I had misused what the Maker and the Gods wished me to use it for, I took my power for granted and now it has caught up with me. I wish it had never happened, Solas, but it did and now we are here. Alive and breathing, warm and where we are needed." She looked out over the people within their routines, watched as Blackwall assisted a group of trainees in their swordsmanship, saw when Cassandra threw something at Varric as he ducked and hurried off with what appeared to be a smile, saw Cole sitting atop the ramparts nearby and let his legs kick forward and back as he became engrossed in whatever he thought about. "I am still here, with all of you. My pride got the better of me, and while it was not a demon that I fought against, I feel as though a burden has lifted from me now that I have come to such an understanding."

And she saw as Cullen greeted his fellow advisors, Leliana soon turning and headed to her own spies for a report as Josephine walked with him inside the keep. "If you have found a way to restore the magic I once used, please inform Leliana so we may send out a party to mark safe passage, but if this is to restore my ears I ask that you keep such secrets with your friends in the fade." She smiled over at him, and was glad when he nodded, casting a glance at the jagged edges of what used to mark her as Elven, then nodded once more and left.

As he was leaving, he was stopped by Cullen as the commander made his way up to see Serris, and what Solas told him left him dumbstruck. But hours ago she had been lost within her troubles, and now she... She only wished for her magic to return? Had she gone mad, or fallen ill after her return and no one had realized? Solas assured him she was clear of mind and offered him a small tidbit that would make him a bit clearer himself. "She is strong, our Inquisitor, but it is we who make her feel as such. She never needed her ears to be what we see her as, but part of her believed the world would change because of it. Her magic became erratic because she felt as such, and now that she has felt peace of mind with her situation, it will return on its own and control will be as she used to have. I am off to inform Dorian of the progress we have been working weeks for, send word if she begins to claim she hears voices from the Fade." But Cullen stopped him.

"Both you and Dorian were only trying to have her come to terms with it all? You truly had no way of returning what she wanted?" He asked seriously, and Solas smiled. "Until but this morning I had not found anything to return what she wished, and Dorian simply kept her mind busy with possible answers as I sought out the spirits within the Fade for answers they may keep. I asked Cole of what I found in my journey last night and what I found was true. But Serris declined the restoration of her Elven lineage, so the knowledge is no longer needed. She asked that I keep it from becoming knowledge to the world, and I will obey her request. Go to her, Commander, and see that she understands what we all see her as, even with the loss of what separates us physically as elves."

Solas left as Cullen turned and headed up the stairs, soon a smile breaking over his face as he saw Serris closing the door behind her, having tied her hair up into the cross braid she so preferred. "Care for a ride, Commander? I think I might wish for some fresh air after having kept to myself for so long." She smiled as he half bowed, offering his hand to her. She took it eagerly and they headed back down the stone steps for the stables, Cullen looking on as she greeted her mare much like a child would her first pet, and he thanked the Maker for the happiness and peace he saw in her, prayed that it would last despite knowing she would have days that were bleak in the future, and he once more thanked the Maker and whatever else God may be listening that he had been led to her.