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TOPIC | Singa chapter 1 venenum
“WOO! OH YEAH! ROLLING AROUND AT THE SPEED OF SOUND! GOT PLACES TO GO-” (Drago) “Could she be any louder?” (Splat) “She HAS no mute button” In Splat’s room was Rachel and her friends. “She’s really loud!” Splat said, followed by Rachel’s friend, Clay “You can’t blame her. I personally want to join in with her singing fun.” A small Dragon, on Clay’s head, snarled “No, you’ll be as loud as her!” Rachel finally calmed down “WOO!” Rachel yelled. Rachel’s tiny red friend, named Zero, yelled at her “THAT’S NOT CALMING DOWN, THE STORY SAID ‘Rachel finally calmed down.’ Not go crazy” Splat’s partner, a small fish-girl, growled “Fourth wall breaking, much, Zero?!” “IT’S A NEVER ENDING STORY!” splat yelled, scaring Rachel “WAH!” Rachel turned to look at both Splat and Clay “Now what?” Clay looked over at Rachel. “Uhmm aren’t we missing someone by the name of X?!” About that time, Kid, A young wizard moonlain, ran into the room, panting exhaustedly “I’m sorry that I’m late! I was…checking….in on…someone…” Rachel looked Kid “So…how’s he doing, X?” Kid shook his head no, sadly “I wish I had good news to make you happy, RMJE, but I don’t…” Kid’s partner, a small blue kid (named X btw,) sighed “His fever is getting worse. If we had good news, we would’ve been even later to get him to his house and-we might not have come” “X!” Kid yelled “Don’t say things like that.” Rachel started walking to the door when she looked up “Out of many one….” Then she walked off, only confusing the partners. “What? What does that mean?” “We ARE a team!” “I don’t think that’s what she meant, Dragos.” Kid sighed “She meant about her past.” Clay yelled “does she have a crush on THAT guy?” “Which guy are we talking about here?!” Splat asked.
Meanwhile, Rachel was in a crystal cavern, seeking for answers, “Rachel, why are we here.” Zero ask, then immediately got a reply form Rachel “To seek help from the Element soul.” “You want to remove the electricity from your body, right?” Rachel stop and scooped up the tiny Zero from her shoulder “Yes, Zero. But I wanted to figure out how-““Rachel, please…I don’t want you to suffer like this.” “Zero…” Rachel continued deeper into the cave when she found a dark rusty brown rock. She started speaking in wingdings(translated into english) It replied, speaking to her in wingdings. “H-hey...Can you help me?” It replied, speaking to her in wingdings. “you want the electricity removed from your body as well as your friend cured, is that correct?” “Yes!” she said, as it calmly replied to her again. “I cannot help you with the electricity within your body but the cure for your friend...” Rachel shook in fear as shook her head no, but it continued speaking “You're worried about him. You like him yet you wont admit it. the cure for his illness is...”
Back at Splat’s house, everyone was trying to decipher Rachel’s code. “If RMJE can control electricity in a pattern that should be from…something” Splat and Noah both looked at Kid and Clay “Kid, Clay, you two are hiding something.” Before kid could say anything, clay replied, in a creepy voice “DEAD!” then clay realized something “uhh woops…I meant, her attack pattern is similar to the thunder storms in Rescue Heroes the movie. And I was whispering to Drago, here, that in the movie, one of the main characters nearly DIED in the children movie!” Splat started laughing “I THOUGHT HE WAS GONNA DIE FOR SURE!” Kid pulled out his Wizard stick and smack Splat upside the head “Be nice!” Noah leaned back and looked at his partner, a small rectangle robot named mettaton, whispering to him “I don’t understand what they’re saying but I’ll roll with it.” Rachel busrted into the room, all bloody and bruised. Clay and Kid got up and ran to Rachel, but it was too late. Rachel had collapsed before anyone could get to her. “Splat! Call the ambulance!” Clay shouted, as Kid caught the little exhausted Zero, staring at him "...this was no accadent" Kid said.
Back at the cave, a young boy, wearing light blue, walked into the cave and touched the earth crystal, saying, “Tero, one of the elemental protectors of the rocks and the cyber elf named Ziemia.” As a boy, that looked like the blue child only he’s clothed in dirt brown, appeared, he ask “What is the problem? Why are you reawakening us, Soul?” Soul looked away as Ziemia, the brown cyber elf hovered over soul, and Soul said “The dark elf is being resurrected.” “Then we must stop her!” “Tero, don’t let your foolishness and you’re recklessness get the best of you!” Tero nodded as he and Ziemia both ran out of the cave, Soul looked at the crystal and touched it. “…Weil…Dark Elf…Omega Zero. It’s like the elf wars…only this time, I can’t fight…”
“WOO! OH YEAH! ROLLING AROUND AT THE SPEED OF SOUND! GOT PLACES TO GO-” (Drago) “Could she be any louder?” (Splat) “She HAS no mute button” In Splat’s room was Rachel and her friends. “She’s really loud!” Splat said, followed by Rachel’s friend, Clay “You can’t blame her. I personally want to join in with her singing fun.” A small Dragon, on Clay’s head, snarled “No, you’ll be as loud as her!” Rachel finally calmed down “WOO!” Rachel yelled. Rachel’s tiny red friend, named Zero, yelled at her “THAT’S NOT CALMING DOWN, THE STORY SAID ‘Rachel finally calmed down.’ Not go crazy” Splat’s partner, a small fish-girl, growled “Fourth wall breaking, much, Zero?!” “IT’S A NEVER ENDING STORY!” splat yelled, scaring Rachel “WAH!” Rachel turned to look at both Splat and Clay “Now what?” Clay looked over at Rachel. “Uhmm aren’t we missing someone by the name of X?!” About that time, Kid, A young wizard moonlain, ran into the room, panting exhaustedly “I’m sorry that I’m late! I was…checking….in on…someone…” Rachel looked Kid “So…how’s he doing, X?” Kid shook his head no, sadly “I wish I had good news to make you happy, RMJE, but I don’t…” Kid’s partner, a small blue kid (named X btw,) sighed “His fever is getting worse. If we had good news, we would’ve been even later to get him to his house and-we might not have come” “X!” Kid yelled “Don’t say things like that.” Rachel started walking to the door when she looked up “Out of many one….” Then she walked off, only confusing the partners. “What? What does that mean?” “We ARE a team!” “I don’t think that’s what she meant, Dragos.” Kid sighed “She meant about her past.” Clay yelled “does she have a crush on THAT guy?” “Which guy are we talking about here?!” Splat asked.
Meanwhile, Rachel was in a crystal cavern, seeking for answers, “Rachel, why are we here.” Zero ask, then immediately got a reply form Rachel “To seek help from the Element soul.” “You want to remove the electricity from your body, right?” Rachel stop and scooped up the tiny Zero from her shoulder “Yes, Zero. But I wanted to figure out how-““Rachel, please…I don’t want you to suffer like this.” “Zero…” Rachel continued deeper into the cave when she found a dark rusty brown rock. She started speaking in wingdings(translated into english) It replied, speaking to her in wingdings. “H-hey...Can you help me?” It replied, speaking to her in wingdings. “you want the electricity removed from your body as well as your friend cured, is that correct?” “Yes!” she said, as it calmly replied to her again. “I cannot help you with the electricity within your body but the cure for your friend...” Rachel shook in fear as shook her head no, but it continued speaking “You're worried about him. You like him yet you wont admit it. the cure for his illness is...”
Back at Splat’s house, everyone was trying to decipher Rachel’s code. “If RMJE can control electricity in a pattern that should be from…something” Splat and Noah both looked at Kid and Clay “Kid, Clay, you two are hiding something.” Before kid could say anything, clay replied, in a creepy voice “DEAD!” then clay realized something “uhh woops…I meant, her attack pattern is similar to the thunder storms in Rescue Heroes the movie. And I was whispering to Drago, here, that in the movie, one of the main characters nearly DIED in the children movie!” Splat started laughing “I THOUGHT HE WAS GONNA DIE FOR SURE!” Kid pulled out his Wizard stick and smack Splat upside the head “Be nice!” Noah leaned back and looked at his partner, a small rectangle robot named mettaton, whispering to him “I don’t understand what they’re saying but I’ll roll with it.” Rachel busrted into the room, all bloody and bruised. Clay and Kid got up and ran to Rachel, but it was too late. Rachel had collapsed before anyone could get to her. “Splat! Call the ambulance!” Clay shouted, as Kid caught the little exhausted Zero, staring at him "...this was no accadent" Kid said.
Back at the cave, a young boy, wearing light blue, walked into the cave and touched the earth crystal, saying, “Tero, one of the elemental protectors of the rocks and the cyber elf named Ziemia.” As a boy, that looked like the blue child only he’s clothed in dirt brown, appeared, he ask “What is the problem? Why are you reawakening us, Soul?” Soul looked away as Ziemia, the brown cyber elf hovered over soul, and Soul said “The dark elf is being resurrected.” “Then we must stop her!” “Tero, don’t let your foolishness and you’re recklessness get the best of you!” Tero nodded as he and Ziemia both ran out of the cave, Soul looked at the crystal and touched it. “…Weil…Dark Elf…Omega Zero. It’s like the elf wars…only this time, I can’t fight…”
I don't know why i put (online story) in the title lol
I don't know why i put (online story) in the title lol
@OmegaReploid

Erm... what even is this? If this is supposed to be chapter one, why do we have 0 descriptions or introductions to these characters? How is your reader supposed to know who "Rachel", "Splat", "Clay", "Drago", and "Zero" are. How is anyone supposed to know who these guys are, and what they look like?

For all I know, these guys could be flying squirrels that have blue fur!

Next off, your paragraphs are a wall of text. Not very fun to read, and it makes everything way too confusing. I can't even tell how many characters there are because of how messy your massive block of text is! Also, dialogue in writing is usually its own "paragraph". Ex:

Show yourself, creature.” Nevermore called out, still staring ahead at the stars, but his face distorted into a scowl.


Oh, did I disrupt a cute little talk between you and your little friend there?”, A mocking voice called out in response, which Nevermore immediately recognised at Cairn’s creaky tone.


What do you want, demon?"
Demon? Why, Nevermore, by saying that, one could presume you dislike me!
That would not be an incorrect proclamation.
Mmph. Anyways, I’m here because I think we share a common interest.
What interest would I ever share with.. You…
The interest in getting revenge on your foes. Don’t deny it, you’ve been ignoring those words for years now, but I know deep inside you agree with your little shade-pal there. Those who have wronged you should feel the power of karma, snapping their bones.” The male skydancer said, grinning. Nevermore stared at him, his cold icy eyes trying to unnerve and dig deep into the small dragon’s mind. Despite his efforts to scare away the tiny creature, they were in vain. Noticing he had stopped trying, Cairn spoke up again.


Click, clack, CREEEAAKK! What a satisfying sound! I’m sure you would love to hear it come from your most hated enemies, no?
Ha, sounds like a nice deal to me, Nevermore~
Be quiet X’o, and to you.. Cairn, those are lies. I would nev-
Yeah yeah, you would never want to hurt someone. What a bunch of longneck feces! I’m a skydancer, you can’t hide anything from me, you oversized weasel!” Cairn snapped, glaring at the large dragon looming over him.
(Excerpt from my own story)


Along with that, you have multiple grammar and spelling mistakes, which means you probably should've proofread your story.

Anyways, that was my review. Hope you can use this to improve, because I would love to see what you can come up with here.
@OmegaReploid

Erm... what even is this? If this is supposed to be chapter one, why do we have 0 descriptions or introductions to these characters? How is your reader supposed to know who "Rachel", "Splat", "Clay", "Drago", and "Zero" are. How is anyone supposed to know who these guys are, and what they look like?

For all I know, these guys could be flying squirrels that have blue fur!

Next off, your paragraphs are a wall of text. Not very fun to read, and it makes everything way too confusing. I can't even tell how many characters there are because of how messy your massive block of text is! Also, dialogue in writing is usually its own "paragraph". Ex:

Show yourself, creature.” Nevermore called out, still staring ahead at the stars, but his face distorted into a scowl.


Oh, did I disrupt a cute little talk between you and your little friend there?”, A mocking voice called out in response, which Nevermore immediately recognised at Cairn’s creaky tone.


What do you want, demon?"
Demon? Why, Nevermore, by saying that, one could presume you dislike me!
That would not be an incorrect proclamation.
Mmph. Anyways, I’m here because I think we share a common interest.
What interest would I ever share with.. You…
The interest in getting revenge on your foes. Don’t deny it, you’ve been ignoring those words for years now, but I know deep inside you agree with your little shade-pal there. Those who have wronged you should feel the power of karma, snapping their bones.” The male skydancer said, grinning. Nevermore stared at him, his cold icy eyes trying to unnerve and dig deep into the small dragon’s mind. Despite his efforts to scare away the tiny creature, they were in vain. Noticing he had stopped trying, Cairn spoke up again.


Click, clack, CREEEAAKK! What a satisfying sound! I’m sure you would love to hear it come from your most hated enemies, no?
Ha, sounds like a nice deal to me, Nevermore~
Be quiet X’o, and to you.. Cairn, those are lies. I would nev-
Yeah yeah, you would never want to hurt someone. What a bunch of longneck feces! I’m a skydancer, you can’t hide anything from me, you oversized weasel!” Cairn snapped, glaring at the large dragon looming over him.
(Excerpt from my own story)


Along with that, you have multiple grammar and spelling mistakes, which means you probably should've proofread your story.

Anyways, that was my review. Hope you can use this to improve, because I would love to see what you can come up with here.
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"I shall find what I seek in the books of 'yore."
yeah i'm kinda sorry about the charaters. I have a tendancy to write stories without putting my charater info up
yeah i'm kinda sorry about the charaters. I have a tendancy to write stories without putting my charater info up