This beast has a strange nightmare quality to it, every
time I know something I then know less. An eldritch
process outside my comprehension or quantum physics
where each particle makes sense when observed, but
unable to keep them all in sight they move the goalposts
and I miss.

I get the same strange emotion that I get
from trying to understand the size of the universe
or maybe that's wrong - the frustration from a name
forgotten or one almost remembered, or from knowing
that you don't know enough.

It's hot dehydrating loss of liquid,
a body in pain and the conviction of stupidity or incapability.
It's not eating, then trying, then sleeping not enough,
slow mornings and a brain that only functions half off.
A sneaking suspicion that you have lost track of your time
and the effort doesn't match your progress.
As if every time you try to walk, the path dissapears
before you and behind you the end is slowly catching up.

It's the brief flash of positivity masking the creeping panic
that you won't make it. Dirty hair and dishes, the wish for
total isolation and advice-shy emotions. It's the wanting
to create something worthwhile in the middle of the chaos and mourning this infatuation while you struggle just to endure.



I forgive you.