@
PandaDork I know exactly what you mean. I end up giving relationship advice and general life advice all the time, even though my own attempts at relationships have never ended well, and I am no where close to having my life together.
Heck, I even helped my best friend's fiance plan how he was going to propose, and he ended up following my advice to the letter. (he took her into a corn maze, got thoroughly lost, then went down on one knee and spouted some cheesy nonsense about loosing his heart. It was ridiculously adorable and she loved it.)
I have had situations in the past where I've had to pull back and not get emotionally invested in people even as I give advice I don't expect to have followed. I still give it, I just don't expect it to be followed. A weird balance to be sure, but an important one to reach when your friend isn't likely to change. Basically I hoped for positive change, but I didn't expect it.
That was a few years ago though, more lately I've had to tell people I'm not available for emotional labor that day. Because that's what it is for me, its emotional labor. I'm naturally unemotional, figuring out other people's feelings and helping them with them is exhausting. So don't hesitate to deny help sometimes, you can't help if you burn yourself out. It hurts, yea, but its what's best. What I tend to do is ask the person if they're in any actual danger at the moment. If yes, I drop what I can, muster up the energy and help. If they're not then I turn them down if I can't spare the energy. Its a balancing act, and its one that's taken years for me to get down. I wish you luck, but the "advice friend" isn't easy.
@
PandaDork I know exactly what you mean. I end up giving relationship advice and general life advice all the time, even though my own attempts at relationships have never ended well, and I am no where close to having my life together.
Heck, I even helped my best friend's fiance plan how he was going to propose, and he ended up following my advice to the letter. (he took her into a corn maze, got thoroughly lost, then went down on one knee and spouted some cheesy nonsense about loosing his heart. It was ridiculously adorable and she loved it.)
I have had situations in the past where I've had to pull back and not get emotionally invested in people even as I give advice I don't expect to have followed. I still give it, I just don't expect it to be followed. A weird balance to be sure, but an important one to reach when your friend isn't likely to change. Basically I hoped for positive change, but I didn't expect it.
That was a few years ago though, more lately I've had to tell people I'm not available for emotional labor that day. Because that's what it is for me, its emotional labor. I'm naturally unemotional, figuring out other people's feelings and helping them with them is exhausting. So don't hesitate to deny help sometimes, you can't help if you burn yourself out. It hurts, yea, but its what's best. What I tend to do is ask the person if they're in any actual danger at the moment. If yes, I drop what I can, muster up the energy and help. If they're not then I turn them down if I can't spare the energy. Its a balancing act, and its one that's taken years for me to get down. I wish you luck, but the "advice friend" isn't easy.
@
BonBonne
hey just wanted to say thanks because that second paragraph was actually really calming to read. My friend thats not doing so hot moved away so yeah, my power is pretty limited. I'm not just a therapist friend but yeah sometimes it feels that way.
@
Demonically
Yeah I'm trying to find where to draw the line at the "negatively affecting" part but for the most part i'm okay with it.
@
BonBonne
hey just wanted to say thanks because that second paragraph was actually really calming to read. My friend thats not doing so hot moved away so yeah, my power is pretty limited. I'm not just a therapist friend but yeah sometimes it feels that way.
@
Demonically
Yeah I'm trying to find where to draw the line at the "negatively affecting" part but for the most part i'm okay with it.
@
Aquil
thanks! Thats actually super cool. I long for the day I find balance. Usually I'm either super great or super not great and it can't be that healthy on my mental status. Recently its just be alot of my friends having difficulties with mental things while I'm dealing with my own mental things and in some way me helping them helps me, but it others it just brings me down with it. But yeah, thanks again for sharing :) Just gotta find that balance somewhere.
@
Aquil
thanks! Thats actually super cool. I long for the day I find balance. Usually I'm either super great or super not great and it can't be that healthy on my mental status. Recently its just be alot of my friends having difficulties with mental things while I'm dealing with my own mental things and in some way me helping them helps me, but it others it just brings me down with it. But yeah, thanks again for sharing :) Just gotta find that balance somewhere.
I am the therapist friend! It's not like people talk to me about crushes or stuff, they just talk. About problems, or why their mad, etc. its fun to help them out, or help two friends get over a minor fight.
I am the therapist friend! It's not like people talk to me about crushes or stuff, they just talk. About problems, or why their mad, etc. its fun to help them out, or help two friends get over a minor fight.
@
WillowThorn
I totally agree! Its super rewarding and it makes me generally happy to help others!
@
WillowThorn
I totally agree! Its super rewarding and it makes me generally happy to help others!
@
pandadork
I'm glad!
I just know that people and their negative feelings/destructive thoughts are hard to handle, and you're just a regular person! you can't solve everything or make everyone happy 100% of the time and that's okay!
@
pandadork
I'm glad!
I just know that people and their negative feelings/destructive thoughts are hard to handle, and you're just a regular person! you can't solve everything or make everyone happy 100% of the time and that's okay!
underbelly stays winning
they/them | +2 FR time
@
PandaDork
there was a time when i was this friend. i can't do it anymore; it became too much. there were times when i had to call suicide hotlines on behalf of people, stay online with people bc i was so scared they would hurt themselves, and sacrifice my well-being for someone else's. eventually i realized that these people only spoke to me when they needed reassurance or wanted to talk about themselves. i don't usually initiate conversation, but when the only things we spoke about were relevant to the other, i realized that i should cut off ties.
now, this is my experience, cutting ties isn't necessarily the answer, but just know that you shouldn't have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. if it's too much; if you need space, it's okay to ask for it. if they truly are your friends they would understand, that everyone gets overwhelmed and would give you that space. it's not selfish to put your mental health first.
i agree that it can be very rewarding to help others, but if you wear yourself down it can become too much. personally, i am not a very social person so this kind of emotional work took it's toll. if you can handle it, that's great! just be sure to take care of yourself too.
@
PandaDork
there was a time when i was this friend. i can't do it anymore; it became too much. there were times when i had to call suicide hotlines on behalf of people, stay online with people bc i was so scared they would hurt themselves, and sacrifice my well-being for someone else's. eventually i realized that these people only spoke to me when they needed reassurance or wanted to talk about themselves. i don't usually initiate conversation, but when the only things we spoke about were relevant to the other, i realized that i should cut off ties.
now, this is my experience, cutting ties isn't necessarily the answer, but just know that you shouldn't have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. if it's too much; if you need space, it's okay to ask for it. if they truly are your friends they would understand, that everyone gets overwhelmed and would give you that space. it's not selfish to put your mental health first.
i agree that it can be very rewarding to help others, but if you wear yourself down it can become too much. personally, i am not a very social person so this kind of emotional work took it's toll. if you can handle it, that's great! just be sure to take care of yourself too.
@
BonBonne
true, I'm working on it. Thanks for the help!
@
Lineko
Thanks. I have some friends that I actually talk to and are close to but yeah i do have those people that just talk to me when they need it. They're a family friend but I don't know how to stop helping them, I just try not to respond when I feel emotionally unfit to help. I'm just worried they'll go doing something stupid if I don't respond ect.
@
BonBonne
true, I'm working on it. Thanks for the help!
@
Lineko
Thanks. I have some friends that I actually talk to and are close to but yeah i do have those people that just talk to me when they need it. They're a family friend but I don't know how to stop helping them, I just try not to respond when I feel emotionally unfit to help. I'm just worried they'll go doing something stupid if I don't respond ect.
