Dragon Share

Sorry if there's already a thread about this and sorry if it should go into the creative corner instead, but this was just a random idea I had. You read the lore of the dragon the person above you posts, both good and bad things about it. This should be a good way to get feedback from our writing and also learn to improve it! Be nice, and ping the person above you! Have fun! Next person, critique this girl's lore. [url=http://flightrising.com/main.php?dragon=36159648] [img]http://flightrising.com/rendern/350/361597/36159648_350.png[/img] [/url] Thank you!

@Gusted Overall, I find Nehkbet's lore to be quite intriguing and well-written. There's a lot of great ideas in her bio, and the shifts in point of view and writing style between the different sections is a nice touch. I was a little confused on the timeline of events and the nature of the rift, however, and how I didn't see a dragon named in Drowner in your lair, so I think that elaborating on some of those aspects would make it more accessible. There were also a few points I noticed where the writing got a tad redundant, such as the paragraph about dark magic, but this wasn't a large issue. Overall it's pretty well done, and it's clear you put a lot of effort into it. Would anyone mind critiquing Alkahest's lore? [url=http://flightrising.com/main.php?dragon=33625801] [img]http://flightrising.com/rendern/350/336259/33625801_350.png[/img] [/url]

@Recherche
Drowner is a dragon from my friend @Snowdintown 's lair, should probably add that in somewhere. Thank you for the critique, I love constructive crit.

(skip me.)

@Recherche

Okay, first off, right at the beginning, No one's should be one word. Named after the universal solvent? Neat. I fancy myself as a vocabulary expert, but a few of the words you used off-handedly needed a quick look up. If I may say, simpler words might be favorable. It is not absolutely required though. Just a thought. The bio reminds me of Full Metal Alchemist a little. I feel like you should describe his personality in more depth. I know he is knowledgeable and eccentric but not if he is caring or sadistic or if he is reserved or extroverted. It all makes me feel like he is indifferent. That may be as well. I do like the whole alchemy thing. One of my dragons is also seeking an alchemical masterpiece. He isn't experimenting with children though, so it may be a bit different. But he is trying to make something from nothing. He is also a bogsneak. (If I may hypothesize, something that is universally a solvent is probably organic in nature which why it is difficult to create without an organism to create it and is less harmful to a living thing. It is probably made of carbon. It is reactive, so it is probably bonded weakly. Hydrogen bonds or double/triple carbons.)

All in all, I like your lore. It has an interesting idea to it with alchemy. If I had the time, I would try to read the other bios too. It is a strange mix of advanced vocabulary and simple grammar though. It is not bad but I have seen such things when people search up synonyms of similar words and use the more complex ones. Though I cannot say if that is the case or if you simply write in this fashion. There are no major flaws as far as I can see. I think that is about it for what I have.

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Try and grab somebody in my clan with a bio or backstory. Most of the bios have something but some have more than others. Those nearer to the back of my lair, page three mostly, have written bits in their bios. This is a thread with backstories. I don't want to be too specific though, I want to be surprised.

(@/Zuron Thank you for the critique! Yeah, that's just how I write generally; I just love the flavor that kind of vocabulary can give a story (and I've also just read too much Tolkien, and Victorian writers who were... exceptionally wordy), and a contrast between "sophisticated" language and a more conversational/informal writing style amuses me. I can see how it'd seem a bit odd tho.

I love your suggestion of incorporating more organic chemistry into his lore (come to think of it, alkahest sounds kind of like alka/e/yne, doesn't it? I hadn't noticed that before); figuring out how to mesh a modern understanding of O-chem with magic and alchemy in a fantasy setting sounds like a fun worldbuilding challenge. Something incorporating aromatics & fluorine could work, if I can figure out how to make that understandable to someone who doesn't know as much about chemistry. You also have a good point about describing his personality; I'll have to get on that a bit more.)

@Recherche

No problem. I don't have the attention span to read Tolkien books really. I will stick to dragon lore I think. I used to read a lot more when I was younger but I prefer to write my own story than to read someone else's.

I thought of Alkaline. It could be basic. I don't feel like it could be fluorine-based because fluorine reacts violently with almost everything. In your writing, it indicates that the solvent works slowly. Water is currently the Universal Solvent in chemistry, so whatever Alkahest is, it would have to beat that. Perhaps if Alkahest was a solution and not a chemical compound. A fluorine substance with a buffer mixed with it?

(@/Zuron w/ regards to the fluorine I was thinking of how hydrofluoric acid can eat through a lot of things, but that buffer solution idea sounds pretty clever)

@Recherche

I am not sure how viable hydrochloric acid would be as a universal solvent. Whatever Alkahest is, it is capable of eating through almost anything inorganic. Your writing seems to elude that there is something that could contain it. The most powerful bond I know of is Teflon with carbon and fluorine bonds (But there is nowhere for pieces to be added or broken off), but that is a relatively advanced material. In times like this, I would go for, "Magic, go with it." It may work because of magic actually, meaning that conventional chemistry might not mean anything to it.

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I still need a critique as well.

Don't forget me people!