~To Be Queen~
- Written by fyi
She doesn't deserve this.
Thistledown knows, knows with an absolute certainty that cannot be shaken. A certainty born from the searching glares that watch, now, never leave her. Doubting dragons wondering why it's her being chosen, what's so special about her (and she can't even fault them, because why was she chosen?) This she knows with the heavy weight in her chest, the suffocating chokehold of responsibility strangling her breath away, that she can't seem to shake - that she won't be able to, now, because she's clan leader. She's going to be clan leader.
And she lifts her head and fights the omni-present insecurity creeping in, strangling her with whispers of is this right? is this proper? what must my clan be thinking of me? and smiles, regal and royal but young, so young, and god, she's going to mess up. It's not even a question, it's just fact - what was Iris thinking?! She trusts her clan lea - her former clan leader, but - is this really a good choice? Is she really the right choice?
She doesn't know. She doesn't know, she doesn't know she doesn't know! See, this is why she shouldn't be leader! She can barely get her own thoughts straight, how is she going to keep track of a whole clan?
"Come forth, Thistledown," Iris commands, and dutifully (despite the panic she's trying to wrangle down) Thistledown moves forward from the crowd, suddenly incredibly aware of every eye, every heated gaze boring into her back, making her scales prickle and her shoulders hunch. She can't quite help the indecisive flutter of her wings, the momentary hesitation that steals over her and leaves her floundering as to whether or not she should continue to go forward and just - just accept all this - but then, now that she thinks back... had Iris been grooming her for this for a very long time? Back when she'd first joined the clan, had toddled into the leader's den by accident and looked up at Iris with wide, curious eyes - had Iris seen some sort of potential in her? Some sort of rare courage, that she'd thought was worth fostering? Had she been trying to prepare Thistledown for the position of leader, all this time, when teaching her how to count without using her claws, keep track of faces, to settle disputes and win arguments and look cool and professional no matter what you were feeling inside?
"Thistledown," Iris repeats, jolting her from her thoughts, and furiously fighting the flush in her cheeks Thistle bounded forward, up the gilded steps paved with gleaming jewels and royal finery - finery she doesn't deserve - and pausing before the former clan leader, hesitating only a moment before sweeping into a low bow, ducking her head and shutting her eyes against all the stares on her.
"I am honored to be receiving this title, Queen Iris," she says, calm and cool and perfect, and it isn't even a lie.
She kind of wishes it were, though. Life would be much easier for her, if that were the case.
-
"Congratulations!" Legend says, eyes bright with delight as the elder approaches, dropping into an exaggeratedly low bow before sweeping up and grinning at her with yellow, crooked teeth. "Ey, Thistledown - er, Queen Thistle! Really, good job, this must be such great news for you! I bet it was a bit of a surprise, huh?"
"Yeah," Thistle manages, mind still spinning from the sudden outpouring of support. The crown Iris had lifted upon her head, heavy and weighing her down, wasn't helping. "A surprise."
And then - "Don't worry, Thistle," says a deceptively youthful voice, and Thistle glances down wide-eyed as Shadow, the clan's representative in many political affairs and often ambassador, struts out of the darkness and bows as well - though his is admittedly far less theatrical. "I trust in you my faith, young Queen."
Thistle binks, suddenly aware of a burning in her eyes that isn't from shame. An impossibly warm feeling swells in her throat, something like maybe i can do this after all, maybe it'll be okay, maybe maybe maybe- "I-"
"Queen Thistle!" booms a voice from behind her, and Thistle whirls around to see Storm, Iris' mate (and whom many considered to be second-in-command), approaching her at a sedated pace. He stops beside her - before dropping unexpectedly into a bow as well.
This time, Thistle couldn't help the almost-sob of laughter that tore free from her throat, reaching up to paw at her muzzle in a futile attempt to hide the grateful tears budding there. The crown doesn't seem to feel so heavy anymore. "I-"
"Walk with me," Storm offers, a gentle invitation, and the next thing Thistle knows they're walking through woods lit by fluorescent blue fungi together, chirping crickets in the background, and she almost feels at peace for the first time this morning.
"So," he says, "Queen, huh?"
She blinks, and then - she throws back her head and laugh-snorts, reaches up to dab at her eyes - and then, suddenly, the words are spilling out of her and they won't stop, because - "I don't deserve this," she blurts, unable to stop the sudden confession spilling out of her, "I shouldn't - I can't be leader, this is t-too m-much, I d-don't know how to lead a c-clan, I'm not - I d-don't - I can't - I can't!-"
A tentative wing rests upon her shoulder, jerking her out of her blubbering, and Thistle furiously tries to wipe away the tears that just keep coming. "I - I'm sorry," she whispers, because a leader wouldn't be breaking down.
"Don't be," Storm says seriously, and then unexpectedly, pulls her into a hug. Thistle tenses up at first, but then relaxes into the touch, and shuts her eyes and just tries to breathe, one-two-three-four-five, just like Iris taught her back when there was no weight, no responsibility, just her. Just Thistledown, young and dumb and naive, and she's still all of those things now but she'd like to think - she's getting better, now. She'll get better.
"You know," Storm begins, and Thistle is familiar with this, she's been on the receiving end of Storm's long-winded stories innumerable amounts of times, but she settles down anyways. "When Iris first saw you, she knew you were the one. Her successor. You were young, you were modest, you were eager. You were a sprig of freshness in her life - fresh ideas, fresh attitude, fresh perspective. And more importantly, you were willing to learn. You had a knack for resolving arguments, talking dragons down. You were patient and calm and even if you were nervous, you learned how to balance it out. And she couldn't be prouder of you for that."
Thistle scrubbed at her eyes, ears going flat against her skull in hot embarrassment. "I didn't, though," she mumbled.
"You did," he corrected gently. "You are an amazing dragon, Thistledown, whether you realize it or not. And others have already seen that, too."
"Am I - am I really?" Thistle feels so embarrassed like this, crying into the shoulder of an elder when she should be out there like a real Queen, taking on her problems with courage and calm, but - "I just - I just don't think that I can do this."
"That's okay," Storm said, smile warm and eyes brilliant, and suddenly Thistle feels more sure than she has in a long time, "You just have to try."