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TOPIC | PWYW Proofreading [Closed/new thread[
@whiteraven90
Thanks for waiting! The bios were all short, so this was fairly quick.
Tau is absolutely adorable. I love how he interacts with the rest of the dragons in the City (not just your clan). And the way his bio ended was pretty funny, too. XD
[quote=TAU]Whether he liked it or not, Tau always did what needed to be done at the moment. So he felt confused when the clan's occupation finder, Sisko, replied to his question [i]"What do you need me to do?"[/i] with the question: [i]"What would [b]you[/b] like to do?"[/i]
Not long after his birth, Tau accidentally wandered into the Hewn City, where he immediately got lost. In there, he was constantly on the run from mysterious shadows and voices in the dark mist. He learned not to be picky, to take an opportunity when there is one, and to take a hopeful, optimistic approach to his daily life, lest he succumb to the inhospitable city's air of despair and hopelessness.
One day, fortune shone on him in the form of a friendly pair of ridgebacks, who he got to know as Umbra and Penumbra. They seemed to be completely unfazed by the depressing atmosphere of the ruins - as if they were at home here. They did not appear to be surprised by the sudden appearance of the young skydancer either. After a short exchange of words, he was shown the way out of the Hewn City, and was also given directions to the lair of the pair.
-----
He felt like he couldn't possibly ask for more from life when he finally got out and saw the sun, or when he was taken in by the clan, or when he found himself surrounded by the chatter and noises of dragons who didn't want to beat him up and take his stuff. So when he was asked what he would like to do, he felt that he wanted nothing more than to lie down there and watch all the dragons and sights around him forever in fascination. Sisko, being a great judge of character, left Tau to process and explore the lair by himself, talk to the residents, get familiar with the place, and find what he wanted to do by himself, in his own time.
For weeks, Tau explored the outskirts, the surrounding forest, the cliffs, the half-buried, half-restored library, the quiet graveyard, the living quarters, and the various workshops of dragons who did not seem to have anything to do with the library - he found out that many dragons were here to write books and manuals about their professions, their lives, and fictional stories, or to read about them. He was neither shy nor very introverted in particular, and liked talking with all these dragons (so much variety), but he felt a special kind of serenity in the silence of the library. After spending many days chatting with the lone scribe, Solomon, and the eccentric librarian-in-chief, Regina, he found himself liking the idea of becoming a librarian.
-----
So the lair gained a librarian who was fairly laid-back, conscientious, and easy to talk to - qualities which the library-goers would not have expected to find in a librarian, after years of having to go through a ridgeback who frequently "accidentally stole back" books right after they were lent out.[/quote]
Only very minimal corrections for this one, to be honest.
[quote=AURVANDIL]♦ THE GRAVEYARD GUARDIAN ♦
Aurvandil practices his profession together with his partner, Junko. He prefers to spend the entire day in the graveyard which he takes care of. He thinks it's a beautiful place, pretty quiet and peaceful. Aurvandil would not admit it easily, but large crowds stress him out - to him, three dragons count as a large crowd. So he spends a significant portion of his time in his "kingdom". For a while he had to handle talking to dragons about the deceased, and perform ceremonies and such, but with Junko around, he doesn't have to do those things anymore. He would say "gravedigger" is a more befitting job description than "undertaker" for what he does. It sounds more down-to-earth to him, and he likes down-to-earth things.
-----
♦ A HELPING HAND ♦
There is a third dragon serving as undertaker, Imoen, who performs translations and similar services related to communicating with clients. As both Aurvandil and Junko are coatls, talking with the clan members who are of different breeds is tricky. They employ Imoen to do it for them. Imoen was always good at draconian, above what the average dragon uses it for, and she understands coatl enough to be able to help out the couple.
-----
♦ THE NECROMANCERS ♦
The two dragons whom he interacts with on a relatively regular basis are Macha and her apprentice, Nemain. The local necromancers. They of course come for bodies to take away and use. Aurvandil finds the two imperials and their profession appalling, so he makes it as difficult as possible for them to take anything from the graveyard. However, unfortunately, they too have a place in the clan. They sometimes come to him with the written permission of the leadership to take specific things, and with that, Aurvandil reluctantly complies. What they are permitted to take are things no one but Aurvandil will miss - he feels responsible for and attached to everything in his graveyard.[/quote]
The other two dragons' "personality" boxes were OK, but this one needed some tiny tweaks.
[quote=CROWLEY][b]Personality:[/b] Indifferent, snarky, efficient,
headstrong, hard to control. Appreciates the smaller joys in life, e.g. a fresh meal or a sunny day. Neither extroverted nor introverted - he's somewhere in the middle. He's adaptable and not picky.
-----
Crowley's the successor of Valdemar, who has been the clan's single hired hand almost since the beginning. He and Valdemar were friends briefly, and during that time, Crowley learned his trade.
After Valdemar's departure, Crowley and a few other lone swords-for-hire banded together after a series of impromptu brawls, missions, and gatherings. They were all equals, initially, without a leader figure. However, soon Crowley became top dog - but he has yet to earn this position.
All members are older than he is. Most of them respect his new position because they respected Valdemar. On this basis, they silently agreed to let him have a go at it. The oldest dragons are giving Crowley a chance because they care less to acquire the position for themselves, and care more about an efficient distribution of roles. If Crowley proves himself to be an efficient leader, he will have earned their respect too.[/quote]
And there we go! I'm assuming you wrote these? You did a very good job overall. The descriptions were excellent; I mostly corrected some slightly awkward wording and a few grammatical errors ("neither...or..." became "neither...nor...").
I enjoyed reading the bios. It was fun to see how all the characters interacted with each other. This is PWYW, so you don't need to send over anything if you don't feel like it. I hope my service was helpful! =)
@whiteraven90
Thanks for waiting! The bios were all short, so this was fairly quick.
Tau is absolutely adorable. I love how he interacts with the rest of the dragons in the City (not just your clan). And the way his bio ended was pretty funny, too. XD
Only very minimal corrections for this one, to be honest.
The other two dragons' "personality" boxes were OK, but this one needed some tiny tweaks.
And there we go! I'm assuming you wrote these? You did a very good job overall. The descriptions were excellent; I mostly corrected some slightly awkward wording and a few grammatical errors ("neither...or..." became "neither...nor...").
I enjoyed reading the bios. It was fun to see how all the characters interacted with each other. This is PWYW, so you don't need to send over anything if you don't feel like it. I hope my service was helpful! =)
Thanks for waiting! The bios were all short, so this was fairly quick.
Tau is absolutely adorable. I love how he interacts with the rest of the dragons in the City (not just your clan). And the way his bio ended was pretty funny, too. XD
TAU wrote:
Whether he liked it or not, Tau always did what needed to be done at the moment. So he felt confused when the clan's occupation finder, Sisko, replied to his question "What do you need me to do?" with the question: "What would you like to do?"
Not long after his birth, Tau accidentally wandered into the Hewn City, where he immediately got lost. In there, he was constantly on the run from mysterious shadows and voices in the dark mist. He learned not to be picky, to take an opportunity when there is one, and to take a hopeful, optimistic approach to his daily life, lest he succumb to the inhospitable city's air of despair and hopelessness.
One day, fortune shone on him in the form of a friendly pair of ridgebacks, who he got to know as Umbra and Penumbra. They seemed to be completely unfazed by the depressing atmosphere of the ruins - as if they were at home here. They did not appear to be surprised by the sudden appearance of the young skydancer either. After a short exchange of words, he was shown the way out of the Hewn City, and was also given directions to the lair of the pair.
He felt like he couldn't possibly ask for more from life when he finally got out and saw the sun, or when he was taken in by the clan, or when he found himself surrounded by the chatter and noises of dragons who didn't want to beat him up and take his stuff. So when he was asked what he would like to do, he felt that he wanted nothing more than to lie down there and watch all the dragons and sights around him forever in fascination. Sisko, being a great judge of character, left Tau to process and explore the lair by himself, talk to the residents, get familiar with the place, and find what he wanted to do by himself, in his own time.
For weeks, Tau explored the outskirts, the surrounding forest, the cliffs, the half-buried, half-restored library, the quiet graveyard, the living quarters, and the various workshops of dragons who did not seem to have anything to do with the library - he found out that many dragons were here to write books and manuals about their professions, their lives, and fictional stories, or to read about them. He was neither shy nor very introverted in particular, and liked talking with all these dragons (so much variety), but he felt a special kind of serenity in the silence of the library. After spending many days chatting with the lone scribe, Solomon, and the eccentric librarian-in-chief, Regina, he found himself liking the idea of becoming a librarian.
So the lair gained a librarian who was fairly laid-back, conscientious, and easy to talk to - qualities which the library-goers would not have expected to find in a librarian, after years of having to go through a ridgeback who frequently "accidentally stole back" books right after they were lent out.
Not long after his birth, Tau accidentally wandered into the Hewn City, where he immediately got lost. In there, he was constantly on the run from mysterious shadows and voices in the dark mist. He learned not to be picky, to take an opportunity when there is one, and to take a hopeful, optimistic approach to his daily life, lest he succumb to the inhospitable city's air of despair and hopelessness.
One day, fortune shone on him in the form of a friendly pair of ridgebacks, who he got to know as Umbra and Penumbra. They seemed to be completely unfazed by the depressing atmosphere of the ruins - as if they were at home here. They did not appear to be surprised by the sudden appearance of the young skydancer either. After a short exchange of words, he was shown the way out of the Hewn City, and was also given directions to the lair of the pair.
He felt like he couldn't possibly ask for more from life when he finally got out and saw the sun, or when he was taken in by the clan, or when he found himself surrounded by the chatter and noises of dragons who didn't want to beat him up and take his stuff. So when he was asked what he would like to do, he felt that he wanted nothing more than to lie down there and watch all the dragons and sights around him forever in fascination. Sisko, being a great judge of character, left Tau to process and explore the lair by himself, talk to the residents, get familiar with the place, and find what he wanted to do by himself, in his own time.
For weeks, Tau explored the outskirts, the surrounding forest, the cliffs, the half-buried, half-restored library, the quiet graveyard, the living quarters, and the various workshops of dragons who did not seem to have anything to do with the library - he found out that many dragons were here to write books and manuals about their professions, their lives, and fictional stories, or to read about them. He was neither shy nor very introverted in particular, and liked talking with all these dragons (so much variety), but he felt a special kind of serenity in the silence of the library. After spending many days chatting with the lone scribe, Solomon, and the eccentric librarian-in-chief, Regina, he found himself liking the idea of becoming a librarian.
So the lair gained a librarian who was fairly laid-back, conscientious, and easy to talk to - qualities which the library-goers would not have expected to find in a librarian, after years of having to go through a ridgeback who frequently "accidentally stole back" books right after they were lent out.
Only very minimal corrections for this one, to be honest.
AURVANDIL wrote:
♦ THE GRAVEYARD GUARDIAN ♦
Aurvandil practices his profession together with his partner, Junko. He prefers to spend the entire day in the graveyard which he takes care of. He thinks it's a beautiful place, pretty quiet and peaceful. Aurvandil would not admit it easily, but large crowds stress him out - to him, three dragons count as a large crowd. So he spends a significant portion of his time in his "kingdom". For a while he had to handle talking to dragons about the deceased, and perform ceremonies and such, but with Junko around, he doesn't have to do those things anymore. He would say "gravedigger" is a more befitting job description than "undertaker" for what he does. It sounds more down-to-earth to him, and he likes down-to-earth things.
♦ A HELPING HAND ♦
There is a third dragon serving as undertaker, Imoen, who performs translations and similar services related to communicating with clients. As both Aurvandil and Junko are coatls, talking with the clan members who are of different breeds is tricky. They employ Imoen to do it for them. Imoen was always good at draconian, above what the average dragon uses it for, and she understands coatl enough to be able to help out the couple.
♦ THE NECROMANCERS ♦
The two dragons whom he interacts with on a relatively regular basis are Macha and her apprentice, Nemain. The local necromancers. They of course come for bodies to take away and use. Aurvandil finds the two imperials and their profession appalling, so he makes it as difficult as possible for them to take anything from the graveyard. However, unfortunately, they too have a place in the clan. They sometimes come to him with the written permission of the leadership to take specific things, and with that, Aurvandil reluctantly complies. What they are permitted to take are things no one but Aurvandil will miss - he feels responsible for and attached to everything in his graveyard.
Aurvandil practices his profession together with his partner, Junko. He prefers to spend the entire day in the graveyard which he takes care of. He thinks it's a beautiful place, pretty quiet and peaceful. Aurvandil would not admit it easily, but large crowds stress him out - to him, three dragons count as a large crowd. So he spends a significant portion of his time in his "kingdom". For a while he had to handle talking to dragons about the deceased, and perform ceremonies and such, but with Junko around, he doesn't have to do those things anymore. He would say "gravedigger" is a more befitting job description than "undertaker" for what he does. It sounds more down-to-earth to him, and he likes down-to-earth things.
♦ A HELPING HAND ♦
There is a third dragon serving as undertaker, Imoen, who performs translations and similar services related to communicating with clients. As both Aurvandil and Junko are coatls, talking with the clan members who are of different breeds is tricky. They employ Imoen to do it for them. Imoen was always good at draconian, above what the average dragon uses it for, and she understands coatl enough to be able to help out the couple.
♦ THE NECROMANCERS ♦
The two dragons whom he interacts with on a relatively regular basis are Macha and her apprentice, Nemain. The local necromancers. They of course come for bodies to take away and use. Aurvandil finds the two imperials and their profession appalling, so he makes it as difficult as possible for them to take anything from the graveyard. However, unfortunately, they too have a place in the clan. They sometimes come to him with the written permission of the leadership to take specific things, and with that, Aurvandil reluctantly complies. What they are permitted to take are things no one but Aurvandil will miss - he feels responsible for and attached to everything in his graveyard.
The other two dragons' "personality" boxes were OK, but this one needed some tiny tweaks.
CROWLEY wrote:
Personality: Indifferent, snarky, efficient,
headstrong, hard to control. Appreciates the smaller joys in life, e.g. a fresh meal or a sunny day. Neither extroverted nor introverted - he's somewhere in the middle. He's adaptable and not picky.
Crowley's the successor of Valdemar, who has been the clan's single hired hand almost since the beginning. He and Valdemar were friends briefly, and during that time, Crowley learned his trade.
After Valdemar's departure, Crowley and a few other lone swords-for-hire banded together after a series of impromptu brawls, missions, and gatherings. They were all equals, initially, without a leader figure. However, soon Crowley became top dog - but he has yet to earn this position.
All members are older than he is. Most of them respect his new position because they respected Valdemar. On this basis, they silently agreed to let him have a go at it. The oldest dragons are giving Crowley a chance because they care less to acquire the position for themselves, and care more about an efficient distribution of roles. If Crowley proves himself to be an efficient leader, he will have earned their respect too.
headstrong, hard to control. Appreciates the smaller joys in life, e.g. a fresh meal or a sunny day. Neither extroverted nor introverted - he's somewhere in the middle. He's adaptable and not picky.
Crowley's the successor of Valdemar, who has been the clan's single hired hand almost since the beginning. He and Valdemar were friends briefly, and during that time, Crowley learned his trade.
After Valdemar's departure, Crowley and a few other lone swords-for-hire banded together after a series of impromptu brawls, missions, and gatherings. They were all equals, initially, without a leader figure. However, soon Crowley became top dog - but he has yet to earn this position.
All members are older than he is. Most of them respect his new position because they respected Valdemar. On this basis, they silently agreed to let him have a go at it. The oldest dragons are giving Crowley a chance because they care less to acquire the position for themselves, and care more about an efficient distribution of roles. If Crowley proves himself to be an efficient leader, he will have earned their respect too.
And there we go! I'm assuming you wrote these? You did a very good job overall. The descriptions were excellent; I mostly corrected some slightly awkward wording and a few grammatical errors ("neither...or..." became "neither...nor...").
I enjoyed reading the bios. It was fun to see how all the characters interacted with each other. This is PWYW, so you don't need to send over anything if you don't feel like it. I hope my service was helpful! =)
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{Free} bio resources • LF Affiliates female / INTJ / Capricorn / +16 FR time Clan: FAQ | Stats | Lore Thread | Directory | Avatar Wishlists: outfits & genes | general | familiars
Please check the spelling of my name when pinging me: @Disillusionist. Thanks!
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@Disillusionist Aw thanks! That was quuiiick.
Yes, i wrote them~ I think i'll keep my versions too to learn from your corrections. I know there are things i mix up consistently. Some special snowflake english past tense for example. ;o (i mean... i'm not judging... my first language has 17 noun cases, whatever that means)
Tau does his best to be adorable, yesss
Thank you for taking the time to read and fix these bios. I'll send something in return in a minute~
(edit: sorry for constantly pinging, i keep forgetting not to)
edit 2: damn i forgot to save two of these before overwriting them D:
Yes, i wrote them~ I think i'll keep my versions too to learn from your corrections. I know there are things i mix up consistently. Some special snowflake english past tense for example. ;o (i mean... i'm not judging... my first language has 17 noun cases, whatever that means)
Tau does his best to be adorable, yesss
Thank you for taking the time to read and fix these bios. I'll send something in return in a minute~
(edit: sorry for constantly pinging, i keep forgetting not to)
edit 2: damn i forgot to save two of these before overwriting them D:
@Disillusionist Aw thanks! That was quuiiick.
Yes, i wrote them~ I think i'll keep my versions too to learn from your corrections. I know there are things i mix up consistently. Some special snowflake english past tense for example. ;o (i mean... i'm not judging... my first language has 17 noun cases, whatever that means)
Tau does his best to be adorable, yesss
Thank you for taking the time to read and fix these bios. I'll send something in return in a minute~
(edit: sorry for constantly pinging, i keep forgetting not to)
edit 2: damn i forgot to save two of these before overwriting them D:
Yes, i wrote them~ I think i'll keep my versions too to learn from your corrections. I know there are things i mix up consistently. Some special snowflake english past tense for example. ;o (i mean... i'm not judging... my first language has 17 noun cases, whatever that means)
Tau does his best to be adorable, yesss
Thank you for taking the time to read and fix these bios. I'll send something in return in a minute~
(edit: sorry for constantly pinging, i keep forgetting not to)
edit 2: damn i forgot to save two of these before overwriting them D: