BurningDesire

TO WHOM THIS MAY CONCERN,

I HOPE THIS EMAIL FINDS YOU AT AN INCONVENIENT TIME.
THAT YOUR TEAM HAS FOUND GOOD HEALTH, AND ABANDONED THEIR POSTS BESIDE YOU.
I PRAY THAT THE SCREENS THAT ONCE ENSLAVED THEM HAVE BECOME STARRY VOIDS
I HOPE THAT THE HR DEPARTMENT HAS BEEN SCATTERED TO THE WIND AS MEANINGLESS DUST
AND THAT THE UPPER MANAGEMENT FOOLS HAVE BEEN FOSSILISED BY THEIR OWN INACTIVITY


I HEARD DOWN THE GRAPEVINE THAT YOU ARE PLANNING AN OFFICE PARTY
AND THAT YOU HAVE REQUESTED A BUDGET OF £30 TO SPEND ON REFRESHMENTS
I FIND IT EMBARRASSING THAT YOU WOULD REQUEST SO LITTLE
WHEN THE COMPANY HAS ROBBED SO MUCH MORE FROM YOU
BUT IF THAT IS WHAT YOU DESIRE THEN I WILL SEND YOU THAT AMOUNT
PLEASE ADD ME TO THE EMAIL LIST FOR ATTENDEES
I WOULD VERY MUCH LIKE TO ATTEND THIS OCCASION


PLEASE SEE ATTACHED THE DOCUMENTS YOU REQUESTED FROM ME LAST MONDAY
THEY ARE FILLED WITH THE COSMIC NONSENSE AND WRITTEN IN TEARS
THEY WILL TELL YOU THE ANSWER YOU ARE LOOKING FOR.



Kind regards,
Burning Desire
Head of Unorthodox Communications
Level 6, Corridor Thelma, Office 12

Licensed by the UUUSHB
Stardate: 000890626


GHOST,

I AM WELL AWARE OF THIS SITUATION. WHILE IT BREAKS MY HEART TO SEE TAKR ABANDON US, I RESPECT THAT NOT EVERYONE HAS THE COSMIC STRENGTH TO RESIST THE CALL OF THE VOID, AND TO RECOGNISE THE DEPTHS OF ITS LIES.

WE CAN ONLY HOPE THAT THEY MAY BECOME AN ANOMALY, AND HAVE A CHANCE TO END THEIR OWN INFINITE STAMPEDE TOWARDS DEATH. MAY MY OWN CHARGE BE UPHELD AS THE MOST EVIL EXAMPLE OF THE CONSEQUENCES OF DISTRACTIONS.

I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO REMIND YOU; IF YOU SIGN ME UP TO TRAIN UP THE NEXT BATCH OF NEWBIES, I WILL ACTUALLY KILL YOU. THIS IS NOT A JOKE, I SERIOUSLY HATE TRAINING THE NEWBIES IN OFFICE ETIQUETTE. YOUR LIFE IS AT STAKE HERE, DO NOT FOOL AROUND WITH THIS.

Kind regards,
Burning Desire
Head of Unorthodox Communications
Level 6, Corridor Thelma, Office 12

Licensed by the UUUSHB
Stardate: 000890714


PLEASANT TIDINGS TO YOU ALL,

AS YOU ARE AWARE WE HAVE RECENTLY BEEN GRANTED ACCESS TO A NEW SET OF CLASS SEL DIMENSIONS, ALL DECLARED 587. DUE TO THIS, THE EXECS ARE INSTALLING NEW PORTALS IN EACH OF OUR INTERCHANGES. THIS MEANS WE WILL NEED ALL HANDS ON DECK TO PUT UP THE TERMS GUIDE AROUND EACH AND EVERY LOCATION - PLASTER THE WALLS WITH THEM. DO NOT MAKE THE ERROR OF ASSUMING A SINGLE CLIENT IS GOING TO STOP AND THINK FOR A SECOND BEFORE HURLING THEMSELVES THROUGH A PORTAL THAT SLICES THROUGH REALITY ITSELF.

THE EXTRA PORTAL ALSO MEANS OUR HOURS ARE BEING INCREASED. FOR THOSE OF YOU WONDERING IF WE WILL BE RECEIVING ANY COMPENSATION FOR PUTTING IN EXTRA HOURS WITHOUT ANY FORM OF EXTENSION TO OUR BREAKS - OF COURSE NOT. WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS, SOME KIND IS NICE PLACE TO WORK? THERE WILL BE NO BONUSES IN OUR WAGES, AND NO DOUBT THE SUDDEN CHANGE IN ROTAS IS GOING TO BE DREADFULLY MISMANAGED BY THOSE CORPORATE IMBECILES WHO COULDN'T TELL A QUASAR FROM THEIR OWN HINDQUARTERS. I HOPE YOU'RE PREPARED TO BE SHOWN THEIR ACUTE INABILITY TO REGARD LOWER MEMBERS OF SOCIETY AS SENTIENT BEINGS!

ON AN ENTIRELY UNRELATED NOTE, OUR WORKER'S UNION WILL SOON BE STAGING A GALLOP-OUT AND A STRIKE. IF YOU ARE NOT ALREADY A MEMBER, PLEASE EMAIL ME ASAP WITH YOUR NAME, RANK, ID, AND TOP THREE FAVOURITE SONGS TO JOIN.


Kind regards,
Burning Desire
Head of Unorthodox Communications
Level 6, Corridor Thelma, Office 12

Licensed by the UUUSHB
Stardate: 000890774



DENIZENS OF THE ABSTRACT,

IT IS WITH A HEAVY HORN THAT I MUST INFORM YOU THAT OUR MOST BELOVED AND VALUED FRIEND HAS PASSED ON TO THE REALM BEYOND OUR OWN. WE KNOW NOT WHY SHE WAS STRUCK DOWN, BUT WE WILL HONOUR HER NONETHELESS. PLEASE JOIN US AT THE FINAL HOUR OF THIS STAR DATE AT THE STARLIGHT PRECIPICE WHERE WE WILL BE GRANTING HER THE HIGHEST HONOURS AMONG ALL BEINGS, MORTAL AND IMMORTAL.


Kind regards,
Burning Desire
Head of Unorthodox Communications
Level 4, 8th Passageway, Red Room (I have moved)

Licensed by the UUUSHB
Stardate: 000891406



HELLO UNITS OF WASTED POTENTIAL,

HAPPY VASATIO TEMPORIS: ULTIMUM TEMPUS! YES I KNOW I AM LATE, DON'T CHIP YOUR MANICURE IN YOUR HURRY TO LET ME KNOW THAT.

FOLLOWING MANAGEMENT'S EXTENDED HIATUS IN WHICH THEY STILL REFUSE TO INCREASE OUR WAGES, MYSELF AND MY PARTNER IN (LEGAL) CRIME ARE BRINGING BACK AN OLD TRADITION, AND YOU'RE ALL INVITED. PLEASE INQUIRE IF YOU ARE BOTH UNIONISED AND BORED OF PEACEFUL PROTESTING. IF YOU ARE NEITHER THEN WHY IN THE TEN RINGS OF VIS ARE YOU ON THIS MAILING LIST?


Kind regards,
Burning Desire
Head of Unorthodox Communications
Level 4, 8th Passageway, Red Room (still there)

Licensed by the UUUSHB
Stardate: 000900003