The Flights Collapsed << Private >&a
EmeraldDragon22's Clan
i like fried chicken
Clan Info
~Welcome to the Gemstone City~
Large walls woven with vines, gemstones, and branches loomed in front of you. There was an arched entrance, with 4 imperials in shining ruby armor standing guard. They had long and sharp spears. One of them growled. "Who are you, and why are you here?" They asked, their spears crossed, blocking the way into the large city. "I'm traveling. I'm just looking for a place to stay," you said, looking at them. They looked at each other. "Very well. You may enter." They uncrossed their spears, allowing you to enter.
Inside, there were many buildings, built the same way as the walls. Many dragons walked along dirt paths. You could see a rather big store, and a hotel. In the distance, you could see a large, emerald castle. It shone in the sun.
You walked towards the hotel. You opened the door, and looked around. The floor was lavender-colored carpet. You walked up towards the reception desk. Behind the desk was a red pearlcatcher, with the druidic emblem floating above his head. He was doing something on a computer. You rang the bell to get his attention. Almost immediately, he looked at you.
"Hello. What do you need?" He asked. "I'd like to rent a room for three nights." You said. "Ok. There's a room open, on the top floor. Here's the key." He said, handing you a key. He also gave you a booklet with some information. On the cover, it said that there was free breakfast, lunch and dinner for anyone staying at the hotel.
You climbed up the long flights of stairs, looking for your room.When you finally got to your room, you opened the door. There was a bed with green covers and two pillows. There was a large window, which provided an amazing view. There was a fan, which was currently off. There was also a flat-screen TV, with a small sign showing which channels were which. You turned on the TV, deciding to watch it until you went to sleep. After a while, you fell asleep.
In the morning, a loud knock on your door woke you up. "wake up!" a voice called. You got out of bed and opened the door. "What's going on?" You asked. You could hear something that sounded like drums.
"You don't know?" the red pearlcatcher asked, sounding shocked. "It's the queen's birthday! We like to celebrate for a period of 3 days." He pulled you outside, and set up some chairs for the people that were staying in the hotel.
Proud to be a Hufflepuff :)
(I'm also a thunderbird! So... i'mma hufflebird. or a thunderpuff.)
RANDOM GIFS:
Want;;
CELESTIAL HUES
FUNNY LINK
http://wolfcatderpunicorn.corgiorgy.com/
http://derpderpcatwolfunicorn.corgiorgy.com/
Large walls woven with vines, gemstones, and branches loomed in front of you. There was an arched entrance, with 4 imperials in shining ruby armor standing guard. They had long and sharp spears. One of them growled. "Who are you, and why are you here?" They asked, their spears crossed, blocking the way into the large city. "I'm traveling. I'm just looking for a place to stay," you said, looking at them. They looked at each other. "Very well. You may enter." They uncrossed their spears, allowing you to enter.
Inside, there were many buildings, built the same way as the walls. Many dragons walked along dirt paths. You could see a rather big store, and a hotel. In the distance, you could see a large, emerald castle. It shone in the sun.
You walked towards the hotel. You opened the door, and looked around. The floor was lavender-colored carpet. You walked up towards the reception desk. Behind the desk was a red pearlcatcher, with the druidic emblem floating above his head. He was doing something on a computer. You rang the bell to get his attention. Almost immediately, he looked at you.
"Hello. What do you need?" He asked. "I'd like to rent a room for three nights." You said. "Ok. There's a room open, on the top floor. Here's the key." He said, handing you a key. He also gave you a booklet with some information. On the cover, it said that there was free breakfast, lunch and dinner for anyone staying at the hotel.
You climbed up the long flights of stairs, looking for your room.When you finally got to your room, you opened the door. There was a bed with green covers and two pillows. There was a large window, which provided an amazing view. There was a fan, which was currently off. There was also a flat-screen TV, with a small sign showing which channels were which. You turned on the TV, deciding to watch it until you went to sleep. After a while, you fell asleep.
In the morning, a loud knock on your door woke you up. "wake up!" a voice called. You got out of bed and opened the door. "What's going on?" You asked. You could hear something that sounded like drums.
"You don't know?" the red pearlcatcher asked, sounding shocked. "It's the queen's birthday! We like to celebrate for a period of 3 days." He pulled you outside, and set up some chairs for the people that were staying in the hotel.
Proud to be a Hufflepuff :)
(I'm also a thunderbird! So... i'mma hufflebird. or a thunderpuff.)
RANDOM GIFS:
Want;;
CELESTIAL HUES
FUNNY LINK
http://wolfcatderpunicorn.corgiorgy.com/
http://derpderpcatwolfunicorn.corgiorgy.com/
Recent Comments
Noggle was on the front page!
How are you!! Sorry I have been very busy!!
Long time no see!!
Eh, I'm not too worried about getting all the new genes, give it a couple months and the prices should be affordable. In hoping for an Metal/Alloy/Anytert myself.
I know. XD
Sorry, I thought it was your birthday a couple days ago, so I wished a belated birthday only to realise your birthday was on oct 27. Oops. So I deleted the message.
Also, I didn't count the "yous" in character speech because "yous" in character speech are hard to avoid or signify rudeness or curtness which may be a part of characters, so don't worry too much about those.
Huh, you followed my advice. Sweet. Now to spend an hour rewording at least five sentences, am I right? XD (I feel you, essays, dang I should be working on mine right now.)
3. Yea, I don't have a third point. XD I think your writing's fine, but it needs a little work with flow but thats something you can to try and fix yourself by reading it out aloud and rewording sentences. Done. :D
2. Put spaces between your paragraphs. Give each paragraph another hit with the enter key to separate them more. Right now, it seems a little like looking at a wall of words. It seems intimidating to read and looks a little boring.
Here are the points, 1. I understand you're writing in 2nd person, but you used the word "You" eleven times. Try rewording your sentences and instead of saying "you notice" just blatantly state the facts, "there are..." "everwhere are..."
Well, it's morning, now. Tell me if you're on. I'll prepare 3 points for you to help your story become better and easier to read.
Delete this comment.
Report this comment.
Add this player to your Block list.
Player ID
219763
219763
Date Joined
Jan 14, 2016
Jan 14, 2016
EmeraldDragon22
Recent Forum Posts
EmeraldDragon22's Friends
PawFoster (#199309)
For Ever Flying Higher To Help Those In Need
For Ever Flying Higher To Help Those In Need
headlights (#218267)
im back
im back
ShadowAngel229 (#233535)
Tteok (#197737)
haha ow
haha ow
WillowtheWisp (#73739)
Procrastination is the greatest labor-saving invention ever
Procrastination is the greatest labor-saving invention ever
Hotpocketguru (#225949)
Patience Yields Focus
Patience Yields Focus
Gingerdemon (#233083)
I can appear silently to my prey. Just look behind you.
I can appear silently to my prey. Just look behind you.
EmeraldDragon22 (#219763)
i like fried chicken
i like fried chicken
EmeraldDragon22 (#219763)
i like fried chicken
i like fried chicken
EeveeDream (#2937)
I'm still around, ignore the hungy dergs
I'm still around, ignore the hungy dergs
Recent Activity
Welcomed new hatchlings!
1 Mirror Female
1 Mirror Female
Welcomed new hatchlings!
2 Fae Male, 3 Fae Female
2 Fae Male, 3 Fae Female
Welcomed new hatchlings!
1 Wildclaw Female
1 Wildclaw Female
Recent Achievements
This user is currently active.
This user is currently idle.