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SanjiDrageon
It totally is a parody on the manga
One Piece! She’s Zoro and he’s Luffy. I had a suspicion when I read the epilogue, but now, oh boy! Am I right?! If not, then I apologize, but it has
One Piece vibes all over it. If it is, then great job on reshuffling their traits. Also there’s no spoilers, are there? I’ve only gotten as far as defeating the Flamingo guy.
Now let’s get into the actual review for Chapter One. ^^
Structure:
***In the epilogue, there was only the narrator, so it was fine if the text flowed beyond the image boundaries. However, now there are multiple characters. If it was a one line sentence, then it was fine as I knew this person was the one talking; but, especially in the first couple of paragraphs, the words spill from the designated character portrait. It comes off as sloppy and sometimes confusing on if it’s simply an overview of what is happening or if it’s a character doing something before speaking again.
Maybe changing the characterization of the words (bold, italic, normal) to differentiate when each person talks and when they are doing something and when there is general action between each character as there is no visuals other than words to see these movements. Example:
---
Narrator---
The large pink Coatl turned and began to walk down the street. Pearl hurried to catch up and began fast walking beside him as, being a Fae as she was, could barely keep up with his longer strides. She stayed silent as they passed the first of the bamboo houses, staring around, unable to think of anything to say.
---
Sanguine---
“So how are you liking the village so far? Were you able to settle in okay? I know there’s a lot to learn and a lot of kooky characters to meet, but you can do it, I know you can! I’m Sanguine by the way!” The Coatl gave her an encouraging smile, thrusting a hand in her direction.
---
Pearl---Pearl bobbed her head respectfully, her fins flitting up and down.
“Nice to meet you. I’m Pearl.”
---
Narrator---
They shook hands. Almost instantly Pearl released his hand as a yelp of surprise flew unintentionally from her mouth. Her fins flattened against her neck and her eyes dilated wide as she quickly glanced from her hand to Sanguine in confusion.
---
Sanguine--- Sanguine doubled over as he unsuccessfully tried to keep himself from laughing.
“Your face…(gasp)…your face….!” He gave up on trying to hide it and erupted in fits of booming laughter. He held up his hand to show a shocker nestled firmly against his palm.
***Also what is the consistency of the action placement relative to portraits for each person? For example,
there are outward reactions and inward reactions. Maybe the narrator comments strictly on inward reactions like “Shiro’s thoughts swirled in confusion, grasping for an explanation, as he stared blankly at the Spiral as she brushed herself off”,
whereas outward reactions should be in the person’s portrait region whether by talking or doing. Example: Shiro--- Shiro’s grin widened. ‘I did buy stuff. I bought this boat…and food.’ Ushio--- She stood there, her mouth opening and closing, but no sounds came out. ‘Urrrrgh, you-you-you’re so annoying!’
***
I also suggest using third person limited. It is basically replacing the confusing “I”, “me”, “mine” with “Shiro”, “him”, “his”. Limited focuses on the thoughts and growth of one character throughout the story which goes along with how you want to write Shiro’s journey, but with the bonus of not confusing whose point of view we’re looking through (like what happened 16 dragon portraits from the bottom down).
***
Please note: Unlike a movie or anime, your reader does not have distinctive cues (like a voice actor) to differentiate who’s talking, nor does your reader have visual cues on what each character is doing. It’s important to keep Shiro’s actions and reactions specifically in Shiro’s portrait area and Ushio’s with Ushio’s. The narrator needs to either state only the environment with the transitions from area to area/plot-point to plot-point , or do that and point out the inner conflicts of Shiro or whichever character’s point of view the reader is seeing through for that chapter. If you can’t already tell, I was partially confused when reading.***
Story:
***
Talk about the environment first, then focus on the boy. It’ll give more context on why the boy is hollering and why the mom is not responding. Suggestion: Mention festival? description of town? people’s reactions and what they’re doing.
***
This strange girl is Ushio, a very talented archer and chemist. I should only know her physical appearance, not what she does for a living, where she lives, what she’s doing in a barrel, or her name until after she tells Shiro, and by default me the reader.
***
…all of which brought out her caramel eyes…
***
I could tell where this was going. I began to get rather irritated but reluctantly answered anyway, “S-Shiro.” Both S’s need to be capitalized as they are the first letter of his name.
***
Standing up, she threw a quiver of arrows onto her back. Also why is her weapon in a separate barrel away from her where she can both lose it and not defend herself?
***
…and with an ‘a-matter-of-fact’
***
WHAT IF IT WAS A BOMB!” and
“Are you telling me that you’re in the middle of the ocean but… YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO NAVIGATE!” Needs a question mark since it’s a question.
***Did Shiro notice when Ushio mentioned Robin Hood?
***…Of course that is just an alias...
***This feels like it stopped in the middle with no finality or even a cliffhanger to continue forward. Maybe do “You’re an archer?” bit when she pulls her bow ad quiver out of the second barrel. Then do the squabble about the no navigation, no money. Then conclude with something that highlights Shiro’s character. Example:
Ushio---She groaned audibly. “Why must this happen to me of all people? And with an idiot of a captain as well?”
Shiro---Shiro perked when he heard that, and flushed slightly as much in embarrassment as in pride. “Well, Ushio, welcome aboard the Wanderlust!” he proclaimed happily, thrusting his hand towards her.
Ushio---She stared at his hand for a second, then, with another audible sigh, returned the handshake. “A pleasure I am sure.”
Narrator---As Shiro began his torrent of questions and Ushio began berating him for his lack of decency, the two of them sailed onward in the little ship Wanderlust as the sun began to dip below the horizon. What will tomorrow bring?
