@
Dynami
General: I love your characters! They really come alive in your writing, and it's definitely the strongest part of your writing. You also have a really great sense of flow while writing.
As for the critique, you've been formatting your dialogue incorrectly, but more details on that below. I suggest that you try not to "overwrite" or over explain. Some of your sentences can get kind of unwieldy with extra words and adverbs like "mostly". Also, try to avoid using the word "got"! I noticed you use it quite frequently, but other words could be utilized better, and to a greater effect. I've pointed it out in a few key instances below.
Details:
Quote:
She heard a grunt, then purple eyes.
The verb here is "heard", so the last bit of sentence is confusing because you switch to sight all of a sudden. Try: "She heard a grunt, then glimpsed purple eyes."
Quote:
“What is it? It’s a little early.” Katryna asked.
Dialogue is actually supposed to be formatted differently! You use a comma instead of a period. The correct method is this:
"What is it? It's a little early," Katryna asked.
I'll leave you to correct the rest of the dialogue on your own.
Quote:
The only sound they heard was the sound of ringing bells.
Try to avoid using the same word twice in the same sentence. In this case, it's "sound".
Quote:
Even after the days they've been here, it's been hard to get used to the large hallways, pillars, paintings, and glass stained windows.
You switched to present tense all of a sudden here. Should be: "Even after all the days they'd been here, it'd been hard to get..."
Quote:
There were lots of rooms like dining rooms, individual chambers, meeting chambers, the throne room...
Try and make your descriptions more dynamic rather than just listing them. For exampe: "The rooms in the castle were large and extensive, so numerous that she'd lost count while trying to keep track of them all. Even the ceilings in the individual chamber rooms towered over her head, not to mention the dining room, or the throne room."
Quote:
But when Katryna and Arneya reached the exit, the doors were closed and some guards blocked the way, some holding weapons.
Change to: "... the doors were closed, with guards blocking the way?..."
Quote:
The two Guardians had seen dragons like them before in the capital, but they never knew what breed they were.
Change to "... but they had never known"
Quote:
The Gaoler glanced at another guard next to him for a moment.
Since in the sentence previously, the two sisters are wondering about what breed they are, I'd hold off on using the term 'Gaoler'.
Quote:
In a small place like their home, all she had was her family, books, and imagination.
I would change this wording. When I first read it, I thought she was describing the castle as small, which confused me because it was originally described as very large. Then I realized she meant 'home' as in the place she and her sisters came from.
Quote:
Arneya had never had to handle any sort of attacks
'Attack' should be singular not plural.
Quote:
The most she’d seen was their father’s kills when he went hunting for them, but that was about it.
This sentence is a little vague. Try: "The only violence she'd been exposed to were her father's kills when he went off hunting..."
Quote:
Katryna seemed to notice her trembling, because she got closer and whispered to her.
Try to avoid using 'got' if you can, since it's such a non-descriptive word. 'Moved' would be used better here.
Quote:
Standing with his fellow guards on the front lines nearby the palace, Calemvir kept an eye out for any signs of the Serthis. He waited for any signal to get moving as well as any word from the sentries in the watchtowers.
You used 'any' three times in two sentences. Maybe consider rewording these sentences?
Quote:
According to the sentries in the West, the Serthis managed to climb over the trees and found the entrances somehow, breaking through and invading.
'West' should be in lower case.
Quote:
He didn't know too much about the Serthis, but he did know that their groups had been growing and changing their dynamics.
'Changing their dynamics' is a really vague description. What does it mean?
Quote:
As they got closer, he recognized them as Chara and the Chief Guard, Clawrake.
Same as above. 'Got' is a pretty bland word. In this case, "... as they flew closer..." is a better term.
Quote:
She was a guard in the capital, after all.
You could probably delete this sentence.
Quote:
He was one of the dragons that were charged with guarding the dragons of authority, specifically the leader.
Change the comma to an em dash (—)
Quote:
He'd been on the field before, but he was given that position later on.
This sentence is just a little awkward. Try: "Before he was given this position, he'd just been a regular field soldier."
Quote:
Shadarsia was with Umbra in her own chambers near the throne, and guards were standing in front of the door to the throne room both inside and outside
Comma before "both inside and outside".
Quote:
While the clan had many guards fighting for them, they sometimes hired mercenaries. Due to that, debts happened.
I'm a little confused why that second sentence is there. It seems like an irrelevant detail to the seige/attack that is going on.
Quote:
During attacks, the weaker dragons in the palace like servants were hidden away in guarded cellars.
Delete "the weaker dragons in the place like"
Quote:
"We have reports that some Serthis made it into the palace.
Change to: "We have reports that some Sethis have made it into the palace."
Quote:
"Perhaps it's so hard for someone to simply close a window."
Your use of the word 'perhaps' is a little odd. I suggest you change it to: "How is it so difficult for dragons to close a window?"
Quote:
She faced the door again, "Is that all?"
This should be a period, not a comma.
Quote:
Serthis had hidden in the room with them.
Change to: "A group of Sethis had hidden in the room with them."
Quote:
Shadarsia could hear her telling the guards what was going on. Not that it mattered, because they were ordered to stay in their position.
Change to: "... was going on—not that it mattered, because they were..."
Quote:
Shadarsia swung her sword horizontally at the Serthis, but only managed to hit one.
'Horizontally' isn't a typical sword description. I suggest removing it.
Quote:
She noticed one of them had a bottle of toxins which were blue.
Comma after 'toxins'
Quote:
Strong enough to take down a Guardian. Shadarsia thought.
Comma rather than a period.
Quote:
The one with the toxins were behind the other Serthis, so she would have to get past them in order to target him.
Change to: "The one with the toxins was behind..."
Quote:
The Beastclans were smaller and quicker, though.
Delete comma.
Quote:
The bad thing about armor is that it slows you down if it's too heavy.
You switched to present tense again. "The bad thing about armor was that it slowed you down if it was too heavy."
Quote:
But there wasn't a large number of them in the room, so it was something Shadarsia could handle.
Delete "in the room"
Quote:
But what ticked Shadarsia off the most was how these snakes dared to try and sneak up on her and her daughter.
If you're looking for a stronger adjective, I'd suggest 'enraged'. For example, "What enraged Shadarsia the most..."
Quote:
As far as she was concerned, Umbra was the first daughter she actually raised.
Change to: "The first daughter she had actually..."