Creative Corner

@KaineRallis

Just so you're aware, I just checked our your document and it's, uh, fourteen pages. Which isn't to say that I won't do a critique, but I'll probably work on it slowly each day while I finish other, shorter ones before yours.

Also, because it's so long, I also just converted it into a Google Doc and I'm just making comments on there instead of here. I'll send you the link when I finish.

@cossmiicdolphin [b]Overall: [/b] I really like the imagery you use in your write. Your descriptions are often very rich and they paint a very clear image of the setting that you’re in. I also loved the little purple Fae, with what little I saw of him! I really enjoyed your world building abilities as well! For the critique, from what I could see, you were formatting dialogue wrong, but I’ve explained how to do it properly down below. If you still have any questions about it, please let me know! There were also a couple instances where the wording was just plain awkward, or could be tweaked to flow more naturally. I’ve pointed it out below where I could. Last thing! Minor issues, but keep in mind that not everything needs to have multiple descriptors. For example, not everything has to be ‘quickly swooped in’ or ‘glowing pale blue’. Sometimes it can simply be ‘glowing’ or simply ‘swooped in’ etc. [b]Details: [/b] [quote]You find yourself in a dark forest — well, it would be dark, however the sky above was filled to the brim of gleaming, glowing stars and constellations, luminating the entire wood.[/quote] Comma after ‘however’. Change ‘luminating’ to ‘illuminating’. [quote]Lanterns and fairy lights are hung from every glowing Starwood tree, casting pale blue, pink, white, and yellow glows on every surface.[/quote] Starwood doesn’t need to be capitalized. Think of how you would use an actual tree name in a sentence. It would be, for example: ‘The poplar tree sat at the top of the hill.’ So, no capitals. [quote]You see fallen pale blue, glowing petals litter the walkway; the path is also lined with large crystals on every kind, from rose quartz to tiger's eye to amethyst. [/quote] This is mostly personal preference, but I’d get rid of the ‘you see’ at the beginning of the sentence. My main reason is because the paragraph already has multiple ‘you’s’. The secondary reason is simply just that the sentence works well without it. [quote]You consider picking one up to inspect the precious gemstone more carefully, but a lurking cloud over you silently warns otherwise. [/quote] Change ‘gemstone’ to ‘gemstones’. [quote]You closed your eyes to protect them from poking leaves and sticks — however, once you open them, they instinctively widen to take in the beauty before them.[/quote] Tweak the wording around ‘poking leaves and sticks’. I had to read it a couple times before I realized that it wasn’t the eyes that were poking the sticks. I’d recommend ‘being poked by’ instead. [quote]The grassy, flower-filled land gradually dips in for miles to see, creating a reverse hill in a sense. [/quote] The wording here is a little awkward. Play around with it more and see what you get. [quote]Most structures are finely made from dark wood, with more lanterns and fairy lights illuminating the buildings. [/quote] Delete ‘finely’ as it just detracts from the subject. I would also change ‘from’ to ‘of’, so: ‘...most of the structures are made of dark wood, with even more lanterns and fairy lights strung from the buildings.’ [quote]The grassy, flower-filled land gradually dips in for miles to see, creating a reverse hill in a sense. Most structures are finely made from dark wood, with more lanterns and fairy lights illuminating the buildings. However, a giant, crystalline palace lies across the vast dip in the earth, miles away from you. Despite the deep night, you don't struggle at all to see throughout the shimmering clan.[/quote] You need to mention right off the bat that there is a village in the dip. You ended off on the person awestruck by the beauty, but then you lost me when you started describing ‘finely made structures’ because I was assuming she was awestruck from a nice view and that there was nothing else in the hill. It only dawned on me later that she was looking out on a clan, with houses. [quote]"..Name." He asks.[/quote] Format it like so. “... Name,” he asks. [quote]Or, you think he asks — his small but stern tone made no indication of being a question, but you can assume so. [/quote] Change ‘made’ to ‘makes’ [quote]You tell him you are a traveller exploring Starfall Isles, when you came across a quaint, glowing path. [/quote] The first half of the sentence and the second don’t match. You have to change one or the other. It would look like: ‘You tell him you are a traveller exploring Starfall Isles and you had come across a quaint, glowing pass’ or ‘You tell him you were exploring the Starfall Isles when you came across a quaint, glowing path’. [quote]"Clan of Northern Star." He informs you, before fluttering away.[/quote] With dialogue, same as above, you don’t use a period when the speech is attached to things like ‘he said’ or ‘she said’ etc. You actually use a comma. So, it would be formatted like this: “Clan of Nothern Star,” he informs you, before fluttering away.

@Egg
aa thank you so much! i'm not very experienced in writing so this helped a lot! i appreciate the advice! <3

@Exceed [b]Overall:[/b] Short and sweet! I'm very interested in hearing more about the little dragons that make up this band of warriors, and also how they tried to kill the Lightbringer (oh my [i]god[/i]) but I'm afraid I have a lot more of these to go through. Your strength is in your storytelling and how you're able to creative an interesting and compelling narrative. I particularly loved the part in the blurb where it talks about the rumours of this little band of warriors. As for critiques, cut down the length of your sentences! Hack them in half or hack them in thirds. While a long sentence isn't inherently bad, because of them you sometimes have phrasing that seems awkward or tacked on. Also, change all your dashes and double dashes into em dashes (more on that below). [b]Details:[/b] [quote]the blades of radiance, the harbingers of dawn-- they’re the sort of warriors that are only spoken of in whispers, their devotion to the lightbringer shining above the concerns of commoners. [/quote] Em dash, not dash (—) [quote]they are some of the few dragons skilled enough to decimate any forces that threaten the land- from regular monsters to beastclan bands to even emperors, they roam the land in search of what troubles its inhabitants and training those that wish to be exalted to serve more directly under Her.[/quote] Again, use an em dash and not a dash (—). For the list part of the sentence, try: '...from regular monsters to beastclan bands and even to emperors, they...' This sentence also runs a little long. You can probably chop off the last bit of the sentence starting with 'they roam..' and make that into a new sentence. [quote]some wonder what brought this small band of dragons into the day, or why they hunted down abominations and dissenters like their lives could only be spent in service to their deity, only allowed to carry out Her will as they traveled.[/quote] Change 'like' to 'as if'. [quote]those first few, the ones that doubted their good intentions, despite their smiles to the hatchlings and their calm dispositions- they were more right than they ever could dream of being.[/quote] Em dash! (—) Also, that first comma is unnecessary. The second part of the sentence is also a little awkward and can be tweaked. Try: '... good intentions despite their calm dispositions and the way they'd smile at hatchlings—they were more right...'

@cossmiicdolphin

This is late, but you're very welcome!

@Egg

ahh, yeah, i do have a problem with longer sentences, don't i? i always get caught up in what my mind's throwing out that i forget to chop things up to be read easier vhbnjhvbjnk

my mind just goes "this makes sense to you! bam!" and forgets to go "wait maybe most people don't think of these as things that flow well"

thank you so much! and yep,,,, they tried and failed to kill glittermom

@Egg would you be willing to do short stories (non-fr related) ~2 pages? ^^

@TorisLaurinaitis I’m so sorry for the delay! Life got kind of hectic and then I had no time to do this for a while. But here you are! [b]Overall:[/b] So there are two components to this little blurb so I’ll address the separately. I’ll start off with your descriptions. This comprises the first couple of paragraphs where you’re describing the forest. Overall, this is where you excel. Your writing is gorgeous! You know how to spin language in a picturesque and dreamy way. The one thing you need to be careful of is to make sure there’s sustenance to that type of writing and that it’s not just empty. While ‘replenishing the life that had been drained from the restless forest’ sounds gorgeous... what does a restless forest mean? Why is it being replenished? I have a tendency to do the same. I need to constantly tell myself: ‘These words are put together in a nice sounding way, but what are they actually describing and why?’ The next component of your writing is how you describe people and their actions. I find that you tend to use double descriptors in one sentence. For example ‘triumphantly and satisfactory smile’ or ‘harmonically with bright smile’. If you just stick the one descriptor the sentences would have a lot more punch, since they’d be a lot more concise. And this is just general feedback, but maybe consider keep the text left aligned instead of center aligned? [b]Details:[/b] [quote]Rain glides off the leaves in the deep forest, replenishing the life that had been drained from the restless forest. [/quote] This is a pretty abrupt way to start your story. Try and help position the reader somehow. It’s a pretty minor issue though, so this is up to your discretion if you’d like to change it or not. [quote]Sparrows soar from tree to tree, darting between the falling raindrops. [/quote] You might want to change to a different kind of bird. I did a quick Wikipedia search and apparently sparrows generally live in open habitats, so they wouldn’t be found in forests. [quote]It seemed to calm you, with everything so soundless, yet wonderfully orchestrated. [/quote] You switched from present tense to past tense here. Change ‘seemed’ to ‘seem’. Or, I would actually do away with the word altogether, because ‘seem’ is such a vague word. [quote]You reach a small clearing where the sun soaks the ferns and the wings of small insects glitter with the sun’s rays. [/quote] I’m a little confused about the weather change. It was raining previously, so when did the sun come out? Try and mention, perhaps, the sun breaking out between the clouds. [quote]A dragonfly-- no, a damselfly, small and delicate, flitters in front of you to catch up with the others sitting on the sign posted among the bushes. [/quote] Use an em dash (—) instead of two dashes put together. Instead of ‘the others’, try and use another descriptor. For example: ‘...flitters in front of you to catch up with its fellow members sitting upon the sign posted in the bushes.’ [quote]The sign read “Damselfly Wings - Art and Lore”, with an additional “Deals!” sprawled on the bottom. [/quote] You’ve switched tense from present to past again. Change ‘read’ to ‘reads’. [quote]You curiously walk into the doorless entrance, looking around at the art that hung on the walls and the countless scrolls on shelves. [/quote] Try and change up the sentence structure a bit, just to add a little more interest. You can’t technically walk ‘into’ an entrance as well, so change it to ‘through the entrance’. All together, it might look like: ‘Curious, you walk through the doorless entrance to look at the art hung all over the walls...’ Also, just before this sentence, you might want to add a little sentence about the exterior of the store itself. You only mention a sign, and then immediately afterwards the character is walking through a door. [quote]A Spiral flies in after her and sits on the desk and starts rummaging through her stuff for a treat. [/quote] Too many ‘ands’. The part about the spiral sitting on the desk is unnecessary so you can just cut the middle part right out. As well, you don’t need to capitalize the word ‘spiral’. Think of it as an animal name. If you were writing about tigers, you wouldn’t capitalize the word tiger in a sentence. [quote]The spiral lifts up it's little cookie triumphantly and eats it right down with a satisfactory smile. [/quote] Try: ‘...it’s little cookie triumphantly and downs it with a satisfactory smile.’ [quote]A boy quite taller than Kes stumbles in, obviously missing his cue yet not wanting to miss his part. [/quote] Should be: ‘quite a bit taller’ [quote]A Skydancer pokes its head through the door he came through and snapped at the the pencil in his hand, and Celadon consequently drops it and scowls at the Skydancer before stroking it's head. [/quote] Same thing as above. No need to capitalize skydancer. You changed tenses again from present to past. ‘Snapped’ should be ‘snaps’. The sentence runs a little long. You can probably cut it in half when Celadon drops the pencil. I’m also not sure if you should be using Celadon’s name before he’s introduced himself, but of course, that’s up to your discretion! [quote]“Kes’ business partner of sorts,” he says picking up his fallen pencil and continues to pet the curious dragon's head. [/quote] Two ways to fix this. ‘...picking up his fallen pencil and continuing to pet...’ or ‘...picking up his fallen pencil as he continues to pet...’ [quote]“So I also run this shop,” he says with a slight pout at Kes for not being mentioned before, “and I draw human OCs and humanoids with paper pencil as well. I also write bios and lore as well.” [/quote] Do you mean ‘paper and pencil’? [quote]They stand in silence for a second both thinking of what they could have missed. [/quote] Comma after ‘second’ [quote]Um… For all services we need details and specifics depending on what you would like. [/quote] No need to capitalize after an ellipse.

@GreatLordHades

This is for Unnatural Hatred.

Overall, I really love your flow and your story writing abilities! You have a very good sense of how a story should move along - when it should pause and when it should move quicker, for example. You also really know how to make an impact. The ending hit very hard.

Some things could work on are:

• Formatting dialogue. An example of a properly formatted piece of dialogue is: "Hi," she said. Note the comma and the lowercase.
• Try to be more descriptive - not necessarily with the surroundings (although that would be good too) but with your character and what's happening to them. For example, did bile rise up in her throat at the sight? Did her heartbeat quicken?