Creative Corner
Share your own art and stories, or ask for critique.
TOPIC | harsh writing critiques (closed)
@Egg
(eyes emoji) destroy me
mostly looking for critique on the writing on the first post of this. if you wish to do more, it'd be chill if you did the blurbs of the dragons or the story on the third post- might be useful to read the blurbs beforehand if you wanna read that, though.
(eyes emoji) destroy me
mostly looking for critique on the writing on the first post of this. if you wish to do more, it'd be chill if you did the blurbs of the dragons or the story on the third post- might be useful to read the blurbs beforehand if you wanna read that, though.
@Egg
I'm totally redoing my shop and I want to maybe improve the beginning lore and stuffs. If you could just [b]tear me to shreds[/b] on my writing, that would be awesome.
[center][url=http://www1.flightrising.com/forums/art/2220408][img]http://img07.deviantart.net/6217/i/2017/179/1/4/logo_by_damselflywings-dbec5k7.jpg[/img][/url]
@Egg
I'm totally redoing my shop and I want to maybe improve the beginning lore and stuffs. If you could just tear me to shreds on my writing, that would be awesome.
I'm totally redoing my shop and I want to maybe improve the beginning lore and stuffs. If you could just tear me to shreds on my writing, that would be awesome.
@Egg Hey uh! Ive kinda worked hard on the stories here, here and here, and I was wondering if you could review them! just note, im not feeling so great lately and i would appreciate it if you went easy on me.
also, the 'stories of a flower petal' one has a lot more character information and crap posts than stories, but the actual stories are on the first two chapters
(Note, they were made WAY before I fully developed anything, so be careful, also tw for unnatural hatred as it contains a suicide and tw for darkened skies as it contains drugging and kidnapping) so uh, if you want to read up on my characters, then I would be a happy lil bee
also, the 'stories of a flower petal' one has a lot more character information and crap posts than stories, but the actual stories are on the first two chapters
(Note, they were made WAY before I fully developed anything, so be careful, also tw for unnatural hatred as it contains a suicide and tw for darkened skies as it contains drugging and kidnapping) so uh, if you want to read up on my characters, then I would be a happy lil bee
@Egg Hey uh! Ive kinda worked hard on the stories here, here and here, and I was wondering if you could review them! just note, im not feeling so great lately and i would appreciate it if you went easy on me.
also, the 'stories of a flower petal' one has a lot more character information and crap posts than stories, but the actual stories are on the first two chapters
(Note, they were made WAY before I fully developed anything, so be careful, also tw for unnatural hatred as it contains a suicide and tw for darkened skies as it contains drugging and kidnapping) so uh, if you want to read up on my characters, then I would be a happy lil bee
also, the 'stories of a flower petal' one has a lot more character information and crap posts than stories, but the actual stories are on the first two chapters
(Note, they were made WAY before I fully developed anything, so be careful, also tw for unnatural hatred as it contains a suicide and tw for darkened skies as it contains drugging and kidnapping) so uh, if you want to read up on my characters, then I would be a happy lil bee
Oh, but can't you feel it?! The void, it's calling me- Calling all of us! It wants to eat our souls, so that we never ascend to the heavens, it wants to absorb us! It needs sustenance, so that it may expand and envelop this whole useless world! All that muck and grime, the ooze, it will fill every crevice of reality, and it will change the world into a paradise! All you have to do is live to see it!
And why aren't I scared? Because the void is the afterlife, and I am its Grim Reaper!
And why aren't I scared? Because the void is the afterlife, and I am its Grim Reaper!
@Egg
Just finished a bio on a dragon of mine - i'm feelin ok pls dont hurt me
I know the ending is rough - came here also to ask for some advice on how to improve the end!
[url=http://flightrising.com/main.php?dragon=43052962]
[img]http://flightrising.com/rendern/350/430530/43052962_350.png[/img]
[/url]
@Egg
Just finished a bio on a dragon of mine - i'm feelin ok pls dont hurt me
I know the ending is rough - came here also to ask for some advice on how to improve the end!
Just finished a bio on a dragon of mine - i'm feelin ok pls dont hurt me
I know the ending is rough - came here also to ask for some advice on how to improve the end!
|
+3 hrs she/her ravenclaw infp i love potc |
@CalicoRadio
[b]Overall: [/b] You have a really good sense of description. I could picture your story quite clearly simply from your description of the town itself to the descriptions of events and wildlife. I love the world building you did here as well, with the whole contrast between city and country, the flowers, and all that!
One thing you need to work on though is describing the character themselves! While your writing is rich is describing setting and scenario, your descriptions of how your character feels and what they’re doing is lacking a lot. For example, did her knees go weak? Did her heart twist in her chest? Were her hands shaking? Etcetera. The reason I’m emphasizing it is because it helps the reader empathize with the character. The way you worded some of the lines around her feelings seemed really callous at times.
And this wasn’t a major issue, but there were a couple areas where the flow was disrupted and the transition from one scene to the next was abrupt. I’ve pointed it out where I noticed it.
[b]Details:[/b]
[quote]Raiders from Lightning decided they would attack Light’s borders in a series of ambushes on border clans in that “holy war” called Dominance. [/quote]
This sentence is really convoluted and dense, which makes it tough to read. There’s so much going on here that I’d suggest you split this into two, or even three sentences. An example might be: ‘Dominance. The so called “holy war” that incited raiders from Lighting to attack the clans on the outermost borders of Light.’
[quote]Cleopatra sounded cynical even to her ears, but because of Dominance, her family was dead. [/quote]
Currently, this sounds very unemotional, clinical even, considering it’s her family’s death that you’re talking about. I’d suggest that you add more monologue on her feelings about her family’s death. Was she devastated? Did she cry for weeks? Try and describe how she felt.
[quote]Thousands upon thousands of Suncatchers surrounded Shanti, lighting up the night like they were fallen stars and could set the world on fire. [/quote]
I’m not sure what a suncatcher is—I’m assuming it’s some sort of object? Or are they the name of the flowers? In both cases, it doesn’t need to be capitalized. Also, try and make it explicitly clear that the golden flowers are called suncatchers.
[quote]The Suncatchers were what had always lead Cleopatra back home, but they were what had attracted the raiders.[/quote]
Change to: ‘...but they were also what had attracted the raiders.’
[quote]The night before Adara, to be precise, and everyone was in the town center with their lanterns lit and Suncatchers in their hair, gathered like cows for slaughter. [/quote]
Suncatchers doesn’t need to be capitalized.
[quote]People moved into Shanti. No one left.[/quote]
I’d recommend just merging this into one sentence. For some reason, ‘no one left’ sounds divorced from the first sentence. I’d recommend: ‘People moved into Shanti, not out of it’.
[quote]It always left scars.
When she had seen the torches flooding down from a path on the hill opposite to her, Cleopatra had brushed it off.[/quote]
Two things. Change ‘had seen’ to ‘saw’. Also, the transition from the first line to the second line is very abrupt.
[quote]And then she saw the tell-tale blue flicker of electric sparks, and deep down she knew it was raiders.[/quote]
Comma is unnecessary.
[quote]Indeed, if Cleopatra had run to town, she would have made it in time to warn the villagers and given them at least enough time to gather weapons- but then there would have been no guarantee she would have made it out alive.[/quote]
Use an em dash (—) instead of a dash.
[quote]But on nights like this, when it was just her hiding in her room while the rest of the Court celebrated Adara, it was all she could think about.[/quote]
Court doesn’t need to be capitalized.
[quote]Or if she’d at least turned and run, she wouldn’t have had to watch them all die, and their bodies might not be chasing her in her dreams.[/quote]
Change to: ‘...bodies wouldn’t be chasing her in her dreams.’
[quote]Anyone who had remained home- the elderly, the sick, the infants- were ripped from their homes and were rounded up into the plaza with the others, then ripped apart.[/quote]
Em dashes (—) instead of dashes! Also, change to: ‘...the infants—were ripped from their homes and rounded up...’
[quote]She could feel herself taking in the light from the Suncatchers and the moon, the stars and her dying torch. [/quote]
Suncatcher doesn’t need to be capitalized.
[quote]But Cleopatra couldn’t- no, she wouldn’t do anything.[/quote]
Em dash! (—)
[quote]Why wouldn’t she do anything? [/quote]
Change to: ‘Why wasn’t she doing anything?’
[quote]The noises didn’t dull even after the raiders had killed everyone in Shanti. [/quote]
‘Subside’ might be a better word to use here than ‘dull’.
[quote]Nothing was left behind, especially not the fragment.[/quote]
When you previously mentioned the fragment, you had capitalized it. Here, it isn’t capitalized. Choose to do one or the other and keep that convention throughout the entire story.
[quote]Cleopatra could almost pretend it was storm that destroyed Shanti until she saw the piles of bodies.[/quote]
Add in: ‘... almost pretend it was the storm...’
[quote]Cleopatra had risen to her feet, concentrating the light into blistering rays that exploded out of her hands, burning them on contact.[/quote]
Change to: ‘Cleopatra rose to her...’
[quote]Even after she had put the ashes far behind her, she never left. [/quote]
Remove ‘had’.
@CalicoRadio
Overall: You have a really good sense of description. I could picture your story quite clearly simply from your description of the town itself to the descriptions of events and wildlife. I love the world building you did here as well, with the whole contrast between city and country, the flowers, and all that!
One thing you need to work on though is describing the character themselves! While your writing is rich is describing setting and scenario, your descriptions of how your character feels and what they’re doing is lacking a lot. For example, did her knees go weak? Did her heart twist in her chest? Were her hands shaking? Etcetera. The reason I’m emphasizing it is because it helps the reader empathize with the character. The way you worded some of the lines around her feelings seemed really callous at times.
And this wasn’t a major issue, but there were a couple areas where the flow was disrupted and the transition from one scene to the next was abrupt. I’ve pointed it out where I noticed it.
Details:
This sentence is really convoluted and dense, which makes it tough to read. There’s so much going on here that I’d suggest you split this into two, or even three sentences. An example might be: ‘Dominance. The so called “holy war” that incited raiders from Lighting to attack the clans on the outermost borders of Light.’
Currently, this sounds very unemotional, clinical even, considering it’s her family’s death that you’re talking about. I’d suggest that you add more monologue on her feelings about her family’s death. Was she devastated? Did she cry for weeks? Try and describe how she felt.
I’m not sure what a suncatcher is—I’m assuming it’s some sort of object? Or are they the name of the flowers? In both cases, it doesn’t need to be capitalized. Also, try and make it explicitly clear that the golden flowers are called suncatchers.
Change to: ‘...but they were also what had attracted the raiders.’
Suncatchers doesn’t need to be capitalized.
I’d recommend just merging this into one sentence. For some reason, ‘no one left’ sounds divorced from the first sentence. I’d recommend: ‘People moved into Shanti, not out of it’.
Two things. Change ‘had seen’ to ‘saw’. Also, the transition from the first line to the second line is very abrupt.
Comma is unnecessary.
Use an em dash (—) instead of a dash.
Court doesn’t need to be capitalized.
Change to: ‘...bodies wouldn’t be chasing her in her dreams.’
Em dashes (—) instead of dashes! Also, change to: ‘...the infants—were ripped from their homes and rounded up...’
Suncatcher doesn’t need to be capitalized.
Em dash! (—)
Change to: ‘Why wasn’t she doing anything?’
‘Subside’ might be a better word to use here than ‘dull’.
When you previously mentioned the fragment, you had capitalized it. Here, it isn’t capitalized. Choose to do one or the other and keep that convention throughout the entire story.
Add in: ‘... almost pretend it was the storm...’
Change to: ‘Cleopatra rose to her...’
Remove ‘had’.
Overall: You have a really good sense of description. I could picture your story quite clearly simply from your description of the town itself to the descriptions of events and wildlife. I love the world building you did here as well, with the whole contrast between city and country, the flowers, and all that!
One thing you need to work on though is describing the character themselves! While your writing is rich is describing setting and scenario, your descriptions of how your character feels and what they’re doing is lacking a lot. For example, did her knees go weak? Did her heart twist in her chest? Were her hands shaking? Etcetera. The reason I’m emphasizing it is because it helps the reader empathize with the character. The way you worded some of the lines around her feelings seemed really callous at times.
And this wasn’t a major issue, but there were a couple areas where the flow was disrupted and the transition from one scene to the next was abrupt. I’ve pointed it out where I noticed it.
Details:
Quote:
Raiders from Lightning decided they would attack Light’s borders in a series of ambushes on border clans in that “holy war” called Dominance.
This sentence is really convoluted and dense, which makes it tough to read. There’s so much going on here that I’d suggest you split this into two, or even three sentences. An example might be: ‘Dominance. The so called “holy war” that incited raiders from Lighting to attack the clans on the outermost borders of Light.’
Quote:
Cleopatra sounded cynical even to her ears, but because of Dominance, her family was dead.
Currently, this sounds very unemotional, clinical even, considering it’s her family’s death that you’re talking about. I’d suggest that you add more monologue on her feelings about her family’s death. Was she devastated? Did she cry for weeks? Try and describe how she felt.
Quote:
Thousands upon thousands of Suncatchers surrounded Shanti, lighting up the night like they were fallen stars and could set the world on fire.
I’m not sure what a suncatcher is—I’m assuming it’s some sort of object? Or are they the name of the flowers? In both cases, it doesn’t need to be capitalized. Also, try and make it explicitly clear that the golden flowers are called suncatchers.
Quote:
The Suncatchers were what had always lead Cleopatra back home, but they were what had attracted the raiders.
Change to: ‘...but they were also what had attracted the raiders.’
Quote:
The night before Adara, to be precise, and everyone was in the town center with their lanterns lit and Suncatchers in their hair, gathered like cows for slaughter.
Suncatchers doesn’t need to be capitalized.
Quote:
People moved into Shanti. No one left.
I’d recommend just merging this into one sentence. For some reason, ‘no one left’ sounds divorced from the first sentence. I’d recommend: ‘People moved into Shanti, not out of it’.
Quote:
It always left scars.
When she had seen the torches flooding down from a path on the hill opposite to her, Cleopatra had brushed it off.
When she had seen the torches flooding down from a path on the hill opposite to her, Cleopatra had brushed it off.
Two things. Change ‘had seen’ to ‘saw’. Also, the transition from the first line to the second line is very abrupt.
Quote:
And then she saw the tell-tale blue flicker of electric sparks, and deep down she knew it was raiders.
Comma is unnecessary.
Quote:
Indeed, if Cleopatra had run to town, she would have made it in time to warn the villagers and given them at least enough time to gather weapons- but then there would have been no guarantee she would have made it out alive.
Use an em dash (—) instead of a dash.
Quote:
But on nights like this, when it was just her hiding in her room while the rest of the Court celebrated Adara, it was all she could think about.
Court doesn’t need to be capitalized.
Quote:
Or if she’d at least turned and run, she wouldn’t have had to watch them all die, and their bodies might not be chasing her in her dreams.
Change to: ‘...bodies wouldn’t be chasing her in her dreams.’
Quote:
Anyone who had remained home- the elderly, the sick, the infants- were ripped from their homes and were rounded up into the plaza with the others, then ripped apart.
Em dashes (—) instead of dashes! Also, change to: ‘...the infants—were ripped from their homes and rounded up...’
Quote:
She could feel herself taking in the light from the Suncatchers and the moon, the stars and her dying torch.
Suncatcher doesn’t need to be capitalized.
Quote:
But Cleopatra couldn’t- no, she wouldn’t do anything.
Em dash! (—)
Quote:
Why wouldn’t she do anything?
Change to: ‘Why wasn’t she doing anything?’
Quote:
The noises didn’t dull even after the raiders had killed everyone in Shanti.
‘Subside’ might be a better word to use here than ‘dull’.
Quote:
Nothing was left behind, especially not the fragment.
When you previously mentioned the fragment, you had capitalized it. Here, it isn’t capitalized. Choose to do one or the other and keep that convention throughout the entire story.
Quote:
Cleopatra could almost pretend it was storm that destroyed Shanti until she saw the piles of bodies.
Add in: ‘... almost pretend it was the storm...’
Quote:
Cleopatra had risen to her feet, concentrating the light into blistering rays that exploded out of her hands, burning them on contact.
Change to: ‘Cleopatra rose to her...’
Quote:
Even after she had put the ashes far behind her, she never left.
Remove ‘had’.
@Adaris
You’re a great writer, so I hope this helped you gain some more confidence! Keep on swimming :>
You’re a great writer, so I hope this helped you gain some more confidence! Keep on swimming :>
@Adaris
You’re a great writer, so I hope this helped you gain some more confidence! Keep on swimming :>
You’re a great writer, so I hope this helped you gain some more confidence! Keep on swimming :>
@Egg
Thank you for the critique, it was very helpful! The reason why Cleopatra's reaction comes off as so clinical is because she's supposed to be an emotionally detached character. Her way of "processing" trauma is that she doesn't. She tries to ignore her problems and forget about them, but I feel I didn't convey that well enough. Do you have any advice for me about that?
Thank you for the critique, it was very helpful! The reason why Cleopatra's reaction comes off as so clinical is because she's supposed to be an emotionally detached character. Her way of "processing" trauma is that she doesn't. She tries to ignore her problems and forget about them, but I feel I didn't convey that well enough. Do you have any advice for me about that?
@Egg
Thank you for the critique, it was very helpful! The reason why Cleopatra's reaction comes off as so clinical is because she's supposed to be an emotionally detached character. Her way of "processing" trauma is that she doesn't. She tries to ignore her problems and forget about them, but I feel I didn't convey that well enough. Do you have any advice for me about that?
Thank you for the critique, it was very helpful! The reason why Cleopatra's reaction comes off as so clinical is because she's supposed to be an emotionally detached character. Her way of "processing" trauma is that she doesn't. She tries to ignore her problems and forget about them, but I feel I didn't convey that well enough. Do you have any advice for me about that?
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@CalicoRadio
You're very welcome! In that case, I have no advice for you, since that's exactly how she comes across! :)
You're very welcome! In that case, I have no advice for you, since that's exactly how she comes across! :)
@CalicoRadio
You're very welcome! In that case, I have no advice for you, since that's exactly how she comes across! :)
You're very welcome! In that case, I have no advice for you, since that's exactly how she comes across! :)
@Ochaco
No, I think [i]you're[/i] the one with a nice username! ;)
This critique is for Scryer.
[b]Overall: [/b] For some reason, while reading this, I both love and hate him. You've made him a really colourful character, and he absolutely comes to life with your writing!
Critique-wise, all of your sentences are very lengthy. Many of them are three to four lines long [i]each[/i]. Try and mix things up and toss in shorter sentences as well. The flow of your sentences will improve a lot just by doing that. Not only that, shorter sentences can help give a lot of impact to a story as long as you utilize them right.
You also tend to use a lot of commas where commas aren't strictly necessary. Going back to flow, it sometimes makes your sentences hard to read. I absolutely have this problem as well, so I've tried to point it out where I noticed it. Let me know if you have any questions about what I wrote here or below!
[b]Details:[/b]
[quote]Scryer was always playing a leading role - from childhood to his own demise, he sought out leadership, and the attention and loyalty that came with it. [/quote]
Em dash (—) instead of dash! That comma is also unnecessary.
[quote]He was never taught right from wrong, from an absent father and a mother working too hard she could not teach him, and from this, he conjured up his own skewered morality, one that he followed religiously and could not fathom changing.[/quote]
This sentence is too lengthy. You can chop it into two, with one sentence being 'was never taught right or wrong' and the other being 'his skewed mentality'.
The wording of the first half of the sentence could also use some tweaking. I would suggest: 'He was never taught right from wrong, [b]with[/b] an absent father and a mother working...'
[quote]' the strong live, the weak die, and the mundane follow. '[/quote]
Make sure you capitalize the first word! Remove the spaces between the apostrophes as well.
[quote]Scryer, striven to be strong - stronger than anyone in the whole kingdom - would do anything to get that power, even if that meant playing dirty. [/quote]
Change to: 'Scryer strove to be strong—stronger than anyone in the whole kingdom—and he would do anything...'
[quote]After the fall of Griaule, the king without a heir to call to power, he immediately asserted himself as the new leader - after all, he was the Paladin commander, and the right-hand man to Griaule, so it was only fair. [/quote]
Change to: 'After the fall of Griaule, [b]a[/b] king without...' If you write 'the king', the reader will be confused because you've never introduced any kings previously. You can also remove the comma after 'commander'.
And change all your dashes to em dashes!
[quote]Nafadel saw through his facade, and challenged him to a duel, though it ended one-sided, as Scryer had years of training as apposed to the mage.[/quote]
'It ended one-sided' is a bit of an odd phrase to use. Perhaps try 'It was a one-sided fight'? You can also remove the second comma.
Typo: 'opposed' not 'apposed'.
[quote]A few years had passed, but Scryer, paranoid to the point of extremity, had a list of those he thought to be traitors against him - be it from his sheer gut feeling, or from those who looked at him wrong - and over half the kingdom's population was on an invisible hit-list he would soon carry out as a mass execution. [/quote]
This sentence needs to be chopped! Also, there's no need to use the first 'had'. So, for example, it should sound like: 'A few years passed but Scryer, paranoid to the point of extremity, had a list...' Also, change all your dashes to em dashes again.
[quote]They had both died from falling rubble, though only Scryer's body was found.[/quote]
Remove 'had'.
[quote]He was buried near the edge of the forest, though a night after his burial, grave-robbers had tried to dig him up, only to find an empty casket.[/quote]
Remove 'had'. Also, considering this is the last sentence, try and make it a little more impactful. Shorter sentences are ideal for this.
@Ochaco
No, I think you're the one with a nice username! ;)
This critique is for Scryer.
Overall: For some reason, while reading this, I both love and hate him. You've made him a really colourful character, and he absolutely comes to life with your writing!
Critique-wise, all of your sentences are very lengthy. Many of them are three to four lines long each. Try and mix things up and toss in shorter sentences as well. The flow of your sentences will improve a lot just by doing that. Not only that, shorter sentences can help give a lot of impact to a story as long as you utilize them right.
You also tend to use a lot of commas where commas aren't strictly necessary. Going back to flow, it sometimes makes your sentences hard to read. I absolutely have this problem as well, so I've tried to point it out where I noticed it. Let me know if you have any questions about what I wrote here or below!
Details:
Em dash (—) instead of dash! That comma is also unnecessary.
This sentence is too lengthy. You can chop it into two, with one sentence being 'was never taught right or wrong' and the other being 'his skewed mentality'.
The wording of the first half of the sentence could also use some tweaking. I would suggest: 'He was never taught right from wrong, with an absent father and a mother working...'
Make sure you capitalize the first word! Remove the spaces between the apostrophes as well.
Change to: 'Scryer strove to be strong—stronger than anyone in the whole kingdom—and he would do anything...'
Change to: 'After the fall of Griaule, a king without...' If you write 'the king', the reader will be confused because you've never introduced any kings previously. You can also remove the comma after 'commander'.
And change all your dashes to em dashes!
'It ended one-sided' is a bit of an odd phrase to use. Perhaps try 'It was a one-sided fight'? You can also remove the second comma.
Typo: 'opposed' not 'apposed'.
This sentence needs to be chopped! Also, there's no need to use the first 'had'. So, for example, it should sound like: 'A few years passed but Scryer, paranoid to the point of extremity, had a list...' Also, change all your dashes to em dashes again.
Remove 'had'.
Remove 'had'. Also, considering this is the last sentence, try and make it a little more impactful. Shorter sentences are ideal for this.
No, I think you're the one with a nice username! ;)
This critique is for Scryer.
Overall: For some reason, while reading this, I both love and hate him. You've made him a really colourful character, and he absolutely comes to life with your writing!
Critique-wise, all of your sentences are very lengthy. Many of them are three to four lines long each. Try and mix things up and toss in shorter sentences as well. The flow of your sentences will improve a lot just by doing that. Not only that, shorter sentences can help give a lot of impact to a story as long as you utilize them right.
You also tend to use a lot of commas where commas aren't strictly necessary. Going back to flow, it sometimes makes your sentences hard to read. I absolutely have this problem as well, so I've tried to point it out where I noticed it. Let me know if you have any questions about what I wrote here or below!
Details:
Quote:
Scryer was always playing a leading role - from childhood to his own demise, he sought out leadership, and the attention and loyalty that came with it.
Em dash (—) instead of dash! That comma is also unnecessary.
Quote:
He was never taught right from wrong, from an absent father and a mother working too hard she could not teach him, and from this, he conjured up his own skewered morality, one that he followed religiously and could not fathom changing.
This sentence is too lengthy. You can chop it into two, with one sentence being 'was never taught right or wrong' and the other being 'his skewed mentality'.
The wording of the first half of the sentence could also use some tweaking. I would suggest: 'He was never taught right from wrong, with an absent father and a mother working...'
Quote:
' the strong live, the weak die, and the mundane follow. '
Make sure you capitalize the first word! Remove the spaces between the apostrophes as well.
Quote:
Scryer, striven to be strong - stronger than anyone in the whole kingdom - would do anything to get that power, even if that meant playing dirty.
Change to: 'Scryer strove to be strong—stronger than anyone in the whole kingdom—and he would do anything...'
Quote:
After the fall of Griaule, the king without a heir to call to power, he immediately asserted himself as the new leader - after all, he was the Paladin commander, and the right-hand man to Griaule, so it was only fair.
Change to: 'After the fall of Griaule, a king without...' If you write 'the king', the reader will be confused because you've never introduced any kings previously. You can also remove the comma after 'commander'.
And change all your dashes to em dashes!
Quote:
Nafadel saw through his facade, and challenged him to a duel, though it ended one-sided, as Scryer had years of training as apposed to the mage.
'It ended one-sided' is a bit of an odd phrase to use. Perhaps try 'It was a one-sided fight'? You can also remove the second comma.
Typo: 'opposed' not 'apposed'.
Quote:
A few years had passed, but Scryer, paranoid to the point of extremity, had a list of those he thought to be traitors against him - be it from his sheer gut feeling, or from those who looked at him wrong - and over half the kingdom's population was on an invisible hit-list he would soon carry out as a mass execution.
This sentence needs to be chopped! Also, there's no need to use the first 'had'. So, for example, it should sound like: 'A few years passed but Scryer, paranoid to the point of extremity, had a list...' Also, change all your dashes to em dashes again.
Quote:
They had both died from falling rubble, though only Scryer's body was found.
Remove 'had'.
Quote:
He was buried near the edge of the forest, though a night after his burial, grave-robbers had tried to dig him up, only to find an empty casket.
Remove 'had'. Also, considering this is the last sentence, try and make it a little more impactful. Shorter sentences are ideal for this.