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Silverhame
You weren't kidding about the length! This is part one. I'll post the next part in a little bit, with the overview coming at the end instead of the beginning.
Details:
Quote:
At his hands many have died, but it is the gentle, inexorable and breathtakingly beautiful sleep of falling snow and a still winter night.
'Many have died at his hands...' is better. It uses active voice rather than passive voice.
Quote:
I am the Ender of All Paths, his soft cloudy breath declares. And his noiseless feet, I am the Weary One, and his mouth, Yet I must go on for I have not yet done the right thing. And his heart says, I long to love and be loved, but also not.
This entire paragraph is confusing to read. I get what you're trying to do, but it needs to be formatted/written differently. Try: 'I am the Ender of All Paths, his soft, cloudy breath declares. I am the Weary One, his noiseless feet whisper, while his mouth says, 'I must go on, for I have not yet done the right thing'. Yet his heart longs to love and be loved, and yet at the same time, not.
Quote:
A slip, and a crack of ice, and crashing snow and a white world. And everything he knew was gone beyond saving. In his ears rang a dragon’s cries for his mate, and in turn a mother’s cries for her son.
Remember that you're writing for an audience (unless you're writing for yourself only, in which case, feel free to disregard). As a reader, I'm not sure what's happening here. Did
he slip and cause an avalanche? Was it someone else? Are the dragons that are crying out his clan mates, or his family?
Wording wise, try: 'A slip, a crack of ice, and then snow is crashing down all around, burying his world in white. It only took a moment, and yet everything he knew was beyond saving.'
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He would always remember their first meeting — tiny and fluffy, gazing up at the great, grand Imperial who looked like she could squash him with a claw.
Try: 'He had been tiny and fluffy'.
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Unfortunately, right from the start it was evident that though he threw his heart into his studies, his mind and his paws could never match up.
Change 'though' to 'while'.
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When she told him a spell to repeat forwards and backwards, he said it backwards and forwards and sneezed halfway through.
Wording is awkward in the first half of the sentence. Try: 'When she told him to repeat a spell forwards and backwards...' I would also use 'then' in place of 'and', because the spell in in a sequence.
Quote:
It could not be long before he drove himself to disaster.
Change 'could' to 'would'.
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"Is that you, Ginkgo? Quick, it’s an emergency. My daughter’s been hit by a Centaur arrow."
Centaur doesn't need to be capitalized. Also, how does she know him when he calls her a stranger?
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He heard the little dragon’s moans before he saw her, and flinging down the bag, searched through her blood-soaked fluff for the projectile.
Comma should be placed after the 'and' and not before.
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"Shush," murmured Ginkgo, "it’s okay. We’ll fix you up right away," and dug through the bag, and went cold.
Separate into two sentences: "We'll fix you up right away." He dug through the bag and then went cold.
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The scent of healing magic was thick on the air.
Change 'on' to 'in'.
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...but the entrance had become a wall of pink-grey stone without trace or crack.
Should be: '... without a trace or crack.'
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Ever afterwards Ginkgo would wonder if Snow wept with him on the other side of the wall. And the phantom sound of her tears echoed in time with his feet as he walked, everywhere and nowhere.
Should be: 'Even afterwards...' You can get rid of the 'and' at the beginning of the second sentence too.
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Whatever he did, too many times he felt his patient sink down in his arms and saw their life melt away before his eyes.
Change 'whatever he did' to 'no matter what he did'.
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Snow would have mourned to see him struggling along with the rudest of country-healing, after all those hours of poring over scrolls and constructing lovely spells.
Is 'rudest' a typo? Did you mean 'crudest'?
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But he was Ginkgo after all, Ginkgo the Fool, Ginkgo the Useless.
Switch all commas for periods.
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And he was also Ginkgo Chaser of Ghosts, for as time went on...
Two options: 'And he was also Gingko, Chaser of Ghosts...' or 'And he was Gingko the Chaser of Ghosts...'