@
P4810
Just a general note, you say that these are all in a hospital. How did they end up in that mental hospital? Cyrus could have been brought there, but the rest are all very unclear.
Mother:
The "cannibal" bit is a little unclear in her lore. There's little hints, like in "
Mother loves baking. And eating", but I wouldn't have gotten it unless there was the "
a cannibal?" in the heading. Perhaps you could talk about what happens to the dragons that cross Mother? What about the ones that try to escape? Have there been any actual (successful) escapees, and why would they escape? (I recommend making it easy to infer that she ate them, but to not state it outright.)
Gavis:
I liked how most of the italicization had no punctuation. It really helped give off that desperate feeling. The way the beginning and ending were connected was very interesting, but also heart-breaking. Unlike some of the other dragons' lore, this is quite clearly not his decision to be like this, which makes it that more heartbreaking. The only main problem I have is: why the clan has a basin of water by his bed when you make it clear that this has happened before/they're used to it? If this has happened multiple times already, surely they would have figured out a better system of making sure that he had fresh water? Also, now my hands have this weird tingling/sweating feeling. Thank you for that.
Coriander:
I'm sorry if this was rude, but did you actually search up the possible mind-sets of serial killers? If you didn't, I highly recommend it. For most serial killers, there's usually a reason, like power. Very few are actually what most would call "crazy." I'm not going to get any deeper (mods, admins, ToS, etc.), but I would recommend just looking around and see if you can round out Coriander into a little bit more then "blood-thirsty insane killer" trope. Also, the baby dragon kind of felt more like a plot device than an actual caring creature that we were supposed to feel empathy for. Yes, it is a baby, so that does stir up some emotional response, but show it moving, talking (babbling? How old is it, exactly?), trying to fly, etc. If you are going to go the "insane" route, maybe show Coriander trying to care for it before succumbing to her urges? The lore also had a few grammatical mistakes, but I'm going to put that on a separate post.
Pakhet:
I feel like her lore is familiar? Did I critique it before? The only real problem I have with it is that it isn't really "creepy." I'm not too sure what you could do to improve it, but maybe focus more on how the blood rituals are affecting her mind? Maybe elaborate more on the rituals? (Be careful if you go that route, don't want you to get banned for writing something a bit too gory). Or you could perhaps create a stronger dichotomy between her mind before the war and after?
Cyrus:
The difference between his actual surroundings and the way his mind decided to 'protect' him (I guess) was really interesting! I would recommend perhaps heightening the contrast? Make his mind more welcoming, show some other dragons (friends, father, grandparents, maybe he had some hatchlings, or his clan leader comforting him?). Elaborate a bit more on what his mother talked about, too? Show him talking to her about that knitting pattern she was working on, their herb garden that they started when he was a hatchling, that time she took him outside and they watched shooting stars fall. Make her seem kind to present an even greater contrast over the dragon that ran away from her own son because she didn't want to get infected too. Also, the vaccine bit seemed a bit rushed? It takes a little while for a human's mind to regress, and it's canon that dragons are hardier than humans. Maybe make it the tenth or eleventh vaccine before he starts talking to the dragons in his mind?
I''m going to go wash my hands now. I'll talk about grammar in a little while. :)
If you feel offended by anything I said, please let me know.
