Hey everyone!
I recently decided to start the lore for my lair and I decided I wanted to theme it around a wolf pack. Essentially my dragons are within a pack with wolf-like ranks like alphas, omegas, fighters, etc. They are a strong and battle oriented pack with hatchlings training either to fight for and defend the Icewarden or move on to a new pack to serve (which will be through my hatchery which will hopefully soon become a lore hatchery).
All I have so far is the intro piece in my clan information. I was hoping I could get some honehonest criticism on the writing or even the idea in itself. I want to make sure everything will work and sound good after all the effort. ^^;
Here it is:
Quote:
You shield your eyes as you walk through the never ending blanket of white that surrounds you. Snow whips against the exposed skin of your face and you shrink deeper into your jacket, shuddering as the icy air chills you to the bone. You squint looking for something, anything, besides the immortal blizzard that robs you of your sight and any sense of where you are. Finally, after what seems like a lifetime of pushing through the snow-covered terrain a creature emerges from the whiteout's empty depths. You gulp as you recognize the figure of a wolf and through the storm you see the unmistakable glint of its sharp canines. Hesitantly you take a step back only to set off a plethora of eery growls, their owners out of sight but undeniably close and ready to strike. You breath catches in your throat and you quickly learn a whole new meaning to the word frozen. The wolves surrounding you slowly but surely began to emerge from the wall of snow. As the creatures close in around you, to your astonishment you realize they are not wolves at all, but are dragons carrying a strong wolf-like demeanor. The dragon in front of you, now close enough to reveal her silvery body and a light blue set of wings speaks with a powerful echoing growl. "How dare you step foot within the territory of the Arctic Moon Pack."
Hey everyone!
I recently decided to start the lore for my lair and I decided I wanted to theme it around a wolf pack. Essentially my dragons are within a pack with wolf-like ranks like alphas, omegas, fighters, etc. They are a strong and battle oriented pack with hatchlings training either to fight for and defend the Icewarden or move on to a new pack to serve (which will be through my hatchery which will hopefully soon become a lore hatchery).
All I have so far is the intro piece in my clan information. I was hoping I could get some honehonest criticism on the writing or even the idea in itself. I want to make sure everything will work and sound good after all the effort. ^^;
Here it is:
Quote:
You shield your eyes as you walk through the never ending blanket of white that surrounds you. Snow whips against the exposed skin of your face and you shrink deeper into your jacket, shuddering as the icy air chills you to the bone. You squint looking for something, anything, besides the immortal blizzard that robs you of your sight and any sense of where you are. Finally, after what seems like a lifetime of pushing through the snow-covered terrain a creature emerges from the whiteout's empty depths. You gulp as you recognize the figure of a wolf and through the storm you see the unmistakable glint of its sharp canines. Hesitantly you take a step back only to set off a plethora of eery growls, their owners out of sight but undeniably close and ready to strike. You breath catches in your throat and you quickly learn a whole new meaning to the word frozen. The wolves surrounding you slowly but surely began to emerge from the wall of snow. As the creatures close in around you, to your astonishment you realize they are not wolves at all, but are dragons carrying a strong wolf-like demeanor. The dragon in front of you, now close enough to reveal her silvery body and a light blue set of wings speaks with a powerful echoing growl. "How dare you step foot within the territory of the Arctic Moon Pack."
Oooh! This is really well done so far. It can be hard to write in second person, so kudos for that.
Oooh! This is really well done so far. It can be hard to write in second person, so kudos for that.
You can call me Fire. I am +3 FR time and 21+ years old.
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Raya36
What you have right now is quite good and very descriptive! I don't believe there's anything wrong with the core idea, but there are a few suggestions I'd make:
How did the person get to be in the middle of nowhere like that? A sense of adventure? Did they just get lost in the snow?
Your sentences mostly seem to be the same length. This can be good in small chunks, when you want to convey the hopelessness of being trapped in a blizzard, but it might not be suitable for the whole paragraph. I'd use ellipsis (...), or use slightly longer sentences in the tense moments leading up to meeting the wolves...and just as they enter vision...cut it off.
And when you want the reader to stop,
as if they're frozen,
using one-word sentences/sentence fragments can help to interrupt the flow.
@
Raya36
What you have right now is quite good and very descriptive! I don't believe there's anything wrong with the core idea, but there are a few suggestions I'd make:
How did the person get to be in the middle of nowhere like that? A sense of adventure? Did they just get lost in the snow?
Your sentences mostly seem to be the same length. This can be good in small chunks, when you want to convey the hopelessness of being trapped in a blizzard, but it might not be suitable for the whole paragraph. I'd use ellipsis (...), or use slightly longer sentences in the tense moments leading up to meeting the wolves...and just as they enter vision...cut it off.
And when you want the reader to stop,
as if they're frozen,
using one-word sentences/sentence fragments can help to interrupt the flow.
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Firedrakegirl Thank you so much!
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Werkaec Thank you for the suggestions! I'll definitely revise it a bit. :)
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Firedrakegirl Thank you so much!
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Werkaec Thank you for the suggestions! I'll definitely revise it a bit. :)
