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TOPIC | Rate my old, cringy story!
Bash it pls. IDC what you do to it, just tell me what went wrong. -shudder-




Itasca ran through the forest. She knew her adoptive mother, Gleeask, would come looking for her, but she continued on. A twig snapped as she stopped. She had visited the place very often, but the sight still haunted her. Two dog skeletons rested near a tree, small clumps of fur still attached. Itasca sat down and looked at the ground in sorrow.
“Why? Why did they kill you?” She whispered to herself. Gleeask had long ago told her about the dogs. A flashback emerged.
“It is a tragic story…” She had said.
“The Pack of Golden Moon killed them in a war.” Gleeask pretended to cry.
Itasca whimpered and put her head on Gleeask’s soft back. Her ice blue eyes watered. Whenever she asked Gleeask to tell the story, she couldn’t help it. And she also wondered-which dogs killed her parents, why they were killed, anything!
“Oh, come now Itasca, don’t cry! We are weak now, but soon,” She nudged Itasca.
“Soon you will be strong, and we will defeat The Pack of Golden Moon!” Itasca suddenly forgot her sorrows and sprang up, with her trademark look on her face.
“For The Pack of Small Stars! For those dogs!” She howled.
“Oh, that’s right, my darling! Tomorrow, we start your training.” Gleeask narrowed her eyes and smiled.
Then the flashback faded.

~

“Itasca, darling, will you down to the river and catch some ducks for us?” Gleeask cooed.
Itasca hated this. Hunting for ducks was her least favorite chore and by far the hardest. It was difficult to sneak up on the ducks in the water, and Itasca wasn’t a patient dog to wait for ducks to come on land. Of course, being the chosen heir of the pack wasn’t an easy job.
But there were many reasons why she still put up with this. She did want to be the heir. That would mean she could lead the pack in a war against The Pack of Golden Moon. And that would lead her to avenge those dog’s death.
Itasca waded cautiously into the water. Keeping her head barely above water she swam for the shallow hotspot. Resting her legs on the bottom, she saw around seven ducks. Ducks were always there. She lifted her ear upon hearing a faint cry. Suddenly, something flew directly above her head, skimming the hairs of her head. Startled, she realized a duck had flown in. But not before she yipped in shock.
Soon she whole flock was squawking and flapping around. Feathers flew everywhere.
“No!” Itasca’s surprise attack had failed. In this chaos, she bounded out of the water, not even bothering to shake off and leapt into the air, just enough to grab onto an unfortunate duck’s foot. Itasca now decided to shake herself dry. In the process, she stunned and confused the duck with her violent shaking. When she finished, she pinned the duck, who was now flailing aimlessly, and snapped its neck. It wasn’t what she had planned, but it worked.
She took her kill and started back to camp.
“Oh, wonderful, you’re back! Locke and Ember are doing so well, almost as good as you! They caught a deer today and…” Gleeask jabbered on, with poor Itasca forced to listen.
“Oh and by the way, Kyla was waiting for you near the ravine.” The malamute finally announced.
“Really? Kyla? Okay, bye!” Itasca took off for the ravine, dropping the duck at Gleeask’s feet. Itasca panted as she ran through the dense forest. Stopping at the Duck Pond’s drainage streams, she looked around and lapped up some water, planning to continue. Mid-drink an excited bark echoed off a cliff wall against the stream.
“Guess who!” A familiar voice sounded. A yellow lab galloped out from the hills and trees surrounding the creek into Itasca.
“I thought we were meeting at the ravine…?” Itasca questioned her friend.
“Oh we were! But I got bored waiting for a whole five minutes!” Kyla exclaimed.
Itasca rolled her eyes and smiled. Kyla was actually older than Itasca was, but you’d never be able to tell that just by looking at her. Her energy was off the charts, quite the skilled runner. Rumor had it she could be an elder and she would still be energetic. Soon enough, she would be an amazing herder. Itasca flinched as she heard a twig snap. Kyla jumped as well.
“Itasca? W-what was that?” She whimpered.
Fast as she may be, she was not very strong at all. Itasca slowly went toward a bush, close where the twig was heard. They were dangerously close to Golden Moon territory, and patrols would be out soon.
“Hello?” Itasca stuck her head in.
A huge pair of eyes stared unblinking back at her. Its pupils almost took up the entire eye. Itasca couldn’t decide whether they were green or yellow.
“Who are you?” Barely finishing her sentence, she was hit right on one of three scars on her face.
Itasca winched in pain and pawed at the spot where it hurt. Kyla helped Itasca up when the figure took off running.
“Hey!” Kyla yelled.
She took off after the shape. Itasca jogged behind her. She came upon Kyla, holding what looked like a raccoon tail in her paws, only it was more brown than gray. The owner was hissing and growling.
"C'mere, you." Kyla dragged it out.
It was a cat.
Its ears were back and it was hissing and biting. Its eyes were narrowed and its pupils were huge. Then it lay still for a moment. Kyla nudged it. She loosened her grip. Then the cat bounced back to life. Startled, Kyla let go and watched it run over a hill and into the beyond.
“Well?” She yelled at Itasca.
“Lets go!” And the two went off after the cat.
Itasca had never explored this terrain before. The ravine was an far east of the den as any Small Star would go. The last dog that did that was a Golden Moon, and no one saw them again. Despite the dangers, the duo went on. They could run away from almost anything dangerous. Except the cliff Itasca hadn’t seen.
“Aah!” The dogs slammed down their legs into the dirt, Itasca being in front.
Her legs where on the edge of the dropoff. In the distance they could see the cat nimbly jumping over the rocks and out of sight.
“Dangit, you cat!” Kyla yelled over the cliff. She backed away from the edge. Itasca sighed.
“Come on, Kyla, it’s getting dark. Mother doesn’t like us out after dark. We’ll catch the cat tomorrow.”
Then the two dogs trudged off towards the den.
Bash it pls. IDC what you do to it, just tell me what went wrong. -shudder-




Itasca ran through the forest. She knew her adoptive mother, Gleeask, would come looking for her, but she continued on. A twig snapped as she stopped. She had visited the place very often, but the sight still haunted her. Two dog skeletons rested near a tree, small clumps of fur still attached. Itasca sat down and looked at the ground in sorrow.
“Why? Why did they kill you?” She whispered to herself. Gleeask had long ago told her about the dogs. A flashback emerged.
“It is a tragic story…” She had said.
“The Pack of Golden Moon killed them in a war.” Gleeask pretended to cry.
Itasca whimpered and put her head on Gleeask’s soft back. Her ice blue eyes watered. Whenever she asked Gleeask to tell the story, she couldn’t help it. And she also wondered-which dogs killed her parents, why they were killed, anything!
“Oh, come now Itasca, don’t cry! We are weak now, but soon,” She nudged Itasca.
“Soon you will be strong, and we will defeat The Pack of Golden Moon!” Itasca suddenly forgot her sorrows and sprang up, with her trademark look on her face.
“For The Pack of Small Stars! For those dogs!” She howled.
“Oh, that’s right, my darling! Tomorrow, we start your training.” Gleeask narrowed her eyes and smiled.
Then the flashback faded.

~

“Itasca, darling, will you down to the river and catch some ducks for us?” Gleeask cooed.
Itasca hated this. Hunting for ducks was her least favorite chore and by far the hardest. It was difficult to sneak up on the ducks in the water, and Itasca wasn’t a patient dog to wait for ducks to come on land. Of course, being the chosen heir of the pack wasn’t an easy job.
But there were many reasons why she still put up with this. She did want to be the heir. That would mean she could lead the pack in a war against The Pack of Golden Moon. And that would lead her to avenge those dog’s death.
Itasca waded cautiously into the water. Keeping her head barely above water she swam for the shallow hotspot. Resting her legs on the bottom, she saw around seven ducks. Ducks were always there. She lifted her ear upon hearing a faint cry. Suddenly, something flew directly above her head, skimming the hairs of her head. Startled, she realized a duck had flown in. But not before she yipped in shock.
Soon she whole flock was squawking and flapping around. Feathers flew everywhere.
“No!” Itasca’s surprise attack had failed. In this chaos, she bounded out of the water, not even bothering to shake off and leapt into the air, just enough to grab onto an unfortunate duck’s foot. Itasca now decided to shake herself dry. In the process, she stunned and confused the duck with her violent shaking. When she finished, she pinned the duck, who was now flailing aimlessly, and snapped its neck. It wasn’t what she had planned, but it worked.
She took her kill and started back to camp.
“Oh, wonderful, you’re back! Locke and Ember are doing so well, almost as good as you! They caught a deer today and…” Gleeask jabbered on, with poor Itasca forced to listen.
“Oh and by the way, Kyla was waiting for you near the ravine.” The malamute finally announced.
“Really? Kyla? Okay, bye!” Itasca took off for the ravine, dropping the duck at Gleeask’s feet. Itasca panted as she ran through the dense forest. Stopping at the Duck Pond’s drainage streams, she looked around and lapped up some water, planning to continue. Mid-drink an excited bark echoed off a cliff wall against the stream.
“Guess who!” A familiar voice sounded. A yellow lab galloped out from the hills and trees surrounding the creek into Itasca.
“I thought we were meeting at the ravine…?” Itasca questioned her friend.
“Oh we were! But I got bored waiting for a whole five minutes!” Kyla exclaimed.
Itasca rolled her eyes and smiled. Kyla was actually older than Itasca was, but you’d never be able to tell that just by looking at her. Her energy was off the charts, quite the skilled runner. Rumor had it she could be an elder and she would still be energetic. Soon enough, she would be an amazing herder. Itasca flinched as she heard a twig snap. Kyla jumped as well.
“Itasca? W-what was that?” She whimpered.
Fast as she may be, she was not very strong at all. Itasca slowly went toward a bush, close where the twig was heard. They were dangerously close to Golden Moon territory, and patrols would be out soon.
“Hello?” Itasca stuck her head in.
A huge pair of eyes stared unblinking back at her. Its pupils almost took up the entire eye. Itasca couldn’t decide whether they were green or yellow.
“Who are you?” Barely finishing her sentence, she was hit right on one of three scars on her face.
Itasca winched in pain and pawed at the spot where it hurt. Kyla helped Itasca up when the figure took off running.
“Hey!” Kyla yelled.
She took off after the shape. Itasca jogged behind her. She came upon Kyla, holding what looked like a raccoon tail in her paws, only it was more brown than gray. The owner was hissing and growling.
"C'mere, you." Kyla dragged it out.
It was a cat.
Its ears were back and it was hissing and biting. Its eyes were narrowed and its pupils were huge. Then it lay still for a moment. Kyla nudged it. She loosened her grip. Then the cat bounced back to life. Startled, Kyla let go and watched it run over a hill and into the beyond.
“Well?” She yelled at Itasca.
“Lets go!” And the two went off after the cat.
Itasca had never explored this terrain before. The ravine was an far east of the den as any Small Star would go. The last dog that did that was a Golden Moon, and no one saw them again. Despite the dangers, the duo went on. They could run away from almost anything dangerous. Except the cliff Itasca hadn’t seen.
“Aah!” The dogs slammed down their legs into the dirt, Itasca being in front.
Her legs where on the edge of the dropoff. In the distance they could see the cat nimbly jumping over the rocks and out of sight.
“Dangit, you cat!” Kyla yelled over the cliff. She backed away from the edge. Itasca sighed.
“Come on, Kyla, it’s getting dark. Mother doesn’t like us out after dark. We’ll catch the cat tomorrow.”
Then the two dogs trudged off towards the den.
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i think no one is replying bc it's too cringy
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i think no one is replying bc it's too cringy
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Hi @IskaldIce ! Is there any feedback in particular you're looking for? Are you aiming to improve your writing in general, or work on anything specific?

I liked your short story- It was exciting, though I found it a bit confusing in places (It took me a while to figure out your character wasn't human)

It may be that people aren't replying because GD isn't the best place- you could post in Creative Corner, or on a writing site like figment.com

If you would like a more detailed analysis or tips let me know :o good luck!
Hi @IskaldIce ! Is there any feedback in particular you're looking for? Are you aiming to improve your writing in general, or work on anything specific?

I liked your short story- It was exciting, though I found it a bit confusing in places (It took me a while to figure out your character wasn't human)

It may be that people aren't replying because GD isn't the best place- you could post in Creative Corner, or on a writing site like figment.com

If you would like a more detailed analysis or tips let me know :o good luck!
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@IskaldIce

I have a tip- at the start, I thought she was human, then it came to quickly and suddenly that she was a dog. I suggest using context clues instead, like " Itasca ran through the forest, Her paws beating the dirt" Things like that, you know? Little clues that slowly unravel what she is and what she's doing.

It was a little confusing and seemed rushed or too quick in places but I think it was fine overall.
@IskaldIce

I have a tip- at the start, I thought she was human, then it came to quickly and suddenly that she was a dog. I suggest using context clues instead, like " Itasca ran through the forest, Her paws beating the dirt" Things like that, you know? Little clues that slowly unravel what she is and what she's doing.

It was a little confusing and seemed rushed or too quick in places but I think it was fine overall.
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@IskaldIce Moved to the Creative Corner!
@IskaldIce Moved to the Creative Corner!
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@IskaldIce

Another person here who thought they were human!

Something that bothers me is the inconsistency of the character's names. You have characters named Gleeask and Itasca living with a character named Ember. When naming your characters, try to keep the names consistent. Otherwise, you'll end up with the Aerith and Bob trope:
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AerithAndBob

When naming your characters, try to think about how other stories will use the same format for all the characters' names - like how the cats in Warriors will almost always have two words in their name (Firestar, Leafpool, etc.) Keeping it consistent helps the world feel more realistic and developed IMO.

It also bothers me that they... don't really act like dogs? I guess being on deviantArt for so long has ruined me to this, but I'm very, very tired of seeing wolf or dog characters who act like humans in costume. I would *love* to see more wolf characters who actually behave like wolves and have the concerns of wolves. Like, I recently read Jack London's White Fang and it was just FANTASTIC when it comes to this. (So maybe I'm a little spoiled for more realistic wolves right now, haha.)

But if they're dogs... where are their owners? How did a malamute, a lab, and other dogs set up a pack that seems to be completely removed from human society? I know there are feral dogs, but don't they usually stay near human kind somewhere? I know I'm overthinking this, but I still wanna know where they came from and why they're fighting another pack in some sort of blood feud.

Which I guess brings me to my next point. For creatures who have been living their whole lives in the wild, who eke out life on the edge of existence ... they seem very immature. Having to hunt and kill every meal just to fend off starvation has a way of hardening a person. I'm not saying they have to be Grim McSeriousFace all the time, but it seems like they'd be a bit more mature and... mmm... regal, I suppose? All of the characters seem like typical teenagers to me, which doesn't really reflect on their hard upbringing. (Seeing your pack mates killed and knowing that the murderous pack is right around the corner would have an effect on anyone).
@IskaldIce

Another person here who thought they were human!

Something that bothers me is the inconsistency of the character's names. You have characters named Gleeask and Itasca living with a character named Ember. When naming your characters, try to keep the names consistent. Otherwise, you'll end up with the Aerith and Bob trope:
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AerithAndBob

When naming your characters, try to think about how other stories will use the same format for all the characters' names - like how the cats in Warriors will almost always have two words in their name (Firestar, Leafpool, etc.) Keeping it consistent helps the world feel more realistic and developed IMO.

It also bothers me that they... don't really act like dogs? I guess being on deviantArt for so long has ruined me to this, but I'm very, very tired of seeing wolf or dog characters who act like humans in costume. I would *love* to see more wolf characters who actually behave like wolves and have the concerns of wolves. Like, I recently read Jack London's White Fang and it was just FANTASTIC when it comes to this. (So maybe I'm a little spoiled for more realistic wolves right now, haha.)

But if they're dogs... where are their owners? How did a malamute, a lab, and other dogs set up a pack that seems to be completely removed from human society? I know there are feral dogs, but don't they usually stay near human kind somewhere? I know I'm overthinking this, but I still wanna know where they came from and why they're fighting another pack in some sort of blood feud.

Which I guess brings me to my next point. For creatures who have been living their whole lives in the wild, who eke out life on the edge of existence ... they seem very immature. Having to hunt and kill every meal just to fend off starvation has a way of hardening a person. I'm not saying they have to be Grim McSeriousFace all the time, but it seems like they'd be a bit more mature and... mmm... regal, I suppose? All of the characters seem like typical teenagers to me, which doesn't really reflect on their hard upbringing. (Seeing your pack mates killed and knowing that the murderous pack is right around the corner would have an effect on anyone).